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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

leaving teenager alone whilst going on holiday for a week

53 replies

ladydeedy · 12/05/2011 14:14

just heard today that my DH's exw has gone on holiday for a week leaving my DH's oldest boy at home alone. He is 16 and has exams next week.
Are we over-reacting at not being made aware he was going to be left alone (I think the first he heard of it was two days ago). So not only is he going to have to look after himself, cook meals and get himself to school, etc but he'll also have to make sure he's ready and prepped for exams, get himself up for school in time for the bus, make sure he has everything he needs, etc.
I know he should be pretty responsible at that age but even so, I'm surprised she didnt at least let us know she was going to be away when he needs a bit of extra support at this crucial time.

OP posts:

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noddyholder · 12/05/2011 16:13

Thank god he has you! I wish he would live with you too I can't help but feel for him as my ds is 17 and so bloody lucky!

Original poster

ladydeedy · 12/05/2011 16:32

Thanks noddy - we would love him to come and live with us but there are some barriers.

he actually enjoyed the relative "freedom" of living where there are few boundaries/rules

he said if he were to leave, like his brother did, she would "most likely kill herself as would have nothing to live for". She has (unfortunately) relied more and more on him emotionally since his sibling moved out.

she already went ballistic at the fact that she no longer receives maintenance or CB for the other son who now lives with us - if she actually had to pay maintenance herself to my DH she would self-combust!

i think we can only do our best for him for now and see what happens when he goes to Uni (if he ever gets there - unlikely at this rate!).

OP posts:

MABS · 12/05/2011 16:48

really don't think appropriate that he left alone at exam time

pickyourbrain · 13/05/2011 09:19

She sounds ridiculous. Funny how ^he6 cant go out because she'd be lonely... but she can go away for a week when he has exams coming up.. I trust that you would have had him for the week and she knows this? Why didnt she ask?

However, I moved out at 16 so I don't think the leaving him alone is a bad thing to do.

Original poster

ladydeedy · 13/05/2011 10:24

morning. Yes of course we would definitely have had him to stay. Unfortunately we are not around ourselves for part of the time she is away. She didnt ask as she wont ask my DH for anything (apart from more money); and if he ever asks for anything (like can we take him on holiday?) she delights in making it the most difficult drawn out thing ever and will say "maybe, i dont know yet, I'll let you know the month before..." etc etc... She is beyond ridiculous...
He told me last night he has decided to invite all his friends round for a party over the weekend. At least he is going to enjoy himself..!

OP posts:

pickyourbrain · 13/05/2011 10:56

Eeek - an unsupervised house party... This could be just the lesson she needs

pickyourbrain · 13/05/2011 10:57

Although, you'll probably be blamed for not stopping him if the house gets trashed

(I have a badge in damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-dont step parenting)

MollieO · 13/05/2011 11:20

Aren't there any grandparents he could stay with whilst you are away? Surely he can come and stay with you? If that isn't an option could you go round and cook him dinner and help him sort out what he needs for the next day? Does he have school friends he could stay with?

Original poster

ladydeedy · 13/05/2011 11:48

He has a grandmother nearby (his mum's mum) - she had no idea her daughter was going away (daughter does not speak to her and prevents any contact with the grandchildren if she can). DH and I are going away as soon as he get back from business trip later this weekend as we have a funeral to go to (over two days, due to distance). The grandmother is looking after the son that lives with us though, whilst we go as we are on good terms with her. In theory she would also love to look after the other one but it will cause WW3 when the daughter (i.e. the one who's gone on holiday - sorry for confusion!) finds out, for all concerned.

If we interfere with plans that she has made for the boy that lives with her (i.e. the plan being that she decide to leave him alone) she'll go ballistic. I brought him over for dinner last night though and think he was pretty pleased. Not sure what else I should do other than leave him to it now, and hope he has a bloody brilliant time at the weekend!

OP posts:

MollieO · 13/05/2011 12:42

If he has money, food and contact details for someone close by then he should be ok for the weekend but he needs more support during the week IMO. Could you go over every evening when you're back to do dinner etc?

mumblechum1 · 13/05/2011 12:46

Am feeling a bit guilty now because dh and I are going away for a long weekend during the GCSE season, & ds will have to get himself off to an exam on the Monday morning after being home alone since the Friday.

He'll have lots of food & cash for taxis, though, and his mate's mum up the road has promised to take him under her wing if necessary.

I agree it would be better for OP's dss to have someone on hand for emergencies.

Maryz · 13/05/2011 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

ladydeedy · 13/05/2011 14:32

I dont care if she goes mad at us but she will take it out on him, that's for sure. I have arranged for a food delivery fo him and given him money (she left him neither) and invited him over tonight.
I actually feel cross at her more than anything at this point. Probably illogical but this really tops most other things she has done - except perhaps the time she waited till we had both boys for a week at Christmas as arranged well in advance, and we were due to return them on 30th (DH and I were due to go abroad for New Year). She sent DH a text saying she was at the airport, about to get on plane to go on holiday for 3 weeks and so we'd have to have them and could we tell them she'd see them when she got back in January! I kid you not.

OP posts:

pickyourbrain · 13/05/2011 15:13

Jesus. Christ.

Acanthus · 13/05/2011 16:53

Yes I think the funeral may have to go, for one of you at least

Original poster

ladydeedy · 13/05/2011 18:11

Neither my DH or I plan to miss the funeral to compensate for the fact that the mother has behaved selfishly and thoughtlessly (again). Otherwise she will see it as supporting her actions. We will ask the grandma to step in. Where needed.

OP posts:

Maryz · 13/05/2011 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sharbie · 13/05/2011 18:27

not nice really to be left - my ds would struggle esp with exams etc

igggi · 13/05/2011 18:33

My parents regularly went away in their caravan, from 15+ I didn't want to go with them so they went alone.
I remember they were away during some of my A-Levels.

My point is that being left alone is not in itself a bad thing (I enjoyed it) and check it's not your difficult relationship with the ex that makes you think that. If the boy is unhappy about it, that's quite a different thing though and would be wrong to be left in that case.
Perhaps if the mother is so negative it will be better for the lad to be on his own.

Smum99 · 13/05/2011 18:41

I can't imagine leaving my DCs around exam time. I think it's more than the physical support but the emotional support that a parent offers. It's also about sending the message to the Dcs that you value their education.

I do think your DH might have an active role in this - if the mother is so selfish then I think he needs to backfill. Its not about letting her off but making sure his son is supported.

MollieO · 13/05/2011 23:52

If it were me I would be doing whatever is right for the child, irrespective of how his mother has behaved. If you think your dss can be best supported by your absence then so be it. It seems a rather odd decision to me and more about punishing the delinquency of your dss's mother when in fact the o my person you will be punishing is a completely innocent child.

MollieO · 13/05/2011 23:53

'only' not 'o my'

FeelingOld · 14/05/2011 09:22

Well my daugher is doing her GCSEs at the moment and no way would i go away and leave her (not sure i would go away at anytime and leave her just yet). She is confident and totally capable and sticks to her revision timetable without any prompting from me but i am here to make sure she gets plenty of drinks and snacks while working and i like to make sure she takes breaks. I also want to be here to wish her good luck when she goes out the door in a morning and ask her how she did in her exams when she gets home. I am also her should she miss the school bus or for something else that could go wrong and affect her taking her exams, however unlikely this might be.

If i were in your situation OP personally i would go to the funeral to 'represent' you and DH and get your DH to stay home and support his son. You can not punish Dss for what his mother has done and DH missing the funeral is not condoning what she has done its just supporting his son which they both should be doing.

Original poster

ladydeedy · 14/05/2011 11:40

it is my DH's sister that has died and whose funeral we will be attending. She was a good friend to me too. Neither of us is "punishing" DS1 by going to the funeral. Exw knew we were going to be away for the funeral as DS2 (who lives with us) asked if he could stay with her whilst we were away for it. She said no, he wasnt welcome. Then just a couple of days later she booked the holiday to go away.

DS2 as a consequence is staying with his grandma (i.e. his mum's mum). We have asked her to keep an eye on DS1 too and make sure he is ok whilst we are away. We are doing what we can in the meantime (I mean I am doing what I can as DH is flying back from New Zealand where he has been working the last two weeks and therefore there's not been much he can practically do to assist).

OP posts:

Maryz · 14/05/2011 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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