HE LEFT US! So why is he making me out to be the bad one??

[loulounz]

He's not content with making my life a misery by stopping paying bills, being very nasty to me via texts and phone calls and just making my life HELL etc! (I feel I'm close to having a breakdown through all the stress!)

Through all his nastiness I have not stopped him seeing his dd's although I have kept it to a minimum. He was NEVER a hands on dad and when he has them now he always has his family with him for his access times - never sees them alone! I have just UPPED his access time because of his incessant moaning that he doesn't get enough time to do whatever with them! And now he's on my back wanting even more - he just WONT LEAVE ME ALONE! If I don't stand firm in what I believe is the right way forward for the dd's and keep giving him more access, then he will end up having full parental responsibility and I will end up with access! OVER MY DEAD BODY! He says I'm the one that is denying the girls access to him and that this will affect them!! I'm sorry but he doesn't have the sleepless nights getting up to them several times a night, nightmares, wetting/bedwetting,(list is endless) following his visits - me having to sort out the aftermath! I'm trying to do this the best way I know how (in the best interests of the children??) - whether I'm doing this right or wrong but he just thinks I'm trying to "get revenge" - I really don't give a f'ck about him but he just doesn't get it! I really wish he would understand that this is NOT ABOUT HIM and just get over himself!

Anyway any ideas how I can STOP him from pestering me and making my life such a misery? I have reached the stage where I accept the fact he left us - but why doesn't he just leave us be to make a new life for ourselves? It feels like I left him and he wants to destroy me!

I swear I'm heading for driving off a cliff the way he makes me feel!! Helppppppppppppppppppppppp!

God, I'm so sorry. Have you got a lawyer who knows about divorce law (if you were married) or residence?

LL - what does your lawyer say about all this?

Lou

I'm going to shout at you.

YOU ARE GOING TO GO UNDER IF YOU CARRY ON THE WAY YOU ARE GOING.GET A GRIP.STOP ALL ACCESS.DON'T SPEAK WITH HIM.ALL CORRESPONDENCE INCLUDING ACCESS ISSUES VIA YOUR SOLICITOR. HAVE NO CONTACT WITH HIM WHATSOEVER.

You will get through this.Everyone here knows what you are going through.Listen to them.Don't worry about the access issue.He is using it as a weapon to wear you down.

Be strong for your kids.But I reckon you won't listen.

Have you applied for public funding yet.Have you confronted your solicitor yet?Have you done any research?

Try to forget it all this weekend.Go out somewhere with your children.Sod the cost.Switch the phone off.Spend time with your children.Clear you head.

Why would he get full custody?
If access is a problem get the courts involved.
I think you should definately talk to a solicitor who knows about these things.

Change both house and mobile numbers so he cant contact you to harass you whenever he feels the urge,i had to do this and can i just say it is amazing the strength it gives just to know that he cant just call you up and hound you cause he feels like it,whenever you have to call him withhold the number so he doesnt get them.Stop all access till he is going to stabalise his visits to the kids,get your solicitor to put this in writing to him.Let him go for a court case to get his access sorted out see how long it takes him to run the opposite direction !!!This is my abreviated story of what i had to do with mines needless to say the last he was near us was june this year-the effect it has had on the kids not seeing him ZILCH!! they are better now than they have ever ever been please take a stand against him in the best interests of your and the kids,you have parental rights and custody ,start calling the shots,the kids live with you ,you know them best do it for them.
And for what its worth your describing my own situation i went through woth ex,feel free to CAT me for help,support,advice someone to shout at,a shoulder to cry on-feel free but most of all take care of yourself !!

Thanks all for your support.

Someone please give me a good slapping! I really do try to be strong and manage it for so long but he has this knack of chipping away and I end up "giving in". He is so very clever and just knows the right buttons to press/words to say to get me worked up again.

I have thought about stopping access but everyone keeps telling me that its "NOT IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILDREN!", plus surely this would go against me in Court?! I am trying to be reasonable with him by giving him access, but keeping it to a bare minimum for the sake of the dd's. They're happy to go off with him but seem to suffer when they come back with all the things I've already listed. My eldest dd hasn't slept through the night since he left, which makes me exhausted.

He's already had a letter from my Solicitor to say what his access is and I did extend this a little to keep him from moaning/to hopefully show him that I'm not trying to stop him from seeing them etc. but he wont be happy and leave us alone until he gets EXACTLY what HE wants!

Thought about changing numbers - but what happens when he has dd's and needs to get hold of me for whatever reason? Couldn't bear the thought of anything happening and he couldn't contact me!

MummyP - solicitor has already sent him letter about getting injunction out on him - he's NOT allowed to contact me for anything other than about contact with dd's, (but has not taken much notice of this) - but trys to keep "safe" by now hassling me about contact! As for the 3rd Party - have no-one here to do that for me, that's why I'm desperately waiting for the house to sell so I can move closer to family. I know I should stay put but I can't because I'm going mad here with no friends or family for miles and the fact I can't afford to run the place myself!

Devilyouknow - explained about public funding - can't get it because of the money I have for rent.
Solicitor's away at the minute, so can't speak to her! No haven't done any research yet (haven't had the time - for reasons I don't want to say here just yet, just in case of prying eyes!) I suppose I should do a bit each time I come on here instead of talking?! I just need other people's views to help me out though.

I just cant get it into my head why he choses to leave but wont leave us alone - why does he have to be SO NASTY? I have done nothing to him but he acts like I have! I feel like the guilty one - what did I do that was so wrong he wanted to leave me and the children? Will my dd's blame me? I doubt if he will show them the nasty side of him - so it comes down to what did MUM do that made dad leave, doesn't it??????

I'm sorry got to go to bed - my head's spinning again!

Ok, how about this for a good slapping?

You say your children have nightmares and bed-wet after seeing him? This is the start of the damage. He is damaging your children and you are letting him. This not about him, you are quite right, but it is not about you either! For how much longer will you let him damage your children? How far will you let him go? What do you tell your children when they ask you why you didn't do something to stop the destruction?

You get a GP to refer your kids to a psychologist, then you apply for a restraining order on the grounds of harrassment - which means that he cannot visit or phone you without prior arrangement.

If you are not strong enough to do this for yourself then do it for your children. Because if you don't, then it will be too late and it will be your children, not you, living with the consequences.

Believe me I want to stop all this - but MAJORITY say the dd's MUST see their father?? So what do I do! The Courts would rule against me if I stopped access altogether,I'm quite sure!

He's taken them today - gone for a happy family gathering at his parents (as usual) - I feel so left out and LONELY. It makes me so cross - they WERE NOT bothered when we were together and now they are all playing HAPPY FAMILIES and loving it because I'm no longer in the picture - is that really fair???? I know there's lots in the same position as me and some worse off than me but I just can't help feeling sorry for myself.

I HATE my girls being away from me - I'm sorry if that's not normal! Yes, they 'p' me off a lot but I hate it when they are not around.

I'm really trying to keep myself busy - I have a lot of packing/clearing out in readiness for my move but I'm just sat here in tears as usual because he's taken them. I so wish I could be more like some people on here who are happy for their kids to go off to give them a break and happy that they "share" them! But it just kills me! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME????? [ANGRY]

Perhaps you could start keeping a diary of everything, listing when he calls you, how long for, what he says, what names he calls you, etc. Then keep a note of any after-effects on your children when they come back from a visit.

Once you have all this evidence, you can speak to your solicitor about stopping contact if you feel it is in your children's best interests and your diary can be used in court to show why you stopped it.

Who cares what the majority say.All you have to say is that he is causing your children distress,so for the time being you are stopping contact,and he will have to apply to the Court for access.

I bet he leaves the children with his parents to entertain them.

You are not doing yourself any favours here.I have offered my advice and cannot do anymore,as have other people on here.It is distressing me reading your predictament,but you don't appear to want to help yourself.Posting on this website might help you get things off your chest,which is great,but you should now be using your time this weekend to do homework on your circumstances rather than packing and clearing out stuff.Forget that!

People are saying the girls must see there dad and a court would go against you for stopping the access,has your solicitor said this or just everyone else? The opposite is actually true according to my solicitor who told me to stop access because of the damage it was doing to my three kids to force him to open a court case against me for contact and visitation,which i did and of course as predicted he ran away!! because he knew what he was doing was wrong in the best interest of the kids and no court would let him away with it.Regards the phone calls do exactly what mummypumpkin says and report them to the police,it is classed as harrassment and they will document it,which all goes in your favour if he takes you to court,i done the same and was shocked to hear that what he was doing was classed as a form od domestic abuse my eldest son was already under a child physcologist so all the kids problmes were taken into account and documented in reports,again another notch on my side if he evet takes me to court but as i say i know he never will because he now knows i have all this eveidence against his treatment of the kids and he would get minimal contact if any.
Do you have a contact centre near you which he can use for visits with the kids? then you dont need to be aroudn to drop off or him drop off the kids for visits,also he then wouldnt need a contact number for you as the centre would have it and could contact you if there were ever any need?Trust me things will get better and the kids will not hate you as they are really truelly so much more aware of thing than we give them credit for xx

I agree with othe posters
STOP all access now.
Who gives a shit what people say this is about your dd's.
Their welfare is paramount in all this.

If you are not happy stopping access get a different house phone number and only answer your mobile to him when he has the dd's in case of emergency. The rest of the time leave it to ring or use answermachine.
You need to start getting on with your life.
Hard it is I know, but you must for your own sanity.

Ok, this is what you do. You ask your GP to refer your children to a child psychologist. They are bed-wetting, having nightmares and showing signs of distress after visiting their father. You also stop access. Perhaps allowing supervised visits for your dd's sakes. Tell your ex that this is the way it will be until you get the psychologists report. The report can be used in court and it will not look good for him. Tbh, if you do this I doubt he will take it to court as he'll be too scared of the outcome.