Ex has really played a blinder this time! Advice please?

[mummytowillow]

Things between us are frosty to say the least! He is a good dad and my daughter adores him.

BUT he hasn't been to see her for over six weeks now, (he lives 300 miles away). I know I moved her away, but he could have stopped us going, but chose not to! Anyway, he told me he couldn't afford to come until the next bank holiday weekend as his car 'needs work'?

I can handle this, but he slipped up and text me to tell me he has got a last minute holiday deal abroad and is going away next week! But would have his mobile on! Now I know everyone deserves a holiday, but AIBU to think this is just wrong!

I never know when he is coming to see her, as he knows I alway agree, even at short notice that he can have her. Basically if he wants to see her, he can, I never stop him, its not her fault this has happened so I don't see the point in making things difficult?

However, he is being unreliable, so I'm thinking of getting something official? Is it a contact order he needs? Who applies me or him? And do we need to get solicitors involved (I can't afford one, but don't get legal aid)

He earns good money, has no debts, and he once told me he has £750 to himself a month after he's paid his bills, thats alot of money!

I know I've moaned about this before, but thought it had got better! Clearly not, any advice please ..

he would need to apply.....but even so,no court in the land can force him to take the contact

I'm in a very similar situation mummyto. Unfortunately, as I have now gathered, you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink. My xp wants dd, then he doesn't, he's skint so cant afford to come see her, then he's going on holiday. It's such a shame but unfortunately all you can do is the best for your dd.

Can I ask what you do regarding contact being so far away? How does he get to you? How long does your dd go for? How old is dd?

oh and as for a contact order, it is his responsibility and I don't think the courts do much about Fathers being unrealiable, they are more involved with mums who do not let dads see their kids.

Don't you think it's a bit ironic though?

Move 300 miles away and then complain he's not reliable.

Are you getting child support from him? If he can afford to run a car and take holidays abroad then he should be paying support.

By the way, if he doesn't bother to see his daughter for weeks at a time and is unreliable about turning up ,then he is not a 'good dad'.

That's not how 'good dads' behave.

He needs to understand that messing your daughter around on contact will have a negative effect on her and he should make a big effort to be more consistent for his daughter's sake.

are you really saying "he chose to let me go"?!

maybe he thought that stopping oyu moving away would result in a huge breakdown in communication between you?

if you were that ambivalent about moving away - why did you?

but I agree - bit rich to move 300 miles away, and then complain he isn't down every week.

I agree you shouldn't be moaning about irregular contact after you moved 300 miles away. Why on earth was it his responsibility to stop you? [Confused] surely it was your responsibility not to move his child 300 miles away.

If you chose to move and if he had contact prior to that move, did you not consider the reasonable thing for you to do would be arrange regular times that you would return your dd for contact with her father?

I moan about irregular contact and I moved dd back home 150ish miles. There are now so many excuses as to why he cant see dd, cant travel, no money etc. It gets beyond a joke. I do think every other weekend for a 600 mile round trip is excessive, can't you agree for a monthly routine instead?

It does have to be regular though, as people have pointed out to me on here, irregular contact is confusing and possibly damaging to dc. Can you let your frostiness go (on both parts), for the sake of your dc and try and work together to keep it a constant agreement?

I think before you look into court action, try to arrange some mediation to be able to rationally discuss what your child needs, and how you two are going to provide it. once a descision has been made you must monitor whether he is sticking to his part (and that you are) and you may well need to go back,or try a different tack if you are unable to communicate without showdowns. Remember that your childs needs and you and your exp's situation will change so review the contact arrangement on a fairly regular basis.

I set up a webcam chat for my ds's when their father moved to the other side of the world. (he only bothered to actually use it a couple of times over the year however)
i think it could be good way of maintaining contact between actual visits,if the XP is prepared to stick to the routine of it (as with any contact arrangement) it may be something worth considering, but obv is not a substitute for regular contact
I have never been able to solve the riddle of getting my ds's dad to actually commit to his children. i have realised now that whenever i contact him to discuss anything i am met with abuse. All i have done by reminding him/pushing him to see his kids is antagonize him and allow him to abuse me.

hope my thoughts help :)

Don't really understand what is 'wrong' with going on holiday? The actual problem seems to be the irregularity of the contact visits and TBF, I think you are responsible for at least half the travel. You don't say how old your DD is, but a 600 mile round trip in a weekend! I'd be hesitant about taking a child on a journey of that length, it must be a nightmare. They must spend all their time driving.

No court order in the land will 'make' him more reliable wrt contact. There are no sanctions I have ever heard of IRL if the NRP chooses not to bother for a while.
OTOH, If you have a contact order set up through the court, and your XP breaches this order repeatedly, perhaps doesn't see your DD for 6 months, when he eventually shows up, are you going to just wave your DD off?

Sorry, I haven't explained things!

We both lived in Kent, I had PND, he couldn't cope, left 3 times, came back, I found out he'd got himself a 'friend'! I wanted counselling etc, he wasn't interested. Said he wanted a divorce, I asked begged him to work things out, no joy

I grew up in the North West, only moved down there to work, but married him had dd (4). There was no way I could afford to live on my own, run house, work etc down south on my own, so yes I moved my daughter 300 miles away, however I needed the support as all my family and friends are up here? Even his parents who I get on with, lived 2 hours away from our home, so no local support there either?

He does come to see her once a month, I'm happy with that, she's OK with that, but by the next time he comes up it will be nearly two months since he's seen her. I have done my fair shair of taking her down there for long weekends etc.

What has upset me is the lying, I said everyone deserves a holiday, but to lie and say your skint, your cars on the blink so can't come to see your daughter, but find the cash to go on holiday doesn't seem right to me!

Yes I move her away, but my life would have been miserable down there, I needed support so that is why I moved. I have never doubted its painful for him not to see her all the time, however, he chose all this not me!

I never know when he is coming to see her and he will a couple of days before, just say he can't come, I work weekends so plan around him, which then makes things difficult!

Well that does make things a little clearer.

I think you need to be firm and say that contact needs to be regular as it is disruptive for dd not knowing when she will see her Dad. Tell him It will also give him the chance to plan his finances and save so that he doesn't miss out on seeing his dd.

You can then plan and organise your life more easily, but personally I wouldn't throw that in as a reason as it sounds like your making it about you, don't give him a chance to throw it back at you!

Once every 4 weeks maybe? Does she stay overnight at his?

You could alternate the travelling so you each do it once every two months or agree that he picks dd up on the friday and you collect on the sunday. That would be my preference. If he is doing the pick up then he has to make the effort and you know you wont be left stuck on the Sunday if he says he has no money to bring her home.

I would plan the next 12 months now so everyone knows what weekends are contact weekends, write it all down, make sure you both have a copy.

Be strong and stick to the routine. If he doesn't turn up, say you have plans for the next few weeks and 'his' weekend is the next planned one. It sounds tough but I bet it wont be long before he realises you wont take his excuses any more.

Obviously there is room for negotiation for birthdays/holidays etc but be firm to start with and I believe you will have a more workable and amicable situation in the long run. You will also know you did a good job of ensuring your dd had ample opportunities for contact with her dad whether he took them or not.

You may run the risk that he does the opposite and he does not stick to the agreed contact and it reduces but that's what seems to be happening now anyway so you don't have anything to lose by giving it a go.

I have been dealing with contact for years and believe me when I say I've heard every excuse in the book as to why the nrp couldn't turn up to contact! We have 5 dc's. I have a ds who has contact with his dad, a dss who has contact with his Mum and a dsd whom we have contact with, plus 2 other dc's so contact is a military operation! We've tried flexible and strict routines and a good, planned routine for contact is the only way to give the best chance of our dc's having their contact with the nrp (particularly the flaky ones!)

Good luck!

So stop planning round him. Carry on your life as it suits you. If he wants to come and visit DD, then he can phone and ask if it's convenient. If not, say so and tell him when it is.
Agree it's a bit about the holiday though.