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Lone parents

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Original poster

Travel arrangements

21 replies

Iliterate · 25/05/2011 12:46

I confess I am the stepmother not the mother but my husband has had to move four hours away from his daughters home ( he was made redundant so had to find work elsewhere). His ex wife is refusing to meet us half way when it's our weekend. My husband often can't take Fridays off and I have an 18 month old and a four month old at home. What do other people do?

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 25/05/2011 12:58

what was usual travel arrangement? and why is she saying no?

Original poster

Iliterate · 25/05/2011 13:16

She would drop off on a Friday we would drop off on the Sunday. She is refusing to do it as she doesn't see why she should have to put herself out because we moved. She gets 900 a month from us purely for her daughter not spousal and we haven't yet tried to reduce that amount due to having siblings. We used to have her daughter every other weekend but because o the travel that has gone down to once a month and we are instead covering eight weeks of school holidays. She works four days a week but has flexi time. Help me understand how this works?

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 25/05/2011 13:32

its a difficult one! and i can see both sides,but i dont think there are any rules as such.

is it a cost issue for her? or more time,4 hours going anywhere on a fri night would be horrendous i'm sure

blackeyedsusan · 25/05/2011 14:07

to be honest, I can see her point of view. she didn't choose to move he did, although for good reasons.

could he look into getting job closer to where dd is? it is easier to find a job when you are working. you may haave to see dd less often in term time, he isn't goign to have that many days of annual leave is he.. see more in the holidays? did he not realise this might be a problem when he took the job?

it is a tough situation.. I hope you manage to sort something out.

Original poster

Iliterate · 25/05/2011 14:14

It's never been amicable. There was no-one else involved at the time of their split. Her objection is exactly that it's a pig of a drive. She is now saying she is going to take legal advice as she thinks we are being unreasonable! We have never gone thru the csa it's all been thru the courts and we have offered to pay her petrol. We paid for tennis lessons for. Her daughter and she was picked up by a county coach when we 30 minutes away and even though we paid for her lessons on the weeks she wasnt with us her mother refused to take her so we ended up giving up on them as their was no point and she was very talented. I have two boys at home I know how hard it is as my husband is always working so being on your own is tough. I just don't understand why her daughter doesn't come first. I don't know your situation but thank you for trying to help. I have been made redundant too so finances are tight..

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 25/05/2011 14:18

so theres a court order?

not since the move i assume? maybe your dh could take it back to court then,for a variation. and leave the maintenence to CSA to work out.

sounds like she's had it good but wont compromise when a bit of help is required from her

could sat mornings be a better time to meet halfway?

Original poster

Iliterate · 25/05/2011 14:22

He's been made redundant twice in two years we've had to go where the work is. I didn't want to move with two small children. I just want it to be fair. She has 900 pounds every month to look after her daughter. I will be doing the majority of the care as you are right he cant take time off work. Next week for example he is off until the Wednesday. Sorry I have never posted before so am a little rough around the edges!

OP posts:

Original poster

Iliterate · 25/05/2011 14:30

Court order is old! She is consulting a solicitor now. That's why I just want to know what other people have worked out. I don't think ( if I am
Feel free to tell me) we are being unreasonable! X

OP posts:

Gster · 25/05/2011 14:41

I've got to say, even if it was amicable doing two four hour drives a weekend is quite a big ask, and surely tiring for the daughter.

I live 1.5 hour drive from my dd and her mum, I've never thought of asking her to meet half way. I can see your difficulties, it's an awful situation, but it really is a long way for her to drive.

GypsyMoth · 25/05/2011 14:45

and presumably you'd meet halfway for return trip on sunday?

Original poster

Iliterate · 25/05/2011 15:18

We'd meet half way on both days! There is a train that is 5 minutes from her mothers house that gets her half way and then it's a drive! It's miserable for my stepdaughter I agree. We had the same problem when my then boyfriend/ now husband was moved to London for his job. We decided it wasn't fair on his daughter so he managed to find a job that didn't pay as much to be nearer here. We've been there for four years and we've run out of job options.

OP posts:

Original poster

Iliterate · 25/05/2011 15:24

Sorry fester I don't mean to be rude but Why is it ok for my husband or I to do eight hours in a day and her mother to do none? MY stepdaughter has four hours of travel. Or Should we just right off the importance of seeing her father and brothers!

OP posts:

Gster · 25/05/2011 15:29

Is fester meant to be me ?

Original poster

Iliterate · 25/05/2011 15:31

Sorry that should have been gster! Didnt mean to offend!

OP posts:

Gster · 25/05/2011 15:50

None taken, really.

I don't think it's ok for anyone to drive that much to be honest. Least of all the daughter who'd be in the car the entire journey even you did split it. Or you with a baby and toddler at home.

Life is unfair. Sadly. And I see the difficulty of the situation for everybody. I'm just saying that's a lot to ask of her. But yes maybe it is fair all round if she does so.

I suppose it's where you draw the line, 4 hours, 6 hours, 7 hours.... before frequent visits become unsustainable and you have to start looking at longer but less frequent visits.

How old is the daughter ? Can she travel alone on a train ?

Original poster

Iliterate · 25/05/2011 16:08

No shes nine. We've dropped it to once a month already thus the extended holidays...i can't do it in a day with two little ones so I am having to do it I. Sleep time tomorrow I will leave early doors 3.30 to fit round my babies feeds. I will stay at the inlaws overnight and then pick my stepdaughter up at 6pm so almost sleep time for the boys and drive back. A half way train and half way car journey is easier on my stepdaughter and of course on us. It's just this blanket " why should I?" and to be fair she has all the power and we have none. If she says no it's up to us to find a way round it I we want to see her.

OP posts:

gillybean2 · 25/05/2011 19:16

If this were a cost issue you could apply to CSA for a variation on the calculation due to travel costs in maintaining contact.
However I appreciate you are not going through the CSA and this is a time issue rather than a cost issue.

The reality here is that you moved away (for whatever reason) and her mum isn't happy to do the driving. So you either have to suck it up and do it or take it to court. Court will be expensive, and more than it will cost your dp to take half a day's unpaid leave once a month. He should be the one doing the driving not you.
Even if the court orders mum to do half the journey she will easily find ways to make it difficult - car in garage, flat tyre etc. And what are you going to do then? Take it back to court?

I would suggest you try having her every 3 to 4 weeks, ie half way through the half term which is usually 5 to 7 weeks long. So you'll see her in teh holidays and then once between each holiday too. Can your dp manage to get 6 half days a year off as unpaid leave or make up the hours at another time?
I would also suggest that you apply to CSA for a calculation and a variation for travel. Not just because mum is being obstructive about it but because he needs to support his new family and have money to spend on keeping up contact and on dsd when she is there.
Put the numbers in here and see what he should actually be paying and see if he is paying about what he should or if amn adjustment might be needed.
www2.dwp.gov.uk/csa/v2/en/calculate-maintenance.asp

Smum99 · 25/05/2011 21:07

Very difficult situation when one parent moves away as contact will always be affected.You could take it to court - it would be a variation of a court order that stipulates when the contact is and who is responsible for the drive. The courts will look favourably on your situation as you have 2 young children and they won't be expecting you to do the drive. Your DH will get some assistance with the drive but I suspect it would be no more than 1 hour. It wouldn't cost too much, the court hearing costs and some legal advice prior to the court date but on an issue such as this the judge would simply review the facts and make a decision . The issue to focus on is that your step daughter has a right to see her dad and siblings and she would benefit if both parents travelled some of the journey. i.e your dh would be less tired, would be safer etc.

A potential option is for your DH to reduce the maintenance (why was it set at £900? ) if the court order was after 2003 and it has been established for a year then he could ask for a CSA assessment. With the extra money could he use it to have temporary accommodation locally to his daughter for every other weekend? not ideal but he does then see his child.

Didyouever · 25/05/2011 21:30

Tbh.

I'm all for children seeing both parents, I'm a big fan of shared residency and amicable splits.

But, I wouldn't drive for four hours on a Friday. I hate driving, even if it is only once a month.

And how many children would want to do this distance as they get older?

Bearinthebigwoohouse · 26/05/2011 13:20

I can see why she isn't happy about this. She does the bulk of the childcare and running around after her dd, works practically full time, and is being expected to deliver her to her Dad, be it all the way or half way, as well on her day off. And all because he chose to move so far away. I do get that he needs to go where the work is, but this is one of the things surely that had to be weighed up in the decision to move/accept the job?

Latemates · 26/05/2011 14:03

If the father hadn't taken the job 4 hrs away from what his wife says they would now both be unemployed. which would mean the mother would only get £5 a week maintenance. do you think she would prefer this? not to mention everyone else would struggle with to afford things too.

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