What should I do about foul exMIL and her family's access?

[BadgerBadger]

MIL's behaviour was absoulutely horrendous towards me when I was with exH. She attacked me verbally and aggressively in front of our children and on more than one occasion had to be forcibly removed from our home.

She hasn't had contact with the children for a year or so, none of his family have. They haven't really attempted to.

H left earlier following a visit with the DD's and on his way out said his mother has asked if she can see the children.

My immediate reaction would be no way. She's a manipulative, selfish b*tch and I really would prefer not having her or her family in my children's lives at all.

What would be the rational way to approach this? I have no doubt that at some point she might attack me, most likely physically (she has done before). This doesn't worry me in the least from my POV (self defence instructor ) but I'm certian she wont curtail her aggressive behaviour in front of the children.

I would have to be involved, her seeing them without me there is an absolute no!

Any suggestions?

This is the same one who makes siiiiiiiilent phone calls to me when the mood takes her, if anyone remembers my thread on it!

Don't see her, don't let your children see her. IMO someone who uses violence like this loses all rights to access to children, family or not. I can't see why you would consider it, it's not in anyone's best interests except hers!

Message withdrawn

No more than current MIL's Aims. They just feel more at liberty to express it!

I'd just say that there's no way someone as unstable as her is going to be allowed sole contact. If she can attack a grown adult, what's to stop her hitting your children?

Blimey bb - that's awful - she sounds like your worst nightmare personified! Good job you are a rational person! Not sure how you should approach this though. Do the dc like her at all and is your relationship now with exh civil enough to permit a brief visit on mutual ground somewhere perhaps? Could you cope with keeping your cool if that was possible despite her possible snideyness (that's probably not a word, but you know what I mean!)?

My first reaction would be to ignore the request in the hope that it won't get repeated (or will get forgotten about).

Ask the children if they want to see her - if they say no, problem solved.

If they say yes then I would make sure that it is on your terms - ie in a public place (such as McDs on a Saturday lunchtime)with someone (best not you) to act as a supervisor.

If she's truly likely to attack you physically though.............that is a totally different matter - no way should your children have to witness that sort of behaviour. I just don't know bb.

The children are only 3and a half and 1 and a half but no, they haven't asked to see her.

I suppose I feel under pressure to do so because I'm not in touch with my parents either (and they have never had or asked for contact with the children). I'm struggling between protecting them (job one as far as I'm concerned) and providing some family for them now and into the future.

My brother sees them less than once a year and my sister (whom they had a fantastic relationship with) moved from quite near us to another country recently. They're all they have apart from very distant distant (in blood and mileage) relatives.

I don't want them to feel as lonely as I do, nor do I want them to have to contend with the nutters that these people are. I'm not sure which is more damaging TBH!

and frustrated!

Aero, that's a really pertinent point. I honestly do not know whether I'd be able to keep my cool in the face of perceived hurt of my children. Probably not!

(...and "Hi and how are you!" Been thinking of you recently, haven't seen you around.)

How useful are this family going to be to them?

Will they give them a positive view of themselves and the world? Will they be supportive of them?

If the answer's no, don't worry about depriving them of family.

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Understand your dilemma. Both my parents died before my children were born - when my youngest was 8mths old we relocated. Now I see my brothers once a year (only when I make the effort).

As for my xmil - well she has never even bothered to ask to see the children. In 7 years she has seen the children once - and that was because I had a softening of the heart and thought it may be nice for her to see the children (and I had a funeral to go to back 'home'). I gather that she was weeping buckets when they left after about an hour - but has never bothered to ask to see them again.

My opinion is that your xmil should be given one opportunity to see the children - on your terms - and if she behaves herself, and the kids enjoy it think about doing it again.

Just because they see her once doesn't automatically mean that she will want to do it again.

Hopefully margyfargy's right and it was a passing thought... if not, are you on civil terms with your ex? If so, then it would be worth having a very patient but firm conversation with him pointing out that her behaviour in the past has been unacceptable and that you won't have your children put at risk of witnessing aggression or violence. Put it back to him - how would he solve this one? How would he ensure that your children were safe in her presence? And safe from being made unhappy by hearing someone saying hurtful things about their mother?

I may not be remembering this correctly, but didn't she make abusive phone calls to you? Do you have any record of them - did BT block her calls or something? At least in that case you have some evidence in case ex-h or ex-MIL start making a fuss with solicitors.

If that would just cause a pointless row, then you will just have to be straight with him and say no, it is too dangerous and distressing for your children to be around her, given her shocking past behaviour.

As for loneliness, given the lack of physically present family, you could do some thinking about building strong friendships with adults. FWIW I was lucky enough to have the company of some very strong role models through my mother's friends. People who have been more important to me than my blood aunt and uncle. My godmother once told me she had deliberately gone out of her way to make friends with people 10 or 20 years younger than herself so that by the time she was elderly, she wouldn't be left on her own with all her friends dropping off their perches simulataneously! She's a lovely woman (one of those role models) and her friendships have given the people she made friends with an enormous amount, so it's not as cynical as it might seem - worth taking a leaf out of her book?

Agree with mfs post but also with edam in that it could lead to a pointless row. I also (obviously not up in badger time), don't know all the circumstances, but have in the past minded a child where there was a violent grandmother involved (mother's own mother), and it wasn't pretty......long story. Upshot is, if there is a likelyhood of violence, then I'd say no regardless I think, but if it's possible that they could meet with another person you trust to act as supervisor, then I think I'd allow it - very shaky ground though - I don't envy you.

Thanks for thinking of me though. Bless you. I'm ok, (sort of) - ben a tough few weeks, and I can't really post here to offload. Are you on msn at all?

Thanks for your suggestions

Edam, that's probably going to be the safest route to take and you're absolutely right. When I think about it, the people who have been there, given me tools for life are pretty much all unrelated to me .

Incidentally, refelcting on those people and relationships for a few minutes has returned my strength and clarity ten fold.

There's so much emphasis on the need for a good family structure! Grrr when in so many cases it's just not feasible.

Thanks for all your replies

Aero, consider yourself CATted

Thanks bb. Falling asleep here ........too much wine and dh is in LA........recipe for disaster!

Did you say drrrrink!

(In the style of Father Jack )

Looking forward to msnning soon

I'm suffering from emote addiction, again.