Repost on behalf of BurningBright

[whiteandnerdy]

REPOST ON BEHALF OF BURNINBRIGHT due to THREAD WITH NO SUBJECT BUG

Background: DD is almost five. Her father left when I was pregnant and had nothing to do with her (his choice) until two years ago, when he suddenly reappeared and expressed a wish to start seeing her. Despite my initial reservations, for DD's sake I facilitated this. So far it has worked out OK. We are civil towards one another and for the last eighteen months have met regularly and gone out all together. DD has a great time and is happy and well-adjusted to his presence in her life.

Issue: The length of time X spends with DD on his own has been increasing and last week I suggested that he have her at his house for a couple of hours without me being there for the first time.

He used this as an opportunity to introduce her to his new partner and her children without telling me first. He also made a point of keeping his new partner and her children hidden when I dropped DD off. DD was expecting it to be just her father and her together and was really excited about this, so the presence of other people left her very unsettled and confused.

I feel strongly that he should have told me that he was planning this so that I could prepare DD for the presence of others. I'm also a bit taken aback by the secrecy and hiding. I have no interest in his private life but I do have an interest in who is caring for my daughter. I don't entrust her to people I've never met. And if I were in this woman's position - meeting my new partner's child for the first time - I would want to meet the child's mother so that she could reassure herslf that I'm a responsible and pleasant person. The new partner is, presumably, a single mother too, so surely she would understand this.

It has taken a long time for me to feel that I can trust him with my daughter and I feel that that trust has been abused. I understand why he would want to introduce the people who are important to his child, but the way in which it has been done really bothers me.

So, am I overreacting?

And how should I approach the issue with him?

I don't think you are overreacting; I'd feel the same and am dreading it in the future.
Not sure how you should approach him though.

There are several aspects to the situation, some of them you are being unreasonable about (understandably) and some of them you are not.

The way he 'hid' his family is just plain weird & rude and if I was the woman I'd be cross about this. Is he ashamed? It shows a woeful lack of understanding about how children's little brains work as it is no surprise your DD was unsettled by the presence of others. You should send a concise email, text, or phone call if you can be sure to keep it breif - expressing that you realise when DD is with him it is his business who else is there but in future can DD please be made aware of roughly who will be present so that she knows what kind of day she will have. This is a rasonable request as even adults tell one another who will be present thereabouts if someone is coming to spend the day.

However, the bit about how she should have wanted to meet you ect ect takes it too far. I understand he was an alround useless shit for the first few years but over the past 2 years he has obviously redeemed himself and has shown himself to be trustworthy etc so it is really his business who he keeps company with. He has been seeing the woman for a length of time and has decided she is worthy. Who are you to make a judgement that either supports or rejects his decision based on a breif meeting in a hallway? She's hardly likely to emerge with a needle hanging out of her arm.

when the new woman in your child's life is merely a shadowy creature in the corner of your mind, it is always unerving. But don't worry, I'm sure a natural meeting will happen soon enough. I'm afriad you have no righ tto it though, and the woman isn't at fault.

Good luck with it all. keep your cool x

I'm afraid that you are mistaken and that you do entrust your dd to strangers you havent met before. You do this every time she goes to school. Ok so you have probably met her teacher, but you won't have personally met every staff member, teaching assistant, supply teacher, school nurse, office staff, lunch time and catering staff, janitor etc at the school. But you trust the school and the staff there to care for your dd while she is there and those you have met resure you that the others she will come into contact with will be ok too.

In the same way you must accept (and I know it isn't an easy thing to do) that her father can decide who he thinks is suitable for her to meet. Do you inform him every time you introduce her to your friends and other children? Would you expect to have to inform him and get his agreement every time you introduce her to a partnre or potential partner? Maybe you would. But that doesn't mean you can assume he would do the same and get angry if he doesn't see it the same way as you.

Yes it is completely understandable that you are upset. Lots of people would be and are when new partners and their children are introduced to the mix. But you can't expect him to change contact to be longer at your request but to keep his wider life separate still. Presumably you knew of this woman's existance and that at some point it was likely your dd would meet her. Had you discussed it with him at all or asked him to let you know when this might happen? If you didn't then you can't expect him to simply know or to realise that it might be an issue for you.

Maybe he didn't think it was a big deal. And maybe he knew you would object so didn't forewarn you. Whatever the reason it has happened now. Your dd has survived and will be ok with the right support and encouragement from you both.

I think possibly what is needed here is support for you in dealing with this. After all for 3 years you were the only person in her life. But now, by letting him in when he asked, you may well be feeling that you are losing control and that other people will be taking care of your baby and feeling your role is being userped in some way.
Yes this other woman may well take care of your dd when she is with her father. But you wouldn't object to her going to a friend's and that friend's mother taking care of her while there would you? So this issue is that it is your ex's new partner isn't it.

Your dd will be fine. Hopefully you sounded interested and asked happy sounding questions when she told you rather than got upset and allowed her to see that. If she thinks you onject or upset she'll pick up and play on that very quickly. There will only be an issue her with your dd if you allow there to be.

Thanks for replies.

There seems to be an assumption that I have a problem with him introducing her to new people. Truly not the case. I don't object. In fact, I fully understand that he might want to introduce DD to the people who are important to him. I even said so in the OP.

It's the fact that I wasn't able to tell DD that other people would be there and prevent her from being disappointed that it wasn't just her and her father that I object to. And I find the secrecy and hiding quite strange.

I don't entrust the care of my daughter to strangers. When she goes to nursery I am entrusting her to the care of professionals who have been trained and gone through all the necessary checks required. I'm very involved with her nursery and while I may not know them well, I do know all the staff. I fully intend to be very involved with her school, too.

And no, of course I wouldn't object to DD being in the care of her friends' mothers. But I wouldn't let her go to play at the house of a mother whom I'd never met.

Hope none of the above comes across as defensive, by the way. I'm genuinely appreciative of replies.

Would you let her go and play at the house of a mother you had met but a father/gran/grownup child you hadn't might be there too?

I think that although the effect was unfortunate (your daughter feeling a bit unsettled and disappointed) YABU to have expected her father to run it by you first. She was in her fathers care, not the care of his family.

If he had dropped her off at his new girlfriend's house and left, then you would not BU to be bothered about it.

I think it's reasonable to ask your DD's father to let you know if there are going to be other people there so you can warn her - she is only 4. ANd you can put it to him that it did upset her a litle because she simply wasn't expecting to meet anyone else that day.

But she wasnt going there to be in the sole care of his GF, he was there too. So it's like saying you wouldnt let your DD play at a friends house if you hadn't met her dad, who would be there as well as the mum who you had met.

having met the mum, and trusting her, you would presume that her husband was an alright person too... I should imagine.

I'm not being mean, I'm just trying to get you to see an alternative point of view that will hopefully stop you getting upset.

But I agree he shouldnt have informed you there would be others there so DD wasn't disappointed.