First day out with Daddy and new girlfriend, how bloody painful

[divorcedrama37]

Ok so he's a great Dad that he wants to take them on the weekend, but the first day today that my kids spent with her ( his new bird)I went to my friends and burst into tears! I didnt let him know that of course and Im totally fine that he is seeing someone else, just wasnt prepared for my kids spending the day with another woman, really got to me ! Got to get past this but bloody hard! Anyone else in same boat?

I've done it and felt the same way - a fierce anger and sadness.

However you have nothing to fear. YOU are their mother. She cannot take that away from you.

I found it very hard to hear them talk about her and inwardly shuddered but now I find smiling and listening to their day is normal.

It will come.

Please continue to show how 'ok' you are so that they can talk to you without guilt if they like her or enjoy their time (you'd want them to really). In time if you make this effort they will relax and so will you and it will be ok
It will :-)

Thanks toothbrushthief. .. i havent had a saturday to myself in 10 years! Im so lucky, my girlfriends rallied around and we spent the afternoon in a beer garden! (hic) you are right, I know its a good thing she is interested in them and that is a good sign, still hurt and I wasnt ready at all. I loved your post and will make sure they can talk about her without guilt, thanks so much for the advice xxx

Hi i so understand how you are feeling x.

I remember when me and my ex split up just over a year ago, well i found out he had cheated on me and kicked him out same day. He went straight to hers. First weekend after, he came and took kiddies out on his own, aged 3 and 6, brought them home early cause he didn't know where else to go.

He then said he was taking them to his new house, thus meeting his new partner! i was distraught, all to soon etc but wanted him to see kids as ...well i don't actually know now what i was thinking, i was still shell shocked.

However they went and had a nice time, no dramas and said 'she' was nice. It hurt a bit, actually alot, tbh, i was hoping they wouldn't like her, even though i hadn't badmouthed her at all. I did feel that the kids were safer with two of them than just him as he isn't very practical etc.

The first of everything is defo the hardest, birthdays, Christmas, New years eve etc, you feel so resentful and just remember the good times, or imagine them times were good but in actual fact they weren't in my case!

I'd say whatever you do, try to keep things friendly, if the children seem to like her and have no complaints just grin and bear it for their sakes, you don't want them feeling guilty for liking her.

It does get easier however it will always niggle you!! Take care x

Well I'm a few yrs down the line and now have the problem that Dad and new g/f are not that interested in seeing my DC so my weekends to myself are few and far between!

I now wish they'd bloody have them!!!

Make the most of that free time.
I went shopping alone ... no rushing grabbing the first item that might fit because DC are tired/whingy/have a party...
I headed off for long fast walks... 10 miles plus at a pace which might work some magic on my thighs...with no moaning DC and no cutting short the route and plodding
I had lunches with g/f in pubs YAY !!! for the pub lunch just two of you having an uninterupted conversation
I went swimming.... peacefully
I lay in bed and read all day or snoozed
I bought nice food and cooked stuff they'd never eat
I baked cakes, decorated, gardened....had my hair done

All stuff I can't do now because he won't have them

If you can get past the insecurity of how you feel you'll love this time

That is so true Toothbrushtheif lol. At first i couldn't relax the weekends ex had them, but i now enjoy the freedom, like you say, doing what you want to do, or even stuff you don't want too but is ten times easier and quicker without the kids.

I do miss them when they are not here weekends now, so when they are it's lovely to just chill out with them every other weekend. It's special the weekend they are home and we all enjoy it.

toothbrush thief

Im similar position in that exh and his p only have them for 24hours every 2 weeks.

But they make out like they are the superior parents to my dcs.

Makes me sick tbh.

You're doing well,mine has them 7 hours every other sunday. when he is actually in the country (was away 9 months last year), and the odd hour after school but only when I am in work, he makes damn sure that he doesnt do any "babysitting for me". (his exact words)

That's not good - not only for you but for your children.

When we had the dcs I naively thought it was on the understanding we had some sort of equality but soon realised that his career came first - it still does but also his new life comes over and above providing a fair committment to his dcs - he loves to 'showcase' them, boast about them and take all the glory but isn't too keen on the hard graft of taxiiing them around etc

So overall I don't consider myself that lucky although accept it's all relative.

I know I should really detach more and I really don't want to know about his new life but it's very hard when he has just swanned off on holiday (the boys will join them next week) owing me money.

I always used to joke with him that if we were on the Titanic he'd be the one jumping off onto the lifeboats ahead of us - that just about sums him up really.

OP, your emotions are entirely normal. But just remember that no child has ever come home forgetting who their real mother is.

Also, don't forget to fill the kids up with sugar give them a treat before they go!

LOL at niceguy2 last comment

I was in the fortunate position that by the time my DD was introduced to another women, I had already found a new partner and he had a DD so I knew how it was from the ?stepmum?s? (so to speak) side. And as others have said, no matter how well a child gets on with their Dad?s girlfriend or wife it is never anywhere near the relationship they have with mum.

It can hurt though, even 3 years on, when there?s another woman at the school fete, or your DD tells you that daddy had to work at the weekend so his girlfriend took her somewhere fabulous (damn childfree step mums always have more disposable income than us boring birth mums!).

The worse was when DD asked me if she should call her ?mummy? ? that was like taking a bullet. But when I asked her why she had asked, she said she thought because she was going to marry Daddy, that would make her a mummy, but that she definitely wasn?t the same as me. And then came up for a nickname for her so she could be special but not mummy.

The way I look at it, is that while I?m having time to myself (or not as is often the case as we have DSD a lot) my ex?s partner is answering cries of ?I did a poo and it?s really big, can you wipe me!? and being woken up at 6am.

Sure, they get the joy of sharing our babies with us, but if they?re anything like me they know what a huge privilege that is.

I also think that the best thing to do is let your child know that it's okay if they like the new woman. My DSD is very torn because her mum puts a lot of pressure on her to make out like she is unhappy when she is with us. It's so sad and has resulted in a very gulity and IMO emotionally crippled teenager.

They'll always come back to you.

Thanks so much for all the comments guys, they actually took them to a town show and lost my youngest for over half hour!! I was furious!!!!! However I remained calm and thanked him for taking them, maybe they wont be so keen to be playing happy families together for a while, she has a two year old of her own and guess that with my two boys was too much for them!! Still have a sick feeling in my stomach, a lot to do with all the divorce stuff going through which I know will pass. Just such a bloody hard time at the moment, I guess eeing him all loved up is not helping! And niceguy - what a great idea about the sugar!! LOL x

Only just seen this thread and god do I remember how you are feeling

Its funny isnt it whenever you might have imagined splitting up you never thought about this side of things and the pain involved

Like others said I always asked about the dcs time with their Dad and ow (introduced to them a couple of months after he left) and let them know it was fine to talk openly about it even though it really really hurt at times and actually it was the last thing I wanted to know the detail of.

For me it took longer to get past the pain and upset of this than it did the actual split up and whilst it doesnt cause pain its really only just now neutral and thats 18 months later.

But you will get there OP and I love my dc free time now

I'm reading this thread with interest, it's been very helpful to me, as I will have to face this myself in the near future-and I've no idea how I'll cope. My husband moved out in May saying he didn't love me any more after 20 years of marriage. We have a DS aged 5. A week after moving out, he met another woman through a work thing, and they have started a relationship. I wasn't expecting to get him back but I was devastated that he'd met someone so soon, and so scared of what it would mean for DS.

So far, H has acepted that I'm just not ready yet for DS to meet her. But at the same time, he is quitly pushing me to let them meet, so that the three of them can do things at the weekends, which is when H has DS to stay.

I can't stand the thought of them all going on lovely days out together,when it should nbe the three of us. I don't want DS coming home from weekends with his dad and having to listen to him chattering innocently about how 'sop-and-so' said this or 'so-and-so' did that. I'm afraid that she'll come across as more fun than me, better than me somehow. I'll just be boring sad old mum who doesn't do anything with Dad anymore.

I wish I knew when I would be ready to let them meet, and how I'm going to feel. I wish he had not met her so soon, and that I'd had a chance to get used to being alone before I had to cope with him having someone else.

stable I really feel for you but I have to also point out how important it is that you allow your child to have a relationship with this women (assuming that he is with his dad regularly)
It's important that your ex can see them together and for them to decide if they are both happy with the "package"
Personally I wouldn't want her to get her feet under the table before meeting your son and passing what ever 'tests' your ex sees fit.

Unless it's a just a fling of course. My ex used to introduce my DD to a different woman a week until he settled down. With credit to him though, some of the women he really liked until he saw how they interacted with our DD and then he decided they just didn't measure up.

It is incredibly painful but it's just one of those things we need to take on the chin for the sake of the children and our own sanity, IMO.

Thank you berkshirefem, that was good of you to reply and I do see what you are saying. Unfotunately, I for various reasons it's very unlikely to be a fling, they both fully intend to be long-term partners, and as far as he's concerned she won't have to pass any 'tests'. Obviously he thinks she's wonderful, she's a Christian and she's sent me an email telling me all about herself because she 'knew what I was going through' and I hate to admit it, but she sounds like a really nice person, who I would probably have got on well with had we met in different circumstances.

Her own partner left her when their son was one, and very soon met another woman, although that was 14 years ago for her-so in that sense we are similar. I think that my husband thinks because she's 'nice' and she's a mum who's been through similar I should just automatically be able to feel OK about letting DS meet her and do things with them.

Unfortunately, I suffer with anxiety and ocassionally depression, which obviously has been massively worse since H left and met this woman. I haven't got over the hurt of him leaving, then the hurt of him meeting someone so soon. I just can't face another mental pressure of having to let my son meet her yet. I just feel I can't take any more big steps yet, and I will crack completely if I have to do that now.

Oh Stable I really feel for you. Each time the kids are going to ex now with her there I feel a little bit easier about it and am in fact filling up my diary with fun things that I would never have got the chance to do had I had the children with me. I console myself that they are hardly having much intimate time if she has her two yr old, plus my boisterous two with them and I am getting to do grown up fun things!! Haha!! If you are confident that she is a nice lady, and that your little one is going to be well looked after then why not suggest an afternoon first rather than a sleep over as you feel it is too soon. I had this chat with my ex as it was my ekdest son who said he wasnt ready to share Daddy with the new girlfriend yet so now they are doing some things alone and some stuff together, but she does not stay over when the children are there, for now anyway. What friends do you have around you, you really sound like you need some support in getting through this and I have found my girlfriends invaluable. Some days I want to cry others I feel OK, and Im getting stronger every day, even excited about the new life I have to look forward too. I would suggest spending the day with friends whilst he and the gf have your little one, doing something for you to take your mind off it? It does get easier I promise, but it takes time xx

My children met H's new partner on the weekend - actually without my permission. I was initially angry, but sat on that feeling, and decided it was less emotional energy for me to support it than fight it. I want the children to feel happy and supported in their lives, and if that life includes his GF, then if i'm happy to talk about her etc, it's for the best. They can then make up their own minds on her. My 3 year old girl ha already refused to see her Dad since, and my 6 year old is asking if he has to cuddle her or even has to go.

Basically; i know H is a good enough father to put them first. I would rather keep the lines of communication open with the dc so they can say yes i like her, or no i don't, and either is OK.

When i heard, i sobbed my heart out. They're my babies. She keeps buying them presents - but that will tire. I'm their Mummy, and they know that. I'd rather it was her trying with them, wanting to see them, than a disinterested GF.

Mum also said to me - their life, their relationship. Your life, your business ,your time.

We have been apart for 18 months, not as cut and dry as that though. Yes, OK, it hurts, but happy babies, happy me. My poker face is excellent and nothing like a bit of lipgloss to make them think you're fine.

So true scorps, im getting there, the thing that bothers me is not so muc he has a gf but that she has a kid and he sees that child more than his own. the kids have not said anything bad and that she is nice, but my eldest not really happy about the situaton. but I agree, better to enjoy the free time it gives you and not let them see if you are bothered.

StableButDeluded, you seem to be in such pain which is understandable as it's still relatively new situation but I think you need more help and support - maybe counselling. Have you considered asking your GP for some counselling sessions?

A separation is a loss and often it can cause us to reflect on other losses in our lives so we end up dealing with a whole host of issues. You sound as if you are at breaking point but you don't need to suffer, get some support to help you deal with the anxieties you feel. Most people can recover from a divorce and actually go on to have happier lives, counselling maybe the start of the recovery for you.

OP, I can imagine how hurt you are. I have not been in this situation and never will be but wanted you send you a virtual hug.

Be thankful they are safe and she is kind to them.