Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

ex shipping kids off to unknown person during his weekend

27 replies

misspineapple · 20/05/2011 20:27

my young son came home after seeing his dad earlier this week and said that he would be going to a football match with his dad this weekend(his dads weekend to have him) and whilst they do this his younger sister will be staying with dads colleque from work

i tex ex asking who this person was but as usual got no reply. i then texed him to say i was home doing nothing and could have her.
he replied that he would discuss it with her, she is 6.

i replied that it was not for a six year old to make these desitions so he texed back that he had cancelled the arrangement

i then had to assume im haveing her instead, on my weekend, lucky i didnt arrange to go away!!

my question is , is he allowed to give the kids on to someone i or the kids dont know, if not how do i go about inforcing this as i feel i have no say over what he does when he has the kids

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 20/05/2011 20:29

well you could do the same....leave them with a friend,relative or even a new childminder. so why should it be different for him

his time,his judgement

ChasingSquirrels · 20/05/2011 20:31

of course he is "allowed" to make arrangements for his children to be looked after - do you expect to have to clear all your arrangements for the children with him?

whether this is a good use of his (presumably limited) contact time is a different question, but then he isn't palming them both off, he made arrangements for one so that he could spend some time with the other.

BluddyMoFo · 20/05/2011 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BooyHoo · 20/05/2011 20:35

do you leave your children with people he doesn't know? does he know all their teachers? do you make decisions without consulting him?

GypsyMoth · 20/05/2011 20:35

op,you are right when you say 'you feel you have no say over what he does when he has the kids'.....in the absence of welfare issues,you are right,you have no say.

is there a court order?

Pictish · 20/05/2011 20:37

Agree with the rest.

His kids, his call. I bet you don't expect to have to clear it with him every time you leave the kids with a friend or a sitter?

Don't be so overbearing!

Spero · 20/05/2011 20:39

I understand why the op is worried - she is only 6. He should at least reassure her about who this person is, will this be the first time they have been involved? That is basic courtesy, let alone basic responsible parenting.

I appreciate you can't micromanage what your ex does on 'his' time but he should be able to communicate with the op about child care arrangements for a very young child. It is unreasonable to expect a mother not to worry just because it is 'his' time. He could reassure her quite easily, he chooses not to. That is poor behaviour.

GrownUpNow · 20/05/2011 20:40

I agree with the "his time, his judgement" statement.

I trust my exP to make the best decisions he can when it comes to raising our son. That means that he gets to decide how he manages his time with his son without me interfering.

When I get my kids a babysitter, I don't okay it with my ex. When someone comes round to my house, I don't okay it with my ex. When I make a decision about where we are going to go or who we will be with on our time, I don't expect to be questioned, so I won't do the same. I'll have an opinion maybe sometimes, but I keep it to myself, because I wouldn't like to be controlled and questioned if the tables were turned.

Basically, I think you should have stayed out of it. And I don't think you can moan if you now have to babysit instead. You called time on his arrangement, step up and suck it up. Next time I'd trust his ability as a parent.

Original poster
misspineapple · 20/05/2011 20:40

thanks,im glad you all think its ok. im not sure why ive been so worried about this. but i guess , no i dont leave the kids with people he doesnt know.

and his keeping information away from me and only passing information through the kids is getting me spooked.

Thank you

OP posts:
Spero · 20/05/2011 20:43

What is not ok is him refusing to discuss it with you and passing on info via the children. I am not surprised you feel spooked. It is immature behaviour and not going to do much to improve trust between you.

I bloody well think it is my business how my ex looks after our child, she doesn't stop being my responsibility when she is with him. If he was leaving her with strangers I would want to be told. Parents have to communicate. If a parent refuses to communicate then I would start worrying and I would not be very trusting.

balia · 20/05/2011 20:44

Spero - it simply isn't practical to demand that level of communication in the case of separated parents. When I was a lone parent, I certainly wasn't on the phone to my ex every time I made an arrangement with a babysitter, or to do an activity, or take DD away for the weekend, or let her go to a sleepover or party or whatever.

Was DS looking forward to a bit of one on one time with his Dad?

Spero · 20/05/2011 20:48

Balia - I am not talking about babysitters, who presumably are checked out. This is a one off leaving a small child with a 'colleague'. Well fine. Who? Has this person met the child? Is she comfortable to be left?

This would take five minutes of chat if that to sort out. He can't even talk to her directly. I would be pissed off.

I think you are confusing every day activities when one parent is WITH the child as opposed to leaving the child with unknown person.

Original poster
misspineapple · 20/05/2011 21:02

spero: he has been extramly emotionally abusive to me, all conversations end up with my head being in fog. i am in councelling to regain myself,

his lack of comunication is diliberate

i have not got involved in what he does when he has the kids before, but this just felt wrong. i managed it by offering to have her back but feel shocked that he would do this without asking if i was free or talking to me about it.

i still dont know if he wants her back on sunday,

i have not and cant arrange anything on my weekend.

but as long as she is safe im happy

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 20/05/2011 21:34

so is there a court order,or not?

allnewtaketwo · 20/05/2011 21:37

You see, I can absolutely understand the OP's POV.

However, in my experience, what tends to happen is that the PWC won't think twice about arranging any sort of childcare when they're busy. But then kick up a rumpus when the NRP has the audacity to do exactly the same thing Confused.

In an ideal world, you could both just ring the other parent when you've something planned - but if only things were that simple

Original poster
misspineapple · 20/05/2011 21:43

no court order, and all arrangements of every other weekend and wednesday evening contact are arranged by us. this has worked ok for 1 year+, but he communicates very little with me, i am often left assuming things.

he is sending information via the children more and more, i have asked for this to stop, but silence is his choosen weapon

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 20/05/2011 21:47

a contact book might be the answer then?

Original poster
misspineapple · 20/05/2011 21:59

what is a contact book

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 20/05/2011 22:11

goes with the children for contact....you both write info in it....messages. stick it in their overnight bag. you could put school updates in etc,and hope he reciprocates!!

Original poster
misspineapple · 20/05/2011 22:17

good idea, i like it and will try it. thank you very much i have never heard of that before.

i think that will help, as face to face communication is just not possible, it is just tex or nothing. the book will add an extra layer of communication .i will get one tommorrow.

Thank you, i am a first time poster, but a over a year lurker
kind regards to you all

OP posts:
belleshell · 20/05/2011 23:10

we ahve a contact diary too works really well cos school letter etc go to both homes..............give it a try

x

Sapphirefling · 20/05/2011 23:11

Op - can totally understand how you feel and you have every right to have reservations. My ex is a selfish git and has tried to fob the kids off on various random family members who they don't know during his supposed 'contact' time. One distant relative was so bewildered when he asked her to have the kids for a weekend that she contacted me so see if I was ill - I wasn't - I was sitting at home missing my kids but assuming they were having a great time with their father.
It also irks me when I read threads where PWC are told that their feelings and concerns are irrelevant as the NRP has rights. Not ALL NRP are selfless and considerate when it comes to the needs of their children.
If you have concerns, you can see a family law solicitor for some advice and reassurance. You talk about him using silence as a weapon - he is bullying you and it's not on.

portaloo · 20/05/2011 23:26

I would prefer to know who my DD is seeing when she is with my ex, but alas I am not told anything.
The main reason I want to know is that I do not trust my ex one iota, and I don't trust his judgement, and I don't actually believe he gives much of a shit about DD.
OTOH, he doesn't mistreat DD AFAIK, and DD seems to enjoy seeing him.

I really do think that it depends how much you trust your ex and the decisions he makes wrt the DC, as to how anxious you are about not knowing what he is doing with the DC or who he is taking them to see.

My sol once told me that she has known of many NRP who pick up their DC, then promptly hands them over to their new girlfriend to be looked after by her all weekend while he goes to work. Not the best way to make the most of contact imho, but it happens.

whiteandnerdy · 20/05/2011 23:27

I would be more concerned about how the 6 year would feel about missing out on doing something with dad while her older brother goes on an adventure. I'd be making suggestions about what magical adventures he could do with his 6 year old daughter the next time. Ah, with 3 kids a little one-on-one time can be a bit special, at the same time you need to make sure that nobody feels like their being left out.

pickyourbrain · 22/05/2011 14:31

What he is done is unkind regards not helping put your mind at ease about who the colleage is.. however, he is well within his rights and IMO you need to put this to bed else everytime it happens you'll build up more and more anger that you can do nothing about.

Swipe left for the next trending thread