H and OW taking dc's on holiday next week. Struggling.

[carlywurly]

It's been nearly 18 months since H's affair was uncovered, and I've moved on a fair way since (even though the divorce still isn't through) and H and OW are still together. I can just about get my head round that (I have a lovely DP) but inside I still don't want Ow anywhere near our dc's, and the thought of her playing happy families with them when they go abroad next week makes me feel physically sick.

I've kept my dignity, never contacted OW, said anything to H, or tried to restrict H's contact or activities with the dc's in any way, but this one is tearing me up. I know there is nothing I can do, am obviously not going to do or say anything, and the dc's will have a lovely time, but just needed to let this out somewhere! It just seems so wrong.

Just to make it clear - the dc's do spend time with OW already, they've met her a number of times and I've never tried to restrict or prevent that. I doubt H would realise I feel this way about the holiday- he's trying to get me to come to a little waving off party at his parents, and can't understand why I might not want to do this! (OW won't be there, but still, I think it's more than I can cope with emotionally)

you are doing so well to be so rational and calm on the outside, and good on you for seeing that your kids will enjoy it.

there is no answer to this. it is very hard. but your kids will enjoy it and that is the ONLY saving grace.

i have all this to come. ex is obviously waiting for the right time (possibly once the divorce is thru?) to tell me about his girlfriend. i already know quite a bit about her from the neighbours as she is there A LOT - not when the kids are, though. they haven't met her yet. but i am dreading the day when he tells me he is introducing them to her. again - the thought of them playing happy familes makes me feel sick to the core.

Thanks wishiwas, it is so difficult. I'm sorry you'll have to go through this too. I think if H had met his partner after we had separated I'd have found it a lot easier, but the circumstances were really horrible. She had contact with my dc's while we were still married but I was away for a weekend, which I find very hard to come to terms with.

I don't know how anyone really comes to terms with this, I guess it's something you adapt to in time.

there's a lot of things you have to adapt to when you separate from your child's father (or mother). there are things i thought i would NEVER have to face doing - like going a week without seeing them. like facing another woman changing my DD's nappy. these things are too horrific to contemplate, and yet you are expected to be able to 'just deal' with them. i was told by the GP that i have to 'just accept' what is happening. how the HELL do i do that?

I know, it's often the small things which really hit you. OW saw dc2 riding a bike before I did, for example. It's so far from the family life I'd envisioned having, I can't get my head round it sometimes. At its worst, it feels like a living nightmare.

I'm doing lots of courses, sport and activities for myself. That is helping. I also had some counselling sessions. I think if I dwelt on it all I would lose the plot, so I keep myself too busy to think about it most of the time and concentrate on moving on with my life and not holding on to anger and bitterness. I just know that the next week will be tough as I will have time to think.

I think you are doing really well at coping - I'm fortunate to be mostly through it as my DC are teens but it is something I have been dealing with for years. The only think way you can think of this is your short term pain for your DC's long term gain. My DCs have spoken about how well they feel they have grown up because of the non selfish approach I took with regards to their father. I did my utmost to put their needs first and it seems to have paid of. The joy of having well adjusted children who can look back on their childhood is worth the lip biting that I did.

Sadly no easy way to handle the hurt - it does however get easier over time

how do you find the strength to move on? at what point do you give yourself permission not to grieve for your children when they aren't with you? i can't bear not having the children. even laughing when they aren't with me feels wrong. i certainly can't 'make the most of the me time' by doing things. i can't make new friends; i can't do activities.

smum99, thanks so much. That is a really comforting post and reminds me why I need to carry on doing what I'm doing re soon to be XH. Sometimes I just take heart from the fact that the dc's are well adjusted, and the compliments I get from other people about them.

WishIwas, all I can say is that ime it slowly gets easier. The first weekend I was without my dc's (they were the same ages yours are) I actually ended up in hospital. I made myself physically ill (not by self-harming or anything, just being so thoroughly miserable it induced strong physical pain). It was awful, and my lowest point.

I think meeting DP really helped. He is brilliant - very caring and understanding. My closest friends were also great, I used to spend weekends driving hundreds of miles to see them.

I recommend the counselling too - it does really help.

Carly, I read your message earlier and was at work, so couldn't post but I've been thinking about you all day, because I could have written it myself.

It's like someone reaches in and rips out my heart every time I think of the OW putting my children to bed, playing games with them, or having any kind of contact with them at all. She's at pains to prove that she's the perfect soon-to-be-step mother, when in truth no one with a grain of decency could have ever behaved the way she did. I never realised I was capable of hating someone like I hate her. But what can I do about it? The only way to really hurt the pair of them is to tell the dcs what I think about their father and the OW and I couldn't do that - it would be so unfair to them, and so bewildering, and so distressing. They've been through so much, and it's so unfair, and they don't deserve to be sad any more. Smum99, I aim for your Zen-like approach and it's good to hear that it is manageable, however hard it might be!

The holiday thing is horrible, isn't it? I'm dreading it. I'm dealing with it by planning to work very very hard for a few days, then go somewhere I've never been before with some friends and go rock climbing (which I've never done before). And hope it passes quickly and they come back before I realise they have gone.

One thing that struck me in your post was your dignity and restraint - I really admire you. The fact you have managed to keep your cool and hold back from saying what you feel is amazing - I've cracked a couple of times and have told my ex exactly what I think of him and his mistress. Never to her, though, I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. But you sound amazing, and I am blown away by your composure. I really hope it isn't as bad as you fear it will be, and that you manage to get through it. And rant here whenever you like - you'll find a sympathetic audience, I promise!

I could be in your position soon as H left me for OW, however until we broke up I was stepmum to his DS. We got together 6 months after he left his ex btw I was not the OW.

I remember his ex been upset when we took SD on holiday the first time. But I'll let you into a secret. As good as the holiday was, it was also the most tiring, physically demanding and unromantic holiday I'd ever had!!! So yes it was nice to take SD on holiday, but would I have preferred H all to myself and to spend the evenings drinking lots of wine, eating in nice restaurants and perhaps going to a club or having romantic walks along the beach? Of course!

Well done on maintaining your dignity. I have so far managed to do the same, although I am not quite sure how sometimes.

Oh, thanks so much for your kindness, and for thinking of me, that means a lot! I think if I keep putting the dc's first, I'll be ok, but it's sometimes so hard when it means suppressing your own feelings. Eventually it all comes out and poor DP doesn't deserve to deal with me being miserable when he can't do anything to make it better (although he never tries to jolly me along, he does understand.)

I have been so so tempted to contact OW, it doesn't seem right that she blew our lives apart and never had to deal with the consequences. I wrote endless emails which never got sent. At some point I will have to see her, but she doesn't seem keen to set that up - can't think why! Thankfully she lives hundreds of miles from me so there's little chance of bumping into her. And I know it wasn't just her - but she was married with a dc too, and I just can't understand the mentality of another woman who thinks it's ok to cheat with a married father.

And wilkoa - I'm thinking a holiday with 3 aged 5 and under isn't going to be that relaxing either

OP - you haven't met her. oooo. not sure i could do that. i know that ex has a girlfriend but i haven't met her yet and she hasn't met the kids (he hasn't told me either - i know from friends / neighbours). before she does meet the kids, i want to meet her. not that i can do anything to stop him from introducing them. but i want to know who exactly is going to be changing my DD's bum, bathing the kids etc (assuming she will do that sort of thing).

of course, what i am secretly hoping is that she doesn't want anything to do with my kids and just wants kids of her own with my ex. in which case she will persuade him to loosen his grip a bit and he will become bogged down with her and whatever kids they have together, and stop being as controlling as he is with DCs at the moment.

and now i have read your post - her kid too. oh you are SOOOOO dignified. what pills are you on because i need some of them ?

I really feel for you. It's been 3 yrs since exh left us for OW, and he is still with her. I recently met her for the first time (exh must have told her so many lies about me she actually HID from me several times) and I realised she wasn't the demon I thought she was. she was really pleasant, even though I wanted to punch her in the face (but I didn't). And I came to the conclusion, that, even though she knew exh was married with a small child, actually its HIM that broke the wedding vows and abandoned his family. It's HIM that is responsible for all the shit that happened to me in the aftermath of us breaking up.
I am not sure I would be happy about ds going away with them, but now I have met her (she even kissed ds goodbye), I saw that she cares about him, and ds cares about her. No matter how much I hated her, I just couldn't anymore. It still hurt to see ds comfortable with her, but in the end I just have to let that hurt go and be pleased that ds is happy. (and, more to the point, enjoy my child-free time that most mothers would kill for!). She will never replace ME for ds.
But my exh is not a pleasant person at all, and I am truly glad to be rid of him. He has dumped ow countless times and she has always taken him back. He constantly slags her off to our old mutual friends. I feel very sorry for really
And as a further plus point, now I have met her, I can randomly ask an innocent question and watch exh squirm as it becomes apparent that he has just told me a pack of lies. Very satisfying
Perhaps you should meet her? Are you ready to do that at all?

The thing is, I have met her, a couple of times, years ago. Once was when she worked with XH and I took newborn dc1 into his office. I remember at the time she was upset about an affair she was having with another man (honestly.) The second was with her then DH while they were trying to work things through. They came to our house for a meal while on holiday in our area. I had flu at the time, and the dc's were both ill too, and asked XH if we could cancel. XH was so insistent that she still come, made a big deal about me "not allowing" his friends to come here . Later, her XH and I compared notes and said how awkward the whole thing was. The affair came out about 6 months later. At the time she was perfectly pleasant, but now I look back, was obviously sizing me up, looked round the house etc.

Worse, she then came back down while I was away at a family funeral and possibly stayed here with XH and the dc's then. This only came out months later when her XH and I were talking (he is great!) I could go on, I think she has a few issues of various kinds, and she and XH seem to be living in a hedonistic little bubble. If I listed some of the midlife-crisis style things they've done since getting together, you'd think I was making it up.

I think I would still find it very distressing to meet her. There is so much I've wanted to say, I don't know how I could meet her and be civil. Interestingly, the dc's never ever talk about her, only her dc, who they get on well with.