Struggling with x visiting the kids at my house every fortnight advice anyone?

[Maybee]

I split with my x in October when he cheated on me. Eventually he moved out but came to see the ds during the week and every weekend in the house. I moved back to Ireland (from Scotland) to be closer to family. he has been coming over to see the boys every two weeks and as he stays in a youth hostel he has to spend most of the time in my house. This is driving me nuts - he is still prone to tantrums when he doesn't get his way and has had a few in my house. Last time after spending the day wandering around to get away from him, I told him visits once a fortnight weren't sustainable and that he'd have to get sc accommodation where the kids could go and be with him. he stormed out in a rage. He says he cannot afford better accomodation yet has just returned from 2 weeks in Canada and a break in Italy. I want to do what is best for the kids but also need to hang on to my sanity here. Is anyone out there in a similar situation? My ds are 1, 3 and 8 so too young to travel and stay with him yet.

Ok... I would start by saying that you have been one of the very few mums who has managed to move to another country after divorce and take her children with her when the nrp still wants contact. So, just for that point alone, feel grateful.

As for the contact taking place in your house, I would much rather have my ex pestering me at my own house than having my children flying into another country regularly to have contact with his dad. Do you have a residence order in your favour yet? If not... get it soon, because if you don't, sending the children back to his dad may mean you have to pay half of the expenses at best and at worst, that they can stay there. Just for this reason alone I would be as accommodating as I could until I have the residence/custody order.

I know that it is not ok that you cannot be comfortable at your own house, but I would rather keep myself occupied and out of the house when he is around than risking having to make the children do the traveling or him requesting you take them to him.

I also think that is great of him to travel to another country every 2 weeks to keep contact with his children. Mine doesn't bother, even when DS is only a few minutes away.

It sounds very stressful for you. I personally wouldn't accept my ex coming to my house, it is your territory and you need to set boundaries. You have every right to feel safe and comfortable in your own home - if you simply refused him entry, you'd have the law on your side. I think it's unlikely that you'd be required to send the children back to Scotland for contact at their age, so you needn't worry about that.

I've stayed in youth hostels before and they often have games/TV rooms so it's not true that he couldn't take them back there. Otherwise, he will just have to take them to a park or somewhere like soft play or swimming pool.

"I think it's unlikely that you'd be required to send the children back to Scotland for contact at their age, so you needn't worry about that."

You would be surprised...

I think despite everything you mention, telling Dad he can't see his kids every other week is a sure fire way to send him into a rage. I'd be furious if my XP told me that.

Is he travelling over from Scotland to Ireland every other week !? That sounds like he's making quite an effort after you moved his kids to another country.

Sorry I don't want to sound like 'militant dad' , but there is always another side of the coin. It sounds like he's making a real effort to stay in his kids life, and that should be applauded.

He's making a massive effort to see his kids.

You simply cannot demand that he gets accommodation near you.

If you rock the boat and he goes to court he will be able to state that you took the kids to another jurisdiction (did you ask him before you left) and you could be forced to return to the UK.

If not that, you could be made to return to Scotland every two weeks with the children to facilitate his contact, either completely at your own expense (since you left) or at best 50/50.

I would be grateful for what you have.

It does depend on what part of Ireland she is in bustersmummy, northern Ireland is considered part of the United Kingdom but not Great Britain.

I have to say though maybee he is making a huge amount of effort to get to where you live every other weekend, my xp doesn't do this and he's a car drive away! That said he should not be causing you undue stress when he has his time with the kids.

Well, she said Ireland, not Northern Ireland so I assumed the South. If I'm wrong, then I apologise.

Makes little difference though - the cost to get there will be about the same.

I feel for you because I'm in a very similar situation, except that my ex visits less frequently, about every six weeks. It has also driven me up the wall having to basically vacate my house while he is around, but our dts are two and I have wanted to make things as easy as possible for them. They are more relaxed spending time with their dad in their own home than they would be in an hotel room or the like, so I have had to get over my negative feelings towards my ex and get on with it.

I ended up having a few weeks of counselling, specifically geared towards how to make the visits more bearable all round. Prior to this I was emotionally all over the place when he was around and I was sure that this would have a detrimental effect on our dc (not to mention me) in the long term. I worked out a plan with the counsellor and since then things have been so much better.

The counsellor and I indentified the points of conflict/stress and what I was struggling the most with and together we came up with ways to sort things out. Some of the things that have helped most include emailing my ex a routine of the dcs' day/latest habits etc prior to each visit (this may sound control freakish!) which greatly minimises the amount of time I have to spend talking to my ex and allows him to be prepared. My ex actually likes this approach now as he used to phone me about 20 times a day while he was here asking inane questions. I also ensure that I spend as little time with my ex as possible (do you sense a theme here) especially when the children are in bed, so that we do not end up having any opportunity to rake up any old grievances and start to argue. I deal with him as professionally as I can and treat him like a work colleague. I have also stopped attempting any 'family' outings ie. all four or us. I had thought this was nice for our dc but in reality I found the outings so stressful that it wasn't worth it. When my ex arrives, I leave within a few minutes. Even if I just go out and read a book sitting in the car. Anything to escape. Usually I have organised lots of nice things to do because I don't get a break very often.

I know that it isn't ideal having to have your personal space invaded but all things considered, there are worse things to have to suffer. Still being with a cheating partner being one. I used to feel immense guilt at my dc being in a different country to their dad but actually, he did not want them there and did nothing to help us stay abroad when he was behaving terribly. I can only tell you that these days when I hear my dc talking about their dad really fondly and being excited to spend time with him it makes all of the stress of his visits worthwhile. My ex has actually become a good dad to our dc and this is somewhat of a miracle considering what he was like in the first few months of their life. Hang in there Maybee, things will get better.

Ok I forgot the N! It is Northern Ireland I moved back to. X and I split up years ago for a couple of years and he stopped me moving back before by making all kinds of promises that he seemed to keep until i found him out. So it is no big surprise that I moved really. He is also a teacher so gets good holidays but did choose to go to Italy over Easter hols rather than come and spend decent quality time with his kids in NI choosing instead to come for wee short visits and unsettling everyone.

So thanks for any useful/practical tips. the best interests of my kids are my priority but having my x in my home every other weekend is too much. ICider n black your post is encouraging once every 6 weeks I could handle. I try and line up things to do when he is here too. Just got v miffed last time because I went for a drink with my sis and we ended up chatting on my garden wall rather than coming in with x in the house. The next day I met a friend but ended up having to eat out and wander the town with her for most of the day. Not sure why people make such a big deal about men making an effort to see their kids. He v casually gave up seeing them and living with them twice knowing that this would be the outcome. Our eldest son will probably go to Canada this summer with him and will go to Scotland to see him at the end of the month, he has the option of spending a few weeks with all 3 of them here if he gets a sc place to stay. I live in a seaside resort so there are lots of places to stay.
My move here was not about me taking his kids away there were a range of issues wich left me with v few choices. in any case I feel like i'm having to justify myself which is not why I posted I just wondered how other people work things out when distance is an issue.

I would still advise to apply for a residence order.

NI might be the same country, yet in terms of residence orders, if you have one granted in England or Wales, taking the children to Scotland is actually moving them out of the country. I don't know what is the situation between NI and Scotland but I would check if I were you.

Don't feel you have to justify yourself. You have every right to feel the way you do. You know the situation better than anyone else. Yes, he's making a big effort to see his children but I can understand you wanting to see him as little as possible when he visits. My only suggestion would be to encourage him to take the kids out for as much of the day as possible and to leave as soon as the children have gone to bed. Try and explain to him that it is in the best interests of the children not to see either or you getting upset or angry. Sounds like a tricky situation.

Can he not just take them out for the day?

I too moved from Scotland last year to be closer to family in Derbyshire. So we probably moved similar distance to you - just without the water in between.
You don't need a residence order, and taking my child to Scotland isn't moving him out of the country. Scotland is part of the UK as is NI, and the same rules apply.
I looked into the legalites of this move before I decided, and was told that as long as we stayed within the UK, there is no problem moving children away.

My ex and I do a half way meet every six weeks or so. My son stays with his dad for a weekend, or during the holidays for a week or so at a time.
I would have great problems with my ex staying at my house. He did this once since we moved here. He stayed overnight, never again, I just felt so uncomfortable with him being here, and him just taking over the place as though we were still together!

MayBee you may have to get though with your ex and tell him that he has to find things to do during the day with his children as your house is out of bounds.
Do you take the children back to Scotland to see their dad, or does he just come to you at the moment? As much as i have issues with my ex, we do split the travel as much as we can.

Astra - AFAIK for Northern Ireland you do need a residence order.

That bit of water adds £300 to the cost if the Dad wants to bring a car.

But if this ends up in court travel will end up being split.

Thanks for the advice it is reassuring that some of you know where i'm coming from. Must be lots of people all over the world managing stuff like this but sometimes you feel like the only one, that's one of the things that is so fab about mumsnet.

The first thing I did was check everything out with a solicitor in Scotland and in NI and legally it is all above board. (as if I would take the boys and just flit without getting legal advice)It is also unlikely that the travel will end up being split though that is not the issue anyway. It will not end up in court if we can avoid it but 2 different solicitors have advised me on these issues and x's access would probably be a lot more limited if the whole truth came out in court. My x is well aware of this too.
For the boys i want to keep things as uncomplicated as possible and will facilitate visits to an extent but not to a degree where I will sacrifice my own sanity. X has a tendancy to make himself v much at home - feet up, novel open, wine in hand while watching the boys. Classic pose used to be at the computer with his back to them tho i've hidden the laptop so won't be an issue. Anyway these issues have been discussed giving rise to a tantrum but there has been an improvement.
I have told him to take the kids out as much as possible. They are v young 1, 3 and 8. The 8 yr old gets bored now with softplay and babyish stuff so it can be tricky keeping all of them entertained outside the home. He is supposed to go as soon as they are in bed but he stalls especially since the 8 yr old stays up late at weekends.
In any case we had a reasonable conversation last night regarding arrangements this summer and I will maybe talk to family mediation to see if they have ideas on how to make it work a bit better. Who did you talk to Cider?
I have told x that the boys need to be shielded from any tension or anger between us particularly our 8 yr old and although he agrees he is v volatile and quick to anger if i disagree with him at all. It really pisses me off because our family unit is so harmonious now, I rarely even raise my voice at the kids. Anyway I totally recognise the importance of the boy's dad role in their lives so hope it will get easier over time.
I still resent the fact that x still tries to cherry pick parenting and resent v much the fuss/applause that a man can get for what? showing up to see his kids? wow what a hero!