He won't pick her up AGAIN!

[Lovemelillady]

It's now been 12 weeks since xp saw dd, and he's meant to have her this weekend for a long weekend until Monday. Because I won't drive halfway as I'm poorly, and told him he has to have her back by Monday (as arranged) and not Tuesday (as requested just now) as she has playgroup Tues am, he now won't have her.

I feel totally :( for her

How old is she?

Does she have to go to playgroup or is the time with her father better for her?

playgroup isnt compulsory though

She's 20m. That's the only playgroup we go to, but I see your point, time with XP is better for her, but I'm fed up of arranging contact only to have him change it, say he can't, now he can, my fault I won't drive so I'm begrudging him his contact.

so its not a playgroup or nursery? just a toddler group with you?

It's a playgroup, we go every week now. But as I have already said, I fully understand time with her dad is way more important.

My problem is he hasn't seen her for 3 months (his choice) and now he wants her for a week, a weekend, fri to mon, thurs to tues, can't have her, now he can. I've got no problems with him having her, I want him to have her. But flitting in and out will just confuse her.

3 months is a long time not to see your father at her age .

What FAB said - both your xp and DD will be lucky if she remembers him.

You need to be clear about contact, and he needs to be consistent.

I suggest you have a good think about what amount of contact would be fair and reasonable for both of you (the usual would be something like alternate weekends with a mid-week overnight every week), as well as what would work for your DD, which may be slightly less time with her Dad due to her age and until he has re-built a relationship with her. (but fgs don't say that last bit to him - tell him DD needs to get used to him again or something, or he'll just go and be more of a twat than he already is).

Once you've decided what you think would be reasonable, put in letter or email to him, just stating what you think would be best for DD and that if he's happy with that then to respond. State that if he's not happy, then the amount of contact is open to debate, and that future contact can be changed by mutual consent.

Make it clear that this will be best for DD - she will have good contact with him as she will grow to know when to expect him and so he'll get her at her best.

Good luck.

So am I right in thinking he's meant to be having her for a week from Mon-Mon? How far away does he live?

You may be better off getting a proper schedule in place through a solicitor, or this will happen constantly.

I don't think it is fair on the child to spend a week with someone she hasn't seen for 3 months.

He's so blase about the whole thing. Demanding he sees her for a week, then doesnt want to know her, then he wants a long weekend. Unfortunately there is a fair distance between us and I understand that causes a lot of problems. But he just cannot comprehend how this could all affect her.

I have since stopped all contact unless via email as I can't take the verbal manipulation I get. I've sent him a schedule of dates she will be available to her and I hate it as it makes her sound like a thing and not a little person. Already he has, again, cancelled this weekend, and wants her next weekend (already have plans to stay with my aunt) instead.

I'm fed up of it, at this rate she'll not know her arse from her elbow and everything that does get planned will be cancelled last minute. So fed up :(

I would give up on all contact with him and wait for him to contact you with definite plans.

My mother used to do this with me and drop me like a hot potato if she got a better offer.

Your baby is your priority but you know that. If you feel you can give her everything she needs then no father is better than one who is messing her around. She might not feel that way now but she will in the end.

It's just neverending. I so stressed, I can feel the anxiety racing round my body, which his not good as I have now been off antidepressants (for anxiety) for 3 weeks and I do not wish to go back onto them.

This week he has arranged contact, cancelled it, arranged it again, cancelled it again, and now with 24 hours notice, he thinks he might be able to have her. I've said a definitive no as I've had to take her to the docs and she's not well and is now on antibiotics. His response to this....? How is sitting in a car going to hurt her if she's ill!

I really am all over the place now. :(

OP, you've got another thread where your DD is having sleep problems too, am I right?

If so, no wonder the pair of you are all over the place, having to run round dealing with that deadbeat ex who's trying to get you both at his beck and call.

On the assumption that it is your DD that's having sleep problems, here's my tuppence:

Severly limit the amount of contact he can have with DD until such time as he can properly commit to that level of contact. Eg 3 - 4 hours one day each weekend.

She's very young still, and unless he can give consistent contact to her, then I fear that anything you do for her sleep problems will be undone by his twatting her (and you) about.

Ditch him having overnights.

At least until her sleep problems are alleviated and good sleep patterns / habits are established.

Is there a Dad's group on a Saturday or Sunday that he could have the contact at? Somewhere you can hand over DD to him, there's other people and kids around, and plenty of things for DD to do?

Perhaps find a Dad's group half way between you if he lives a really long way away, but bear in mind a court order would say you only have to make DD available for contact. It would be a very rare order that said you have to take DD half way or even take her to her Dad - the court assumes (quite rightly imo) that the NRP should make an effort to come and get the child(ren).

Just another thought - don't tell your DD that she is seeing daddy until he pulls up outside your house. Less chance of disappointment.

Yes, put your foot down with this knob. He is dicking you around for the sheer pleasure of dicking you around. Get an agreement drawn up of times when DD will be availalbe for contact and if he doesn't show up, tough shit. Document everything so if he decides (as knobs like this often do) that it would be even more fun to take you to court purely because that will cause you stress, you will be able to show that you have behaved reasonably and he has not.

Update : Things feel ok now. I think he has got over the "I hate you, you refuse access, are being [insert any offending word here]" saga and we have come to an agreement. I'm happy, he's happy. Sorted. Let's hope he keeps to his side of the bargain because he is at last chance saloon now and if he lets dd down again I will be taking everything last minute piece of information I have and getting some legal advice.

I feel the penny has finally dropped! Fingers crossed please!!

That is great! Fingers and toes crossed. You sounded so worn out before, but you sound really empowered and upbeat now. Long may it continue.

have one on me to celebrate.

TY balia, it is a massive relief that communication is now at an adult level. Looking forward to having a breather from it all. x