Worried about overnights starting - can someone reassure me?

[MonkeyandParrot]

My ex has asked to have DD1- 2 years 8 months - overnight once a month at my house (his flatmate is a drunk). He has been reluctant to stay at mine because it will feel odd but has finally decided he wants to see his kids more than sulk that i left him. However, DD1 is a very reluctant sleeper. She won't go to bed without a very structured routine (i've tried the odd time to jump bits and she howls) and still wakes once or twice a night. When she wakes, she joins me and sleeps in with me and DD2. Although my ex and i were together for 18 months of her life he has never put her to bed and she has seen him once or twice a month in the past year and is unsure of him.

As i was worried, my dad offered to put DD1 to bed to see how she reacted. She screamed for 45 mins, fell asleep for about an hour then woke up screaming for me and which point dad contacted me. Now Grandpa has them two days a week and she adores him. So what is she going to be like with her dad whom she barely knows? Am I worrying over nothing? And is there anyway i can make it easier? I can't sleep train her as DD2 breastfeeds most of the night. Thanks

The first few contacts will probably be a bit tough for both DD1 & your ex but they'll get used to it. There's no reason to prevent contact just because your DD cries. Without meaning to be rude, toddlers cry at everything.

My Stepson cried all the way home today as I didn't turn up with a buggy and wailed his heart out because I only had strawberry yogurt. He's 4!

Usually I say its a bad idea to let your ex into your home without you there as they have a tendancy to snoop. I know mine did! But given you seem to be open to the idea and if he has nowhere else to have DD then its probably the lesser of the two evils. And it also means you accept his involvement in their lives is important. Therefore the odd bit of crying is a small price to pay.

The other way to look at it is that he can see what you go through on a daily basis. Childcare is tough but rewarding. There's no reason your ex shouldn't enjoy both the highs and lows too.

I'm facing this also. I'm hoping that my DD2.5 will be staying overnight with me for the first time this weekend. On the one hand I'm overjoyed at the prospect of her finally coming to stay overnight with me, but I'm prepared for some tears. Although I do see her a fair bit.

My XP has been quite reluctant to let this happen for no particular reason, but she's come round to it and has been supportive recently in making a few visits with DD to my house.

But I agree if she's not that familiar with Dad it may require a bit of preparation rather than an unfamiliar face appearing in the night ( where will you be ? ) . And there is of course a whole load of nightime parenting that Dad may not be aware of.

I think the key is to show your XP that you are supportive of the idea, but that it does need some lead up and effort on his part.

And I agree with Niceguy about the snooping. Put passwords locks on your computer etc.

Thanks - I am open to this (it was actually my suggestion to use my house as his flat is unsuitable, like I said he's just been reluctant) and if nothing else a night with just one child would be bliss. I'm going to my folks - about an hour on public transport but they have agreed to drive (30 mins) me home if eveything goes to pot - because I've got the baby.
And I was worried about snooping - would I be unreasonable to lock my room? He would have to sleep on the sofa bed buts its very comfortable and I have most of my personal stuff in my room.
Also how does the child react? After Grandpa attepted overnight she regressed back to needing a dummy, it took a week to re settle her in her own bed without hours of sobbing that mummy was going and she got very very clingy. Is this normal? Should i just be prepared for it? Or is there a way I can lessen it?
Last question (honest) - he wants me to put her to bed, him arrive when she's asleep then me leave. I think he needs to put her to bed so shes is aware its daddy not mummy on night duty. But am I being unreasonable?

Sorry theres so many questions. I just want to do the best for my DDs and don't want to get this wrong

Well my first response is, what is the bloody point then? If you put her to bed then you only leave whilst she's asleep then he's not being a dad but an unpaid babysitter. This has absolutely no value to him or to his daughter.

I'd tell him to forget it then if that's his attitude. He is not doing you a favour by allowing you to go out whilst he babysits for a night then tell everyone what a great dad he is, when in actual fact all he did was sit at your place watching TV and trying to secretly go through your stuff. The idea is that he spends a little quality time with his daughter. Getting to know her, so she knows him.

As for her possibly getting clingy etc. Kids are incredibly perceptive. If you make it into a big deal, they will too. If you treat it as a fun thing, no biggie then she'll be fine. If she's clingy it's because she's too used to you being there all the time and that's not healthy for either of you.

At the end of the day crying for a toddler is perfectly normal. It's designed to make you feel guilty but you don't see adults walking around saying "If only my mum hadn't left me with my dad for 1 night a week then I wouldn't have needed therapy!". Honestly without meaning to dismiss your concerns, it's really not a big deal and it's only as big a deal as you make it out to be.

agree with what was said - so she cried? so what!! thats what toddlers do. change of routine - well she wont get used to anyone else if they not given the chance.

if dad wants to be dad he puts ehr to bed and deals with the crying. first night there will be lots-second night even more but third night will be fine.

ride it out.

tho id o think beter she gets sued from day one fo overnights at HIS place -cant he get rid of flat mate for the night?

gets used to

Yeah, I agree about the flat mate. Although I guess that brings up the issue of how child friendly his place is.

As for snooping, I wouldn't lock your door, but I would just make sure anything important is moved somewhere safe.

If you have a computer at home maybe set up a new user for him. Then you can have a look at what he's been doing