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Original poster

stopping my ex seeing my child

44 replies

kelmac · 06/10/2011 15:04

Please help me

My ex and myself split up about 7 months ago. We were married for 5 years and seeing each other for at least 9.
we fell pregnant after trying for 5 years and were both very happy. The day of her birth was the happiest day of our lives. She is 21 months old

However, in march this year we split, i believed he wasnt spending enough time with myself and our daughter, but we do not disagree about why we split. I started seeing someone before we split up, nothing happened, but the was there for me and caring while my husband was not. My husband is not aware of this

Obviously when i asked him to leave he was upset, but we agreed to be amicable, we made a private agreement regarding child maintinance and i was happy for him to see our child whenever he wanted.

Until recently this was working out fine, he had her every weekend overnight, and see her whenever he could.
Recently however, the communicatio has broken down between us, and we have had to go through mediation.
At mediation he told me he now only wanted to see our child every other weekend and that was it, no visits or phonecalls inbetween, as he needed his own time and space (he has a new partner now aswell) and that our child is not the centre of his world.
As you can imagine this upset me quite alot, but in mediation i reluctly agreed. However, on thinking about it, he has changed an awful lot, he is more agressive to me when he sees me, and to his parents.
Him saying that our child is not the centre of his universe has made me very angry and concerned, so i spoke to him and have told him now, i do not want him seeing my child.
I am concerned for her safety and welfare when she is with him, due to him saying that she is not the centre of world he obviously has other priorites.

I received a message from him saying he was serving me divorce papers which is the first ive heard of things and that its either every fortnight or not at all, and he will take me to court to do this.
Now i am concerned he will not see her at all, or if he comes to my house he will become agressive towards me.

My daughter doesnt talk about daddy alot, but does mention her grandma a lot(my ex is now living with his parents).
Any suggestions would be greatly apprichated

Thank you

OP posts:

Spero · 08/10/2011 21:23

'gov research 2007'. Really. Do please feel free to provide a link. I would be very interested to read that.

Op I think you are hurt, understandably so. All those of us left to parent without much help will feel your pain. My child has to be the centre of my universe, like it not (and sometimes I really don't like it) because her father has fucked off.

But, witless fool that he is, he is the only father she will ever have and my job is to help her navigate a relationship with a man who probably will hurt and disappoint her, but he is someone she loves and needs in her life.

Don't make the mistake of hurting your child to try to assuage your pain, it won't work.

AmberLeaf · 08/10/2011 21:27

Am I the only one to have noticed that the OP both had an affair and ended the relationship?

People are talking about the OP being hurt WTF?!

JeremyVile · 08/10/2011 21:34

No, I think we all read that Amberleaf.
Op is not complaining about her ex being angry with her, but about his disinterest in his child. There's NO excuse for him wanting zero contact for two weeks at a time because she is not " the centre of his world".

Vibrant · 08/10/2011 21:38

Here's the previous thread that has a link to the research that Riakin refers to

corlan · 08/10/2011 21:42

Riakin - government research eh? Well that all sounds very official. I'm sure you're right then.

The fact that your statistic bears no relation to reality as most of us know it will just have to stay as a minor niggle at the back of my mind.

Unlikely · 08/10/2011 21:47

He's probably hurt and angry. OP had an affair and now she is thinking of denying him contact because he hasn't used the right words?

He wants to see his daughter. Maybe he couldn't cope with erratic times in the week? Maybe he can't see the wood for the trees? maybe he lies awake crying in pain, imagining his lovely daughter calling the affair-man 'daddy' ?

AmberLeaf · 08/10/2011 21:50

Exactly Unlikely.

This would be soo different if the OP was male.

JeremyVile · 08/10/2011 21:57

Don't talk rot.
Op said he could see the child "whenever he wanted" he did that for a while then "he told me he now only wanted to see our child every other weekend and that was it, no visits or phonecalls inbetween, as he needed his own time and space".
He would absolutely have my sympathy for the way the relationship went, but not for his attitude towards his daughter, that's an entirely separate issue.

Bledkr · 08/10/2011 22:01

Dont forget the Dad said "its every other weekend or nothing at all" This doesnt exactly sound like a loving father does he?

Unlikely · 08/10/2011 22:46

Sounds like he might be treating the OP in the way she wants to treat him - ie title of the thread 'stopping my ex seeing my child'. 'My' child? Not 'our' child?

Has your husband's daughter met your new man yet? And has anything 'happened' between you and your man yet?

You really should both try to put the welfare of your daughter first.

AmberLeaf · 09/10/2011 01:43

Remember we are only getting one side of the story here though.

I would love to hear the OPs EXs side of it.

oliviasmama · 09/10/2011 03:18

My xp has our DD (4yo) overnight once a fortnight maybe even less at the moment, she is definately not his priority in life, he is absolutely useless in relation to his responsibilities as a father, he is a liar, never enquires about DD, he is quite literally a habitual womaniser, this lifestyle dominates his time and he really has not a thought in his head for anyone other than himself.....(apart from that I suppose he's alright ish )

but...

my DD loves loves loves her Daddy and I know I do the right thing for her in making sure she gets as much of his limited time as possible. I hate him, really hate him but they love each other.

I know how hard this must be for you but it's not about you, it's about your children knowing and loving their father.

Remember that your young children will be old enough one day to decide for themselves the relationship they have with their father, they will also have the greatest respect and love for you knowing that you made sure they had a relationship with their father when they were too young to decide.

oliviasmama · 09/10/2011 04:02

sorry have just realised that you have one child......too early for a clear head

king07 · 15/01/2019 16:29

bottom line no one should be vile enough to stop anyone from seeing there kids!! your all the same...

Itstimetoscream · 15/01/2019 16:36

Zombie thread from 2011!

mattingly123 · 28/08/2019 18:50

You have every right to stop him seeing your child, and I didn't even bother to read your post, and yes the child probably is just YOURS now, if you're situation is like mine or any other mothers at the moment then the father actually isn't a father in which case yes you're child is yours. I am so bloody sick of peoole making others feel guilty for this, I haven't stopped my son seeing his father but I'm going to, because he is causing both mine and my sins life to be stressful, REALLY stressful, he lies, he cancels days, he doesn't pay maintanance, he's called my son a liar when he doesn't want to admit that he can't remember hum telling him something, he has refused mediation, he has called the police on me when I sent him nasty messages purely because he wouldn't return my sons laptop that he had promised him he would fix it months before, every birthday and Xmas is pure hell, my mental health is at its worse, I used to contact him months before Xmas or birthdays to arrange what day he wanted to see him purely because if I didn't he wouldn't contact me until the day before said celebration whereby I would have to tell him he couldn't see him that day because I had arranged something already as if I didn't my son wouldn't even have a party because he helps arrange nothing, I would tell him he couldn't see him as he contacted me too late and he would stop my child maintanance, even though every single time it is his fault, I then stopped contacting him about dates and again he would contact me a day or a few days before and I would have to say no, again he then wouldn't pay in child maintanance, he has also purposly gone self employed, when my son decided for a few weeks that he didn't want to see him (he's 12 now) because his dad kept letting him down he stopped paying maintanance and dad couldn't do anything, as it stands now he still isn't paying enough csa have sent several letters and tried calling him and he still says he hasn't Recieved anything, there is plenty more. Let me tell you this, no one is going to do anything about this for us, NO ONE, one of my close friends took her son's dad to court last year 1. Because him and his gf were being abusive, physically too and 2. Because he refused mediation and she was trying to get her life together, her parents had to pay thousands just to take the piece of shit to court, she managed to get a restraining order on him and they set dates in place etc for him to see his son...guess what he broke every single one of the court agreements but she would have to pay even more to take him to court again...even worse, the restraining order runs out in two months time..again it's a separate thing so she would have to pay even more out for that....she tried taking her own life 2 weeks ago because of all of this and guess where her son is now..At the fathers..with the same bloody bloke who broke her because the government are fuck8ng shit, they do NOTHING and then she gets kicked while she's down and her son is sent to live with the evil bastard while she's in hospital recovering. There is no help...NONE unless you are loaded, NONE. My son's dad wouldn't go to court to fight for my son because I truly dont believe he cares enough plus it's expensive, plus he refused mediation, yet he will still stop maintanance whenever he feels asthough I've slighted him because in his own twisted head he isnt responsible.

I am at a point now where if I choose to stop mine seeing his dad nobody and I mean nobody is getting a say, it'll roll straight off my back if they try, you know why? Because my mental health is fucked because of him and if I snap and take my own life my son will be raised by that disgusting arsehole and my son needs me, if you're at the point that I am do not listen to anybody else because let's face it no fucker is in your shoes, the time has gone for us to feel sorry for the fathers or even our kids, that's the point that I'm at, I've been pushed so far that I've felt suicidal and guess fucking what..he isn't gona take me away from my son and make me do something stupid, boundaries are ok, they are nessecary, for years I would beat myself up about literally everything but people need to start being honest with themselves...we ARE alone as single mothers and so yes as far as I'm concerned my son is MY child and mine alone now, how people can question this I do not know, my son has no father I have to provide both roles and trust me I don't want to so yes that child is YOUR child and yes whatever decision you have to make is yours and yours alone, if he then takes you to court you can explain all the reasons why you decided to do it, if they take his side so fucking be it, you know YOURE truth, you know what is going on..they don't.. and let's me honest here fathers get away with fucking murder, they are FAVOURED and if you think otherwise you need to get your heads out of the sand, you will NOT lose your son over it, even if they tell you you were wrong..you stay strong in your own mind and your own truth, those fuckers do not know what we have to go through on the daily so let them continue to be fuckers, god will judge them one day

Frankola · 28/08/2019 19:55

Do you work? Does your partner? Surely every other weekend with a couple of evening visits each week would work. This way you both get weekends to spend with your dd.

I personally would never give up every weekend with my child.

Other than that you seem to have brought a lot of this on yourself. He has served you with divorce papers and told you he wants to make things official in court so that he gets visitation in writing.

You cannot withhold access to your daughter because you arent getting your own way.

Every child has a right to a relationship with their parent.

lottie360 · 29/08/2019 21:51

@corlan @jeremyvile

40% of mothers admit to obstructing contact (Department for Social Security, 1998).

Its is now said to be over 60% (2007) but unfortunately i cannot find the study i read this from.

Stressedout10 · 02/09/2019 14:34

Zombie thread from 2011

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