Ghaaaaa!!!!! Bloody stupid selfish ex. (a rant)

[PinkCarBlueCar]

The ex has decided that because she can't have her this Sunday, she's going to stop having contact with DD (3.9) "until she's old enough to make her own decisions." Whatever the hell that means.

I'd offered her Saturday two weeks ago, arranged to do overtime tomorrow because of that, and she forgot all about it and so wants Sunday instead.

At the time I offered the Saturday, she'd responded with "I'll think about it." Knowing how chaotic she is, I told her that I would assume she'd have the Saturday unless she gave reasonable notice otherwise.

I told her she couldn't have Sunday as we had plans - my Dad's down on Sunday. I'm not going to tell her that, because she doesn't like my Dad, and it's none of her concern anyway.

Really cba fighting with her. The court order states she gets every Sunday with one in four being a Saturday, so I'd offered tomorrow thinking I could do some (rarely available) overtime. I don't get any maintenance from her, even though she's been working in a proper job for several weeks now (previously it was all cash in hand).

I texted her asking her to think about what she was saying, and who it would really hurt. She texted back about 40 mins later saying that contact until she's old enough to make her own decision.

I'm on the verge of texting her that I have no idea what she means by old enough to make her own decisions, as right now DD would want to see her, but if she stops contact, then in a few years DD will probably not want to see her. Or something like that.

I feel like I've been dragged into a fight with her because I've refused to keep her life organised and remind her that she was going to see DD this Saturday. I also feel like I'm fighting for DD to have contact with her mother even though I'm not convinced it's really in her best interests - the ex has a fair few NPD traits (if not all of them), whilst the ex is fighting with me because she's not getting her own way.

It's her daughter, ffs. It's not for me to organise her fucking life, remind her when she has contact, facilitate it all for her. God, she makes me angry. TBH, it really would make things easier if she did just fuck off. I wouldn't have to deal with her. But I know DD would miss her terribly.

Suggestions? WWYD?

damn. too annoyed to type properly.

The Saturday I'm talking about is tomorrow, and when she texted back 40 mins later it was to again say no more contact until she's old enough to make her own decision.

I should also say, that by chaotic, I mean she'll change her mind at the drop of a hat. If it were up to her, she'd come and go in and out of DD's life as and when she pleased. I know this as I've seen it with her other daughter.

Hi there.
What is your ex's relationship with her other daughter like?
How old is her other daughter and how often does she see her? (How many DC has your ex got btw? and is she the same with them all?)

Personally, if it was me, I would get some sort of record of ex saying she didn't want contact until DD could decide for herself, either a letter, a recorded phone call or a text, and get on with bringing up DD on my own.
I wouldn't bother contacting the woman again, but that's just my opinion.

Honestly ? Tonight I would take a deep breath, ignore her and let the waters settle. She probably feeds off your reaction and I am learning (albeit slowly ) that ignoring actually reduces the boiling points. I echo everything you say about wishing she would disappear but she won't unfortunately.

If she doesn't show tomorrow or Sunday, I'd see a solicitor on Monday and get agreed contact details prepared. If youa re in the UK, it seems that you can't force a reluctant parent to have contact but for yours and your daughters sake, you can't carry on with this chaos.

Arrrgh, clearly when a child waves goodbye to their parent to spend any amount of time with the other, they need to know when their going to see that parent again. And it's the responsibility of the parents that it soddin well happens. It's a bloody no brainer! My Ex lost the plot for a couple of months back in about 2002-2003, would just turn up on the doorstep ranting about "your can't stop me having access to my kids" ... then have them for an few hours next disappear for a few days to a week ... then re-appear again. But she sorted herself out, (ish )!

Sapphirefling OP already has a contact order through the courts.

OP, Do you think your ex really means what she is saying, or has she said things like this before, then decided that she does want to see DD after all?
Has she always been unreliable?

portaloo - her other daughter is on the other side of the world being brought up by that daughter's father's parents. She's 6.5 and been there for about three years now.

Tonight is all on text - I won't talk to her on the phone and haven't for a looong time now - it's just not worth it for the potential of "no, that's not what I said / meant" etc.

She only has two DC.

Sapphirefling - this is from a court order, and at that hearing she was still pushing for residency... Unbelievable.

She won't disappear. You're right. I won't send the text I'm sorely tempted to send. I've made it clear it's DD and herself she'll be hurting, and mainly DD.

Maybe tomorrow she'll want contact. you're right again - I do think she feeds off my reaction. I try my best to keep it factual, but it's far easier said than done when they push those buttons, isn't it?

whiteandnerdy - I had plenty of that a couple of years ago. Ended up with her getting an harassment warning from Police.

portaloo - for myself, I hope she's serious. But for my DD, I hope she's just trying to be hurtful. That's her style, so hopefully she is just saying it.

A few weeks back she said she'd stop seeing DD. That was a similar incident of me having made clear arrangements with her, her forgetting (even though she'd been reminded), and me not letting her change contact at the last moment to accommodate her forgetting.

On the reliability side, the pattern has been 3 to 6 months of consistent contact, then nothing for a couple of months. This has been for the past two years, but in some senses, it's been the pattern of her contact with both children since they were born.

OP, I sympathise with you and your DD. My ex is not reliable with contact either, DD may not see him for weeks at a time, and I also cannot speak to him on the phone unless I record the conversation. My mobile is full of texts to and from ex to the point where it wont accept new text messages. My ex also tried to get residency of DD and my DD also misses him and talks about him lots.

I have recently come to the conclusion that I only respond where absolutely necessary, and I hope, for DD's sake, that he will disappear simply because as far as my ex is concerned, I do not believe he will ever change and become a responsible caring father. DD does not deserve a father who dips in and out of her life as he feels like it, and always puts himself and his own interests first, many times when it is to the detriment of DD. It is DD who is crying at the window atm and wailing down my phone 'Where are you daddy?', not my ex, he is doing his own thing, probably not giving DD a single thought, so this is where we're at atm.

Ex is supposed to pick DD up tomorrow morning and have her until sunday evening, but I wont tell DD, and I'm quietly confident he wont show up again.

Just to let you know that I feel for you and your DD OP. I hope it all works out for you.

Thanks, portaloo. Yeah, that's pretty much the same for me and DD too.

I think I have a compromise of sorts which will mean DD could see her mum tomorrow without too much disruption to our plans.

Well, it turned out she's moving this weekend (I make that three addresses in as many months), but she had DD for four hours this am and she'll have same tomorrow pm. We even managed to sort it out by phone .

Sounds like this weekend has worked out ok for you and your DD. Long may it last!!!