Give him what he wants for my own sanity, or fight for my entitlement for the dd's?????? Please help

[loulounz]

Cutting a long story short:

He wont sign papers to sell house unless I agree to what he is offering as a financial settlement. Not sure if this is a good or bad offer! Have a solicitor but she wont advise until all finances have been disclosed by both sides.

I need to desperately move closer to family for support. Have been advised NOT to move out until contracts exchanged but I'm going mad! Sure he will move back in if I move out and then I will have an expensive court fight on my hands to get him out!

Don't want to lose what little I will get from fighting through courts just because we can't reach agreement but don't want to be blackmailed into just agreeing to what he wants to offer either!

Anyone been through this process not having reached agreement?? Did it take long and was it costly??

So scared I end up with nothing for me and the dd's if I carry on fighting with solicitors, but I don't want to be bullied either! I'm sure solicitors just want to win their cases at all costs - they probably don't care if I end up with very little?? Am I wrong?

Really can't take much more of this. Cannot see an end in sight and I desperately need this to be all over to start a new life. Please help me decide.

"He wont sign papers to sell house unless I agree to what he is offering as a financial settlement. Not sure if this is a good or bad offer! Have a solicitor but she wont advise until all finances have been disclosed by both sides."

You must be strong.STAY PUT AND DON'T BUDGE AN INCH.DO NOT MOVE OUT.
It will have to go to Court,if both sides cannot reach an agreement.I presume you are on public funding and know about the Statutory charge? If you have been reasonable,then the costs should be awarded against him.

He is trying to wear you down.Don't let him.He hasn't disclosed his Form E?

I can't get legal aid - apparently I get too much money???!! When I applied he was paying me a bit more than what he is now though?! I am quickly running out of money to pay any solicitors fees - can probably stretch to another couple of months and then that's me going downhill! Can't get benefits because I have money in bank to pay for 6 months rent when I eventually move to get me settled until I find work etc! HELP!!

NO - he hasn't disclosed his form E yet - another couple of weeks for them to be exchanged! I think this is why he is pushing for a settlement quickly?! He doesn't have large sums of money, but I am certain he has disposed/hidden a little! He may have had inheritance as well?

I just don't know how I can follow through with fighting him - I just don't have the money to do it!

I can't see that I have been "unreasonable" in any way apart from giving him minimum contact with the dd's (as they are really having a hard time with this) and I didn't let him see them for ONE visit while I was away trying to sort things out. Can't see how they can make him pay costs though because he has got himself into a lot of debt?!

Can anyone just make me disappear - really had enough!

I would apply again for public funding.It does not take that long to process.

How can you not be eligible if you are not working?.Is he wholly supporting you?

As for the money in the bank,withdraw most of it and put it your mother's account or something.Explain you had to used it to pay off debts and amend your Form E.

As for the costs,it doesn't matter whether he is in debt or not.

Have you tried posting on any UK divorce sites or done some research on the net?

You must stay strong.You will get through this.You must not give up.

Only contact your solicitor when absolutely necessary to avoid building up more costs.Try to find out answers in the meantime via the net.

It appears from what little info I know about your case,things will start to move once the Form Es' have been exchanged.Hang on in there.

Can i just add a little bit in here,my friend is trying to begin this long process of leaving her husband and had her first solicitor appointment on friday,she was told there that she can have no part of their house or any of most of H money as it came to him as inheritance.Apparently inheritance is not counted and it stays with him.
We are in scotland so dont know if maybe english law is different but she is not going to be able to get anything regards the house or any money that came to H by inheritance,and she cant make him sell the houase either to get a part of the money.

Think I may have just made a big mistake! Had conversation with the idiot - feeling VERY sorry for himself! Was initially very strong saying I wanted just lump sum to cover all my entitlement and would forego his pension etc. He wouldn't agree saying he needs somewhere to live, pay off his debt etc! Told him no at first - that the dd's come before him.

Then he turned and said he would have to take me to court and be nasty and drag up everything he can think of - i.e. me accepting offer on house without consulting him etc. (Thought I could accept the offer and then tell him??) and that we would both end up with nothing.

I am so sick and tired of this that I told him to get his solicitor to write to me officially with his offer and I would accept. I just want rid of him (although obviously cant altogether because of dd's!) - I really don't know if I've done the right thing though?

He wants a sum of money to pay off his debts and buy a house! I have to live in rented - even with the rest of the equity and a job, I doubt if I could get a mortgage? So my share will be whittled away on renting! I will eventually end up with nothing while he sits pretty in an f'ing house!

Out of 2k+ a month salary he will give me 550pm child maintenance (100 more than csa) - is this a realistic sum of money?

I don't know whether I could expect more from a court hearing or whether I should just get him out of my life. If I was awarded more then surely I'm going to lose a large sum of money taking it that far - so is it worth the fight? I really don't think he could afford to pay my costs, so I don't think a judge would make him??

I feel as though I've let my dd's down for saying I'll agree but I really can't stand this.

As for his form E - he says he doesn't have to fill one in?? - that he has already disclosed everything??!! Don't know whether he's pulling a fast one and pushing for finality just because he is hiding something?

This whole divorce thing is ruining my life - I will never marry ever again!

Loobie - sorry to hear about your friend - no help there as I don't know much about the laws on inheritance - I did think that if my dh inherited whilst married to them I could claim a share under english laws (but don't quote me on that!) - not so sure if it was inherited before the relationship etc.?? Hopefully someone else will come along with some advice - or maybe start a new thread?

I'm not a lawyer but just cos you told him you would accept his offer doesn't mean you have to when you see it.

If it was me I wouldn't agree to anything without my solicitor OKing it.

go back to your solicitor
do not agree to something - I know its hard but he is just p,laying you

my H is doing similar but I will NOT be browbeaten into accepting less than my children & I deserve

be strong

Message withdrawn

GGG is right
people advised me to try 1 solicitor & if didnt gell, try another
fortunately my solicitor is absolutely brilliant and I would tryst her with my life

you must do whats best for you and sod your H

[quote]Think I may have just made a big mistake! Had conversation with the idiot - feeling VERY sorry for himself! Was initially very strong saying I wanted just lump sum to cover all my entitlement and would forego his pension etc. He wouldn't agree saying he needs somewhere to live, pay off his debt etc! Told him no at first - that the dd's come before him.[/quote]

You really shouldn't be discussing anything with him.It's all emotional blackmail.Don't fall for it.

[quote]Then he turned and said he would have to take me to court and be nasty and drag up everything he can think of - i.e. me accepting offer on house without consulting him etc. (Thought I could accept the offer and then tell him??) and that we would both end up with nothing.[/quote]

Don't worry about him trying to blacken your character.But I'm concerned you accepted offer on house.You should have informed your solicitor about this and then they should have written to his solicitor giving details of the offer.There is no equity in the house?

[quote]I am so sick and tired of this that I told him to get his solicitor to write to me officially with his offer and I would accept. I just want rid of him (although obviously cant altogether because of dd's!) - I really don't know if I've done the right thing though?[/quote]

Deny you agreed to his offer.

[quote]He wants a sum of money to pay off his debts and buy a house! I have to live in rented - even with the rest of the equity and a job, I doubt if I could get a mortgage? So my share will be whittled away on renting! I will eventually end up with nothing while he sits pretty in an f'ing house![/quote]

And what about you and your kids?You need a roof over your head.

[quote]Out of 2k+ a month salary he will give me 550pm child maintenance (100 more than csa) - is this a realistic sum of money?[/quote]

I bet he will pay that! Get real.You might receive that for a couple of months and then it will dwindle to nothing.Besides,maintenance is nothing to do with the Courts.It's our old friends,the CSA that deal with that.

[quote]I don't know whether I could expect more from a court hearing or whether I should just get him out of my life. If I was awarded more then surely I'm going to lose a large sum of money taking it that far - so is it worth the fight? I really don't think he could afford to pay my costs, so I don't think a judge would make him??[/quote]

Go to Court and call his bluff.Don't speak with him any further.All correspondence via solicitor.As for his Form E,he is talking bollocks.

[quote]I feel as though I've let my dd's down for saying I'll agree but I really can't stand this.[/quote]

You are going to have to stand it for their sakes.

Sorry to be hard,but it's the only way.Stand up for yourself.Think about you and,more importantly, your children's future.Things may appear impossible at the moment,but you will get through it.

Have no further discussions with him.All correspondence through your solicitor.

Whether you will take this advice remains to be seen.

Person from Scotland.Law is different to England.You need to do some research.

Thanks all - I know I should be standing up for myself and the dd's, but I'm seriously running out of money - haven't paid all my bills this month and reminders are now coming in! They are in his name still - don't know where I stand on that one?

If I stand up and fight - how will I keep paying my solicitor and how much will I end up paying for court? I can't afford to lose most of my equity to pay court/sol fees! There's not that much equity in the house!

My head is just spinning. Aaaaarrrggghh!

I just can't get my head round your circumstances on what little I know.You claim you are not eligible for public funding and then say you haven't enough money to pay the bills.I have already asked you about your income and you haven't answered the question.

[quote]Thanks all - I know I should be standing up for myself and the dd's, but I'm seriously running out of money - haven't paid all my bills this month and reminders are now coming in! They are in his name still - don't know where I stand on that one?[/quote]

They should be chasing him then.Phone the companies up and ask them!Speak with a manager,and if they refuse to put you through to one,stick to your guns and demand that you do.You can also negotiate agreements with the utility companies.This is better than sticking your head in the sand.

[quote]If I stand up and fight - how will I keep paying my solicitor and how much will I end up paying for court? I can't afford to lose most of my equity to pay court/sol fees! There's not that much equity in the house![/quote]

No one on this Forum can answer that.

You really need to start finding things out for yourself.I had to.

These websites might be a good place to start:

www.fool.co.uk/

www.moneysavingexpert.com/

www.divorce-online.co.uk/

www.adviceguide.org.uk/index/family_parent/family/ending_a_relationship.htm

www.ondivorce.co.uk/

Good Luck!

Message withdrawn

Hi ggglimpopo

I have only joined Mumnets Forum to help on CSA issues,so know very little about Lou's circumstances.

I changed sols 3 times the first time I divorced and all 3 were rubbish.

The solicitor I employed for my second divorce (I'm never getting married again btw and,although it's hard bringing up kids on your own,it's better,in my opinion,to be on your own than have another failed relationship aswell as being confusing for the kids introducing different men into their lives...loneliness on my part is the price I now pay)was marginally better.

I managed to keep the divorce out of Court,but had all the same abuse Lou is now going through.For instance, I endured abusive phone calls, threatening letters,character assassination,getting social services onto me, and he didn't pay anything.In fact he managed to claw the last mortgage payment back somehow,so I had to pay 2 months worth at first.

Solicitors are much of a muchness and only in it to line their pockets and drag it out as long as possible.

What is so bad with Lou's solicitor? Plus the fact it would make things more complicated for her in the long run.

Lou- You may find he gives in just before the Hearing.You just don't know what will happen.Please do some research on those websites.

Stand up for yourself.Phone your solicitor up and ask them to give you an outline/plan of action plus timescale of what is exactly happening.Remember you are employing them.

loulounz, have you discussed an FDR (Financial Dispute Resolution) with your solicitor. This is a fairly cost effective of getting a quick & fairish settlement.
An FDR sets a clear timetable of events & if your H starts being slow and not disclosing information then he will be in contempt of court. The court will not be remotely interested in silly nonsense about your character, they just look at the pot of money and suggest the best way of hacking it up. The court's priority is the housing of the children.
Please do not make hasty decisions. Bide your time. The financial agreement you come to will have lasting ramifications for you and your children, so don't rush. Don't be bullied either and try to minimise discussions with your H.
You will not end up with nothing & if your solicitor's costs run up, then they will have to be taken into account at the FDR and you will not be left without the means to pay them.

Lou get rid of your solicitor and represent yourself. There is loads of info free on the net about how to fill in the court forms, schedule e etc. You can represent yourself in court you don't need a solicitor. A solicitor advised me that a judge will treat a litigant in person with care and help you through the process. Buy the Which Guide to divorce it is v easy to understand.

Don't move out of the house until it is sold. Once you sell house check which bank account the sale proceeds will go into. When I sold my X and I had a joint bank account, the sale proceeds went into this account, I then transferred all the sale proceeds into my personal account - possession is nine tenths of the law. But I was lucky that X husband didn't transfer the money before I did.

It is hard being without family near by but X has to provide a home for the kids until they reach 18, you could sell this home and buy another one near your family and he cannot get his equity until you sell when kids are 18.

thanks for those tips (sorry to hijack thread)

have just ordered the Which? Guide to divorce from Amazon & paid with H's credit card

also told H's gran who rang me today exactly why he's left - he told her "we werent getting on" so I explained that having a mistress and going str to her didnt help us get on....tough
if you do things, you should be accountable

and everyone is right - you need to stand up - he is bullying you - I think this must be a common tactic as my H is doing this (to a lesser extent) but has already told me that legal aid isnt a bottomless pit - trying to scare me so I dont go back to the solicitor

Devilyouknow - I have money in the bank (via solicitor advising him to give me some) to go into rented accommodation when I leave my home! This is not a large amount by any means but just takes me out of the equation for legal aid or benefits!! Until that is "used" I cant claim anything.

He was giving me money to pay the bills, but (as they do when they get p'd off) has now stopped, leaving me short! I have canx all direct debits and intend sending him the outstanding balances (as they are all in his name) but don't want to rock the boat at the minute - I know he will get very angry when I do! I just need to try and bide my time until I move (don't want him to know when I move as I don't want him back in the house!)

Thanks for all the websites - will have a look at those when I have a few mins.

I'm not sure what a good solicitor is?? She's waiting for his financial disclosure to advise me "properly"???? I can afford to pay her for probably another two months and that's my lot - skint (zero savings)! What do I do then?

Form E's due in in a few weeks (he says he doesn't have to fill one in according to his solicitor???!!!!) and then 1st Court hearing a few weeks after that - not sure what this is really for - hoping finances sorted fully then?? I don't know how much the court hearing etc is going to cost me and I just don't want to lose any more money out of the little equity I'm entitled to - that's why I felt I should just agree - I could end up with less if it goes to court and I have more costs to pay?????? If I knew hands down I would get more out of going to Court I truly would, but I'm really scared I come away with less than he's offering me at the minute - and that wouldn't be good for me and the dd's!

Lasvegas - I just don't have the time to represent myself (for different reasons) - I wish I did, I'm sure that is very satisfying!

As for him providing us with a home - thought about that but came to the conclusion that I would have to deal with lots of harrassment if part of it was his! I couldn't stand that for the next 18 years! I want a clean break as far as I possibly can! Then he can only harrass me about access!

MrsM - I really admire your strength. Good on you for telling his family! My x (didn't?) have an affair but did lie to me about contact with an exgirlf! I've tried talking to his family, but I get the impression (like I've always had throughout the marriage) that they are glad I'm out of the picture! They never really made me feel welcome.

Thanks MummyP for your advice. Makes me feel better about not paying the bills.

One good thing is exchange of contracts might happen within next few weeks and I just can't wait, although it does sadden me to lose my secure roof over the dd's heads and have the threat of eviction out of rented! Oh well, should look on the bright side - I'll be a long way from him and he now has to make all the effort!

Maybe he'll just disappear into thin air - here's hoping!!!!

[quote]I have money in the bank (via solicitor advising him to give me some) to go into rented accommodation when I leave my home![/quote]

I can see why other peeps have said your solicitor is crap. What a stupid thing to suggest.It could have been sorted out after an agreement had been reached or through Court. I would query this with your solicitor and if the reply is not satisfactory then go to the senior partner about this.

[quote]I'm not sure what a good solicitor is?? She's waiting for his financial disclosure to advise me "properly"???? I can afford to pay her for probably another two months and that's my lot - skint (zero savings)! What do I do then?[/quote]

There should be a timit limit on how long he has to submit the Form E.Again this should have been sorted through your solicitor.

[quote]Form E's due in in a few weeks (he says he doesn't have to fill one in according to his solicitor???!!!!)[/quote]

That is rubbish.Of course he does.

[quote]1st Court hearing a few weeks after that -not sure what this is really for - hoping finances sorted fully then?? [/quote]

Don't bet on it.Have you got a definite date? Again this is something your solicitor should have explained.

[quote] I don't know how much the court hearing etc is going to cost me and I just don't want to lose any more money out of the little equity I'm entitled to - that's why I felt I should just agree - I could end up with less if it goes to court and I have more costs to pay?????? If I knew hands down I would get more out of going to Court I truly would, but I'm really scared I come away with less than he's offering me at the minute - and that wouldn't be good for me and the dd's![/quote]

Again these are all questions your solicitor should answer.

Please look at those websites.

Book an appointment with your solicitor and ask some pertinent questions.

AFAIK the court will tot up the assets, subtract the amount for 'reasonable' legal fees and divide up the rest . So you are NOT eating in to your equity specifically.

BTW I really really really do NOT think you should give up a place in the property market. if you own even 5% of a house worth £150K in 20 years that will probably be 5% of a house worth £350K. If the court direct you to sell then so be it . Otherwise I would STAY put for your and your childrens financial future. Money does NOT make you happy , but chronic shortage when your Xhusband is rich can certainly make you miserable.

It sounds harsh but I would wise up ASAP and start learning what your rights are.

I know you're right Arc but I'd rather be unhappy without a secure home than unhappy with a house and him "reminding" me that some of it belongs to him for the next 16 years!! It makes me feel sick just thinking about it!

I feel a physical/mental wreck at the minute - he just WONT leave me alone. Now he's hassling me for more access (the sols letter threatening an injunction against him for harrassment is not really working, he was told not to contact me about anything other than access but he's now p'ing me off asking for more access! I've just given him extra time (even though he doesn't deserve it, especially for all the sh't he's putting me through!) - he's still NOT happy and wants more contact and he has the cheek to say that only having minimum contact with the dd's is having an affect and not fair to them! - What does he know? In fact it's having the opposite affect but he just wont listen!

I've really had a guts full - I just can't bear the thought of him bothering me about ANYTHING for the next 16 years. I just want to end it all............