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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

tell me its get easier to be a single mum

15 replies

MistletoeMiggins · 06/12/2005 21:37

....except I dont actually find the mum part an issue as Ive been doing it all anyway.

what I find hard is the fact H has gone off with someone else
my children are without a dad because he didnt want me

I have to look after my kids physically & emotionally while he just swans around
he doesnt have to care about my feelings
how can you be with someone for nearly 10 years and it all just disappear?

Christmas is just round the corner and there is a thread "what do YOU want for Christmas" and I dont want anything except my H back & faithful

I just feel so sad about it all - Im not crying which is a good sign - Ive spent all year crying and think that when I finally gave him the push, it got rid of all uncertainty...but doesnt make it easier.

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colditz · 06/12/2005 21:42

I have nothing else to say, I've not been is your position before.

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MistletoeMiggins · 06/12/2005 21:47

I guess the thing that worries me is that I am the sort of person that people say "oh MrsM! Shes strong - nothing bothers her"
so already Im putting on a brave face & laughing at my situation & making out Im sooooo over him...except a friend asked me at the weekend whether Id take him back and I couldnt answer...which says it all

except he is homeless and childless AND would rather that than spend his life with me

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Epiffany · 06/12/2005 21:48

MRsM , you've done amazingly well to pull it this far with such courage petal.
Xmas is a crap time when you're recently separated. Bury yourself in your kids being excited about xmas if you can.
I hope you're ok
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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merrySOAPBOXingday · 06/12/2005 21:48

I know how rough this feels, and I am so sorry you are still finding all of it so painful

Some men are awful aren't they - but many many more are not - and if you want to you may find in time that one of the better variety comes along

I think you and your family have wasted enough years on this wastrel - years that should have been so happy for you as a family. Don't throw good after bad - try to move on, you and your children deserve the happiness that will come. (And if you need to know when - I would say that IME around 6 months after they leave there is a shift towards accepting what has happened and being ready to move on, about 12 months later and its hard to believe you were ever such a mug

The timing may be different for you, but I am sure the end game will be the same - you and your family will be happy again sometime soon - just cling to that thought

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SNOWaMANda · 07/12/2005 08:28

MrsM, I posted on your legal thread earlier. I've been a single mum for 4 years and in that time I've had a 2 year relationship end over infidelity. It's the hardest thing to get over, imo.

You have handled everything so well. Up until a month ago I'd probably have said I didn't want ex dp back but in my heart I probably would have had him back. Now, though, I would not have him back. I know a 2 year relationship isn't the same as a 10 year one but I did love him and thought we'd spend our lives together.

I hope you've got friends and family around you to help you. Honestly, it will get easier and you will be stronger as a result of this. It's just hard to see that now.

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gothicsanta · 07/12/2005 08:31

try not to see it as him not wanting you put a positive spin on it he is too selfish / ???/ to be with you and you deserve better. It hurts at tfirst but try not to see his behaviour as arejection but as an opportunity to go and do something you want for you

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MistletoeMiggins · 07/12/2005 08:38

I have got all my family and lots of friends for support...its just so hard though
in situations like this it is easier for everyone to hate H and say things like "better off without him"....but they dont have DS asking if daddy's phoning tonight
I know H hasnt exactly been top dad OR husband this year but he still is their dad

I guess just having a bad few days

like Ive said, people dont like me crying so easier to just pretend all ok

I expect its Christmas looming that is making things seem worse

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SNOWaMANda · 07/12/2005 08:45

It is ok to cry and it's ok to be seen crying. That doesn't make you weak or anything like that. I obviously tried to avoid crying when dd was around but I'm not perfect and sometimes she saw that.

Of course he's still their dad - that will never change. It's up to HIM now to make the effort to see them. My dd's teacher summed up her dad's lack of showing up on parent's evening recently by saying that eventually she will hold him accountable for his actions. I won't need to do that.

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sanchpanch · 07/12/2005 15:19

it will definetely get better, my ex laft in june, we have 2 dd's,
I was totally devastated, never thought i would get through it, used to beg and plead him to come back etc,
now 5 months on, i am much happier, he is with someone new now, although i dont ask him, i hear through the grape vine,
I have lost 4 stone in weight feel much better about myself, and catch him looking at me when he drops girls off, and i just think eat your heart out, tosser,
The only reason i would like him to want to come back now would be it would give me a chance to ask all questions i havent been brave enough to ask, i dont want him back now not now he has spent part of his life with someone else,
I never thought i would say that, i also did a course through relate, "new life new challenge" which was fab
Best wishes

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MistletoeMiggins · 07/12/2005 18:29

blimey sanchpanch - you do sound different
I read your thread few months back

I know I just need to get on with it - I find it hard when DS asks where daddy is and have spent today at work torturing myself over the fact that he will eventually have them for weekends

I didnt have children to lose them every other weekend

still thats a long way off for us as he hasnt even anywhere to lvie

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sanchpanch · 08/12/2005 09:41

sorry that was bit rushed yesterday i was just leaving work..
It will definetely get easier, although i know it doesnt feel like that to you at the moment, and when people used to say it to me i thought it wouldnt...
I used to spend my whole life trying to get him to come back, writing him letters etc, nothing worked, and i like what someone said on your other thread, about him having to realise this himself, like her ex did, and i am still sure one day he will regret it, but i now know it would be to late now for me to go back, he has hurt me so so much, but like i said yesterday, i would love him to ask me to come back because this would be the only time i would ask him about her, and whether they were together when we were etc....

I am not saying it is easy, but it will get easier, i hate him taking girls ever other weekend, but i have started to go out with friends, and try to make the most of the time on my own, because i do find it hard bringing them up on my own with no one to off load to every evening, so i am begining to enjoy this time alone....

I still feel sick when he is coming to get them, but once he is here i am ok, he went to kiss me last week and i stepped away, and i had a single rose in the kitchen that my friend was given, but she left it at my house to piss him off!!! and he commented on it, i ignored him!!!
and this sunday i actually had to ask him to leave, he always seems to hang around when he drops them off so after an hour i got the girls coats on and he said, oh am i holding you up!!!! i said yes,

I has taken me a while to get to this stage up til 4 weeks ago, i was still sobbing as he took the girls, not asking him back but still saying, i cant beleive you have done this to us etc, but in the end i realised i wasnt getting anywhere, and now realise i couldnt go back anyway, not now he has spent part of his life with her, so now i try and be cool and in control.

You will get there, i cant recommend that course highly enough, its on the relate website, maybe you could see if there is one near you,

Best Wishes, take one day at a time, i prominse you it will get better.

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waggledancer · 08/12/2005 10:29

It so does get better but it takes time. When I split with my ex, for the same reason as you did, someone told me it takes a month for every year you were together. We had 11yrs and it took me over a year. Every month got easier. I can honestly say now that my kife is so much better than when I was with him.

The best revenge is living well, so look after yourself and the kids

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waggledancer · 08/12/2005 10:30

My life is so much better too

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beejay · 14/12/2005 13:41

Mine too
Every day I feel grateful for my lovely dd -- though I still love the time I spend apart from her too ( you will get used to it and learn to look forward to it I promise)

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weesaidie · 14/12/2005 14:03

A month for every year hey? Oh dear, it took me longer than 2 months to get over my two year relationship!

I am very happy on my own now though, in fact I think I might be a bit too content! I do want to find a new man, and I am sure I will but am fine on my own at the moment.

I am sorry this is probably not at all helpful and annoying to hear but it is the old adage, time heals...

Just take time for yourself - when you can! - do what you love and remember that we just have to accept things we cannot change. That is paraphrased from the bible and I am an athiest but I think it is true. Hard but true.

My ex didn't want to try and make things work... and I couldn't change his mind. I had to accept it and release it wasn't worth it.

Good luck.