Mediation

[Newbabynewmum]

hiya. Has anyone done mediation with their ex?

Some of you probably remember he is violent, abusive, drug taking & hasn't been bothered for the past 6mo about sporadic contact with our 7mo DD. After 3 sessions at a contact centre he has now got a solicitor and wants to do mediation.

Am I right in thinking I can go to mediation but just say no to him? It's my choice? Then he would have to take me to court to gain more access than is currently agreed?

I am very worried. Sorry. I just (like everyone) worry about him having unsupervised access.

And me and my DD have huge stinking colds. It's times like these when I feel quite lonely. Eventhough I've been doing so well up until now.

Thanks in advance x

His Solicitor HAS to refer you both to mediation - there is no choice inthe matter.

When the mediator phones you explain that he was violent to you and the mediator may deem it not suitable to proceed

As far as i understand, if there is a history of domestic abuse, then mediation is not considered appropriate- certainly in the paperwork that i read about mediation, it said that they would not consider cases where dv was or had been involved.
Do you have a solicitor- if so, perhaps you could speak to them for advice- dont let him bully you into something that you are not comfortable with- there may be another way of sorting this without direct contact with him.
Another thought- the other day i spoke to a free helpline provided by Rights of Women- they give advice on all sorts of matter, including domestic abuse- it might be worth trying them- they have a website with their helpline number on it-
Take care.

My ex was a mean controlling bully and right at the end of 2 and 1/2 years procrastinating and not answering phone calls and letters he asked for mediation about 5 weeks before court. I asked on here what I should do and ended up going for it.

It was an experience! Very intense and focussed on getting a result. There were two mediators, both lawyers, both women actually. We had 3 sessions and each one was 4 hours long without a break! I was an emotional wreck afterwards. If you feel upto it it might be a good thing to do, you can certainly get more things sorted than you can in court. They get you to arrive and depart separately and are excellent at defusing situations. You can agree something whilst there and then afterwards change your mind; nothing is set in stone.

As far as I know there would be no pressure on you to do the mediation if he has been violent though.

Good luck xx

I do have a solicitor. I will be ringing her first thing tomorrow.

My only problem is I want the arrangements to be as they are. We have done 3 1hr sessions at the contact centre. After my ex asking it is increasing to 1 1/2hrs next time.

So I have increased the time - we haven't even started the new arrangements he's already changing the "rules" again & asking for mediation.

I suppose my question is is there any point in mediation when I'm not willing to give any more? My DD has never had routine & stability, my exp is always moving the goal posts. Due to his behaviour at the moment there is simply no way he is having unsupervised access.

So yes, if I won't give anymore then isn't mediation a pointless costly expense?

Thank you all. It's helpful to talk to people who know about the process x

If your XP is abusive and not always reliable the mediation officer will hopefully suss him out and give him a stern talking too.

When I went with XP the officer made it quite clear the meeting was all for the benefit of the children. XP was refusing to be flexible with regards to childrens parties / family visits and starting to rant, after a few minutes she got pretty harsh with him, told him she wasn't prepared to work with him and asked him to leave. It was actually a relief seeing him behave like a cock in front of other people. Haven't seen him since, thank God.

I'm not sure how asking for mediation is changing the rules? Hopefully it is a positive step. If you are worried about unsupervised access this gives you an opportunity to discuss your concerns.

you could see it as an opportunity to push your views - that it is too soon for unsupervised, that you want evidence of his commitment to DD and commitment to no drugs etc; you could also discuss moving on from contact centre eg another third party supervising that you both agree to.

if he rants hopfeully the mediator will stop him.

if it isnt sucessful because of his behaviour hopfeully that will be recorded too

mumsiepie - that sounds good though! who paid for the sessions and how much were they ? who chose the mediators? and why were there two?

Cestlavielife - thanks. Lots of your questions I'd be interested to know the answers to!

I suppose my only other question is at the end of mediation does the mediator make a decision? Or is it mine and my ex's decision. I just don't see how we are going to agree that is all. And I have a massive worry as infront of other people he's a lovely charming professional man. But he's not.

Newbabynewmum, I was worried too about him seeming plausible in front of others but actually within a short space of time it was evident he was a bit mad! Certainly it would have showed during all that time!

They are really professional and don't take sides and don't let it all deteriorate into a blaming session they are only foccussed on a result. I think there were two of them because it is so intense and I suppose could escalate. It did seem as though one was asking questions of ex on my behalf and the other one of me although that was never explained to us.

The sessions were £200 an hour but still worked out much cheaper than going to court. My solicitor said in the beginning of mediation that we would each pay for 3 hours and after that my ex would have to pay as he was the one pushing for mediation and over the 2 years he had refused to discuss when we wanted to. Also, because he talks a lot ....

None of us expected it to go on so long.

We spent a long time on contact because I wont let him have them over night and also being early teens I didn't think I should be forcing them to go if they don't want to. He can't cope with them and uses bizarre and cruel punishments. At least if it is during the day I know they can just come home as we are round the corner. He is in the family home at the moment and we are going to move back in. He says he is going to move into his Dads garage which is a tiny single one on the roadside about 50 yards away from us. Seeing as he wont have a toilet or running water in the garage if the neighbours dont report him to the council I will. The thought of my kids walking past the garage and him having the door open sitting in his rocking chair!! I wish he would move away.

Good luck and hope it goes well whatever happens, it worked for me but i know it wouldn't for everyone. xx

By the way, the mediator doesn't make a decision it has to be something you both do together and in reality for me it was much easier than I thought. If he is lovely, charming and professional then he might feel he cant act in an obstructive way......maybe!!

Thanks so much. I'm going to go for the mediation. I'm hoping that it might make my delusional ex realise on black and White what he actually did and why he can't have our DD unsupervised. My solicitor said I don't have to pay for it either which is a relief. Just see how it goes!