Ex has finally pushed DD too far

[balia]

DD is 17 next month. She has just come back from spending the summer in NZ, having worked her behind off to get fantastic exam results. She went to see her Dad and to attend a wedding. He asked her before she went to pay for a chinese meal for him, and when she got there (with a date for the wedding) was dragged round town (with date told to pay for all the drinks) until the early hours. As he got more and more drunk he made completely innappropriate comments about the women in the bars, and about DD to various men they met. (Think Inbetweeners, but worse). He also spent the whole evening belittling her exam results, saying she needed the 'university of life' and telling her how stupid she was.

Finally, when they went back to his house (they were supposed to be staying over ready for the wedding the following morning) DD told him he was out of line and that she was going to leave, he physically prevented her from doing so, grabbing her by the arms and lifting her away from the door and putting her on the sofa. She had to promise she would return for the wedding and say that she forgave him and loved him etc before he would let her leave. Even so, her poor date had to wrap his arms round her to prevent her Dad dragging her back into the house.

I am so angry. I want her to report him to the police but she says she doesn't want to, she just doesn't want anything more to do with him. He has rung a few times since, but we have ignored the calls. He has left mesages but none accept any responsibility, and he is now claiming he doesn't know what he did to upset her and has got another relative to text, guilt tripping DD into contacting him. (She hasn't)

I've spent 9 years encouraging the relationship, trying to make DD feel better when he let her down, trying to see things from his point of view - I didn't even claim any maintenance for 5 years! But I am done.

I don't bloody blame you. In your shoes, I'd tell this relative exactly what he's done and tell said relative to not dare interfere.

I don't trust myself to talk to the relative this evening. However, I'm also trying not to take my temper out on the wrong person. He'll have been round there, turning on the tears and pleading innocence. She (relative) is young and doesn't have the greatest idea of what functional relationships are like. And ex can be very convincing and persuasive when he wants to be. Am very tempted to ring his wife, though. One of his messages accused DD of making things difficult for him re her stepmum (ie because DD didn't attend the wedding) and how he had to tell SM that DD was ill. If I had a number for her I bloody well would let her know.

have you thought of ringing the dv unit at the local police and getting their advice. you do not have to give a name.

will her date say anything?

If your DD fell out with you, how would you like your DD's farther to help her is there any advice you would be wanting him to give to her if she were to fall out with you? Your talking about a teenager here, falling out with their parent, it has been know to happen, to all kinds of parents be they seen to be "good" or "bad" parents. It's that crazy mine field of feelings and emotions for both parents and their children.

That kind of implies that either balia was there, or that the account given by an upset nearly 17 year old child to the parent who clearly doesn't like the other party in this incident has ... "the complete picture." Which maybe the case ... but when your dealing with people who have these things call feelings it's never the case that anyone has the "complete picture."

I'm not really clear about the advice you are giving, White. I don't think minimising physical abuse as a 'fall out' is helpful to any woman, and the suggestion that I don't have 'the complete picture' seems to imply that she must have done something to provoke him? That she 'deserved' it or is overreacting?

Some of your comments seem to suggest that I have some sort of agenda of my own. I have always thought that children should have relationships with both parents and have posted to that effect here many times. I have told DD that if/when she wishes to resume contact with her father I will support her in that as I have always done.

However, I will also take the very sensible advice offered and ring the dv unit. DD's date has also made it clear he would make a statement if DD wants to take things any further as he was horrified (and frightened) by her father's behaviour.

She is 17yrs old. She doesn't want to report him. She doesn't want to see him. I should just leave her to do it her way. She can't be forced to see him.

I have an 18 year old son, and when we have a 'falling out' I know that he'll tell his mother some bits and leave out others maybe change a bit here and there. Basically press all the right buttons that his mother wants to hear so that it leaves her on his side of any disagreements we have. And his mother never phones me to find out from the actual adult what really happened, talking about these things like parents should ... and I think it's a pitty that this doesn't happen.

It's almost like treating the child as the grown up and not talking to the parent because the're the child in these situations. I'm not presuming that this is the case here but when the parents don't talk to each other as adults it can put the child in the middle, I understand this isn't always possible for many different reasons. So I guess if you need more specific advice it would be, if you can, talk to her farther about what happened and decide as parents what you think you should both do to help your DD.

But white- at 17, after working in NZ all summer, do you not think she should be classed as a grown up? And if a date thought that the father treated her bad enmough to warrant a statement to the police, that the incident was bad enough for the 17 year old to understandably decide to keep away?

We all bring our own experience to the table, so I'm going to try and regard your advice, White, in the spirit I assume it was intended. DD is not a silly kid (as Breakout has accurately assessed) trying to make trouble between her parents. And I can assure you I am not the kind of parent who wants to hear that their child has been assaulted, trapped and frightened. If anyone else had done this to her, would you be suggesting I had a little chat with her attacker?

I have calmed down sufficiently to speak to the relative, however, who has said that she was intimidated (by ex) into sending the text, and that she has seen him when he gets into drunken rages and no longer goes to his house or sees him alone. She also said that ex verbally abuses her on a regular basis and turns up at her house demanding money. I have suggested she contact the police.

DD seems quite recovered, making preparations for starting college and for her birthday. I have made it clear she can discuss the whole thing at any time, she doesn't have to make any permanent decisions either way.

seems like he has form then. sorry but if this was dd's boyfriend/partner/husband, you ould be telling her to leave him and report to the police and have no more contact.

Just an update - DD has not contacted her father since the incident. She has, however, had a long telephone conversation with her stepmother. We discussed it beforehand and I wanted her to be prepared in case her SM minimised the incident or made excuses for her Dad and DD felt she owed an apology for not attending the wedding.

They had a long heart to heart. SM was very supportive of DD, said she knows ex is cheating and an alcoholic; she is close to leaving but isn't 'ready'. She doesn't blame DD for choosing not to see her Dad.

DD has decided she will not contact her Dad for a further month. At the end of that time, she will reflect on whether the month would have been, on any level, better if her Dad had been part of it.

your daughter at 17 is old enough to make up her own mind about her dad, i have spent years helping to put right every time my x messes up and upsets our kids. they are now 15 and 12 and im also done so understand how you feel.

Am going to post this on legal, too, with a link to the thread - just wondered if anyone had any thoughts on further action? Ex stopped calling DD after I phoned and left a message saying she didn't want him to, but has now started again, and although DD is not answering, it is upsetting her. Should she take legal advice?