lone parent but DD greating havoc with new partner (thanks to ex)

[tenkas10]

I have just recently split up with ex for real (i think we were really over 3 years ago, sep bedrooms an all that but only recently got as far as an injunction to get him away - due to DV etc) however i met someone new online...

The courts are obviously very keen on parently contact and my ex is very keen although he keeps cancelling and breaking DD's heart each time - he is addicted to canabis, COD and the premiership but also likes being a parent for show and uses contact time as a means to wind me up. possibly Narcisstic personality disorder.. not sure though

The problem is i met someone, who my DD actually sort of likes but she is very rude to him. Mainly i think because my ex puts her up to it (when they do meet as he quizzes her etc). He treats her and spends time with her way way better then her Dad ever did but she reacts very angrily and rudely and i think it is partly that she is scared of losing me and feels threatened. My ex feeds her lies like this man is going to be her new Dad etc etc and as she is only 3 she believes it all. The end result is that this wonderful relationship is being corrupted and destroyed. Another factor is that even when we do plan some time together my ex will cancel without reason, via text, and so all our time includes the little one. (I have no family here and therfore no one else to help with childcare. Ex had not paid any maintenance so no extra money for babysitter etc) Can anyone recommend any good books on dealing with subversive former partners with control issues who don;t mind damaging the kids to get at the ex and how to introduce new relationships?

Just need to end on a little moan (sorry) but i spend my time building up my ex to my DD so that she can still have a dad ( she sort of went off him after witnessing his verbal attacks and bullying) and also says she doesn't want to see him as he shouts at her. Its so unfair, as i am doing ALL the responsible parenting with no time off, and yet he runs me and the new man down to her to make her distrust him. Her behaviour is driving him away and i don't know if there is any way to rememdy this. I am caught in the middle, can't see clearly and struggling to find good solutions.

Think you need to step back a bit - you say you have recently split from your ex - your DD at 3 won't understand that you have been 'over' since she was born. It is very early to have introduced a new man into her life and had him spend time with her when she is still trying to come to terms with Daddy not being around anymore. If the new bloke is mr wonderful then he won't mind waiting so that you can support DD and work towards a more settled arrangement with her Dad with boundaries in place so the possibilities for winding you up are minimised.

Sorry, not what you wanted to hear but in all honesty I think you'll have a better outcome for your DD if you focus on her emotional needs.

Thanks, i appreciate you are right. i guess it was just a grumble that i don't have time to date alone as my ex is still controlling me from afar. Just to explain, we never spent time together as a family and the new man takes us to the park etc so we can be together doing things that make her happy .. but it all goes well and then she will start yelling at him. i guess its because i am focussing on her emotional needs that this relationship is going pear-shaped and down the drain but i suppose that is the only logical outcome.

she is only three.
you need to put ehr first.
but at three she wont understand all the subtleties.

be consistent about behaiours "we dont shout" etc but remeber what you said -"she is scared of losing me and feels threatened" .
her behaviour is communicaiton in the way she knows.

try role play with dolls and teddies representing the people in her life to see what she really thinks and understands so you can reassure her .

but stop "building up your ex"

she needs to get used to idea he is someone who cancels etc. jsut treat it as that is how he is. he aint gonna change is he?

being indifferent to his ways is only way to survive - however annoying it is when he cancels.
if new p is patient things will b ok
you dont need to make out he is a great dad when he isnt. dont say bad stuff but dont build him up to be something he isnt either - he is someone who pops in and out when he feels like it.

You need to keep your relationship seperate from your dd. There is absolutely no need for her to even know you have a new man, let alone be spending time with him.

My ex partners' child was just 3 when I met him, his parents had separated only 2 months beforehand (I had been told it was 6 m). His mum was already living with another man when I met him.

TBH the kid didn't have a clue, he just took everything for granted and had clear that I was not his mum but dad's girlfriend and that his dad was his dad and the guy at his house was mummy's new partner. It was just natural. So I am not going to jump on the wagon that such behaviour is necessarily rejection towards your new man.

However, I would say that you need to back off a bit, keep seeing new man if you wish, but not with DD around (I know is difficult to pay babysitting, but, if you get your child in the routine of going to sleep at 7, you can have new man around for dinner, movies, whatever without the need of your child noticing).

I think that you need that space to find out if your child is behaving like this because she is finding it difficult to get to grips with her new life/situation, or she is used to have the whole of your attention, feels ignored, is tired, or bored, etc. That behaviour doesn't necessarily mean she is being brainwashed by your ex into hating your boyfriend.

My son doesn't like his dad (dad was very abusive), absolutely adores my ex partner and yet sometimes he was rude to him. Considering how well they used to get along, instead of assuming the rudeness was because the dad/no dad situation, I just dealt with it as a normal parent who has not split: I just told him that what he had done was rude and to apologise as no child of mine was going to go and insult other adults, much less so my invitees.

Having said that, I give my son some margin for error and ensure that if we are going out a part of the day is child oriented, and that we involve him in what we are doing so he feels "part of the group". We also do things he doesn't like, but everyone has their turn here. But, it is important to make sure your child doesn't feel ignored or pushed to the side, as important as not letting her think she is the one calling the shots.

Thanks for all the messages; they all made a lot of sense and helped my thinking.

I have moved onto another concern and would like some advice. My daughter is now used to the situation but is missing her dad so much as he still keeps cancelling. The CSA found him and he told her that I am taking all his money. Boy was she mad at me!! He makes arrangements to see her and then cancels at the last minute. She gets so angry with me as i know her time with her dad is so precious and scarce that she is too scared to get angry with him. its almost hero worship now. Where before she was terrified of him she has put that behind her and just wants to spend some time with him. But he just can't commit to seeing her regularly and cancels without rhyme or reason. I started not telling her when her Dad was fetching her to stop her looking forward to it in case he cancelled but that seemed unfair as than it could mean he could be coming at anytime. She sees other dads collect their kids at nursery and really feels his absence. She keeps asking my permission to see Daddy, and i try and explain that she can see Daddy whenever she wants ... its not up to us.

Thats all a bit incoherent sorry. I guess the question is - ex-partners that break their childrens hearts (what do you do about it) and how do you counteract poisonous messages that they might give your child about you as the other parent. My ex insists on looking good (metaphorically) to himself and the world and especially his daughter so everyone else gets the blame for any poor / irresponsible / neglectful behaviours on his part. I dont DD growing up feeling unloved / unimportant or with low self esteem - but she cannot compete with Man City at all it seems.

Ugh, he sounds like my ex. Even his MUM said he must have npd!
You just have to do your best, don't you?
Myself I am seriously considering moving to the other side of the country!

she can't see daddy whenever she wants tho can she?
jsut as she cant do other things when she wants to - at this age she has to abide by the adults rules and arangements.

she can only see him when he decides to do so. and according to what arangements you have made.

so be more honest and realistic and less confusing with her - it is really not her decision at this age. it is his decision - and yours to a degree.

so you need to change it around when you express it to her

"I have spoken to daddy and he knows he can pick you up on xxdays and xxdays. I have arranged with him to see you on xxxdays/every other weekend/every month/(whatever). but sometimes he is too busy. but that is ok because we wil go to the park/have fun/make cakes/etc"

you can email ex with proposed set routine arrangements - if he doesnt stick to them, it is him doing this not you not your dd. be truthful to DD. "it was aranged with daddy to see you today but he has just called to say he cant make it. I am really sorry and I know you are feeling sad about that. but guess what, now we can go out to xxxxx place and have lots of fun!"

if she asks why - tell the truth - either what he said "gone to football match" or just "i dont know why" .

it is not bad mouthing him to let dd know that it was agreed with ex to pick her up on xxday and that he was the one who decided he was "too busy".or that he "couldnt make it ". it is not about dd deciding when to see him at this age is it? she can want lots of things but she wont get them. that is life - lessons to learn. some people let you down,. not nice tohave to learn that but if she knows she can rely on you and certain other people - and you acknowledge her feelings "i know you feeling sad let's have a cuddle" then she will be ok .

it is up to you/us to try to make sure that despite the failures on the part of other people - we can still give them the feeling they loved/self esteem etcetc.

i like that angrywomen thank-you. I so suspect NPD but of course its something that rarely gets diagnosed. So great that you read that in the description of his behaviour. I thought i was just needlessly labelling - feel better now.

Thanks cestlavielife - i like your phrasing on what we can do alternatively. Her father has previously told her he didnt see her and cancelled because mummy made him too upset... he does twist things. Yes she can't get what she wants but after four / five weeks of no contact she really misses him desparately and has a little melt down. HIs arrangements are chaotic and unfair and trust me, i tried the excel spreadsheet route of arrangements according to his suggestions - what a waste of time!! He makes arrangements for the sake of sounding like he is doing something and i dont think he can tell the difference between saying something loudly and alot and actually doing it. sorry - ranting again. But i will use your phrases with the never-mind and pick me up at the end and daddy cancelled, i don't know why. i think i just read too many pop psychology books about father figures and i don't want her choosing a boyfriend like her dad one day -

cestlavielife - that is excellent advice.

It is one thing to encourage a child's relationship with their father, but another to let children think it's okay when people let them down. It is horrible. But you can make it easier for her to deal with if you follow cestlavilife's plan I think.

Don't let him dictate to you. Send him the rota. Give him space to change it about a bit before it starts - if for example it doesn't fit in with work commitments etc, make it do-able. But once it is set, it stays.

Three is very, very little. Don't give her too much credit for understanding what's going on, if that makes sense. I mean, don't assume she is reacting in the way that you or I would, or in a rational way.

X posts.

So, if he doesn't come at the rota times then he's not welcome at all. Send it at the start of every week if necessary. Then you also have an audit trail in case the prick feels like re-writing history to either your DD when she's older, or the courts.

I really do feel her pain when she says she wants a "daddy cuddle" or when i take her to the park and she says, "i like the park with you, i like nursery, i like shops but i need daddy to be here" She keeps trying to convince me to get back together with him, she says i must learn to like pubs more (like daddy) and for her birthday in September (she will be 5) she asked if me if we can please stop shouting and forgive each other and daddy can then come home. And i do try and let her know gently that it can't happen. She has also told me that daddy has "more energy" for her than me. When she does see him she does get to eat junk food (lots and lots of chocolate) and go to the pub with Daddy to watch the football. But i can't change that really can I? But i think Daddy is more fun because he is just not as tired so in many ways she is missing a mirage? I just don't want her to think her dad's treatment of her is ok and learn to accept that. I know we choose partners based on early experiences of love and missing someone is not love.

he suggested the last rota - every second weekend fri and sat however he has now gone AWoL and missed a few weekends. Possibly to do with footie cup final. I am angry cause he treats his daughter as something to do when there is nothing better on.

she will have to get used to his coming and going.

you and she.
find way to accept and deal wth it. he aint gonna change.

"i missing daddy"

"I hear you, you miss him a lot, and it is ok to feel sad about it. but you should be seeing him soon. look on the calendar it's going to be on xxxday. and if he cant make it then it will be xxx day. now lets go play. what would you like to do today? "

you might also say lots of other childen dont see their daddies so much for work reasons or whatever and all families are different. you cant ahve a birthday o cchirstmas every day. she cant have daddy every day (ok not same thing you might think of something better ) or she doesnt see granny every day but it is nice when she does see her etc

have a read of www.amazon.co.uk/Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-Child/dp/1853407054

recomended to me by psychologist - important thing is to acknowledge their sadness/pain/hurt and let them talk about it, but also move forwards and not get stuck each time on it

lol - he "re-writes history" all the time. i hear you.

thanks for the book link. Yes he is never going to change you are right. there is no luniversal aw that says Dads should be consistent and that their behaviours should match their words our outpourings of love.

That's right about hearing their feelings then moving on. To much dwelling and sympathy will create a victim of her I fear.
It must be so hard
But you won't change him so better help her deal with it.

re. NPD, there are a lot of symptoms for this which I have seen in quite a few people. I looked it up when my ex's mum said she thought he had it and also saw it mentioned on here. When I read the list of behaviours, my ex's mum was exhibiting them almost as much as my ex! Not sure how helpful it is apart from to go through the list and tick, tick, tick, at least you know you're not the only one who has to cope with this behaviour in someone.
Yes I agree with Wicked, you need to deal with and move on. My ex's mother would pour on sympathy everytime her son let them down. I don't want my children to identify as victims!