Phone call from xp mum, is this all my fault?

[Lovemelillady]

So the saga continues from generic ex thread....I've had a call from xp mum today to sort out why xp is saying he wants nothing more to do with his daughter and doesn't want to see her anymore, I thought we would be talking to get some Grandaparent contact time sorted, but it seems as though the call was so all the blame could be laid at my feet, even though she assurred me it wasn't.

They are saying I have to drive halfway because of the distance and because, at present, I am not working. NB I have driven her to his door the past 3 times he's seen her. I was also informed that the CSA payments are too much (£200 pcm) and I should be able to live on CSA payments and CHB payments alone?! Granted I live with my parents at the moment, so no rent (very lucky), but the only reason I don't live alone, is because I financially would not last one month. Apparantly he has not money to live, yet goes out and get's himself suitably drunk to the point of not knowing where is he, not something that's easy with the price of booze these days?!

The reason behind xp saying he no longer wanted anything to do with dd is because I said I would go back and try again and changed my mind following a barage of abuse when I wouldn't drive dd halfway to meet xp as I was attending a funeral. If this were to get messy, ie courts and what not, would any judge rule that I had to drive halfway?

I told xp mum, that if xp was to ever say again that he wants nothing more to do with dd, and that he is not her dad that I would seek legal advice about it as it's not on.....was this stupid of me? Should I have bitten my tongue?

I'm so fed up, deflated, done in, and tired of it all. I desperately want him to be a dad to dd, but it seems as though it won't happen unless I make it and do all the work.

Help?

My advice is everytime he gives you any verbal, just hang up. Don't warn him, don't respond, just hang up. It'll take him a while to figure it out but it's the only way he'll learn that he cannot give you verbal.

If he wants to talk calmly like an adult, fine. Any abusive texts, totally ignore, do not respond. Response is what he's after. Ignore ignore ignore is the order of the day. Nothing gets them more rattled & frustrated than when they're trying to make you lose your temper but you don't (in front of them).

I don't think he's thought for a moment about his daughter. Unsurprising when the world revolves around him. Building up contact is fine but just to have her for a week then "see ya whenever" would be terribly confusing not to mention stressful. If he had a regular pattern of contact then a week would be totally different. It would be a good thing.

No, I don't believe he does think about dd all that much. He's much to interested in himself, his nights out, his holidays and mates, it would seem.
The regularity is what I'm pushing for. I don't see how a child of her age (20m) can be shipped off willy nilly with no routine. But then I am a stickler for routine and organisation, so maybe I am a bit too hell bent on this?

All I know is, I will drive her halfway if I am going that way (which I do as I have friends midway), I want him to see her, I will never say he can't, and dd's wellbeing is at the forefront of every decision I make. So why do I still feel like the bad cop? Either he's very good at what he does, or I need to grow a spine and stop being a sap, pronto!

Slight issues with the * keys there!!

The csa would only reduce payments if your daughter stays overnight with him, at least 52 days per year. CSA payments are not calculated on if he sees her or not. If he stops seeing her he pays the same. If he keeps seeing her, he pays the same. If he has her overnight less than 52 times a year, payments reduce by 1/7th.

Hi sparky - yeah csa have already reduced by a 7th as it's (at the moment) calculated on the basis that she stays with him up to 52 nights a year. I assume he's getting worried because he's had a payrise and works on a bonus scheme which bumps his salary up a good few grand. I think for it to be reduced again the advisor I spoke to said it would have to be 104, so it doesn't look as though it will be going down anytime soon.

I'm just going to chill a bit and see what occurs. Think that's all I can do.

LMLL: I would be really concerend about letting this tosser have a baby that young for a whole week, unsupervised. He's not just unreliable and selfish, but he drings and takes drugs as well. It doesn;t sound at all safe to me.

Springchicken, yeah i know. He does only normally drink at weekends, like a lot of people, but seemingly to excess at the moment (my fault I've been told) and the drugs thing, well I did try and get him drugs tested shortly after I left, but he stalled it as much as possible. When I went back to our home to collect my things there was a weed chopping board on the floor in the front room. It riled my blood to think that's where out dd rolled about. He also admitted to cocaine and MDMA in the past few months.

His excuses are endless though and it's condoned by him everytime. Not too mention condoned by his family as they do nothing to intervene.