Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Ex wants DS (4 yo) to sleep in his own bed at his house and mine...thoughts please?

16 replies

RoRoMommy · 24/05/2011 09:24

Hi all, it's been a while but let me first thank you for reading this and for any input you can provide...

My ex-DH and I have been separated for over a year. He's now co-habitating with his new gf. I have no issues with that, or with her - she's lovely, and she dotes on DS.

DS has lately been saying that he doesn't want to sleep in daddy's bed. I've discussed this with my Ex, and because he's looking for a new place at the moment (it could be two weeks, could be two months) and wants it furnished, he doesn't want to get DS a bed and have to sell it on again.

Today we chatted and Ex said he wants DS to sleep in his own bed in his house (once he's moved and bought DS a bed) and in our house (shortly thereafter). I've explained before (pre-separation) that I want DS to decide when he's ready to move to his own bed, rather than force him.

Can I please have perspectives on a) the likely timing that DS will actually want to move to his own bed (based on your experience, particularly after a split) and b) how to sensitively and carefully discuss my views with Ex.

TIA!

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 24/05/2011 09:29

The child wants to sleep in his own bed and 4 is a bit old not to have your own bed anyway.

Original poster
RoRoMommy · 24/05/2011 09:35

It's more complicated than that - putting aside what age a child should be in his or her own bed, the question here is that DS wants to sleep with me, but does not want to sleep with his Dad. I am trying to figure out how to manage that fundamental conflict without causing too much upset for anyone involved.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 24/05/2011 09:40

i don't think it's a conflict that needs managing.
i think you need to point out to your ex that while he's at your house you will bring him up as you see fit.
if he wants to hae his own bed at his dad's house then that's abslutely fine. but while at yours you are happy for him to sleep where he likes.

really, it's a non-issue. I bet there are loads of things the pair of you do differently, and your DS is fine with it....

WhatGoodIsThis · 24/05/2011 09:40

I think 4 is too old to be sleeping in your parents' bed. Your DS has even said that he doesn't want to share a bed with his Dad anymore. (I realise this is potentially a controversial view. But if you intend to let your DS decide, then is there any age at which you would put a stop to it? Genuine question.)

scurryfunge · 24/05/2011 09:42

Sorry, I don't see the conflict. Can't he sleep in his own bed at his dad's house (his rules, his house) and sleep with you in your house if that is what he wants.

Your ex will have to accept that that is what you have decided in your own home.

EldonAve · 24/05/2011 09:43

what thisisyesterday said

ChristinedePizan · 24/05/2011 09:44

If your DS and your DH want him sleeping in his own bed at his house, then that's fine. What happens at your house is neither here nor there.

Bluebell99 · 24/05/2011 09:51

If you are really asking for opinions, I think he should already have had his own bed about three years ago. I think it is odd that he doesn't.
When do you think he will have his own bed? 7? 10? 15?

stressedatbest · 24/05/2011 10:09

God almighty. I used to use this board a lot for support in these kinds of split parenting issues. I'm now staggered at how harsh some people on here are.
OP, I think you need to sit down with ex. Would a novelty blow-up bed at dads be the answer? It would save dad the expense and ds could get the independence he wants over there?

Original poster
RoRoMommy · 24/05/2011 10:09

Thank you thisisyesterday and ChristinedePizan and scurryfunge.

Just to be clear, this is not a question about whether my son should be in his own bed - that is, as thisisyesterday has pointed out, my decision. I am asking how to manage the conflict, and this is very helpful advice.

The first question was to see if people had experience with their children deciding to sleep in their own beds, and just to be clear, no, I don't think he will still be in my bed at age 7.

OP posts:
Original poster
RoRoMommy · 24/05/2011 10:12

stressedatbest! What an AMAZING idea! In fact he's going to be borrowing our blow up mattress to host some family of his new gf!

HOORAY! Solution.

And yes, I should sit down with him, and will do soon. Happy to hear that others are comfortable with him doing different things at different houses/with different parents.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 24/05/2011 10:14

i dont see any issue. he sleeps in his own bed at dad's when he is ready.
he sleeps in his own bed at mum's when he is ready.

a child can cope with different regimes at different houses.

WhatGoodIsThis · 24/05/2011 10:18

Glad you've come up with a solution that works for you, RoRoMommy.
The power of Mumsnet works again!

spiderlight · 24/05/2011 10:22

RoRoMommy, our son co-slept until he was 2 1/2, at which point we got him a big-boy bed and a digger duvet set and he started to sporadically spend a couple of nights here and there in his own room, before deciding to move in there 'full time' as he approached 3. We let it be his decision and he loves sleeping in there now and has no fear of the dark or bedtime anxiety. He will occasionally come in with me if he's feeling poorly or of DH is away, which is fine because I miss co-sleeping!

I hope the blow-up mattress solution works for you. Have a look on Amazon for 'Ready Bed'.

stressedatbest · 24/05/2011 10:27

my dd has a blow up princess ready-bed, £30 in mothercare. Loves it!

Original poster
RoRoMommy · 24/05/2011 10:56

Thank you all so much. Have literally made my day!

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread