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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

How old should DD be before I take her on holiday ?

31 replies

GentlemanGin · 02/08/2011 09:48

DD is 2.8 years old, myself and XP agreed that at the moment she's too young to go away with me for a week or two, debatable but let's leave it at that.

How old do people think she should be before I take her away somewhere, likely to be 7 - 10 days in Europe with me, her Gran and Grandad.

DD stays with me alternate w/e, anywhere between 2 and 4 nights , we have a very good relationship and I'm a gentle, responsible, loving Dad.

What say ye ? I'm thinking next summer.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

ladydeedy · 02/08/2011 10:35

I think she's old enough now. She'll be with you and grandparents - sounds perfect.

PinkM0nkey · 02/08/2011 10:55

I agree she's more than old enough.

Original poster

GentlemanGin · 02/08/2011 11:02

Thanks, kind of what I thought but good to hear some positive encouragement.

For the sake of avoiding a blow up, I'll wait till next year.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 02/08/2011 11:10

I think considering she's spent 4 nights at your house on a semi-regular occasion should mean she'd be fine. I think as the mum I'd be having a little (big!) wobble, but OTOH I'd love it if my ex was as involved and responsible.

I think next year should be okay, especially if you bring it up quite early so that your ex has time to get used to the idea.

niceguy2 · 02/08/2011 11:35

I don't see why there needs to be an "age". But in the interests of an easy life, why not suggest a long weekend/week away in the UK this year and drop a hint that if all goes well, you "may" look into a holiday away next year......

mollymole · 02/08/2011 11:39

there is 'no age' you will know what is right and personally would not sy why not go for a 'weekend break' somewhere in the Uk this year and then go for it next year

BertieBotts · 02/08/2011 11:42

Long weekend is a good idea, especially as she's used to coming to you for a weekend. It makes it not such a big step.

I agree BTW that there's no specific age - it's about whether the child is going to cope with being without their other parent that long. But it sounds like you and your DD have a great relationship and spend lots of time together anyway.

cestlavielife · 02/08/2011 11:59

she will be fine - same as going to yours each week/fortnight!

my son was left with grandparents in spain for several weeks when 11 months old (wasnt my choice but that is another long story) - he survived.
and no hehadnt forgotten me when he came back

but as was suggested, play along and keep mum calm by planning some long weekends in uk first

Original poster

GentlemanGin · 02/08/2011 12:00

Well what we discussed was that for the moment I'll take DD on shorter trips / long weekends. i.e. shorter but more frequent.

The split of the holidays was an unresolved bone of contention. But that is a whole other issue.

OP posts:

WibblyBibble · 02/08/2011 12:31

I don't agree with everyone saying she's already old enough, especially if it's for more than a week. I think over 3 for staying long periods away from main carer, and that still needs to be built up to gradually! There are a lot of factors though e.g. had you lived with her until recently, and how she copes with weekends at yours- my ex never really lived with my daughter so it's more of a build up process with him and she still gets very distressed staying more than one night (she's 20 months). I don't think putting children through upset just to get your 'rights' is fair on them tbh (and my ex doesn't want to have to deal with an upset toddler, so is sticking to one night atm).

Original poster

GentlemanGin · 02/08/2011 12:35

I'm not trying to exercise my 'rights' Wibble, I understandably want to spend quality time with my DD. She is perfectly happy spending three to four nights with me. But I do take your point on board, thanks.

OP posts:

whiteandnerdy · 02/08/2011 12:57

I took my youngest DS away on holiday at about 1 years old, just a week in St. Ives, clearly DS didn't get much out of it but his brothers being 8 and 2 years at the time had a good time.

How about spinning this argument on it's head and saying if your own children by the age of 12 months have not been allowed to form a bond which allows them to spend a week with you then something's amiss. It's these in the formative years with both parents which will give them the emotional security for later in their life.

I can understand the comment about not being the 'main carrier' but your having regular contact, only you, your ex, and your DC knows what emotional bond has formed between you and DC, but for me it would be heart breaking if such a bond had not been allowed to form and hence having to wait for the child to develop the emotional tools to deal with the distress of being with one parent who isn't the 'main carrier'.

OneHundredPercentFucked · 02/08/2011 14:23

Wait until next year for an easy life. But say something along the lines of 'oh, I've booked that holiday for DD and I for X dates. Thought it better get give you a fair bit of notice'

And leave it at that.

Original poster

GentlemanGin · 02/08/2011 14:26

Yep, that's what I was thinking OneHundred. Probably bring it up towards the end of the year.

OP posts:

OneHundredPercentFucked · 02/08/2011 14:27

And, fwiw, I'd be jumping at the chance of Exp taking the dc's on holiday!

Vibrant · 02/08/2011 15:59

I wouldn't go booking something and then telling her where and what dates you're going, it's inflammatory - I'd be saying when I'd like to go and where and give her the opportunity to agree. If you're getting nowhere after doing that you have the option then going down the legal route.

Original poster

GentlemanGin · 02/08/2011 16:08

yeah it's ok, I would mention it before booking anything, I'm fairly diplomatic. The only issue may be about the division of the holidays, 50:50 was my suggestion before we called off hostilities but it was never agreed on as XP felt that was unfair. This issue may come back to the fore when I bring up holidays again.

OP posts:

blackeyedsusan · 02/08/2011 22:32

if you have her for up to 4 nights, try a local holiday first, uk based, maybe for a long weekend. ex may need to get used to the idea first before agreeing to a holiday abroad. maybe next year you will have to do a week in the uk before you can go abroad. I think it is the "abroad" thing that sounds scary.

of course it all depends on the paarent/grandparent combination but if you are having her for 4 nights anyway, it should not be a problem for dd.

readywithwellies · 02/08/2011 22:50

Db's dcs arent allowed abroad with db. Dcs have to be 13 apparently. Similar situation access wise to you. But it's ok for Db's ex to take dcs wherever she likes.
Has your ex taken the dc abroad yet?
She may not change her mind for a long while yet!

BertieBotts · 02/08/2011 23:14

If she's reasonable she might. I went abroad for the first time with my Dad, not my Mum, I was 12, but we had contact much less often with him.

Original poster

GentlemanGin · 03/08/2011 08:15

XP is currently in Europe with dd for two weeks, she's back for one week and then off again for 10 days. :(

It is tricky as she's a lot bit of a control freak. But on the surface at least we do manage to get on. Originally she thought dd staying over with me for more than one night would need to be worked at for 8 - 9 months ! Until the day when she suddenly out of the blue needed someone to look after dd for two nights and hey presto, all her stern concerns about dd's well-being staying with me vaporized. Poofff !

And dd was absolutely fine.

I guess it's like many broken relationships, things need to be navigated with extra care. I can't see her objecting to my taking dd out of the country, but if she did I probably wouldn't kick up a stink. If I didn't feel I was getting a fair split of the holidays however I'd probably go to court over it.

ho-hum.

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 03/08/2011 08:49

She is old enough now. She has regular contact and you have the grandparents lined up to be with you. Any suggestion otherwise is to do with the mother-not the DC.

exoticfruits · 03/08/2011 08:50

Of course it is much easier if the mother prepares her with talk of how lovely it will be.

Vibrant · 03/08/2011 09:55

Love the double standards! I think you're very wise though to tread carefully, my experience from dealing with dsd's mum was that it was better to play the long game because things did settled down in the end. She went from saying "you're never having her overnight, and never taking her on holiday anywhere" to in the end not really caring how long she was with us or when. And now I'm about to take dsd on holiday with me for 2 weeks and I'm not even with her Dad any more!

Try not to let the injustice of it get to you, just keep reminding yourself (and maybe check in on here if you're not sure) that you're not asking for something unreasonable. You sound like a lovely Dad.

exoticfruits · 03/08/2011 10:07

I always find the double standards very strange-one parent can take her abroad for 2 weeks now, the other has to make do with a few nights at home. The argument being that the DC knows one parent better-and whose fault is that?! Anyway, nothing is gained by being antagonistic-the slow long term play is better, however unfair and irksome.

I would start in the autumn for next year-with 'I would like to go on holiday next summer, which dates would suit you best? and give her a choice. Drip feed it a bit from there so that it is gradually accepted by the time you need to make a firm booking.

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