Feeling so stressed

[Stellababe]

Hi, I'm new here - so hello everyone! Just had to post as I'm feeling so stressed. My xP left me before my DD was born in May. He's never seen her and has not spoken to me - apart from some texts and a couple of letters, one of which was vaguely threatening - since she was born. Anyway, two presents have arrived from him in the past couple of days. Both expensive and both with no other note than a gift card signed to DD, but not from daddy but with his first name. I just think that's SO WEIRD. I've no idea if that's how he wants my DD to know him or whether he's doing it to make some kind of point (although God knows what that would be). I think it's just the time of the year, but his behaviour is really upsetting me. I'm happy for DD to have the presents, but just worry like mad about how to explain this kind of thing to her when she's old enough to understand about Christmas and having a father.

I'd say keep the presents. If he's not there for your or dd then take this has his contribution. Though I'd send him a text making it clear to him that this is not a way in for him. iykwim

On what to do once your dd is old enough to understand... no advice there I'm afraid. Except for maybe calling him a 'distant uncle' or the like if you don't want her to know he's the father. Though that's probably a tough one because if he ever sees her he might just tell her and confuse her. So maybe the direct and open approach is the best

When she's old enough to understand tell her the truth.. obviously dress it up a bit so she doesn't think he's rejected her. Maybe just a

he's your father but things didn't work out between us

It's too early to be planning this as lots could happen between now and then

I'd keep the presents but perhaps, if it's possible, try and ask him why he has sent them.

My DD is 3 and her father left just after her birth and like you no contact since. X husband's parents and his brother send birthday and Xmas gifts to DD, nothing v expensive but age appropriate clothes/books etc. I accept them but remove gift tags and say they are from mummy's work. I did think about donating them to charity but to be honest until my re-marriage I was very poor so it seemed silly to deprive DD of practical gifts.

I feel for you as I used to worry about how to explain lack of father, but luckily when DD was 2 I met my current husband who as far as she is concerned is her Daddy. I planned that when she asked about a lack of Daddy to explain that although she had no father she had an Aunty and grandparents who love her loads.

I am guessing yr X sent gifts to make him feel less guilty. Try and enjoy Christmas and don't give him the benefit of your thought space.

I don't understand why people would lie about where gifts came from.

These people made the effort to send tham and that should be ackwnowledged. Why is it wrong to let your children know that somebody out there is thinking of them?

I'm not planning to lie about where the gifts came from. In fact, if he'd signed them from daddy that's what I would have told her. But it's a bit difficult to explain who "X" (sorry, dont want to disclose his name" is in the context that he's also her father.

I'm just sick of the fact that he can and does behave like an absolute b***d, but I still have to put on a happy face and be positive about him because, in an ideal world, I'd like my DD to have to good relationship with her father even although his decision to leave months before she was born and not see her since she arrived hardly bodes well.

I tend to agree with you, LasVegas, that he's only done it to make him feel less guilty.

So say they're from 'X' and when she's old enough to wonder she might ask who 'X' is and then you should tell her who he is. Depending on her age at the time you should decide how much detail you should give but I would never say anything to a child that might indicate the relationship broke down because of the pregnancy/child etc

I think your last comment goes without saying...

Villageidiot, thank you. Woke up in middle of night thinking about your post. Have now sent letter to X husbands family asking them to stop sending DD gifts. For last few years didn't do it as worried it may rock boat with the divorce but now re-married I have nothing to fear.