Feel like I'm losing her - and it's probably my fault

[NotaDisneyMum]

My DD10 has a 50:50 care arrangement; she lives one week with her bioD and SM followed by one with me and my partner.

She is in Year 6, so we are in the midst of completing her Secondary School application. She is entitled to go to either the school nearest our house, or the one nearest her Dads, and there are three other schools that are realistic travelling times away.
They are all holding their open evenings between now and half term (when the form is due in) and when I found out the dates, I realised that all but one of them was on evenings that DD is with me.
So, I thought I'd be reasonable and I emailed exH, offering him the option of taking her along. He replied, thanking me, and stating that he would take her to ALL FIVE.

Now, I know this was probably my fault; I should have been more specific in my email by saying which ones I wanted to go to with her, so that he didn't take advantage, or I could have said - no, that's not what I meant, but I know that if I take BD along to any that he knows about, he will come along as well and expect to walk around with us, which I would prefer not to do as BD picks up on the atmosphere between us.

I am happy to go along to the schools and have a look at another time; in fact, I'd like the chance to see them operating normally with students in, not just when they are showing off to lots of parents together

But, I have now found out that DD's SM is going along to all the open evenings as well . I just feel like I'm being pushed out as her mum; exH has taken the opportunity to monopolise this milestone in BD life, involving others, but not considering me.

I've told BD that I will be looking at the schools and have been chatting with her when she comes home from the visits - I'm regretting offering exH the chance to be involved though

Why don't you just deal with this directly and say 'sorry, I meant let's share them out - you do this and that school, and i'll do that and this? Obviously we can't all troop round as DD will feel crowded out, so I thought you could do some, and I'll do some and we'll report back. It's great that you offered to do them all, but I'd like to do a couple'

blu - he doesn't get the crowded out thing - if he could, he'd have taken DD grandparents along with them as well (no, really, he would want his mum there if she could).
As far as he is concerned, there would be no problem with three of us traipsing
around the school together - as long as he is chief spokesperson and gets to hold BD's hand - if I so much as dared say anything to her or anybody else, I'd get shouted down.

what is wrong with all of you going to all of them? You have a 50:50 arrangement and presumably SM has a role to play in that too?

Deedy - I'm not yet at a place where I can spend an extended period of time being cordial and ignoring his abusive behaviour - I've had hours of counselling to get me to a point where I can manage a polite exchange of pleasantries at a school event which we both attend - but I cannot yet cope with an hour or more of his bullying and the fallout would effect DD, I'm sure

Too late now then but when dd states her choice take her out of school for an afternoon to see her top ones in action.

OK, ladies -I asked whether I could take her along to the open evening at the school we live in the entitlement area for, and sure enough, he has replied saying if I do, that he will be there as well.

I just cannot bring myself to spend an evening in his company (he won't keep a low profile, he'll come and "join us") I'm failing my daughter because I can't tolerate him

OK, while I think the ideal would be for you to go along to the open evenings too, if he's abusive I can see that would be a problem. Why don't you phone the schools and ask if you can come with your daughter for a visit e.g. during the school day sometime- you'd get to talk to the head and get more idea of the atmosphere anyway, and most heads are fine with this. That way you get to see the schools and avoid him.