single parent by choice?

[walkingonthebeach]

Hello, I am in my 30s and single.

I do have a very secure and well paid job, my own lovely home, car and so on. I've tried to find a partner but it gets harder as I get older and I am considering getting pregnant through sperm donation. I feel I would regret it immensely if I never had children.

Does anybody have any thoughts on this or experience?

Thank you x

[GotArt]

Yes, you can think about it, but you still won't be able to answer it. If one wants children now, look at the options and go with the one that will get you what you want.

[ChristinedePizan]

That is a wonderful post solo2 and I totally know what you mean about the 'rightness' aspect. Being a parent has filled a hole in myself that I didn't know needed filling and I have a sense of contentment that I never had before.

GotArt - of course you can't say with certainty how you'll feel 10/20/30 years down the line, but I think you can think about how you will feel if you end life childless. It was a big part of my decision. I wasn't sure if I could conceive but I knew I would never forgive myself if I didn't at least try.

[GotArt]

Great post Solo but the question of 'if I were now aged 50...'. You simply cannot answer that because you are not going to be the same person then, baby or no baby. Your answer now may be 'no' but if you never had children and then reached that age and asked yourself, your answer may be yes. You must go with how you feel now. Now.

[GotArt]

I've only read the original post so don't know what else has been said, but my girlfriend was in the same boat. She just did it. If you have a good family support system behind you or can afford a part-time nanny or housekeeper, just do it.

[Solo2]

Brilliant that you are thinking this through, OP, well in advance of acting on your thoughts. I thought and planned for 6 yrs whilst also looking for Mr Right and also effectively working 2 jobs - employed and self-employed - to raise enough funds if I did decide to go for it alone and also to have a stable financial foundation.

I have twin 10 yr olds now - 16 yrs on from my initial thinking about it. Hardest thing I've ever done and also the most rewarding.

Hard bits: Virtually no 'me' time for 10 yrs + now. I do parenting/working/domestic tasks...no TV for 10 yrs, no evenings, no social life except that precipitated by friends of my DCs and their mums. No dating. First 5 yrs - no sleep...they didn't sleep through the night till they were about 5. Lost several 'friends' along the way. Made others though...Both my parents died within the first few yrs of my DCs lives and have had no family available to help in any way at all so all help is paid for. It's getting harder now rather than easier as my DCs needs become more complex and no time to spend quality time one-to-one with each.

Not hard bits: So far, no problems at all for DCs with me being solo mum by choice. They've never NOT known the full story and everyone meaningful to them has also always known. I chose an Identity release USA donor as in those days UK donors were anonymous and in the USA, you could get loads of info about the donor and he's willing to release his identity when offspring are 18 and maybe meet them. We're in touch with several other families who used the same donor. So far, neither DC is all that interested in half-sibs of donor father but if this changes in time, they can get more info. Both are adamant they'd HATE our family set-up to change. They've never known a father so never missed having one.

Good bits: It's always felt completely and utterly 'right' and 'natural' to have DCs, to me, instead of living a more 'self' orientated life, as you can before you have DCs. There are of course some exquisite moments of happiness with them and infinite feelings of love. There are also many impossibly hard moments. But the enduring feeling is one of 'rightness'...difficult to describe really. Just feels right to me that a significant purpose of life (a v personal opinion) is to pass on love and wisdom and care to the next generation, and this makes facing mortality much easier.

That might sound strange as I'd imagined the good bit would be moments of gazing into my babies' eyes in adoration. Howevere, I barely ever had time for that bit! It's the sense of 'rightness' that sustains me through all times.

Only rarely do I sense disapproval from others - more so recently, as my DCs social contacts increase and people who don't really know me, obviously 'find out on the grapevine' that I used a donor and maybe disapprove or are shocked or have strong religious beliefs against this way of becoming a parent.

I could do with more time, more money, more help - but I don't think this is related solely to solo parenting and is a feeling shared by my married friends. It does get to me sometimes that some SAHM friends could generate more income, if they worked whereas, as the sole adult in our home - there's only so much I can do to make money and also cover the domestic side of life. But I took responsibility to parent alone so I accept the consequences.

Much harder, I would think, if I'd loved and lost a partner and this had then disrupted my DCs lives.

Your profession should allow you a good set-up to make this work, as you can get school holidays off etc. I have to juggle work (fully self-empoyed since having my twins) and expensive clubs/activities to get through the 9 weeks summer hols and other hols and also take time off with the DCs too without losing out on too much income.

Keep thinking. Ask yourself, if I were now aged 50...60....70 and had never had children, would I still be satisfied with the life I've lived? I think the word 'satisfaction' or 'contentment' is more relevant than 'happiness' which can be fleeting. I'm sometimes happy, sometimes unhappy, sometimes ecstatic, sometimes in despair and frustration, as a parent - but the enduring sense of 'rightness' and deep 'contentment' with my lot, is what sustains me...

...and now, I've finished the only time for 'me' of the day, as DT2 has been stirring next door since 4.45am and clearly wants me up now! So better stop! Good luck!

[girliefriend]

I consider my dds father to be much like a sperm sonor as that is the only involvement he has had! Being a single parent is hard going much harder than I had imagined but the positives still out weigh the negatives.

One of the hardest things is other peoples attitudes to single parents and there is still sadly a lot of stigma and prejudice out there. My dd who is now 5yo also struggles a lot with not having a father and I think she does miss out on something through not having an involved father. Financially it is tough and I second that you may feel totally different when the baby arrives re returning to work.

However the positives are that I have a fabulous dd that I don't have to share with anyone!!!

I wouldn't want to put you off and only you know if you are strong enough and have enough support around you to make it work

[poppeta]

Sorry: re your point about depriving the children of a father. I felt bad about this also - and it would be great if they did have two parents - but I have made sure they have a lot of men in their life - they are close to their brother and their uncle and they have two great god-fathers. I'm always presenting them with marriages that work (!) and nice fathers, talking positively about men etc. Also I felt OK about doing it alone as my two closest friends are single parents (by chance) and have managed fine.

The issue for me was far more about the use of donor sperm. I felt the children would/could find this gap in their identity unendurable - imagine not knowing the face of your own biological father...

There is a lot of research on how donor conceived children/adults feel about their conception and the evidence points at 1) early disclosure (preferably from birth) which by far reduces anxiety or discomfort in DC children 2) general openness (ie don't tell the kids and then not tell anyone else -although that isn't really do-able: if you' are talking about it with the kids they will tell other people. And you can't ignore or contradict them without sending out a negative message). Finally, 3) the use of ID release donors - that is the offspring can find out the donor's identity when they turn 18 (though this does not mean the donor will necessarily want to be in contact with them). In the UK all donors are now willing to be known. However if you were to travel abroad to conceive e.g. in Spain (where many people go because fertility treatment is cheaper) the donors are completely anonymous and there is only limited information available about the donor, so while Spain might seem more appealling for the parent to be it may not be the best option for the children.

[poppeta]

sorry about garbled post. DCN meeting should say: one in London and other elsewhere in the country (eg Bristol and Nottingham).

[poppeta]

OH Yes. Do the fertility tests early so you know where you stand. It's not just about you deciding to have a baby and getting one - once you are over 35 success rates are not high and I know many women - including myself - who were set back by health/fertility problems which were previously undiagnosed. Better to be armed with information as the poster above said.

[poppeta]

Hello,

I am a single parent by choice of young twins. The children were conceived with a sperm donor.

Conceiving this way was my last choice - i would far prefer to have been in a relationship. However, when I reached 40 I realised that if pushed to choose between a relationship and a child - and the choice really is often this as it is rare for women my age and with young children to meet a partner - then I would rather have a child (or children in my case).

It has been absolutely the right decision. The children are magnificent and I adore them. I am content and happy in a way I never was before. I never get lonely - but then I have thrown myself into baby life (I stayed at home with them for the first two years). I also had a tremendous ammount of family support which I purposely built on - eg moving nearer my sister and my parents and aunts and uncles etc.

I preferred to do things alone before I had children - and now I am the biggest joiner ever and it helps.

I had a very satisfying job for many years and I do not feel that there was anything I missed out on by now having a very domestic life. In fact my old life missed out on domesticity so it is good now to get this counter - balance.
I would say one thing: I have been very open with the children since they were born about their conception. I have also been open with just about everyone else. I live in a liberal area so it is easier for me, but I do believe this is vital because otherwise the children could pick up on the unease and interpret this as shame about their conception. They proudly talk about their donor at nursery and so far there has been no negative response. People are interested and in general far too polite to say anything negative.

I also deliberately chose an American donor so I would find it easier to trace half -siblings (that is children conceived with the same donor but with different mothers) and thanks to the donor sibling registry have been able to connect with other children. This has been great and we intend to meet up in the future.

I have also joined groups and made friends with mothers of other donor conceived children so that the children feel that their own conception is more normalised.

I would suggest you join the donor conception network and post on the (rather inactive) singles forum to see if you can find anyone else in your area who is thinking of conceiving this way who might like to meet up. They have two big national meetings twice a year - one in London in march, elsewhere in the country in September - which is a good place to meet other women too. And, depending on where you are, regional groups. There are other groups just for single women that the DCN singe women coordinator can put you in touch with. the fertility friends board has a lot of discussion about practicalities etc. There is a good book by a single US lesbian called Knock Yourself Up which you can order from Amazon and goes into a lot of the issues in a very readable way (many anecdotes).

BTW: I have noticed (among my friends) there is definitely a difference between becoming a single mother by choice and becoming one by accident (particularly through divorce or broken relationship). I find that single women by choice have very high satisfaction levels indeed, because they have had to work quite hard to get pregnant in the first place. Also the lack of bitterness and anger at a rubbish partner or a failed romantic dream helps (though I still feel sadness that I did not find a partner, I know that it is far less than the agony I would have felt at remaining childless).

I hope this is of some help, and please feel free to ask any questions.

Good Luck

[fijamez]

walking

I am single mum by choice now 41 with 16 month old. I started the process at 37 so its not necessarily just a case of making a decision. There are lots of ups and downs but im pretty sure all mums have those.

Do some sums on the costs of fertility treatments etc and how much time you can take off and childcare vs work when you go back (im back 3 days a week but money is tight eventhough on paper it looks plenty - fixed outgoings childcare etc)

If i were you I would also look into getting some of the early tests done eg hormone levels and AMH and talk to a clinic to see what it says about your fertility levels as this may give you some idea of timescales to make a decision (no tests are perfect but I wish I had had this info in my early 30s.

Whatever you decide - all the best

[gettingeasier]

I was thinking the same happybubble I find being a single parent far more of a joy than the latter years of parenting in my marriage

As to deliberately going it alone OP if you want DC then I would say go for it however hard it may turn out to be few people dont adore their DC whatever the price and you are far more likely to regret not having them if you feel strongly about this

[oldraver]

Yeato Happybubble....You always seem to hear a constant choruse of being a single parent is sooo hard all the time dont you.

I found when DS was a baby being on my own and not having anyone else to think of easier. He was a quite a poorly baby in his first year and never slept much, so I could spend all my time concentrating on him alone. It didnt matter if we stayed in bed till midday or when I ate/went to bed. I had no one else to consider at all.

[happybubblebrain]

I'm a single parent - not through choice but I don't agree that being a single parent is that hard, most of the time it's fun, and I don't have any support. I think having a partner to keep happy in addition to children can often be harder. There are many advantages to being a single parent.

I also think that being a single parent is so much more lovely than just being a single person. I certainly work harder than I ever did, but the rewards are worth all the effort.

If I were you I would just spend a long time thinking about it, what it would really be like, and consider all possible scenarios and situations.

[oldraver]

Yes I am a single parent through choice ie that as a single (and widowed for many years) I chose to have another child on my own, as I wasnt looking for another relationship.

I was nearly 41 when DS was born, he is now 5 1/2 and an absolute joy. I didnt really have any 'support' as I live miles away from family, I did have another older son and my brother living with me until last year and it was handy having them around but essentially all DS's care was down to me.

I dont feel being a single parent has been hard as such, yes my life totally changed from what it had been for the previous few years but I was expecting that. I have never felt lonely but I am alone at the weekends, funnily enough my closest married friend that so wanted to spend time with me in the, week (especially as I was much more mobile, as she was carless) didnt want to meet up at the weekend. I suppose a lot depends on your friend network as to how much socialising you do. I'm content at the moment to concentrate on spending time with my young son and also know from experience that life does change as you go along. IYSWIM.

There has been a little change of events I never invisiaged in that DS 's (known) donor/father has in the last year started to take an interest in his life and is now building a relationship with him. This is something that obviously was never planned but is a bonus for DS

[BornSicky]

walking

I have a baby and have been alone all through pregnancy and now. There will never be any support or involvement from my DS' father.

I thought I would charge straight back to work full time
I thought I could manage on my own

I am only going back to work because I need the money and I loathe the thought of leaving my DS with anyone - I want to be at home with him full time until he goes to school, but it's just not possible.

I was a big time career woman and loved my job and now I'm dreading working again and I resent the fact that I have to.

It is extremely hard on my own. I don't have family and live in a very isolated spot, so not easy to see friends either. I cannot begin to describe how tricky it is.

At the same time, I can't explain how extraordinary it is to have my DS and how I adore him completely and utterly. I wonder why I didn't have children earlier.

I don't know what you should do, except that prepare for everything you know to change or to be questioned if you have a baby.

[happygolucky0]

Hello op

Just been reading your thread. I think I am a single parent by choise, well I didnt plan the pregnancy but when I found out I was pregnant I was single! If that makes sense. I admit it gets quite tough sometimes (my ds is coming up 14) It has been hard at differant times eg when they are babies and you are so tired and you have a baby crying at 4am night after night and no one to help.. Now I am dealing with a teenager and that is a whole differant game again!!!
I think what everyone is trying to say is yes it is hard at times very hard but they wouldn't be without their kids for anything now.

I think what you want to do sounds ok ... if you are a teacher than you must know a thing or two about children already. From personal experience I think it would be better not to have a dad at all than one who rejects the child, for the child to cope with.
I have grown up never seeing or knowing my real Dad and have been very curious about him over the years. It would of been better I think from my view to of been from how you want to do things.
Good luck with whatever you do.

[ChristinedePizan]

I'm a single parent by choice and agree with everything earlybird and kew have said. I often find I have much more in common with other parents in relationships than many single mothers because I am not resentful, I am not bitter, I'm not chasing after some useless feck to turn up or pay up or any of the hundred other things that seem to crop up if your relationship breaks down and you're a single parent through circumstance.

I don't get lonely but I do have a very close and supportive family, all of whom dote on my DS. That really helps and it would be very hard without them I suspect. I rarely go out - been out twice in the last six months - but I don't resent it because I chose this. I also lived a very, very full life before I became a mother so there aren't a lot of things I spend my time wishing I had done.

[Earlybird]

And on a different note, another word of advice - you said in an earlier post:

'' I would probably give the vague impression that my pregnancy was the result of a short lived and failed relationship! ''

Personally, I wouldn't (and haven't) taken that approach. I've chosen who to tell, and with one exception (childless couple who dropped me as a friend), all have been understanding and exeptionally supportive (some even think I'm 'brave').

For those you choose not to tell - they may well assume you had a failed relationship (and let them). You don't owe anyone an explanation, and you don't need to lie. You have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of, and you want your child to feel the same way. The operative phrase is 'private, but not secret'. It will feel awkward at first, but you'll get used to deflecting the curiosity of nosy people.

As you research, you will find the current advice is that it is much better psychologically for the child to know early (in appropriate terms) how they came to be in the world, and you then adjust the conversation as the child gets older.

[suburbophobe]

Haven't read the answers, but would say, just go for it, if you feel you can put your life on the back burner while bringing up a child.

It is the most amazing and the most difficult job to bring up a child as a single parent. You don't get no help - that's 20 years

[Earlybird]

I'd wager that most of us who are single parents by choice all thought we'd find the right person to have a family with. For some of us it simply never happened. And there is a sadness in that - a grieving, a death to dreams and visions of what we imagined we'd have in our lives.

Fwiw, personally I think we are in a far better place than those who have difficult family situations due to bitter divorces/separations/abandonment. You only have to spend an afternoon reading the 'Relationship' section of Mumsnet to get a taste of how many awful situations there are out there. While we don't have the help/support of a dh (or fathers for our children), we also are not dealing with deadbeat dads, abusive/unreliable men, or men who simply don't care/have vanished.

[walkingonthebeach]

Thank you so much, Earlybird.

I think my main worry is that of being potentially resented by my child for depriving them of a father. This is also the view many take - it's one thing to bring a child into the world when you're in a relationship (even if that relationship is unhappy, even violent) but another thing to actually take that step alone.

I don't know why I'm single, but it wouldn't have any bearing on how I raised my child. I can honestly say any child of mine would be loved and adored, would be very much "okay" financially (as the sole heir of not only mine but also my whole family's wills) and would have a stable upbringing in a lovely home with plenty of toys, friends etc. I would hope it would stay that way :)

[Earlybird]

'' And do you think that maybe if you really wanted it you'd do it regardless and deal with the consequences regardless and not spend all this time weighing up the pros and cons? ''

Yes, this statement stood out to me too.

gillybean2 - with all due respect, this sounds like a comment from a person who is a single parent by circumstance, and not a single parent by choice. It also is a comment from a person who achieved a pregnancy perhaps fairly easily and in a 'normal' way (within a relationship) - not someone who has gone through months (maybe years) of consideration, planning, research, interviews, procedures, etc.

OP - If you have a baby on your own (with donor sperm), or if you adopt (which I have never done) - any potential parent is interviewed and assessed for their suitability as a parent. The clinics and agencies are required to do this as part of their responsibility to the child before they can proceed. While I've personally never heard of anyone being turned down, i'm sure it must have happened.

They want to know you've thought about this carefully - from an emotional, financial and practical standpoint - and that you are proceeding for the 'right' reasons. (And yes, it is ironic that many people can and do bring dc into the world without any planning or consideration.)

OP - you are doing the right thing to consider this carefully. As a next step, start doing some reasearch into how you would proceed - where you'd go, etc. Look into what you'd need to do for NHS help, and if you would consider a private clinic. There is alot to find out, and you can use this time to do research. Perhaps that will help you decide if you want to move forward.

[walkingonthebeach]

'And do you think that maybe if you really wanted it you'd do it regardless and deal with the consequences regardless and not spend all this time weighing up the pros and cons?'

Bit of an odd response - surely the very fact I'm giving it so much thought shows I have thought about many of the things you raise in your post and shows I am trying really hard to do the right thing by myself, my employers and any potential children I might have?

To answer some of your questions, the only time I have to stay after school are six times a year (open evenings and parents evenings.) On these occasions I would presumably have to ask a babysitting service to help if a friend or family member couldn't. I have never had to stay at school until 6pm unless it was one of these evenings and these are on the school calendar well in advance.

No, I would not go part time and yes, I could afford childcare :) It really isn't the financial aspect that worries me but I imagine I have other worries and anxieties which I imagine other parents have (will I enjoy it, what if I don't, what if my child is a little horror) but these obviously take on a different implication when it's just you.

I'm not going to be doing this tomorrow by the way but it'll be within the next 5 years ... if I decide to go ahead which I'll probably have to.

[Earlybird]

Yes, like Kewcumber, I would have done it again too. Tried and tried, but finally had to accept that it wasn't possible, and I was very fortunate to have my lovely dd, and needed to be focus on that and be grateful.