How the fuck do you cope?

[lemonstartree]

I am a single mum, divorced from kids father - he left in August 2010. He was emotionally, verbally and physically abusive to the kids, and verbally and emotionally abusive to me. `he is no loss.

Because of the child protection issues he has the boys once a week, on a Saturday from 10-6. plus the occasional drop off/pick u from schoool. He is not alowed over night access

so I have three boys. 12, 9 and 6. i work full time in a pretty demanding and stressful job ( I was always the main breadwinner) I have very little spare money as all the family debts are with me and I have enormous solicitors bills, so extra paid help is not really an option. I have a cleaner once a week for 3 hours. Does kitchen and bathroooms.

The house is chaos. I cannot keep up with the laundry,ironing, cooking, cleaning, supervising homework, managing the kids emotional needs; let alone a single second of time for ME. twice this week I have been called into my younger sons school to be told I am not properly supervising homework/they don't have the right kit/ no pencil case etc. My eldest (at secondary school) is on report for poor organisational skills.

I feel like I'm having a breakdown. My mother os close, but bless her she's 73 and simply cant cope with three ill disciplined, noisy boys ( and I'm working HARD ) on the discipline but its HARD work.

Not helped by my ex being nice as pie to the kids and giving them sweets/ treats and bullshit about what a crap person I am

how do you cope? How ??? Today I got up at 6.30 did breakfast dresed the youngest ( he has a broken arm) supervised bag packing etc Kids to school at 7.30 Start work at 8. work through till 2.30 collect one for fracture clinic apointment, come home empty dishwasher and reload, hand up washing, supervise homework, cook dinner, reload dishwasher, supervise bath and bed... and now I hav a pile of ironing to do, second sos stuff to pack for lovely weekend away with his dad....

I just feel like crying Its like this EVERY day. Relentless, endless fighting between the children and relentless grinding toil for me.

I feel like cutting myself to make myself have physical pain to releive the mental stress. I wont but for the first time I see why people do

Um, badly.

I have a child who will not behave so I've had to get SS involved, an illness which is getting worse, and I'm on the verge of getting evicted as I can't pay the rent.

I think I smile, or do an ostrich, as I have to.

Don't cut yourself though eh?
I've done that and the temptation is there, but scars don't look after the kids or pay the bills.

i'm a lone parent to 5 but not working atm,though i want to be!!

its hard,none of us are perfect.

2 soon to be 3 are teens and its been a tough time with one of them too.

there are no easy answers.

Just a few suggestions to try and cut workload somehow

1. Reduce amount of washing - for both my DCs, I try and put the same set of uniform back on them the next day, just change underwear. Sometimes you can babywipe the odd mark to save on washing and drying.

2. Ironing - don't iron any of children's things - hang carefully after washing. If you dry inside on an airer, the clothes are not as stiff as drying outside.

3. The right kit for school - get a large wall calendar and write all equipment on the relevant days. If you hang in the kitchen, you see it every day and it will help with the kit requirements.

Are you able to ask your mum for any financial assistance?

I think reading between the lines you feel guilty about your DS being on report, but he is old enough to organise himself.

Can you check on entitled to website to see if working less hours can make a big difference financially? Just having an afternoon off once a week will give you a breather or chance to do a bit of housework etc.

You poor thing. What a rough deal.

Just on a practical note: how come your cleaner only gets kitchen and bathrooms done in 3 hours. Mine comes for 2 hours and does the whole of a 3 bedroom house. I then don't do any other cleaning (bar wiping the kitchen surfaces) until she comes again. Perhaps you could be getting better value for money.

I also don't do any ironing - not even my work clothes.

I try to batch cook and freeze, and just have something really simple like beans on toast if there's nothing suitable and I haven't got time. I appreciate with 3 hungry boys that might not be enough.

You probably don't feel like reading anything at the moment, but I have found a book called Playful Parenting very helpful. I think as a lone parent it's hard to be 'fun' because you feel there is so much responsibility on your shoulders. (At least that is how I feel.) The book has really helped me loosen up a bit with DD, and enjoy our time together more.

Hang on in there.

Your DC's are fed,clean clothes and there attending school. Your cleaner is keeping on top of the rooms which are probably the most used. Your doing really well. Try and concentrate on small areas of the house if you think of it as a whole then you will feel overwhelmed.
I'm a single mum too your not on your own keep posting and if you want to pm please do.

I don't have 3. And don't work full-time - I will from September.

But I feel what you feel. This has been a shit week. You'll get through it. There's lots of us out there too. That helps me sometimes.

Take an evening, or an hour for a bath, book, wine. Just take a moment to breathe and then up and at em again.

Honestly. I'm sure you're doing a great job. Prioritise jobs, only do what's important xx

Why are all the family debts with you? If they're in joint names your ex is jointly liable. Does he pay maintenance? If not, contact the CSA. If you can afford to drop your hours or work part time, do so. If you worked, say, 3 days per week, you could fit the housework in so wouldn't have to pay for a cleaner which would save you some money.

I really feel for you. I was the same, treading water working FT, trying to keep on top of the housework, and bringing up DS - and I only have one! Things only changed when I went PT. Could you consider that as an option?

Dont iron!!! I never do. I take stuff out of washer and either hang on hangers put on radiator or briefly tumble dry very creased stuff to tumble the creases out and then hang when damp. Could you survive financially on less hours. I now earn a quarter of what i did 10 years ago but find that part time work is the only way to manage as a lone parent with kids, getting all jobs, homework, ferrying to activities after school done. we dont have luxuries but its less stress

You are doing a good job, I'm the same I have 2 DS, and I work 2 jobs (1 full time and 1 banking) just to keep a float.

I learnt a long time ago, to just do the basics, when I have a day off and I mean WHEN I have a day off, I don't do anything, just rest and have fun with the boys. When I have a holiday, I use this time to do the big jobs, and my house gets a spring clean. I can't afford to go away, but we do have days out.

I do second what everyone else has said though, if you can afford to work part time do it, in the long run your health must come first, ironing takes a back seat in my house, do what others have said just put them onto hangers, I get the boys involved too, my eldest loves the hoover and is happy to do this, especially if it means we get to watch a film together quicker.

I live by what my mum told me......housework can wait, it'll be there tomorrow and the day after.

Wrote a message that went on forever so trying again! I am also struggling though only working part-time. I find it extremely difficult. I have really bad weeks when I just want it all to stop. Wish I could find a way out but all routes seem impossible.

A few things do help me: regular cranial osteopathy (gets me out of my head and back into my body) and a fantastic counsellor. Taking charge of the situation and establishing more routine also work for me (until ex changes dates at short notice and it all comes tumbling down). Allowing myself to feel crap when the DCs are away. Alcohol and chocolate help too though knocking that on the head as trying to lose the weight I've gained comfort eating over the last 18 months!). Lowering my standards regarding the house.

Sorry you are struggling OP but TBH anyone would be the same.

Only the usual suggestions such as give the kids more responsibility maybe tie chores such as unloading dishwasher, clearing & wiping table after meals in with pocket money.

Agree re have lists/timetables on the fridge & get each kid to pack nxt days bag as soon as they are in from school.

Plan meals ahead & cook double so you can freeze a portion, this can mean you will only have to cook few times a week.

These things help me manage but most importantly when kids are at dads forget the housework for a couple of hours & get out & do something you love!

Take care hope it gets better soon

Me again. Just posted on another thread and thought it might be useful for you too. Have just worked out that I am struggling to deal with my DSs anger alongside my own. DD will shout at me or pick a fight so she deals with it but the DSs are more moody, petulant, aggressive etc. Have suggested that we get a punch bag and both boys (14 and 7) think it's a great idea. I think I might get something out of it too!

I find it hardest when I feel I am struggling to support DCs or finding their behaviour very challenging but that manifests itself in struggling with the day to day physical stuff.

Poor you.

Tbh I don't see why you need to suprvise their homework- they should be able to come and ask you if they have trouble with it, but otherwise it is for them to do, surely?

Get them to empty bins/put the washing machine on/load the dishwasher etc etc- the 9 and 12 yo should definitely be helping around the house.

Not having time on your own must be soul destroying- can you make Saturday a special day for you? Say, do something satisfying for half the time and then relax for few hours on the couch or whatever makes you happy.

Ditto what everyone says about not ironing/batch cooking and all the practical stuff.

Do the kids have any extra support at school ? I eventually caved and the mask slipped in front of eldest DDs teachers and we have now been referred to a number of voluntary support agencies who deal specifically with kids going through marital break ups and for me, specialist help for dealing with the aftermath of an abusive relationship.

A few years ago, I didn't think I'd be the one asking for help. But like you, I struggle witht he relentless, daily grind but I know I can't deal with the physical side of all this until I start to fix the mental scars.

Take care OP - it's bloody hard

sometimes things get on top of us all, At the moment I have a pile of ironing Im not going to get done any time soon. I have an essay to complete and more house work than I care to think about. Have various clubs and activities to ferry and pay for. a math exam coming up I cant revise for. homework to supervise dinners to cook list goes on.

I feel for you so much but some advice this list above gets prioritised each and every day. If the ironing does not get done and the dcs have beans on toast one night a week or 2. It is not failing your children. Your older dcs must have more responsibility for them selfs and house hold chores. My mum stopped ironing for me when I was 14. If I wanted it done I had to do it, I had to take turns with my siblings and mum to cook each night. Im not saying I would do the exact same with my own dcs but certainly they need to take responsibility for things like homework, personal organisation and even breakfast and supporting younger siblings when they reasonably can and should. they should be seeing consequences for behavior when they are teens, being on report is not acceptable but expected, as long as you can talk about expectations then some times they need to be exposed to consequences.

your cleaner should be doing more than she is. your children need to load dishwasher or sweep floors, take out bins etc.

you need to seek debt help cab or national debt counselors help line will give you very clear advice in line with the law. I think this will relive some of your disrepair.

with a bit more of this and less guilt everyones emotional needs will be better catered for.

I hope you feel better soon op and realise your dcs wont remember you for a clean house. but more for the emotional stuff but you need to be well your self to provide. take stock sit down have a , breath and relax. then take this bull by the horns.

dispare not disrepair bloody predictive spell check.

I suspect many of us lone parents have felt exactly as you do at sometime or other (I certainly have). Up until recently I was working 30 hours, cross and snappy all the time and totally overwhelmed. (You'd think i'd be used to it having been a lone parent for so long!).

When dd was a baby I was called in to ds's primary over forgotten items etc so I made an appointment with the head and explained that it wasn't that I couldn't be bothered, I was a working single mum who wasn't getting a great deal of sleep and just needed a bit of understanding while I tried to get us sorted out properly. It got them off my back.

My mum helps with letters from school so they dont get mislaid here and reminds me of any events/appointments coming up which surprisingly is a huge weight off my mind...is there anyone who could do that for you?

With regard to the house: My thinking used to be that I had to try that little bit harder, my house should be that little bit cleaner and that little bit tidier than most couples I know because people judge lone parents all the time. I was setting myself up for failure really because it just isn't possible most of the time sometimes. I think you have to drop your standards and accept you can only do so much. So what if there's a bit of tumbleweed in the corner? It's not the end of the world and probably only you would notice it anyway. I'm the kind of person who if I haven't had all the furniture out and sofa cushions off every vacuum for example, then to me it doesn't feel clean even though no-one else knows...i've had to learn to live with that!

Only iron what you absolutely have to, if you can get away with it then dont bother!

Write lists if you have trouble remembering (and I dont say this to patronise, I was always mega organised at work but can never seem to get my head around organisation at home with all the distractions).

Could you contact CCCS with regard to the debts?

Try not to focus on what you aren't able to do or you'll be punishing yourself forever...being a parent is hard, you're doing the job of two people...we can all only try our best.

Thanks so much all. This morning was a bit better. I am trying really really har to MAKE them take responsibility for their own stuff/homework/bookbage etc. As their father had no interest at all in doing this, it is taking some time to instill new habits.

Think I may make appointment with head to discuss and get the teachers to lay off me a bit. The kids are clean, fed and they go to school on time.....

Saturdays are my catch up day - you know strip beds/(not every week! ) laundry ironing/cleaning/do stuff I cant /dont want to do with kids. maybe I need to MAKE time for me on this day.

The debts will be sorted when I can remortgaeg when I have got rid of the ex ( ie he finally agrees to a financial settlement) trouble is, like all leeches hes trying to get blood out of a stone !

I do make lists - lots of them... It helps to tick things off.

I wont self harm; I'm too bloody old and sensible, but for the first time I felt I understood why people do.....

Yes, definitely make time for yourself on Saturday. I do this - although I should be working - and it makes all the difference.

Mine are considerably smaller than yours, but when their father left my mother sat down with them and asked them what jobs they thought they could do to help me out. Small things - making beds, putting shoes away, putting stuff in the recycling bin, clearing the table - depending on their age. She wrote it on a big piece of paper and pinned it up in the kitchen. They do, by and large, do the things on the list, because they think they don't have any choice.

You will go crazy if you try and do everything. Just keep telling yourself they are clean, fed and go to school on time. Frankly that's pretty good.

Don't spend every Saturday doing chores - please. You need some time to recharge and do something for you. What do you love doing? What makes you feel calm? Then make sure you spend at least 4 hours doing it on Saturdays.

Pack the bags the night before and get them to be responsible for it.
Then put timetables up by the door and write pencil case and diary on the top.
As we are going out ds has to read out what lesson he has each day and what he needs for it (homework, exercise book, reading book, pe kit...). It takes 1 minute but means he goes with everything. Try it.
I also put a spare pen and pencil in a pocket in his bag so if the worst comes to the worst he has something to use.

Get them to take turns stacking and emptying dishwasher. That's not a tough task. One to stack and one to empty each day, That means they do each job twice a week. Whoever hasn't packed their bag every night that week or hasn't had everything they need for school has to do it on the sunday in addition! If they've all done it then that means you will do it for that one day but get a takeaway if you can afford it so you don't cook and there's minimal washing up anyhow!

Make them responsible for putting their clothes away. So throw pants, socks etc into separate piles and they take them up and put away.
Get those easy iron shirt for school which don't usually need an iron if you dry them straight and if they do well the creases will have vanished by teh time they get to school. School trousers again shouldn't really need ironing, just make sure they get hung up straight and also overnight. There's no need to wash anything other than pants, socks and a shirt every day, Trousers once a week, blazer/jumper once at half term (unless dire).

Don't cook anything ever in the week that takes more than 15 mins to make and cook. Stirfry, pasta, chops etc. Time it all based on how long the potatoes, pasta or rice will take. Only exception is baked potatoes which you should throw in oven when you get home and ignore for an hour.
Make up a big batch of bolognaise at the weekend. Use some to make a lasagna for the monday. Put a couple of portions in the freezer for spaghetti, chilli or tacos and take it out and put in fridge the night before so it is defrosted by time you get home and then add what you need to it to make it different from the night before!

Don't be afraid to use jars of our over pasta sauce or ready made cheese sauce for pasta bake or macaroni cheese.

Definitely take some time out when they go to their dad. Give yourself a time that you will stop doing chored by (noon if they are due back at/after 6) and then have a leisurely lunch, read a mag, potter in the garden, go for a walk or watch a film on tv.

Can you afford to take some time off unpaid in the week occassionally? One or two days before the weekend can make all the difference and means you are on top of the chores and chilled out a bit by the time the weekend comes. Remember your WTC may go up a bit next year if you earn less than you forecast.

Take some time out to enjoy being with the dc too. Even if it's just a dvd and popcorn night at the weekend.

Be kind to yourself. You're really doing a fab job when you think about all that you do. Make sure the school etc know that!

Glad you had a better day. I was in a similar situation regarding the debts. I did exactly the same as you re-mortgaged paid the debts off and obviously the ex. I just wanted it sorted then I could move on. When the kids go try and and have an hour to yourself it will do you the world of good. Also when you go to school ask them what they suggest to help him get organised. Both my dc's schools have been brilliant although I'm nearly four years on now. Do you have a slow cooker?

I know it might be tricky to do but could they take responsibility for each other rather than themselves, and also a specific chore. Maybe the 6 year old remind the 12 year old about his books, the 10 year old maybe remind everyone about lunches and the 12 year old be responsible for making sure the other are washed, dressed etc in the morning.

I would speak to the school about the issues too and definately only iron the minimum - I have never ironed any school uniform ever, nor sheets etc - waste of time and doesn;t help the environment.

Easy and good food that is quick to prepare has been my motto (quorn is fab - mince for chilli, spag bog etc and the chunks for almost anything - straight out the freezer, cook and open a jar of sauce etc - done in 20-30 mins - time to do the veg and rice or pasta etc).

Rather than having a day for yourself which might be hard at the moment, try taking a few mins at a time and work thinsg from there.

You are doing brilliantly so far - kids fed, clean and the house livable in; look to the goods you are all doing and take small steps. Stay strong and feel free to PM me

I agree you're doing brilliantly. I have 2 DSs, similar ages to your eldest 2, I just about manage with the two of them (though it feels like walking a tightrope a lot of the time!), I couldn't with 3 and working as well - I'm FT and have a serious full on job too, which atm I struggle to do 9-5...

Things that have helped me:
The boys have been sorting washing since they were little into piles of darks, brights, lights and whites :). They can also work the washing machine (better than their father!) so I can ask them to sort a wash out, then all I have to do is hang it up to dry. I only iron if I have time, it's certainly not a regular thing.
DS2 goes to a childminder after school 3 days a week who feeds him, so that's 3 nights where I don't really need to cook - DS1 has a cooked meal at school, and I'm dieting so will have something quick and salad based. When I do cook in the week it will be pasta, rice - with quorn or just veggies. quick to cook and prepare.
During the week I do the bare minimum of housework, I then have a blitz on a Saturday morning (as boys are out for 2 hours at football). House is never spotless, but will do.
I expect boys to get their clothes and bags ready night before, and (if having a packed lunch) help me make it. They still forget stuff for school, but we do our best. Ds1 does no homework and is often late for school, but thats another thread....and frankly I think he'd be exactly the same if his dad still lived here.

Agree you should do something for yourself on a saturday - house-y stuff in the morning til 12 or 1, then the afternoon is entirely your own - do things like have a long bath/pampering session; meet friends for coffee or lunch; sit and relax at home with a glass of wine or big bar of chocolate, or whatever you fancy.