I've been on my own, bringing up three children, since my ex walked out to live with his mistress last year. Most of the time we do fine - I've managed to get us back on our feet financially after a crappy divorce by working really hard, and saving loads. The children are fed, healthy and doing ok at school. People tell me I'm doing really well.
I'm fucking fed up. I hate being in on a Saturday night on my own - I could get a babysitter but everyone I know is married and busy, and spends Saturday nights on the sofa eating a takeaway.
I am sick of feeling 100% responsible for the long term welfare and happiness of three children - it's unbelievably tough not having someone around to pick up the slack. My ex is around, and does his fair share in terms of contact and maintenance but I can't rely on him to enforce behaviour standards - he says they never misbehave for him, and I can believe that because he fucking well walked out on them and they know on some level that his love is conditional, whereas mine isn't. My mother clearly thinks I am too lax with them - she's just finished telling me that I need to "set boundaries". Of course I set boundaries, that's why all hell breaks loose when they don't get what they want.
I'm tired of not being the parent I want to be. I yell loads, I get so impatient with them, and when they don't behave the way I think they should, I get this horrible panic that they are going to grow up like their father - selfish, irresponsible and thinking that they will get what they want without having to ever make any sacrifices.
Fuck. I haven't cried in months, and now I'm sitting here sobbing.
No need for anyone to reply to this, I just need to tell someone, and all my friends would look horrified, and try and tell me I'm doing fine. Which isn't what I need to hear - they are sweet and very supportive but totally without any clue of how difficult this is.