Meeting the OW (now new girlfriend/fiancee/whatever)

[Dee34]

Hi,

I have posted in the relationships thread about how my now ex-fiance left us (me and now 3 year old DS) to be with a woman in met in the US whilst on a business trip there. Long story, but it was long distance affair (punctuated with visits and then when it all came out they made plans for her to move her. She is here now - arrived at the start of July. From the day she arrived here, she has lived with ex, so DS was introduced to her a few days after she arrived. I wanted to meet her (or thought I did) from the moment I knew she would be interacting with DS to such a great degree (brief backstory - by the time she arrived here in July, she had only spent 30 or so days physically with ex, no-one knew anything about her - only ex - and that is what she has obviously shown/told him. She knew he was in a relationship back here, but they fell in love and she was happy to leave her life over there and move here to be with ex and as ex told her, take second priority to DS - a child she had never met before moving here 7-8 weeks ago. I completely get that they can know each other and that what they do relationship wise is up to them and none of my business, but am/was worried about DS being in her company). Anyway, ex poo-pooed it, said that I was weird for wanting to meet her and that it would never happen (I was to never even talk to her). I fought back a bit, and he said that I could come to first meeting between her and DS (in a playcentre) but would have to sit in a corner, not look at them or even attmept to look at her. Decided it was ridiculous so said I would not bother (through very gritted teeth) as DS would not be sleeping there straight away and contact in the week at least is limited as she has a very long commute to work......

Anyway, now, ex is keen for DS to start sleeping back over there - know this has to happen sooner rather than later (first murmurings yesterday). So, surpirse, surprise, he is now changing his tune and saying that actually new girlfriend wants to meet me so I can see that she is not a monster (I have never called her this) and that she is actually a really nice person (ex's words - bearing in mind, he left us back in Jan and turned our lives upside down, bullied me and belittled me - several times over the phone with her in the background making herself heard - I am in slight disagreement with him on this). So - have a big decision. Should I meet her? Is it ever a good thing to meet the OW, especially so soon? RL opinion is split between 'oh,I would never let my child within 10 feet of her unless I had seen her' (from people who have not been through this) to 'I wouldn't bother meting here and just leave it' (again from people who have not been through this).

And yes, I know I have no legal grounding to stop him from introducing DS to anyone at anytime as he sees fit. Nor from him demanding DS sleeps over

BTW, title not inteded to be a dig, its just that I have no clue whether ex is indeed married to her now as he was planning on getting hitched soon after she arrived here due to visa issues she was experiencing on arrival. They could be married now or still engaged or still bf/gf.....try and keep my contact/knowlegde of that stuff to a minimum.

Anway, lot of waffle to ask a simple question - did you ever meet the OW (or OM)?

Thanks in advance,
Dx

Personally I'd ask the question "What good can come of this?"

In other words what's in it for either of you? What are you going to talk about?

Is there anything this woman can actually do so you would see her not as a evil bitch of a home wrecker but instead as a decent woman who will be a positive influence in your DS's life? I suspect not.

It might be tolerable if it turns out she's a big fat whale with BO problems but how will you feel if she's stunning?

I think meeting her will just open up old wounds.

As for your DS ffs just let him stay. Almost always in these situations it's jealousy which is the real reason rather than any genuine concerns with the other woman.

To answer the simple question (which is not to ignore the pain and wider issues) I met a number of OW without realising, and some of them were lovely, actually. After I finally worked it out, he had a g/f who I didn't meet, who didn't get on at all with our DD, and then met his current wife, who I did meet. She is a very nice person, although very focussed on her own children rather than DD. When DD was younger we even had some days out together and attended school events. It was very pleasant, and made raising some issues much easier.

For now, though - should she be your priority? I would have said that working out a workable parenting agreement with your ex would be first, mabe with mediation, maybe using a parenting plan (you can get them off the internet). This absolutely should include overnight stays; you need to think about christmas, holidays, childcare, medical treatment, diet, visits with wider family, religion, school, finances, pick ups, drop offs, activities, comunication in the short and long term...the list is pretty big and you have many years of separated parenting ahead. I would tell him that it would be sensible for the two of you to meet at some point but the priority right now is the parenting issues you need to resolve.

niceguy2, balia - thanks for the input, insight and opinions. Think I have come to a decision (for now) to not meet her and to focus on my DS.

Just to be clear - although I have been against overnights since she arrived here, ex has not been overly concerned with this (and has in fact had a number of nights away - including a holiday, with another one planned - on nights when he was supposed to have DS for that evening). DS has had overnights with ex since April, which is when he got a bed in for him; between end Jan - when he moved out - and April he did not have anywhere for DS to sleep, so I was not the block here (apparently M&P delivery service was). Between April and June, he had multiple nights away (usually to US on holiday, but also for work in London) some of which also clashed with his agreed time with DS, so again, he missed those nights. Some nights I swapped, others I was not able to.

Take the (very good) point about parenting plans and will be meeting with him in next couple of weeks to chat through these issues and points (already planned to do so).

Thanks again.

No. She wants to meet me, and that is good enough reason for me to refuse. That woman is 'nothing' to me. The kids refuse to even consider meeting her and ex is still caught up in the fantasy that we 'all' need to move on and be happy. This seems to involve me accepting that these two people who ripped my childrens family apart can play happy families with the kids. Sounds bitter but I'm actually at a really 'can't be arsed' stage. I have an undertaking from ex via solicitors that the children will not be forced into meeting her and for the time being, until that becomes the case, Little Miss Awesome can carry on with her campaign to be seen as someone I'd be happy to breath the same air as....

It's a fantasy that it is a good idea to move on and be happy?

Doesn't sound like you are at the indifference stage yet Sapphire. You sound very much still at the anger stage to me.

Ideally your ex wouldn't have had an affair and ideally any new partners would come along after a period of time after it had all settled down. If this was the case the introductions would be simpler, i.e you or your ex introduce the idea of a new partner and then all parties meet briefly on the drop off/pickup.

My gut reaction would be to meet her, briefly at a drop off/pick-up, no need for a formal sit down meet - otherwise she is this person who maybe your DS will talk about and you have no idea about her. Also this way its done and you don't have to be concerned about bumping into her.(I think you said you both live locally so bumping into each other is a real possibility)

What do you what to do? What is your instinct? I suspect she might be keen to meet you (although your ex might have photos of you so what you look like might not be a surprise).

My exH introduced our DC to his new woman quite early on, introducing her as 'nanas friend'. Alarm bells rang immediately for me as former mil doesn't have any friends. Personally, I couldn't give a flying fig what he does or who with so long as it doesn't upset the DCs. To date, I haven't met this woman & not interested in doing so, but the children seem to be ok with her and that's all I am interested in. Good luck with your situation :)

For me it would be too soon to meet her. I'd get that sick and shaky feeling. She is in the very early stages of her relationship with your ex and as such is, I'm sure trying to be the prefect new girlfriend. He's already told her that DS is his priority so of course she wants him to see her as lovely with your DS too. In wanting to meet you it's all part of the process.

I'd say no.

She seems as though she's got it all her way so far. Bollocks to her .

Something that she can never have is the bond between you and your DS. Double bollocks to her

thanks for the extra responses and insight. nope, wont be meeting her just yet as far too soon as dont think I could act very dignified in front of/towards her as ex is still being a smug so and so.....

ds (3 y.o) has just started coming back home saying her name....just say 'x doesn't live here, she lives with daddy' or, if its in the context of where they have been that day, will instead focus on the day out, so will say, 'ohh, that's nice. What did you see at the zoo?'. blah, blah.

smum99 - gut instinct is no I think, for now. Yes, they live around the corner from me (literally around the corner....). I have seen them driving around in ex's car on the same estate where we all live now. I have seen her jogging around the estate - they do not care and have no immediate plans to move, despite ex agreeing to move before she arrived as it would be uncomfortable for all of us to be living on top of each other for no good reason..I guess I will see her at a drop-off eventually, though have asked ex not to bring her round here (and as he lives around the corner, even if they are off for a day out, it is a 40 second detour - if that - to go back to his and pick her up before they head off. This may change once I move away).

I dont want to be bogged down in what they or other people think, but the whole 'she now wants to meet you so you can see she is a nice person' just smacks of insensitivity (I have since discovered over last few months that she was aware that ex had a family back here in the UK, after their early Dec tryst, but they could not help themselves as they were so in love and the heart wants what the heart wants - this was on a card she sent him). I am also wary of the whole making friends thing - of course, nothing could be further from this stance for me anyway, but I know ex and he will spin, spin, spin as he is very keen to get acceptance for him and new gf now. He is mad keen for me to get back into being friends with him and still getting pally type texts and emails. I am aiming for being friendly with him in the long run, that is all. So, long winded answer! .

They have to marry within 6 months if she obtained a visa to come to the UK as his fiance. So they have until November.

But if she just came on holiday and didn't obtain a visa before hand things may be a bit different.

Basically there's no need to rush things and if it doesn't feel right for you at this time then don't force it/yourself. If you are happy for ds to stay with your ex then I think you need to accept that it doesn't matter to ds's welfare if she is there or not when ds stays with him really as you were happy when she wasn't there IYSWIM.

Sort out a parenting plan. If you don't feel comfortable with contact then agree to give it a few weeks and then increase it gradually and if ds is happy then increase a bit more in a few more weeks etc. Be led by your ds here.

Seems to me like your ex wants to come across as being pally etc as he probably told her his relationship was over long before it was and that you were together still for your ds's sake.

By delaying her meeting you to see for herself you are cool with it etc he has discovered that she is perhaps doubting him a bit and is probably keen to force it because of this or maybe because he believes on some level that you are ok with it all.

Please don't feel you have to do this until you are ready to do so. It may set you back emotionally if you're not ready for this step yet.

Thanks Gillybean - very insightful about the vis situation. He had spun it to me that it was very likely that they would be getting married within a few months of arriving here as she was having visa issues and had arrived here on a temp visa, which, at the time, sounded very dodgy as she (1) was supposedly doing an internal job transfer from US to UK and (2) she was still able to work here (who knows if she is even working - given up caring). I didn't ask any questions about her, her visa and their wedding when he dropped the news (2 days before she arrived) as was slightly more concerned what this would mean for DS in the short term (i.e. daddy off marrying someone and having to get used to a new perm fixture in his life and how this would affect ex's will when it came to DS if he popped his clogs after marrying someone he hasn't been with for that long - again, not bothered about them getting married - more, how would new gf treat DS if she suddenly became widow and sole beneficiary of ex's estate!). Tbh, a few people have voiced their suspicion that someone in such a good position job-wise would be forced into getting married earlier than planned on the basis of visa issues. I dont buy it, but its for them to worry about I guess.

Yes, see what you mean re. DS staying with ex regardless of whether she is there or not. Also good suggestion about re-inforcing this as an exercise where we are led by DS. Lots of changes have occurred and still to come as we now get ready to move house.....

Unfortunately, I think ex is living in cloud cuckoo land as he really does want us to be friends as we once were (eh?!) and he is keen for me to 'get over this' so things can indeed be okay as he sees it.

Yep, meeting her would send me back a bit (read - a lot). She may well be nice enough under other circumstances (and I have to believe that she is nice on some level else would kill me to have DS go off and be in her company), but the situation and all that has come with it, unfortuntaely, has not been nice.....

Thanks again.

sorry - poor grammar and spelling above. am going cross-eyed and needing my bed!