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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Fell bloody truly awful

14 replies

Montessorisam · 04/06/2011 23:35

Oh my god. i am so down. 11 years. 3 kids. truly over. How am I gonna get over this? Cried for hours tonight. Tried to be the hardfaced bitch who can deal with this but I've just looked at all the photos and it hasn't been that bad really. he changec a lot over the last two years. His priotities became his business and a bottle of wine every night. My kids are 2,6 and 9 and I am truly trying to keep it together. Dr diagnosed depression and gave me antidepressants but I don't want to take them. feel so alone and down and I am grieving so badly. this is bloody crap. Anybody out there? Cos I am falling apart and I don't have anybody,

OP posts:

Joelybear · 05/06/2011 00:03

MOntess it really is hard especially gettin used to the changes that have happened that you have no control over.

You sound like me as you look back and can't see things have been so bad - but 5 months down the line I realise what an abusive relationship and 20 year marriage I had had! Just couldn't see it when I was living in it.

The first days and weeks you have to go on auto pilot to get things done for the DC's - I have 5 DC's and was signed off work for a few weeks which helped for the DC's to know I was there for them and to make them realise I would always be there when they needed me (oldest is 18yrs - youngest is 23 months).

There is no quick fix for this and I'm afraid you have to go through every day of pain to get to a better place. I would have loved a 6 month sleeping tablet and a crystal ball, so that in 6 months I could wake up and see the rosey future. BUT you have to live through every day of pain to get there. Not meaning to sound harsh or trite but it will get easier. Take time for you, cry when you need to and don't bottle things up. Hope you have some good friends around you to support you - I found them invaluable and it made me realise just how good my friends are - shame had to go through such a hard time to realise it though.

Don't dwell on the things you haven't managed to do, but just concentrate on the essentials such as feeding, clothing and getting DCs to school on time etc etc. Give yourself a pat on the back as you are doing a great job of being mom to your children, take time to spend with them give them hugs and enjoy them. They are the most important things now - but do be good to yourself.

Thinkin of you its so hard and painful I know sending you a mumsnet hug

anothermum92 · 05/06/2011 00:06

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anothermum92 · 05/06/2011 00:07

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MavisEnderby · 05/06/2011 00:09

You WILL do it.you are their mum.There will be good and bad days.There wil be days where you want to run for the hills,but you WILL do it.myoh died.its ongoing...but you
WILL do it!!!

reinitindear · 05/06/2011 00:13

Hello,
You have already had some brilliant advice and not to echo it but it really will get better. Do what you can to the minimum without the children suffering and if you really can't then ask for help.
The fog WILL lift please take my word for it. Small steps every day do the bare minimum you think you can cope with at first .. feed you and the children make sure they get to school/nursery and call on friends or family and feel no shame in asking for help.

Monty27 · 05/06/2011 00:15

Mont - how long ago did he leave? (or have I missed it?). It's a hard time, you will get through it. You do need to grieve, that's natural. You'll get stronger and stronger.

Mavis - good to see you. You're a tower of strength on here.

pickgo · 05/06/2011 00:21

Aww sorry to hear you're feeling so down. As others have said you will feel better and get through this, although it's hell now this too shall pass.

A friend of mine asked me when I was really low, what are you afraid of? what would make you feel better?

If you can answer those in your own mind (and forget conventional wisdom - it's what's right for you) then you might get back to feeling happier sooner.

Keep posting, there's so many who are/have been in the same boat!

blackeyedsusan · 05/06/2011 00:27

take it easy in the first few days. we had beans on toast for tea quite a lot as it is easy. feed the children, get them to school. tell thier teachers as the children may be out of sorts at school. (write a note) (dear mrs blogs, dc may be upset at school because dad has left home this weekend.)

you will get through. from experience, i always feel better the morning after i have had a good cry. tomorrow may be better for you.

radancer · 05/06/2011 00:31

It's always darkest before dawn. Life will get better. If you don't want to take the anti-depresssants try exercise. Half an hour three times a week - the kind that will make you break a sweat. The idea is that the endomorphins exercise produces in your body combat the depression. Depression's an illness, and it should be treated in some way. Put the photos away for the time being. As Joelybear says, be kind to yourself. Life's not panning out the way you expected, but there are good times to come.

Original poster

Montessorisam · 05/06/2011 07:36

Thank you for all your support. Oh I have a hangover this morning. Do feel a bit better for all the crying. I guess it has to come out. Hardest part was looking at the good times but now I realise that there were and that is ok. But it has been awful for best part of 18 months now. He left 3 months ago but came back to try again. Left properly one week ago. I say properly because I know this time that we will not try again and it is properly over. I have drank every night since but I know I have to stop that too! I don't normally drink at all. I do take runs when I get the time away from the kids. Just feel lonely at night when the kids go to bed. I suppose that is when I have time to think.
What am I most afraid of? I suppose all the pain and darkness. I'm also afraid of the anger and bitterness that I know is coming my way. Especially today as he will pick up and there will be crap thrown at me. That was what it was like before.
Anyway, than you. It is so good to know that you are al out there. Especially after midnight when it is all too much!XX

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Original poster

Montessorisam · 05/06/2011 07:39

Joelybear - thank you. Your thread is brilliant too. 5 kids. Brave woman and a tower of strength. It is good to know that if yu can do it I can too. How did you deal with your children? Mine haven't even asked anything this time round after he had gone. Not even too ask where he is!! I told them that we had tried to fix it but couldn't bt I am here for them if they want to talk about anything. They are not talking. They seem fine. Worried that they aren't really!

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SaggyHairyArse · 05/06/2011 16:13

I separated last August and STBXH moved out in the September, my children are 9, 6 and 4 and have also been amazing. It is amazing what they can take in their stride when perhaps they knew Mum and Dad weren't happy before and when Mum and/or Dad are answering their questions and keeping them informed on what is going on.

I was the one that ended my relationship after years of trying and now 9 months later I am glad that I made that decision. Now that I am not living in that awful relationship I can see how bad it was and life is so much happier now. I don't dread my ex coming home every night, I don't walk on eggshells anymore.

I also second the suggestion of exercise, I took up karate and it is brilliant. I can take my frustrations out on my sparring partner once a week

Also, all the things I was made to feel were unachievable, I am managing to do on my own steam (doing up the house, going to college in September etc). I didn't realise how much of a negative effect my ex had over me and now I am getting the spring back in my step.

Don't get me wrong, it is hard at times and sorting out the finances/divorce is not easy but is a hell of a lot better than the shit my life had become.

Be strong, be kind to yourself and don't let the bastard get you down!!!!

Original poster

Montessorisam · 05/06/2011 17:07

Thanks saggyhairyarse. You sound just like me - years of trying and loads of negative crap that drags you down. The karate sounds great! I need to feel that things are achievable again. I had to quit my job because I could not cope with everything plus the hours of working. That has made me feel like a failure too. I know that I will work again but I need to pick myself up first. It is hard working when you feel so low and then you have the kids to look after too. It all gets too much. Just trying to be positive from now on. Thank youX

OP posts:

Joelybear · 06/06/2011 00:12

Mont Glad you feel a bit more positive today - it is hard and ther will be good and bad all rolled into one and your mood will change so quickly in the course of a few minutes but thats normal aswell.
My oldes DC's 18 + 17 are finding it really hard. Oldest is giving up his job as sometimes has to work with his dad and just can't do it now. As dad is not making much of an effort to see oldest 2. Sends them occassional tests but not really spent anytime with them - think they are relieved really as they just don't want anything to do with him if they can help it. I can understand - but I do want them to have some kind of a relationship with him as he is there dad. But they feel he has changed so much in last few months as the dad they knew would never have done this to me or them!!
DS 3 (who is 4yrs) sometimes cries now cos he wants daddy - but it is very short lived and just tell him daddys at work and will go home to his own house not ours when he finishes work. He is easily distracted but has needed more hugs and reassurance. DD (6yrs) seems to take it in her stride - she is very protective of me and at times tells me she doesn't want to see daddy (when she knows he is getting her from school etc) - but then says she will go as she might get a magazine. Shame hes buying them. Have told school whats going on so they are aware of it all. Especially as DS3 got very clingy when I took him to nursery and was crying when I went to leave him so the teacher had to peel him off me. Even that seems to have settled more now an just happens on odd occassions!
Be good to yourself - it will take time. Give losts of hugs and reassurance to DC's that you are and always will be there for them. You will find work again when your ready and it will be a welcome distraction for you when it happens. Take care

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