the moment I had been dreading has happened..........when DD(age 11)realises what a total git her father is

9 replies

moomoo1967 · 12/05/2011 20:15

She asked today why she doesn't see her father.......I have tried not to discuss the worst moments of my relationship with him. But she realised today that although she isn't the only child whose parents have split up she is however the only child who doesn't see her father.
He left 9 years ago this year on Xmas eve, I had suffered alot during our relationship with him beating on me so was actually relieved. He left me for another woman.
As a result I didn't want to be around if he wanted to see her so told him to contact a solicitor and arrange supervised contact...... he never did that so has never really had any contact with her except when we have seen him out and about when usually he is drunk(in the daytimes, in town).
The last time we saw him was May 2010 when he asked to see her, she didn't want to and it was plain that she was scared of him because as far as she was concerned he is a stranger.
I have never had any money from him in all the time we have been split up. I just think its sad that she has realised that maybe he couldn't be bothered to see her. She still remembers him being violent to me and a ride home in a police car when he ran off with her one time. Not sure what I am expecting lol just wanted to offload

OP posts:

Newbabynewmum · 12/05/2011 20:19

I'm sure you've done such a good job and been such a good mum. I dread this point and my DD is only 7months old. Just be there for her, as I'm sure you are. You sound lovely xx

Original poster

moomoo1967 · 12/05/2011 20:23

thanks newbabynewmum, its been a damn hard slog. I think the thing she hates most at the moment is not having alot of money to do stuff with her friends. Its not even as if I can cut down on much, I never go out lol and don't smoke or drink much

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MotherPanda · 12/05/2011 20:31

It doesn't sound like she's interested in getting to know him, but you should try to tell her anything she wants to know - dont be vindictive, but dont make him fluffy either. The topic of my dad was strictly taboo in my house - he left when i was a baby, so when i finally got in touch with him a few years ago i knew nothing about his past, and it was a shock to learn that he is a horrible man who i was better off without knowing

Do you wish he was in contact? (or at least paid his way?)

Original poster

moomoo1967 · 12/05/2011 20:38

To be truthful MotherPanda I honestly honestly think that she is better off without him. He is a very insecure, controlling person so I dread to think what he would teach her if he had any contact with him.
The money is not the point as I would just lose out on some of the money I get now(even though I work) but I think that he should at least want to support his child. The other sad thing is that she has 3 other brothers/sisters that she doesn't really know. I have tried on FB for them but no luck, one lives about 11miles away and the other two I know moved to Wolverhampton last year. Just sad that she may never get to know them.

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Newbabynewmum · 12/05/2011 20:43

I know that feeling. every penny goes on my DD (or blummin solicitors fees now) - trust me though when she's older she'll realise everything you did for her and all you gave up for her. Although I'm sure it is tough now for her, you will both get through it. I definitely agree that answering some of her questions (even if just a bit) is a good idea. Just keep the conversation open so she knows that she can ask about her dad when she wants and you won't get cross etc. Hard work. And not much thanks yet. Keep on plugging away x

MotherPanda · 12/05/2011 20:49

I think the way the internet works now, maybe when she's older she can get in touch with her siblings if she wants to - don't feel its your burden, or that she's losing out in some way.

It is sad, but i think you're doing everything right.

Original poster

moomoo1967 · 12/05/2011 20:50

thanks again for your replies.....newbabynewmum at least I don't have the solicitors fees.....he never even had parental responsability

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balia · 13/05/2011 18:17

Is it worth just double checking the money situation? I think the rules changed about maintenance money fairly recently, didn't they? I went to the CSA after 6 years of excuses and they were great - and I put all the money into a savings account for DD (uni fund, I hope). It's her money, she's entitled to it.

catinthehat2 · 13/05/2011 18:27

"I have tried on FB for them but no luck, one lives about 11miles away and the other two I know moved to Wolverhampton last year. Just sad that she may never get to know them."

she's only 11, the way the world communicates now means she can get in touch if she wishes later on , no problem

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