Is anyone else a single mum with a boyfriend???

[bourneville]

I have been with my boyf for nearly 3 years and I am just dying to share positives/negatives/difficulties etc with people. in Relationships it's all about problems with partnerships/marriages, in Lone Parents it's all about problems with exes. I have neither!!

[SpringCrimboTurkey]

Relationships isn't always about marriages. I used to post there was DP was just a boyfriend as aposed to my fiance and i still will when he is my DH

[HappyMumof2TurtleDoves]

you can post under relationships about any kind of relationship, family/friendship etc and you can post under lone parents for any issues you face as a lone parent, not just exes!

[jinglinggoblin]

i post everything under chat

[bourneville]

oh yeah, I know I can post in either of those, even in step-parenting with some things that come up for us, but I was just wondering if I was alone in being in the situation I'm in as I haven't come across anyone? I also posted a thread ages ago asking if there was anyone else out there similar to me and got 0 replies!

[bourneville]

bump

[Max71]

Hey there bournville, yes I'm a single parent with a bf. We've been together 2.5 years. I managed to luck out as my DS and bf are as thick as theives. DS is nearly 10 and has said on occasion he thinks it would have been better if BF was his dad. If you bear in mind he sees his dad 3 weekends out of four and a lot of the holiday, that will tell you what kind of man(?) his dad is.

Before the BF i would not let anyone meet my son, I knew they weren't serious and did not want DS seeing mummy with different people!!

Do you children see their dad? Have you been called the wrong name yet? DS has called me 'ange' his dad's gf name. I gave him a padington stare....that sorted it. I've also heard him call his dad 'glen' on so many occasions. It just makes me laugh!!

[bourneville]

My boyf was a star cos I found out I was pg with someone else's child a month after we got together! So he has been around from the very beginning, which makes it easier in one way, though, I have to admit, he wasn't always very supportive at first as he was finding it all hard enough coming to terms with himself. But I am so proud of him for sticking by me, getting through the hard stuff, and now we are very close and he & dd adore each other. It's been a roller coaster ride all in all though...

dd is 2.3 now. Her real dad lives abroad, we are in good email contact. All that makes it a million times easier than for a lot of people too. She knows about him, photos etc. It'll be interesting to see how her relationship with my boyf develops as she gets older.
btw we're not livnig together in case that wasn't clear. We're v independent, he comes over about twice a week. We try our best to get out now & then too, (the 2 of us i mean).

[beejay]

I am been with him a year and a half but not so lucky with his relationship with my dd despite starting off well it's now getting really difficult, she is rude to him (eg telling him he is stupid) and very 'touchy' ie if he goes to pick her up she cries or if he gives her a mild telling off she gets really upset. It's like she doesn't trust him.
Does anyone have any advice as it is really affecting our relationship ( eg he is reluctant to come round to our house)

[bourneville]

oh dear beejay, doesn't sound good. How old is she and how old was she when you met him?

Because my boyf been around since the beginning, I never really had that problem unless you count the young baby days when she was v clingy and only wanted mummy. I think it bugged him but of course understood she was just a baby - he was well chuffed when she got a bit older and started relating to him. Difficult with an older kid i'd imagine!

I guess advice would be same as your dd's relationship with anyone, make sure they have plenty of time to do stuff together, bond etc, not push her into anything she doesn't want to do. Maybe it would help if your boyf didn't get involved in telling her off (except only to back you up if she's using him against you) so that she gets to see only his fun nice side therefore starts to trust him? I don't know how workable that is cos of course she also has to ultimately have respect for him and know she can't mess around with him...... It is so difficult with a boyf isn't it, at least with me, I feel like I don't have a right to really sit & talk stuff out with boyf (things related to handling dd etc i mean) cos she's not his and he "shouldn't" have to be dealing with it -yet. I also feel like if I start talking about complicated, difficult stuff it'll put boyf off being with me. It's only my own paranoia of course, boyf has been happy to discuss things & has recently started to come on board backing me up discipline wise cos he realised she was starting to play us against each other, but still it is hard...

Sorry i don't think I've said anything remotely helpful!!

[beejay]

Oh thanks Bourneville that's really useful. She is 6 and was 4.5 when she met him, but the don't see each other that regularly ( which I think is part of the problem)
We had a really great holiday together in the summer, we really bonded as a 'family' but then a really lousy one afterwards which was also when he started taking a more 'active' role in discipling her... she says she doesn't like being told off by someone 'who is not in her family' whilst he feels that she is old enough to be respectful!
I have also thought that he should take a step back and allow me to do the nasty stuff so that he comes across as the hero. It's hard though when the moment I go and make a cup of tea she suddenly kicks him !

I know what you mean about not wanting to put someone off by sharing the difficult side of parenting when the child is not biologically theirs-- I also feel a bit like that though I think it is starting to change a bit- I know he's not going to run off at the first hint of trouble... and it doesn't sound like yours will either!

[bourneville]

Yeah it has taken a long time to build that trust, I have always felt ridiculously insecure.

Had a nightmare at bedtime yesterday. It was my birthday so boyf was really keen to have a nice evening to ourselves, but dd has only been in a bed (rather than cot) for a week and it was the 1st evening that he has come over before bedtime since being in a bed, so she was all excited etc and kept getting out of bed. On my own I would've carried on bringing her silently to bed however long it took for her to give up (which I did at the beginning of the week, and it worked, she only got up once the next night cos she fell out of bed & went back happily) but ended up using the naughty mat (didn't work), boyf tried once but just made it worse cos she was getting attention from him, and I ended up threatening to take her doggy (security object) away and had to do it...she came out again a few mins later really distressed & I gave him back saying I really would take him away if she got up again and then she stayed in bed thankfully. I think it was an unforgivable thing for me to do, I feel really really awful about it this morning and just so frustrated that just cos boyf was here I had to change what I would normally have done, and feel slightly panicky about what will happen next time the same thing happens... Have told boyf I am not going to threaten to take her doggy away again - after all he is supposed to be her security placement for me, so to speak, I do not want to gain control of him!! She can't sleep without him anyway, if she had got up again I dread to think WHAT would have happened. Boyf kind of understands though was like "It worked - and she got him back."
Thing is, as a 2 parent family you can both ride the storm, be consistent, do it together. But with a boyf who is over now & then, he sometimes says "can't you just bend the rules for me, just today?" sort of thing. He is generally v understanding about how the whole discipline thing works, and consistency etc, but.....
grrrr!

Yeah sounds like your boyf should see more of your dd. It sounds like you have a lot of time to just be together without her, when she's with her dad, whereas I don't have that option so boyf has to see dd every time he's here!

[bourneville]

That was meant to be doggy is a security replacement for me!

[bourneville]

beejay, just realised i mixed you up with Max when I was on about you having time with your boyf while your dd at her dad's - max's post says 3 weekends out of 4 her ds is with his dad, that's what i was thinking of!

[beejay]

Oh don't worry Bourneville actually your advice still holds as she has been going to her dad's every saturday night for quite a while !

Re your daughter's bedtime shennanigans, my daughter used to do that all the time, if anyone was coming over she would always be really awkward about going to bed... if it was just me and her she would be good a gold..

It's so much easier sticking to routines when you are on your own isn't it?

But anyway it sounded like you handled it fine-- it is good to have sanctions that work (like taking her doggy away from her for a short time, even if you give it back afterwards. ) She needs to know you mean business even fos a short while.

As my dad once said to me when my dd was being really stroppy-- Kids really like to know the boundaries are there, even though they may fight against them at the time. She would probably been far more distressed and confused had you just let her run riot and do her own thing!

Anyway it is hard being a single mum even if you have quite a lot of support-- the buck always stops with you doesn't it!

But it sounds like you are doing a great job!

[bourneville]

Thanks beejay, I feel a bit better now you've said that. I have always been very clear about boundaries/routine etc, I thought taking her doggy away was a step too far! I still won't do it again, but one mistake me and boyf def made last night was hyping her up too much - he was running around with her just before bed. We know not to do that again! It's not reassuring though to know that it continues to be hard when someone else comes around, we still want our evenings to ourselves!

Yes totally agree it is MUCH easier by yourself (in terms of discipline/consistency). I read threads about partnerships & thank my lucky stars sometimes! Babyhood was hard, though, I felt so alone then, when I had absolutely no time to myself and no help (I was breast feeding quite frequently so nobody could really babysit - a father could have done bits & pieces!) Boyf isn't really aware of how hard it all was cos I protected him from so much of it. These days, he knows all & is involved a lot more too.

[beejay]

I found the babyhood bit really hard too... my ex was kind of around but not living with us and essentially all the responsibility was mine. Also breastfed my dd and basically didn't go out socially for about a year! I really thought 'that's it, my life is over' but it's amazing how you get it back and looking back on it I'm glad I put all that hard work in.

Are you thinking of moving in with your boyf at all? We are considering this step which both terrifies and appeals in equal measure...

[bourneville]

We both want a future together but not for another few years. I am very happy being a single mum and the idea of "settling down" with a partner and having 2 of you deal with everything terrifies me, plus boyf is in a band (hoping to get a record contract before long) so has his own life to lead first - he's not ready to settle down & have kids yet! One of my friends can't understand how our relationship doesn't move on, she can't see what the big deal would be for him to move in, but it's absolutely huge, isn't it? She thinks it's just like a couple having a baby, but it's not, it's your boyf completely 100%, financially, emotionally, paternally, taking on your child....
So, no, we're not ready for it yet!!

[beejay]

I know it's so scary isn't it? We are talking about it more seriously now but you feel so responsible not only for yourself but also for your child, don't you?
I am reluctant to give up the security of my little family unit, the house I struggled so hard to get, with a nice school round the corner, great childminder etc... But at the same time I want to move on, get married, have another baby which would mean giving up that security...
Sometimes I think I am just commitment-phobic

[bourneville]

beejay I feel the same way, commitment phobic! I think cos I had a long term relationship previously so I'm not going to rush into anything else in a hurry.
And yes, having dd to think of as well is a huge deal. It's a 3-person relationship really. Even though we're not living together the thought of us splitting up & having to explain to dd horrifies me, so living together would be even more scary!