Ex won't see the children

[jufa]

My ex, who has moved 60+ miles away from me and the children back to where he grew up, has always made a big issue about driving back up to visit the children; the cost of fuel etc..He has gone through various times of depression which hasnt helped and not earning a lot, he is not the most content, positive and optimistic person. The bottom line is that when things arent going well for him he just wont see the children. My youngest who is 7 really struggles with his Dad's absence and gets very angry and upset when he cant see his Dad. Arrangements are made like for tomorrow (he should have been coming up to take them out) and I get a text this afternoon saying he is not coming up anymore as the kids dont call him and he is not doing 120 mile round trips each week anymore. (He is in lodgings so has no where for them to stay with him). The kids are now understandably very upset and what do i tell them? He has let them down many times and its only because they are pining for him that I bend over backwards to try to accomodate him, even letting him spend the day here in the house with them occasionally and I go out. He loves them I know and has always told them that but is quite capable of making them suffer and letting them down. I have looked into mediation, but to be honest how do you force a man to see his children?

any advice please?

Could you set up skype so they can talk to him via the PC regularly, is there anything else you can do to facilitate the trips for a few months so that he reconnects with them?

Look for those really cheap holiday inn type deals so he could have them overnight

We dont have a webcam but i could get one so they could skype with him. I have sent him travelodge emails when i get them with cheap offers, but its the old addage about leading a horse to water. He doesnt want to have to drive up here to fetch them but he chose to move out the area, and as i'm working only part-time to fit in the with the kids, money is tight for me so i dont feel i should have to take them to his neck of the woods. however i am not trying to win points or get the upper hand i just want them to get to see him; for him to prioritise seeing them

Feel for you jufa but not sure what to suggest, some men just don't seem to have a sense of responsibility or compassion, probably why they are our x.
Mine hasn't seen the children for 7 months,and then I took them to see him. He does phone occasionally.
I have tried suggesting he spend time with them in the school holidays, but I think holidays abroad with the new woman seem to be more important.
Its made me determined to be the best mummy I can despite being exhausted because I never get a break.
Good luck with your suggestions to him, how about camping now the weather is warming up?

Mpuddleduck, how do your kids manage not seeing their dad for so long? has it always been like this? my ex at least rang the kids most days and saw them for a few hours at the weekend bt now says he's not bothering any more. My 7 year old has major problems with missing his dad, screaming fits of 'I hate my life because i dont see my dad' perhaps because it was regualr contact and not he is withdrawing it. Its heartbreaking to watch him. I'm with you on being th e best mummy i can; they are my priority but being a good mum it hurts you that they are hurting. Have your kids just adapted and accpeted the situation?

Unfortunately it is not possible to make a selfish knobend behave like a reasonable human being. So it's probably best to shift your focus to helping your DC cope with the fact that their father is an arsehole, by explaining to them that some people are just not very good at being parents and (most impoortantly) that is is NOT the DC's fault and they are not unlovable.

Is there something this wretched man wants from you, Jufa? Is he trying to use the children to jerk you around so that you give him money or allow him to have sex on you again or something? Or is he really just lazy and selfish? If he is behaving like this in order to force some concession out of you don't give him what he wants. Or he will just do it again and again.

jufa, he left 2 years ago and has only seen them 7 times since then. The older one has had some behaivour problems and finds it hard to understand and dd does miss him, but they have been amazing, I'm not sure they accept the situation, but they are coping and most importantly they are happy.
Ds wrote a letter to his dad and didn't even get a reply, I said oh daddy's probably too busy at work. I find it really hard not to complain about him or tell them what I really think but don't because no matter what I think he is their dad (unfortunately).

Yes selfish is 100% right - he tells them he loves them yet dicks them around knowing they will be hurt and let down by saying he will see them on a day and then pulling out. now he just says he wont travel to see them as hes sick of it. I have always tried to perpetuate the myth to them think that their dad is a superhero as i dont want to damage their self esteem by letting them know that he has let them down and is not coming to see them AGAIN. Ive always covered and made out hes ill or had car trouble (not to protect him but their feelings of self worth). SpringchickenGoldBrass in answer to your question about getting what he wants...you are right that he knows that historically by threatening not to come see the kids I cant bear them being let down so have offered to chip in with fuel costs or let him see them in my house. I also know he has not moved on from our relationsip breakdown over 3 years ago and for quite a while hoped for a reconciliation but knows there is no hope of that or sex. This time I have offered nothing and youre right he will keep playing games if I come running with a concession of some sort but it is hard being asked mornig noon and night 'am i gonna see dad this weekend?' and not being able to give an answer.

mpuddleduck, i dont know how you do it. That is a disgrace your ex has only seen his kids 7 times in 2 years. Friends keep saying to me, your boys will know when theyre older what you did for them and how their dad let them down. I know that but i just want to limit the damage to them now and who they will be as adults as a result. I also know their father will have regrets when he's older but it will be too late then. I dont believe men are generally irresponsible regarding their kids as i know plenty of really good dads (and secretly im so jealous of friends who's partners are great dads) but these men just dont deserve children. I kep saying to myself, how did i come to make children with this individual?

I think you do need to start gently explaining to the DC that their dad is a selfish prick - obviously not in so many words, but by discussing how some people are unrelaible and not good at being parents, and that they can't help it, it's just the way they are.
And when you are dealing with Mr Selfish, be very calm and matter of fact, don't be drawn into discussions with him, in fact tell him that it's his choice whether he turns up or not: the best way to deal with attention-seeking knobbos like this is slightly contemptuous politeness.

That's exactly how I describe ds' dad, SGB, as 'unreliable', after barely seeing DS since he was left when ds was 13 months. You give good advice.

I've never spoken harshly of him towards ds, now 9, and he seems to have pretty high self esteem. When he is a teenager, I'm planning on giving more details of the reasons why we split but not until then.

thankyou for your advice SGB, I didnt think there was a middle ground between letting them think he's the best and slagging him off but your approach is defintely worth trying.

"he tells them he loves them yet dicks them around knowing they will be hurt and let down by saying he will see them on a day and then pulling out"

From all your posts, it just sounds like he's a bad dad. There's not much you can do about it, unfortunately. Just make sure your DCs know they are loved, and that you've never sought to place barriers in front of his visits - it's not you. As long as they know that, his behaviour will be remembered when they are older. You cannot make him into a good father. Unfortunately, some men are just shit dads. The horse/water comparison is definitely an apt one here.

What he says doesn't really matter if he just breaks his promises to them - I think that's the cruellest thing of all tbh.

My ex to be hasn't seen the children for over a month.

He lives on the opposite side of the same road.

20 seconds walk away.

He is ver ver busy with his partner planning a new life.

How do I explain that to my four year old?

The eldest child despises him for his behaviour unfortunately.

My dc haven't seen their dad since Christmas eve 2006. He is a total waste of space. He has made a lovely new life for himself, married and playing daddy to his 2 DSD.

In 2007 he got married, told the children by sending photos from the day a souvenirs from his 'family honeymoon to Disney in America. The photos are the only last visual memory they have (and she had turned him into a Chav!! Ha ha ha)! I occasionally wind him up ask for money for a school trip to which I get a barrage of abuse from new wife.
I've given up now, if he turned up wanting to see the dc u would tell him to -fuck off go away. He gave up his rights as dad over 5 years ago.
It's been hard, but it does get easier, the dc are well aware what a dick their dad is and have got used to him not being there.
What I do enjoy about it is that I dont have to share the dc. I have every Christmas, birthday, holiday - I do love that!

Sadly, some men shouldn't call themselves a father. Remember, his relationship with his dc is his responsibility, not yours. It does get easier - my Ds2 was a nightmare in the early days, but is now a reasonably settled young man with the occasional strop - although that might he a normal teenage thing!!

frgaaah, youre right, he is a shit dad and i cant make him into a good one. The oldest (11) is starting to get the idea. The youngest (4) still thinks dad can do no wrong and its not his fault. The latest text to my oldest son from the ex says that he is not phoning or seeing the kids as he is sick of being the 'bottom of the pile' after all their activities! Bear in mind this man chose to move 60 miles away from his kids so feels its too far to travel in the week. Naturally the kids have occasional birthday parties and sporting activities like football matches at the weekend and he resents that and instead of being proud and wanting to go watch his kids play a match like a NORMAL dad, he resents the time during his irregular visits being 'dictated' by these occasional activities which they as kids have a right to be involved in. Pure selfishness!

Theyremy biscuits, it is staggering that your ex lives in the same road and cant be arsed! Again, the utter selfishness of getting carried away with a new partner and leaving his reponsibilities to his kids behind. I take no comfort from not being alone with a selfish absent father to my kids, it is so sad and so damaging to our kids self esteem. Thanks for your reassurance Megmog2000, i just hope my kids end up reasonably settled too