Hi everyone,advice over shared custody please

[Alanefc]

I'm wondering if anyone can give me some advice please,I split with my ex 3 months ago,her choice,definetely not mine.She has been suffering from severe PND since last year,i took as much time off work as humanly possible to help her thru it and as i work nights i was only sleeping for 4 hours after work the next day to help her thru it.

It didnt work and she ended up on Prozac,a terrible drug.She told me she no longer loved me and we ended on good terms and she said there was nobody else involved,not long after she told me there was,a 54 year old man she worked with who she had previously informed used to be a male escort! We had an informal arrangement over the children,and believe me when we were together we were 50/50 on the childcare,i used to bath the boys and put them to bed every night,since her meeting this new man she has changed dramaticaly and we are now at the stage where i am no longer allowed to see the children after i raised objections to her taking my 5 year old son to a pub on a Sat night to an adults party,the pub has a terrible reputation so i asked my dad to mind my little boy whilst i had to go to work,which my DS was delighted with.

I have now applied to the court,or my solicitor has for me to have Joint Custody on a 3/4 split one week,and a 4/3 split the next week - He thinks I have a great chance as he says the courts are looking towards shared residence/custody a lot more.I adore my sons and not seeing them for 6 weeks now has left me on the brink,i see my 5 year old at the school gates every day for 5 mins and he adores me,but i cant take him out anywhere.Sorry it's long but i'd love some advice/feedback thanks

You do have my sympathy not being able to see your children but I do think you could do with taking a step back and thinking carefully about what you are doing here.

Firstly- you are talking about taking a baby away from his mother! Do you really believe that is what is best for him? And do you really believe you have a chance of sole residence or even joint residence when your children are young. Obviously, I have never met your ex but she would have to be a really bad mother to have a baby taken away from her and she does have family support.

Secondly, turning up just before or after school must be very confusing for your son. He is probably missing you terribly and to see you just for a few minutes is probably worse for him than not seeing you at all. It also puts him right in the middle of decisions which need to be decided between you and your ex.

Thirdly, you both seems terribly angry about the situation and the things you are doing are probably not doing you any favours. You have phoned social services, are talking about "full custody", turning up at school etc. If I was in your ex's situation I would be getting really pissed off with you and you might be making her even more determined to be unreasonable. Perhaps if you could just take a step back and put some distance between you and her for a while - give her chance to get some legal advice, then perhaps you might stand a chance of getting her to be a little more reasonable.

I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. I just know that when people are feeling angry it is hard to think rationally. Sometimes trying to come to any agreement when feelings are so raw is very difficult and people can find themselves just wanting to hurt the other person rather than thinking about what is best for the children.

I'm also really surprised the school have allowed themselves to get involved - I think that's quite unprofessional to be honest. I'm a teacher and would not want make a comment to a parent about the other parent whatever I thought. The only situation i can think of where a school might get involved is where social services are involved.

I do wish you luck though. It must be awful not being able to see your children and I just hope you can find the right way through this mess!

I only go to the school of a morning to see him because she is not there,and the school are involved because I did all the dropping off and picking up at the school with my little boy,they are worried that he is not seeing his dad who he spent 75% of his time with,and as for taking a baby away from his mother,she spends part of the week giving him to her sister,or her mum,or her sister in law.I was THE primary carer for those 2 little boys,and I only involved SS because she was taking them to a pub where there had been a shooting 2 weeks before on a Saturday night.The majority of replies on here seem to be anti father,and also "dont bother trying to fight for what you can get,just accept what you get and get on with it",i'll never do that,she is the one who caused the break up and to tell me that "i'll never see my kids on birthdays or Xmas again" is totally out of order.When i asked my solicitor he told me the last 5 cases he has dealt with in Liverpool family court have resulted in the father being given shared residence,birthdays every other year,every other Xmas,every other Easter and half the holidays,now people on here can tell me that it's not worth fighting for,but i will fight until my dying day to get my time with my kids,because that worthless slut I was living with has no more rights than i do,i was there for every scan,every school appointment and anything else you care to name.

I am not "anti-father" and if I was I wouldn't have taken the time to reply to your post. I do have a lot of sympathy with your situation, just concerned you may not be doing yourself any favours. I think you will find that the fact she ended it doesn't really have anything to do with with residence.

Of course you must keep fighting for whatever you feel is best for your children. You know the full situation better than anyone on here and you know your children better than anyone else.

Alan,

Unless I have missed something, I haven't noticed any replies that are "anti-father." What you have received is some decent advice as to how to deal with this. I suggest you listen to what has been said.
I did tell you that you wouldn't get Sole Residence. You won't, although you may get SR.
Every case is different and the fact that your solicitor says that SR was awarded in the last five, does not mean that it will be the outcome in your case. I would hope that he also made that clear to you.

I don't see any reason why not,i'm a good father who can prove i was the main carer for the boys,i have a good job and anice home,i live 10 mins from my 5 year olds school and I may not get what i want first time out in court,but i will fight to the death to get it eventually.I',m hoping she recieves a custodial sentence for assualt

So what did your ex do for work?

"I',m hoping she recieves a custodial sentence for assualt"

and what would that do to your kids? Sorry but it is really starting to sound like you just want revenge and not what it best for your kids!

If you work 1 week on 1 week off, who looked after the boys when you were at work? I'm presuming she did, so I'm not sure you can claim to be thier sole carer before you left.
And don't you think it would upset your children if their mother was to recieve a custodial sentence?

I worked nights,only got 4 hours sleep after a night shift so she could go out every day with friends,she used to work 4 days a week and i had to have the kids the times she was in work,which i did gladly,and before i went to work i had to have them bathed and in bed while she was downstairs watching Eastenders and the like,sorry if it sounds like revenge but women annot the life out of me the way they stop good dads seeing their kids for no reason,if this was the other way round no way would i dtop her seeing them,thats just cruel

That "worthless slut" is the mother of your children, and take it from me, if you use language like that in court, the judge will be far from impressed. I have no doubt you are a good father and want the best for your kids, but you are in danger of sounding so spiteful and bitter, that whatever your motives, you will sound revengeful.

Fwiw I have joint custody/residency of DD1 and it has worked well. My ex used to sound like you and part of me hated it him for it. It didn't mean to say that he was a bad father - in fact the opposite. But please do yourself a favour - focus on your children and wants best for them and forget about your ex and what she has done to you.

But before you fight for sole/joint residency, make sure you have the appropriate support network in place.

There is no reason (based on what you have posted) that you should not get SR, although I haven't seen the file.
Equally, there is no reason (based on what you have posted) why the courts would give you Sole Residency.
Your first appearance at court will be a directions hearing, sometimes called a conciliation hearing. Preumably, your solicitor will also be seeking an Interim Contact Order, pending a full hearing on Contact and Residence, for which position statements and (almost certainly) a CAFCASS report will be ordered. Interim Contact is usually by agreement as judges are reluctant to make orders without first hearing all the evidence.
You may be lucky and get decent interim arrangements but be prepared to see your kids once a fortnight in a contact centre if need be.
Depending on her level of opposition and any allegations made, you may get no contact at all until the first hearing proper.
Your solicitor should have also advised you of this and the inherent delays in the system.
I wish you luck for your kids' sake but you need to calm down, start listening and try to think strategically. What you are posting here will damage your case, not help it.

"women annoy the life out of me the way they stop good dads seeing their kids for no reason"

Please don't tarnish us all with the same brush as your ex!

Well said, MrsColour. It is also the case that there are mothers denied contact with their children by hostile fathers. Statistically, they may be in the minority but it happens, usually when the children are a bit older and can be manipulated.
I'm not sure to what extent it is a gender issue at all.

I'm sorry to tar all women with the same brush,but surely the fact she has been arrested for assault,given a warning for threats to kill,her boyfriend has ben done for harassment,and her brother done for threatening behaviour will show the court how reasonable i am being in the face of major hostility ?

when are you going to court?

I don't think using language like 'worthless slut' is going to make people on a parenting site like this one feel any sympathy for you. You seem to be losing your temper.

Has your ex any help for her PND?

As the wife of a father who has full residency of his two boys, I hope you manage to get the contact you are after with your children. My OH was the primary carer for the boys despite him working and the ex not (she would make him take them to work!) so it is possible for a father to get residency.

Good luck and like others say, put the children first and try to bury any hate or resentment towards their mother when dealing with the courts.

We are in court on the 4th july,and i used that word as she left her 2 boys every night i was off work to sit in a grotty pub with her bit on the side,who she admitted is a male escort!

Thank you fluffygal x

Hi Alan. I'm certainly not anti-dad and I have what you covet. Full residence.

BUT I only got this because my ex caved. This despite me being main carer for over two years.

In that context I am telling you, that your chances of full residence is extremely low. Shared is more likely and your best case. using the threat of full residence is still a valid strategy though.

I also suspect given your recent posts that the truth is starting to come out now. There's a lot of understandable resentment there and I still suspect you are manipulating situations and some of your exs reactions can be defended in court because of it.

You also appear to be only listening to posters offering your point of view which in my opinion is fatal.

Ah, mumsnet, where a man who has been punched in the face by a woman and who hopes she will be sentenced for it is told that he's just out for revenge but reverse the sexes and they'd be baying for his balls to be nailed to the wall. And as for the "worthless slut" thing, have none of you seen what men are routinely called on this site, particularly in Lone Parents? Sometimes the hypocrisy around here is quite stunning.

Alan, good luck. I, too, suspect that you'll get shared residency but the actual split of time is harder to predict. Shared residency doesn't have to mean 50:50 time. Nevertheless, keep at it. You may get to 50:50 a few years down the line if that's what you really think is best for your children.

Thank you,50:50 is best for my children,my kids adore me and my 5 year old never wants to go back home,he always wants to stay with me,and i'll fight until i can't fight anymore to get that