Really mixed feelings about my circumstances.

[toptramp]

DD was convieved because I was careless about contraception. I kind of did it on purpose because I really wanted a baby even though I hadn't discussed it with my ex. To be honest I think I was having mental health issues at the time. He wanted em to have an abortion but I refused so he left me as a single mum.
I don't regret having my dd at all she is such a joy but I do regret the circumstances. It has been really bad for my career even though that is starting to take off again but I got pregnant a month into a new job and that was ruined. I alos didn't want to be a single mum. I now have a new job, not as good as the old one but a step in the right direction. I don't want to sabotage this job by getting up teh duff with a dodgy man again! I just seem to make such rash decisions. I think I may have borderline personailty disorder. i'm not sure why I am writing this as I love dd so much and wanted her so badly; which is why my mixed feelings have come back to haunt me.

thank you - i think your post was written to give me the identification i am awake in the middle of the night searching for on the internet.
well, my circs were very similar to yours... i had a baby after a fling with a man after many years of wanting one so badly.
recently i has had a diagnosis for Aspergers syndrome, which has explained my rash behaviour and my mixed feelings and conflicts, but thats another story... or is it. i am so lost.

best thing you can do is book a couple sessiosn with a counsellor to talk t his through and move forward - GP can refer for nhs counselling

Hello toptramp

I have BPD, and conceived my daughter (now 13 months) through carelessness with contraception, in a reckless 5-week old relationship with a small-time drug dealing unemployed party boy still living with his mum. I have no idea what I was thinking but I was drinking an awful lot and behaving like a tramp. I clung to my (very good) job, got myself together, attempted to coax boyfriend into a better lifestyle and to make a go of things as a little family. Now a single mother, unsurprisingly, but former drug-dealing bloke is now working full time and has quit drink and drugs, willingly pays child maintenance in excess of what CSA would determine, and things are pretty good. Having DD has kept me under control, as I just can't go off the rails anymore.

I wanted to answer your post as your circumstances seem a bit similar to mine. Don't let your mixed feelings get you down, they are perfectly natural. Go to see your GP if you suspect BPD. The most common referral will be for cognitive behavioural therapy, and it sounds like you have a lot to talk about. You need to keep your rash behaviour in check - don't you find that having your DD helps with that?

I recently had to leave my job to care for my daughter, and it really felt crap at first, chucking in a great career - but you know, it really is of minor importance in the grand scheme of things. Concentrate on sorting yourself out, see a GP, understand your rash behaviour and decisions and don't fret. You will be ok.

Hi toptramp,

I don't have any helpful advice I'm afraid but just so you know you're not alone - I suffered from BPD, was drinking a lot, lots of drugs both prescription and otherwise, lots of sex with lots of people and was careless about contraception also. I now have a 3 year old who has changed my life, I'm happy and healthy but the way in which she was conceived is something that I'm always wishing I could change, her father was a married, drug dealing idiot who I had a very brief fling with and who has refused to acknowledge her at all. I stay far away from men altogether at the moment as I don't trust myself to make sensible decisions .

I do second bodyunknown's advice, if you can afford therapy at all or they will offer it at the doctors, go for it.

All the best.