ex's new girlfriend is beginning to start trouble...

[juicychops]

my ds hasn't seen his dad for 5 years this month despite living 5 mins away. I see him around and about every now and then and if i have ds with me ds doesn't even recognise him, and his dad just completely blanks him and doesn't acknowledge him. after 5 years of this (ds is 6) this is how i want it to stay - ds dad having nothing to do with him until ds is old enough to understand everything that has gone on and to choose for himself if he wants to meet his dad.

anyway, ex has a new girlfriend - we'll call her 'Tash'. tash was seeing my ex before we were together and he got her pregnant. she was engaged at the time so had an abortion then continued with her marriage.

since then she's got divorced and her and ex have been together for about 4 months i think.
ex has another child from another girl who came after me - 'Ben'. Ex sees Ben regularly now but that is only a recent occurance as the mum had problems with ex.

Tash, Ex and Ben were all playing happy families round my ds's great aunt's house - she is the only one is ds's dad's family who have a relationship with ds. Tash was looking at photos of ds and said to the aunt 'isn't it about time 'ds' knows he has a brother?' and she said something about getting to know his dad too although i cant remember the wording she used. this was all from her, NOT from ex.

Its clear she enjoys playing happy families with ex and Ben and now wants to know the 'other child'. She probably knows NOTHING about everything that has gone on in the time leading up to ex deciding to have nothing to do with ds and i feel like she's going to start stiring up trouble for me now trying to get into ds's life.

the following day after she was at the aunts house i had a prank call. i said hello and they hung up. the next day it happened again although they waited quite a while before hanging up. im pretty sure it was her, i just have a feeling. it seems too much of a coincidence. the aunt said she was left in the house for 20 mins alone while everyone else was in the garden and the aunt's phone was on the side she could easily of got my phone number.

i feel like this is all going to blow up very soon and ds will be in the middle of it all.

Oh dear, this is a difficult one. I think the key here is that it's up to your son's dad whether he wants a relationship with your DS or not, not up to his girlfriend. If his dad approaches you with regard to contact, as he hasn't seen him for 5 years this will need introducing gradually, to make it easier for your son. I'd suggest contact under your supervision until your son is comfortable with his dad and then without you but with the dad only (not with gf, her child or ex's other son). Maybe introduce the gf a few months later (if she's still around - hardly has a good track record, does she?) and perhaps the other son a bit further down the line - and personally I feel at this point there would need to be a discussion between you and the other son's mother, as well as with your ex, to ensure you are all happy with your kids meeting each other. One thing that shouldn't happen is that your son goes from having no contact at all, to suddenly having contact with dad, gf, gf's son and Ben all at once, but obviously you know that. Does your son know about Ben? I really feel for you because my son's 'dad' (I use the term loosely) has 4 other kids that I know about and my DS currently doesn't know about any of them. It's very difficult, isn't it?

With regard to the calls, keep a diary of when the calls come, including the time down to the minute. That way if the situation escalates, you'll have details of what happened when. I understand how you feel that you're sure it's her - my intuition is very strong too. Does the great aunt know you received silent calls? Would she be willing to check her phone bill (assuming it's itemised) to see if they were made from her house? I'm assuming she hid the phone number by dialling 141 before your number but the bill will still show the calls.

Just seen that you'd prefer the dad not to have contact. In that case, if his dad gets in touch with regard to starting it up again, just discuss it with your DS to see if he wants to re-start seeing him again. I think at 6 his opinions have got to be listened to. However bear in mind that if he doesn't want to see him, the dad could go to court for access.

thanks for replying Kitty. My ds has asked questions about his dad in the past but never expressed an interest in meeting him. but im prepared for that to change in the future when he gets older.

he knows nothing about having a brother as i still think he's too young to understand why his dad sees his other son but not him. there isn't any point in telling him 'you have a brother but you cant see him'. Im sure its only a matter of time before he has ANOTHER half bro or sis

the calls were made the 2 consecutive days after the visit to the aunt so they wouldn't have been made from the aunt's phone. yes, they were withheld numbers so couldn't do 1471. i did make a record of the times and im half hoping they do happen again and that it is her cos then its just more ammunition i have against them incase she starts causing trouble.

i told the aunt about the calls cos i asked if she had my number lying around the house where they could have seen it. thats when she said its only in her phone which is left just lying around the house.

the aunt also cant stand the ex and girlfriend and has nothing really to do with the ex's other child. They turn up at her house every few months when its birthdays etc expecting money.

They sound lovely. You're doing the right thing keeping a log, and with regard to your son. Think you need to play it by ear really. Your ex might not want to start seeing your DS again, in which case you won't have to worry. But let us know if anything else comes up and we'll slag them off try to help.

thanks kitty i shall post if anything materialises. im sure if it does it will be her doing as opposed to his.

OK I don't know the back story here but is your XP abusive/dangerous or is he just a knob who goes round impregnating women and getting bored with them? And is the GF in question someone you know to be a bad person? It's just that I can see a woman who is maybe a bit naive, or well-meaning but officious, trying to get her DP to see all of his DC and build relationships with them, without any malicious intent - but I don't see how anyone who isn't nuts would thnk prank calls are the way to instigate this.

before me and ex were together she was our boss and she was nice. i got on with her well. i knew they had a close friendship but didn't let it bother me. soon after me and ex were together, her and her new husband moved away.

Ex was very abusive towards me throughout relationship and once we had split i contacted police about some of it. nothing happened through lack of evidence as i had left it so long to report. Im sure she doesn't know any of all this part of the story, or if she does, she prob doesn't believe it. another of his ex girlfriends - the mother of his other child reported abuse from him too but the charges were dropped when she didn't show up at court.

these are all reasons for not wanting ex to have anything to do with ds but also the fact that HE decided he didn't want anything to do with ds 5 years ago.

maybe she isn't doing it to be malicious, but she's doing it for self gain i bet so she can play happy families and force a relationship between ds and ex - which she will never make happen

So - your ex has a relationship with one of his children, encouraged by this person who he clearly has a long and complicated history with. A lot of people would see this as a good thing for a child. We can't tell why your ex has not maintained a relationship with your DS, but that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to now.

If he makes contact, if he agrees to a gradual build up in the relationship (I would suggest not supervised by you, as I think you have a lot of issues with this) then that may also be a good thing for your DS. But there are a lot of 'ifs' and you seem very upset about even the possibility of it? Seems a bit odd to say she will 'never' manage to get your ex to have a relationship with his son (almost like it is a challenge to you? rather than something that actually would be a more normal state of affairs)

It must have hurt you very much that your ex did not maintain a relationship with your DS but did see his other child, but it isn't about your feelings, it is about DS's rights. It sounds very child-centred to talk about waiting until DS is old enough to make his own choice, but it is an adult responsibility and if you wait until he is that old, he can't go back in time to have a relationship with his Dad (and he has a right to one).

Personally, I think the phrase 'happy families' is odious. It is a cheap, easy gibe at people in difficult circumstances trying to do their best for the chilred involved. What would you like separated and step parents to do - play 'unhappy families' ?

when my ex left me ds was 11 months old. It then took him 4 months to see him again, during which time i sent many letters to him through my solicitor to make contact regarding contact arrangements.

so, 4 months later hesaw him once, (ds was now just over 1) he had a girlfriend at the time. He pissed me about with visiting arangements cancelling, putting seeing his girlfriend first over planned arrangements, and even had a blazing row with me because i refused to hand ds over to his girlfriend who i had never even met because he was 'too tired' to come and get him himself.

he saw him once more a week later. He called me and left horrible texts on my phone for me to collect him early as he couldn't handle ds. when i collected ds, ex was in a pub with his mate and the reason he wanted me to pick ds up was because he wouldn't stop crying and it was ruining his time in the pub with his mate.

the following weekend he met me in the local park, said goodbye to ds and said he wanted nothing more to do with him from that moment, and as far as he was concerned he was just another 'bill' to pay. (i never received money after that either so had to go through csa - which also came to nothing)

4 months later he sent a letter to my solicitor saying he wanted to see ds on xxx date. i said he can see him on that date providing before hand he puts in writing a regular contact arrangement to follow as im not having him see ds for one odd day and thats it for another 4 months. he told me to stuff it and has never seen him since or made an attempt to see him.

he sees us in the street every now and then, and has done these whole 5 years he's been absent from his life, but he completely ignores ds as if he's a complete stranger. of course, he is a complete stranger to ds

After ex stopped seeing ds, ds was so clingy and very hard work. i saw for myself the damage ex caused to ds even at such a young age.

Never again will ex get the chance to hurt ds again. i dont trust him one little bit, and as far as i am concerned he is unfit to look after my ds. He went for about a year without seeing his other child until recently, and based on what i know about the mum its probably more down to the convenience as i know she recently got a new partner too.

This may all sound harsh to some but i have my reasons to do what i feel i must to protect ds. ex did NOTHING for ds even in that year we were together. didn't even feed him. Didn't get up a single night of his life to do a night feed and didn't come to the hospital when it was thought ds had meningitus because ex had a cut on his knee!!

He left ds in the pram in his garden when he returned him from a visit and didn't even let me know he was out there, he just left him and went.

i have many MANY more reasons as to why ex has no place in ds's life

Every child has the right to two decent parents. The father in this case clearly isn't. He abused the OP badly when he was with her and has shown zero interest in having a relationship with his son for 5 years.

What this child and his mum need is to feel happy and secure (I think having this man back in their life will be detrimental to that) and to have POSITIVE male role models.

Yes it is important for children to have their parents in their lives but not when they'll cause more harm than good.

All the luck juicychops...hope it all works out for you x

And breathe.

No one is doubting that you have your reasons and that protecting your DS is your first priority.

However, I stand by what I posted. Your initial post was not about the danger your ex posed to your boy, but seemed to be about the fact that his new girlfriend had shown an interest.

If your ex takes it to court (and he probably won't, given track record) but if he does, the court would not see your objections as a valid reason to prevent any kind of relationship between father and son.

It probably won't come to anything, though, and I hope you are worrying unnecessarily.

thanks for your responses - once i start on the topic of my ex i cant stop sometimes through anger!

one day hopefully we'll be able to move away from the area so that there is distance between us and ex too

OK, so there is some awful history - tbh I would just ignore this woman unless she keeps up with the stroppy phone calls, in which case inform the police that she is harassing you. Best of luck.

You don't know the new woman is making the calls.... You assume it.... This could be correct or not correct.

You do not know she is trying to interfere to get the joy of seeing your child. To be frank I'm know for most step mums (kinda roles) theyd happily not have to deal with this at all and have proper 1:1 relationship time with their partners. However, some recognize the importance of father and child relationships and she may be trying to ensure she is not the barrier to this.

Would you be happier if she was saying I hope my boyfriend never has anything to do with that child and I better never have to see it either.

'Would you be happier if she was saying I hope my boyfriend never has anything to do with that child and I better never have to see it either.'

Based on what the OP has written about her ex and the poor excuse of a father he has been, I'm sure she would much rather he fell into a deep hole and never surfaced again!

Maybe she would, but that doesn't mean the child would be better off, and that is what is meant to be the priority.

I was answering the question which I quoted. Yes, I presume she would be happier, but I'm not the OP.

I agree wholeheartedly with your statement balia, but it doesn't sound like the ex has ever made her son the priority, does it? I think the ex needs to want to make a change, and demonstrate that himself. It is no good the new gf making these decisions. What happens if/when they break up and he loses interest in his son again, is that fair? It seems safest if contact is started only when the ex takes the initiative. Op is looking out for the welfare of her child, who is her only priority.

How is she going to be able to tell that, though? Agree, ex is a fool and a selfish one, not to bother with his child. But OP no longer knows him - he may have grown up a bit, realised his mistakes, and with the support of his g/f, now wants to right the wrongs. Remember nothing at all has actually happened in terms of the OP and her son, this is all conjecture. But to say that the child should be denied the right to a relationship with a parent in case something might happen in the future isn't fair either.

I don't think there are sufficient welfare issues to say contact should be denied, and I don't really think OP believes it either, she's just as mad as hell about everything her DS has missed out on and who can blame her? That doesn't mean that it would be best for the child if he never knows his Dad and siblings.