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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Resigned to being alone at 37?

20 replies

superdeeduper · 21/09/2011 18:17

Just that really but am I unreasonable to feel so bloody sad about it all? Especially when all my friends, colleagues have such great stories about their wonderful men, lovely nights out they have had etc etc.

I am really not being a martyr about being on my own. It it through circumstance and not choice I guess, suppose that's why it feels so unfair. Dcs do not go to their dads who lives across the other side of the country and who has shown no interest in years. So never get a break and if I do get the occasional night off, it is only a one off and they are few and far between. So really there is no way that I could enter into a relationship as I would never be able to meet anyone.

I think now in all honesty I could not trust anyone again and cant bear the thought of introducing another man to dcs. From the outside I suppose I look like I'm this sorted woman who one friend has said she envies as I can please myself and dont have to accommodate anyone else ie in a relationship. Then I quietly seethe while she tells me how wonderful her man is with tales of him cleaning her car, shopping, walking the dog. Everything that as a lone parent I have to do and would love to have a wee break from.

It sounds daft but when I hear people talking about new restaurants that have opened in town, it dawns on me that I haven't been out for a meal in years and I feel crap again.

Now I seem to have created this role of supermum/woman who people ask how do I manage and I have this standardised response where I play it down because I could never admit to feeling lonely.

OP posts:

Sidalee7 · 21/09/2011 18:24

I so hear you. I am fairly new to being single but feel so bloody LONELY after the kids are in bed. Have supportive friends and family but they are all coupled up. Also feel like I could never introduce a new man into the mix.

Sorry, I have no good advice but just want you to know I totally understand.

susiedaisy · 21/09/2011 18:37

I have been a lone parent for nearly a year now and I feel like you sometimes but other times I still feel so relieved that my ex is not at home with us anymore, and I relish the fact that I can do as I please without the stress of having to answer to him, I do worry about never meeting anyone else and bring on my own for the rest of my life, but for the moment I can't imagine havin to introduce another person into my kids lives, haven't got any practical advice really but I know pretty much how you feel.

RedHelenB · 21/09/2011 19:21

Snap but I'm over the hill now at 41!!!

I just think no one knows what's round the corner though!

happymenow · 21/09/2011 19:21

hi, nearly 37 and feeling the same at times. but as my name suggests i prefer this to being with someone who made me doubt myself etc. i'm trying to concentrate on having a good relationship with my 3 children and enjoy them growing up, there will be more time for me again. but i do have days where i feel like i wish i could just be alone for a couple of hours or go out to see a film/have a meal without military planning.
at the moment the washing up is waiting for me and the youngest two are being quite lively - and i'll be getting ready for work again before you know it! would be nice to not have to do EVERY SINGLE last thing!!
it is hard and if you've never been there you really don't appreciate how restrictive it can feel, my sisters often annoy me by moaning and i just think you haven't got a clue!! and one of them always wants to meet up when her husband is away but never really thinks of us when she's busy having family days - grrr!
so, no bright ideas sorry just more of the same. i'm trying to be grateful for what i do have not what i don't (been reading too many self help books!)

piellabakewell · 21/09/2011 21:18

None of us single mums need a man in our lives to make us complete, but...

I met the love of my life aged 42 (he was 46) so if that's what you want, there's hope!

susiedaisy · 21/09/2011 21:19

It's not that I need a man on a day to day basis it's just the thought of maybe never having a special person in your life again that's a bit sad, congrates on finding that person

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 21/09/2011 21:44

I know exactly how you feel. I'm 39 and have been single for coming up to six years . DS's dad has never bothered with him so like you OP, overnight breaks are few and far between. I can't recall the last time I went out for a night out because my friends are all in couples and don't want to go out - last time we did (about 3 years ago!), their DHs came too and I was the only single one there. Lovely .

Funny thing is, I like my own company and most of the time I don't mind being alone. It's just that sometimes it would be nice to have someone special to talk to and share life with. And share the bills with .

cestlavielife · 22/09/2011 09:51

the dc will grow up and then you will have time to do hobbies, interests, join social groups evening classes whatever. and meet new people that way.

or so i tell myself.

tonight i have babysitter to go out for the first time in a year to something that is not work or child related !

FlumpsRule · 22/09/2011 10:42

Widow with new man. Don't despair - as kids grow up they'll be plenty of opportunities to 'get a life' & go out. As confident, highly able, organised independent parents, you'll meet fantastic likeminded, socially re-emerging prospective partners & reap the benefits of all your hard work & family commitment Be happy & rejoice in not having that other 'larger child' to clean up after

Bugsy2 · 22/09/2011 10:52

SDD, don't feel sad. I'm 42 - can't believe I typed that out loud! - & ex-DH left me & kids 8 years ago. I've had lots of dates & even a one year relationship since he left, but have got to the point now where I'm actually quite happy on my own. Very occasionally, I think it would be great to have a partner, but most of the time I feel free & enjoy my life. It sounds really cliched but you have to work at making your life work for you. I've got much better at doing sociable activities with the kids at weekends, so we have joined some sports clubs, that 8 years ago I would have died at the thought of joining. If a new restaurant opens, then I go with a girlfriend, or take the kids one weekend lunchtime so I don't feel I'm missing out. I'm aware that my post sounds a bit Pollyanna, so believe me I have crawled through the darkest most miserable moments - but ultimately I knew that I was the only person who could sort me out. Takes a bit of time though!
Plus, you never know who might be out there for you. 37 is no age at all!

Original poster

superdeeduper · 22/09/2011 13:09

Thanks guys for all your replies, it helps so much that you understand. Don't get me wrong, I am not waiting on some knight on shining armour to come along. For starters I am far too cynical for all that rubbish and also I am to settled in my ways and really do love the routine me and the kids have got into.

I don't even crave any romantic sort of thing as again, I'm too cynical. Anyway, the thought of someone breathing on me in my bed just makes me angry! It's probably the practical things like walking the dog, housework etc that I think it would be nice if someone else was here to have a turn! I think the answer to my problems would probably just pay someone to come and do it. But as a single parent I couldnt' afford it!

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 22/09/2011 14:04

and soon the dc will be old enough to have a turn at hosuework and walking the dog......

Zanywany · 23/09/2011 11:32

I get how your feeling Super I am 37 and although generally OK I do find it very lonely some evenings. Although I do get a break as the DC's go to their Dad's twice a week I then find I am completly alone for half the weekend, I hate Saturday nights and am already dreading Xmas Eve as I won't have the DC's that night. Most of my friends are in couples so do their own thing at weekends. What annoyes me is when friends say they know what its like to be a single parent as their OH are often out in the evening. It's not the same at all!

Bugsy2 · 23/09/2011 11:56

Zany - Yes, I have to reign in the heavy sarcasm when partnered friends tell me they know what it is like because their other half is away alot. My ex-DH was away every week, when he was with us & it is NOTHING like being on your own!!!!!!
If you can't find anyone to go out with or even stay in with on a Saturday - go late night shopping. I used to do this quite alot & it gave me that feeling of going out & not sitting at home being a saddo. Other thing to do is line up a treat night for yourself. Buy something scrumptious to eat, a couple of your fav mags, a special DVD & save them for the Saturday night. Or you could do a beauty night, long relaxing bath, paint your nails - you know what I mean. If you plan something, then it seems like you are making it a special night & taking time for yourself.

BikeRunSki · 23/09/2011 11:59

Another happy story - my DB met the love of his life when he was 42 and she was 45. Their only sadness is that they have not been able to have children, although he isa great step dad to her 10 yo son.

susiedaisy · 23/09/2011 20:07

Some really positive posts on here, reassuring to know

AmIthatbad · 23/09/2011 20:33

OP, I'm another one who cannot really offer you anything other than to say that you are not alone.

I have posted a few times on a few different threads about how I feel being single, so I won't hijack this one with my "poor me" act, but I do feel the loneliness and totally empathise.

It's my birthday tomorrow, and it's the 7th one I will be spending with my DD, who I love dearly. But the selfish part of me would love breakfast in bed, and a nice dinner out with an adult (yes, a man!!!!)

The positive threads on here do give hope though, so thanks for all of them.

racetobed · 23/09/2011 21:50

Happy birthday Amithatbad!

y'know, i'm single and have been for years too, but i feel very different about my status since i lost a good friend of mine to cancer two years ago. she had a brilliant relationship with her dh, they were once-in-a-lifetime soulmates, a really exceptional couple who grew together and enriched other people's lives through their relationship. but she lost her life at 32. it is the shittiest, shittiest thing.

so now i spend my birthdays feeling incredibly grateful for every year i've lived longer than her....i may never know love like she did, but perhaps the 'soulmate' thing is actually far rarer than we're all made to believe.

so superdeeduper, i wish you love, i really do, but i wish you good health and a long life more.

and 37 is a hot age! ;)

YoFluffy · 28/09/2011 22:57

The first year after we split I felt desperate in need of a partner and panic that I may never find one. Further down the line, I feel desperately NOT in need and can't think of anything more inconvenient. Why? I've built up my social life. Mainly WITH the kids in tow (festivals, single parent groups, school parents' getogethers etc), but I've a life now I'm not keen on relinquishing.

That said, some of us just need someone else and for all of those of you feeling a little despondent, my mum started dating again ...AT 78! She's actually oscillating between 2 suitors, both slightly younger and is currently in the Isle of White with one of them on holiday.

I love the Michael Buble song, "I just haven't met you yet" - if you're down, just focus on the fact that someone out there is waiting for you, your paths simply haven't crossed yet. I do hope you manage to find them a little quicker than my mum...

teahouse · 02/10/2011 09:38

I'm 45 - beeing single for 11 years and not really dated for 6 now. Used to feel really sorry for myself and pretty scared about growing old alone. But all this had faded recently, and the more I hear about other people's relationships, the more I have grown to realise I'm actually quite content.

I have had 1 holiday abroad on my own and a couple of weekends away. I have learnt to take a book wherever I go so I can read whilst in a restuarant waiting for my meal, or in the intervals at the theatre. I go to the cinema alone quite often, and visit stately homes or castle ruins by my self too. It's fine - occasionally people do look at you strangely but I have learnt to ignore them.

I am still a little scared of the future - my kids will soon be fully grown and gone, but I have a tranquility in my life that seems to suit me; lie-ins, and meals when I want them, no hastles fitting my wants around those of others. I rarely get lonely, although would like more of a social life; a problem at my age when all that is on offer is the WI - dancing requires couples, and I am notoriuosly untalented musically, linguistically and artisticaly so painting, language and piane classes are out sadly ;o(

Being at ease with yourself and your life as it is will help get over your fears and insecurites; live life for the now and make each day the best it can be, and let people who wish to waste their energies worry about the future, do that as the future is something we cannot ever know.

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