single parent by choice?

[walkingonthebeach]

Hello, I am in my 30s and single.

I do have a very secure and well paid job, my own lovely home, car and so on. I've tried to find a partner but it gets harder as I get older and I am considering getting pregnant through sperm donation. I feel I would regret it immensely if I never had children.

Does anybody have any thoughts on this or experience?

Thank you x

and if getting pregnant didn't work - would you be prepared to go through the adoption process in order to have a family? In other words - how much do you want it? I think its a good rule of thumb (for most things) if you are really prepared to do the things you ^really really don;t want to do then you want it enough to make it work.

Don;t do it whilst you have any reservations (however small) becuase it is terribly hard at times.

kewcumber makes a good point there. I had my DD just before my 42nd birthday. I'd had a bloody fantastic life/lifestyle but having DD gave my life a meaning it didn't have before. I wouldn't change things even though, sometimes, I would quite like to zip off around the world again.

I have contemporaries who went down the "Lets find a partner" route who now also have children but are divorced. They have a better standard of living (as ex-H contributes) but I am way less bitter!

sorry - I'll shut up now!

Hi, I have tried internet dating, I don't think it's for me :) I really am not lonely (and I do have a dog) and I retract that statement but I don't think anyone will believe me so I'll leave it now :) thanks for your advice :)

I beleive you, walking! I think you calrified the lonely bit (personally) and on teh upside I have made new freinds which I hope will remain so as our childrne get older. If you have ny specific questions you are welcome to pm me. Might be worth you trying to find a meeting of single mothers by choice if there are any locally.

Thanks, Kewcumber :)

I do have a strong desire to carry and have my own child. I admire people who adopt greatly but don't think it would be for me. I also don't think I'd be accepted by an adoption agency due to having no support network to speak of. I realise that this would be an issue with having a child but it's an issue in day to day life as well to be honest and I've coped thus far!

At the moment I am young enough that it isn't pressing but within the next five years it certainly will be so I would be looking into sperm donation as a possibility then :)

Bear in mind that sometimes having a support network doesn't always come through for you. I had lots of family who said they'd support me with babysitting etc but they never do in reality. In the end its always you who's ultimately responsible. I maybe get one night out every six months. Which you could hire a babysitter to do.

My son is a Match.com baby. Single parent though.

I'm about to be a match.com wife (getting married on 20th of this month!)

kewcumber - thanks for the correction on anonymity.

walkingonthebeach - having a baby as a single parent via IUI or IVF is quite demanding, stressful and intrusive - and i say that not to discourage you, but to help you realise that the process itself can be quite an ordeal.

Have you looked into any of the practicalities? Perhaps that might help you decide. Have a conversation with your GP and/or start doing some research on fertility clinics (private and NHS). Educate yourself about the process.

Perhaps information found here might be useful:

www.donor-conception-network.org/

And I completely understand wanting to create your own family, if the family you were born into is non-existent, or insufficient.

Rockinsock - congratulations!

OP, please think carefully on your decision. I'm a LP, have a good relationship with XP so not bitter, however, it is incredibly hard. Take all the practicalities out of the equation, they can be addressed mostly, it's the emotional and moral support that is so hard to deal with.

When your children are small, it is much easier. Believe me the older they are the harder it gets. I would not be a LP through choice.

I wish you luck whatever you choose.

BTW, bet your bottom dollar you'll meet someone once you've made your decision :)

In a strange way, I think it can be easier psychologically if you are a lone parent by choice, than if you are a lone parent due to death, abandonment, separation or divorce.

If you choose to go it alone (while difficult and challenging to have only yourself to rely on), you are getting exactly what you 'signed up for', rather than having to find a way to cope with a situation that has been forced upon you.

It has been hard to be a single parent by choice, but i have found it strangely empowering. Far better to be in control of my own destiny than have someone who failed me and my child.

EB You have a point..

I think being a single parent is fine if you have thought about all the pros and cons. People will tell you that having a child changes your life but no one can prepare you for how great that change is.

The biggest change for me was the complete loss of spontaneity. You can't suddenly decide to go out for the evening or go for a drink after work or jet off to New York for a weekend shopping etc. Everything has to be planned to the nth degree. I really miss the life I had before ds although I wouldn't change the fact that I have him in my life.

Evenings are pretty monotonous. I'm either working on the computer, watching tv, chatting on the phone to friends. What I'm not doing is going out for a walk, a run, to get a pint of milk, to the cinema etc etc. I can't do any of that without planning whom I can get to look after ds.

Also I'd say the baby, pre-school stage is easy. If your dc doesn't do what you ask you can physically pick them up and take them. Not something you can do when they get older and refuse to go to bed, get out of bed and so on. You don't have anyone else to share the load. Equally when they are babies you have no one else to get up in the night to care/feed for them. No lovely weekend lie ins until they are old enough to be able to go downstairs by themselves without getting into trouble.

Another point is what happens when you are ill, you still have to care for them. Or worse what happens if they are ill? Ds was born early and very poorly. I had to make decisions about his treatment completely on my own, which was horrible.

All of my points individually are easy to deal with and don't mean much. The cumulative result is far harder to deal with.

it is hard, but i think it is worth it. you need to plan very carefully though and make sure you can support a child and yourself in a style that you find acceptable. that you have back up plans for when you are ill/child is ill.

you will have to give things up, especilly with the tyrranny of school.. (though I expect you already have that!)

you can be a bit spontaneous at the weekend. naps can be taken in the day at the same time as dc to start with. ds plays in his cot and dd in her room in the holidays for a very few minutes whilst i wake up properly. ("i dunna poo" usually wakes one up very quickly)

there is no time off though, only micro breaks and no-one to share the load. I have found that I have had to lower expectations of what I can get done. can you manage to work at home late in the evenings after bed time? that will be tough.

it takes a lot of planning to make sure you have everything you need for the dc's. it is surprising how often milk and bread needs replacing..and thee is no popping out for something when they are past the baby car seat stage. more backup plans required, especially if you are ill.

i expect that weekends will require more time devoted to taking dc places as they get older... that can get monotonous. (school is bloomin monotonous as it is.)

dating will be hard when you have a small dc... so you may be less likely to meet someone..

and i hve not even begun to think about getting them through the teenage years on my own..

but they are still worrth it though i had my doubts when ds bit me on the bottom today... grrr toddlers...

I have been a LP since ds was born - his dad wasn't ready to be a father yet and has had no involvement in his life since making that decision while I was pregnant. He wanted me to have an abortion, but I wanted to be a mum for so long and thought this may be my last chance so kept my baby.

Being a completely a-lone parent is very tough. I love ds and wouldn't be without him but there are times I have desparately needed sleep, or a break and on one occassion I was so ill I couldn't get out of bed except to pee for 3 days. There was no one to help or to call on for support.

There was no one else to be there for school plays and assembly and open afternoon and sports day... So I worked part time to ensure I was there for all these things for him. I could not afford a baby sitter and life is incredibly lonely.
One of the main topics that comes up time and time again on this board is how lonely and isolating it can be as s lone parent.

I would have loved to have another child. But I couldn't/wouldn't choose to do it alone again.

You say that you think you could manage a child in your life even though you have very little support to fall bck on. You also say you are a teacher and head of department. What are you going to do for childcare when you have parents evenings, afterschool meetings etc. Most nurseries shut at 6pm - will you get there at that time every day? And what will you do when you have late evenings at school?
Most childcare providers expect you to pay even on teh weeks you don't use them so you'd have to pay to hold your space in the holidays if you had a CM or nursery place.

Can you afford a nanny? Would you still be able to manage financially if you had to cut back your hours at work? Would cutting back your hours even be an option in your line of work?
Are you ready for the financial impact on your life?

Your life will change dramatically if/when you have a baby. You may have to make difficult choices about your career, money, life...

And do you think that maybe if you really wanted it you'd do it regardless and deal with the consequences regardless and not spend all this time weighing up the pros and cons?

"But I couldn't/wouldn't choose to do it alone again" just shows its down to the individual because I would. Was very upset that it isn;t a possibility.

Yes, like Kewcumber, I would have done it again too. Tried and tried, but finally had to accept that it wasn't possible, and I was very fortunate to have my lovely dd, and needed to be focus on that and be grateful.

'And do you think that maybe if you really wanted it you'd do it regardless and deal with the consequences regardless and not spend all this time weighing up the pros and cons?'

Bit of an odd response - surely the very fact I'm giving it so much thought shows I have thought about many of the things you raise in your post and shows I am trying really hard to do the right thing by myself, my employers and any potential children I might have?

To answer some of your questions, the only time I have to stay after school are six times a year (open evenings and parents evenings.) On these occasions I would presumably have to ask a babysitting service to help if a friend or family member couldn't. I have never had to stay at school until 6pm unless it was one of these evenings and these are on the school calendar well in advance.

No, I would not go part time and yes, I could afford childcare :) It really isn't the financial aspect that worries me but I imagine I have other worries and anxieties which I imagine other parents have (will I enjoy it, what if I don't, what if my child is a little horror) but these obviously take on a different implication when it's just you.

I'm not going to be doing this tomorrow by the way but it'll be within the next 5 years ... if I decide to go ahead which I'll probably have to.

'' And do you think that maybe if you really wanted it you'd do it regardless and deal with the consequences regardless and not spend all this time weighing up the pros and cons? ''

Yes, this statement stood out to me too.

gillybean2 - with all due respect, this sounds like a comment from a person who is a single parent by circumstance, and not a single parent by choice. It also is a comment from a person who achieved a pregnancy perhaps fairly easily and in a 'normal' way (within a relationship) - not someone who has gone through months (maybe years) of consideration, planning, research, interviews, procedures, etc.

OP - If you have a baby on your own (with donor sperm), or if you adopt (which I have never done) - any potential parent is interviewed and assessed for their suitability as a parent. The clinics and agencies are required to do this as part of their responsibility to the child before they can proceed. While I've personally never heard of anyone being turned down, i'm sure it must have happened.

They want to know you've thought about this carefully - from an emotional, financial and practical standpoint - and that you are proceeding for the 'right' reasons. (And yes, it is ironic that many people can and do bring dc into the world without any planning or consideration.)

OP - you are doing the right thing to consider this carefully. As a next step, start doing some reasearch into how you would proceed - where you'd go, etc. Look into what you'd need to do for NHS help, and if you would consider a private clinic. There is alot to find out, and you can use this time to do research. Perhaps that will help you decide if you want to move forward.

Thank you so much, Earlybird.

I think my main worry is that of being potentially resented by my child for depriving them of a father. This is also the view many take - it's one thing to bring a child into the world when you're in a relationship (even if that relationship is unhappy, even violent) but another thing to actually take that step alone.

I don't know why I'm single, but it wouldn't have any bearing on how I raised my child. I can honestly say any child of mine would be loved and adored, would be very much "okay" financially (as the sole heir of not only mine but also my whole family's wills) and would have a stable upbringing in a lovely home with plenty of toys, friends etc. I would hope it would stay that way :)

I'd wager that most of us who are single parents by choice all thought we'd find the right person to have a family with. For some of us it simply never happened. And there is a sadness in that - a grieving, a death to dreams and visions of what we imagined we'd have in our lives.

Fwiw, personally I think we are in a far better place than those who have difficult family situations due to bitter divorces/separations/abandonment. You only have to spend an afternoon reading the 'Relationship' section of Mumsnet to get a taste of how many awful situations there are out there. While we don't have the help/support of a dh (or fathers for our children), we also are not dealing with deadbeat dads, abusive/unreliable men, or men who simply don't care/have vanished.