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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

H left me, so 26yr old LP with 4mth old baby...please tell me there are others out there??

13 replies

MariaMaria1984 · 16/06/2011 13:59

So,

As the title suggests, hubby left me when bubs was 6 weeks old. Heartbreaking. We had been together for 10 years, since we were very young and we were genuinely best friends. He blamed me for everything.

Anyway, now I am faced with the prospect of being a 26year old divorcee with a baby and am struggling to cope!

I am staying with my parents, who have been amazing, as have my friends, but noone really knows what I am going through. All my friends with babies are happily married, and all of my single friends are not interested in babies, or settling down and just want to get drunk every night, which I cannot do with a baby. I feel like I am just at this horrible in between, that honestly, I would not be able to get through without my beautiful son!

Please tell me there are other loan parents out there, either young ones, or parents of babies that understand what i'm going through. I feel so alone :(

OP posts:

topazmcgonagall · 16/06/2011 17:19

My dd is older now, but it can be very lonely. It'll be easier to meet other mums once your ds is old enough for playgroups. In the meantime you could try Gingerbread. It has local groups and there may be one in your area.

Newbabynewmum · 16/06/2011 18:59

I'm 22 and have a 8mo DD. My friends try to be good. But I know what you mean, they live a completely different lifestyle. I come on MN alot, I haven't got any single friends in RL and it's nice to speak to people who understand.

Wilkoa · 16/06/2011 20:54

Hey
Am a bit older that you at 33, but in the same situation! H left just before DS was born. Moved cities, back to my parents - just like you. Have started over - hew home, new job, new friends, divorce....it goes on. I'm one year on, its not easy but it is getting better.
Have the same issue with friends too, I tend to still go out with them but leave earlier in the night. And no, they don't understand BUT I enjoy that time talking about other stuff and leave the baby conversation to my friends with kids. Met some good people through mother and baby groups, library stuff etc.
Seeing friends with partners and their kids IS hard....I know how that feels.

Original poster

MariaMaria1984 · 16/06/2011 21:45

Ah thank goodness I'm not the only one!! How do/did you guys cope? I feel really upset when I see other mums with babies and their dads, I just get really frustrated that my baby won't have his dad around. H still sees baby 1-3 times a week, but I don't think that's enough, ,not at this age! He's not bonding with the baby at all. How about you guys, do DC still see their dad?

Will try Gingerbread, thanks. Does anyone know any other ways to meet other single parents locally?

OP posts:

MrsS01 · 16/06/2011 21:59

Hi Maria, you'll be fine. My H left me when my boy was 1 (he's now nearly 9). It was hard at first, but you'll find you're not the only one. When your baby starts nursery probably 2/3's of the class will be single parents. Sad but true. You'll probably find you and your baby will be closer as there is just you 2. Personally as hard as its been I would rather have had it just the 2 of us and both of us been happy than the XH still been around and us all be sad. Your baby will not know any difference so will be fine.

Lemonylemon · 17/06/2011 10:25

Hi Maria. You will eventually get used to it (sort of). I'm a lone parent of a 14yo son and a 3yo daughter. But my circumstances are very different to yours. My daughter knows that people do have dads, but that she doesn't as he died before she was born, so she doesn't know any different. Same with your son.

My son and I have a very close bond his Dad and I split up when my son was 2 and my son and I were on our own until he was about 6.

You will get used to it - but it will take time!

girliefriend · 17/06/2011 20:43

Hi did it on my own since pregnancy, it is really hard but rewarding as well.

You are not on your own, try not let all the smug married mums get you down (eaiser said than done!) and find out where you stand financially with tax credits etc.

I think be easy on yourself, try and keep things simple. Enjoy your baby!!!

Original poster

MariaMaria1984 · 18/06/2011 11:52

Lemonylemon, I'm so sorry you had to deal with raising a baby in such circumstances, it must have been very hard for you, and makes me realise that actually, my situation isn't that bad!!! You seem to have coped well though :)

Thanks for the support guys, it really is good to know that there are people out there that have been through it and come out better at the other side. I agree that our bond is already so strong, and I know his dad is jealous of that (tough luck!!!). The other thing is that I am starting to realise that actually, he has probably done us a favour because I am now finding faults in him (trying to make the situation better i guess...) that bugged me before but I put up with at the time....him being lazy, miserable, boring, never wanting to go out or do things, immature, i could go on!!!

Thanks again, its nice to hear from others that know what im going through.

OP posts:

smokinaces · 18/06/2011 11:58

I've been on my own for 2 years now - I have a 3yo and a 4yo DS and I am 28. I struggle still sometimes - my friends with kids are happily married, my single friends have all the time in the world to do what they want. But I have managed to get a good balance 2 years down the line - the boys go to their dad's every weekend for 1 night, I get to go out with (or have nights in with) friends, and time to myself, and get to work part time too.

Its still lonely at times, and there are still times I am judged (like at the school gates!) but being a divorcee with kids in your mid twenties isnt all bad, honestly!

circlehead · 20/06/2011 19:06

I am 23 and have a 10mo DS. Difference being I left my XP 5 months ago due to him being EA. I think mid twenties are hard because as you say, everyone's either settling down (loads of my friends are engaged/pregnant), or still living the party life, neither or which leaves you feeling very inspired.

I too am living at my dad's (which XP detests as my dad is now ''DS's dad'', apparently.) I too feel like I am in limbo. It took months of me just having the strength to get through the day looking after DS and fending off XP's barrage of manipulation to start to sort myself out. Me and DS are due to be moving to our flat on the weekend though, so I think things will start to look up. Now all I need is for XP to stop harassing me!

I think there are lots of young women in our position. I have been trying to look for local groups but alas have not found any. Shame as I think they would be a massive source of support.

BornSicky · 21/06/2011 22:17

i'm 30 with a 5 month old and been doing this on my own the whole way through.

i'm caving tonight and having a not so good one. have learnt there are bad days and amazing days and all it takes is one smile from my adorable baby and the world doesn't seem half as bad. at least no matter what, we've got each other.

i don't know anyone else in my situation in rl, but i can highly recommend sure start centres and baby groups. people are generally more helpful and friendly when they find out i'm on my own.

try and keep your chin up. this site is a bit of a lifeline for me.

sunshineandbooks · 21/06/2011 22:28

I became a homeless LP with 4-month-old twins at 31. I was also married and divorced by 26 (to a different bloke) so I can well beat you in the failed relationship stakes!

Seriously though, I am really sorry you are going through this. It is hard and you have my sympathy. You will get through it though and be all the stronger for it.

I know what you mean about feeling on the outside while everyone else gets on with their lives. I felt that a lot. All my friends with DC had much older DC so had a lot more independence and freedom than me and all of them had family around, which I didn't. Having a baby rather than older DC is much more isolating simply because of the amount of stuff you require if you go anywhere and because you are tied to little windows of opportunity between feeds and such. I know it doesn't feel like it now but this stage does pass and it does get easier, I promise.

The thing that helped me most was having two single parent friends. Like my other friends their DC were older but they understood what it was like and because they didn't have partners could come over with their own DC and spend the night with me and a few bottles of wine. Can you find any other single mums through a mums and toddlers group, your HV, your local community centre or MN local? Or even set up your own...

Hope you feel better soon.

griffalo2 · 22/06/2011 22:46

I was 19 with a newborn when xp ran off wit another woman,i had no friends or family around as was living miles away from where I called home.
I just seemed to concentrate on caring for baby and before I knew it we were goin to toddler groups etc and meeting other mums.so hard but didnt realise at time how hard it was until I look back now

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