Phone call from xp mum, is this all my fault?

[Lovemelillady]

So the saga continues from generic ex thread....I've had a call from xp mum today to sort out why xp is saying he wants nothing more to do with his daughter and doesn't want to see her anymore, I thought we would be talking to get some Grandaparent contact time sorted, but it seems as though the call was so all the blame could be laid at my feet, even though she assurred me it wasn't.

They are saying I have to drive halfway because of the distance and because, at present, I am not working. NB I have driven her to his door the past 3 times he's seen her. I was also informed that the CSA payments are too much (£200 pcm) and I should be able to live on CSA payments and CHB payments alone?! Granted I live with my parents at the moment, so no rent (very lucky), but the only reason I don't live alone, is because I financially would not last one month. Apparantly he has not money to live, yet goes out and get's himself suitably drunk to the point of not knowing where is he, not something that's easy with the price of booze these days?!

The reason behind xp saying he no longer wanted anything to do with dd is because I said I would go back and try again and changed my mind following a barage of abuse when I wouldn't drive dd halfway to meet xp as I was attending a funeral. If this were to get messy, ie courts and what not, would any judge rule that I had to drive halfway?

I told xp mum, that if xp was to ever say again that he wants nothing more to do with dd, and that he is not her dad that I would seek legal advice about it as it's not on.....was this stupid of me? Should I have bitten my tongue?

I'm so fed up, deflated, done in, and tired of it all. I desperately want him to be a dad to dd, but it seems as though it won't happen unless I make it and do all the work.

Help?

If he wants contact then he should be making the effort to get there. You can agree to meet half way if you choose. It is in the best interest of your dc if you can encourage and facilitate contact. But you shouldn't be doing all the driving if he can't be bothered.

How far are we talking here? Would you be willing to meet the grandparents half way of he won't do it himself?

Yes the court might ask you to agree to meeting half way. But then again they might tell him to make some effort himself! I would say that he should come all t eh way to pick them up and you will go all the way there to pick them up. That way you do the same amount of miles but he has to do the picking up in the first place so you aren't there waiting and he never shows.

Is the amount he pays you what the CSA calculate? If so then you simply say 'that is the calculation, it is a percentage of his income'. If he disagrees then he should apply for a variation to the CSA. Tell him if he has any query on it to contact the CSA.

If he says he doesn't want contact again ask him to put that in writing. There's no point you going to court to force contact. If he doesn't want it no court order can make him turn up.
So stop putting yourself out and see if he actually does want it. Seems to me he doesn't and it's you (and possibly his mum) that are encouraging it and making it happen. Yes go ahead and facilitate it for the sake of the dc, but don't be trying to force it if he doesn't want it.
Tell his mum she is welcome to have time with them if he doesn't want to, but that she'll need to agree it with you re travel etc.

One thing that worrys me is that if I was to agree to drive half way is that when I get a job it's only going to make things worse. That's the only reason they want me to drive halfway now, because I don't have a job. It's about 150-200 miles.

Yes, it is calculated through the CSA and it is a percentage of his income, he has already tried to get it reduced as he thought it was set up on the basis he never saw dd, but it wasn't and has never been. His Mum said it was too much and I should get it reduced. By reducing my CSA payments it would cripple me. I already struggle so much with money after paying all my bills and food/nappys/playgroups for dd, reducing that would leave me with 0 pence a week!

He has told me via text, and I have saved all the texts, that he does not want anything to do with her and that he is not her dad. How can a father say this? It's outrageous.

What I would say is that you have nothing to gain from discussing the situation with your ex's parents. Blood is always thicker than water and they will always side with him, no matter what they say.

So if HE wants to discuss it, then HE can call to. If at his age he still has to hide behind his parents apron strings then that pretty much says it all really.

So thank his parents for being concerned but their son is a big boy now so he can discuss things directly with you if he's that bothered. If he doesn't want to see his child then perhaps that's something they discuss with him rather than you.

Tell him he needs to take 2 paracetamol and 10mg of "Man up"!

Yeah Niceguy I know, but I had a good relationship with his folks and I was concerned that he has text stating he wanted me to "find another man to be her dad" and that he is not her dad and wants nothing to do with her. I genuinely thought it would help, and maybe we could arrange something.
However, it turned into question time, and even though she says it's not her blaming me, that's exactly what it came across like. Doesn't matter he's text me a whole load of abuse, just that I need to put myself into his shoes and understand how he feels through all of this. I'm fed up being sympathetic all the time and mollycoddling his hurt ego. :(

Ha ha @ 10mg of Man Up! That's highly amusing. Made me chuckle - ty!

The fact that his mother is so forgiving of her son's sins and willing to place the blame elsewhere is probably a huge part of the reason he has grown to be such a selfish,irresponsible man.
Most of us would be kicking our son's arses from here to kingdom come if they behaved so badly!

Corlan - Very true. She condoned his cheating when I was pregnant by saying it was my fault and I pushed him into it by asking him if he was cheating?!

my XMIL said i was like her other daughter, she hasnt spoken to me since the day i left............ sorry i stand corrected, the 2 times i have been to to try explain why i left she balled me outta the house....

blood is thicker than water!!!!

Same here belleshell, I was always the daughter she never had! I will no doubt get a repeat performance once she has spoken to her ds about things. I should learn to grow a backbone I think and stand up for myself more!

It is very true that blood is thicker than water though, me and my family row, bitch and banter with one another all the time, but at the end of the day we're all friends, forgive one another, and draw a line under it. If only it was this simple outside of your family life!

Yup, blood is deffo thicker than water. I guessed straight away that his mum is the "My son can do no wrong type". My ex is like that with my son but luckily he has me to kick his arse when he's out of line.

You can never win with that sort of person since you are not their holier than thou son who walks on water and shits don't stink. You were (in their eyes) never good enough for their precious son anyway.....

That's why its a waste of time communicating with them. They need to make you into the bad guy so they can continue believing their son is perfect. So you can never do enough. So why try in the first place. If you are destined to be the baddie, you may as well play the part.

You speak wise words Niceguy! I've never had anyone put it so plainly, ty. :)

I have tried to make it work, I have gone back, I have put up with his cheating and generally coming low on his priority list. I shouldn't have to put up with it anymore.

Xp has informed me that when dd gets older and asks about him/what happened etc, that he will tell her "mummy didn't try and make it work!", what skills!

I guess I just need to focus my attention on dd and dd alone, she is the most important and precious thing to me and I just have to brush this off and get back up again (and again, and again, and again!).

blimey this reads like what I have allowed to happen with my Xp. mine are 11, 12 and I am well used to the tactics your Xp and his mum are using.

My Xp's mums view on paying maintenance -texted to me because I refused to cancel the CSA procedings read- 'If the father does not pay, then the government will.'

I am guessing this is why he has only paid a total of £1200 in 10 years ('lucky' to get that and of course he told the boys he could not visit them as i was taking all his money,therefore my fault of course)

Your Xp is controlling you and will continue to do so until YOU stop it. He will manipulate his children against you. He will not stop.

I have only recently realised that i have been 'feeding' his behaviour, no matter how many different tactics i tried to remind him to see his children regularly. I actually wish I had never bothered to try.

My kids have now seen his true colours after daring to ask why he has not seen them/phoned for 2 months. He has told my youngest, in writing, that my DS must now apologise to him and accept He will decide when to see the boys, and if they don't like it they can go get another daddy.

I am now facing up the realization that because I did not deal with this awful man, my sons (if they ever see him again) are most likely going to treated the same way this narcissistic man and his mother have treated me.

I wish I had known all these years what sort of man I was dealing with. You have that information now. find out all you can about abuse/antisocial personality/narcs before making a decision about anything. Take professional advice.

Hi Nunny, yeah I know all about narcissicm and personality disorders etc, met a few of those when I was training in Mental health!!

It is all very self-centred and he can do no wrong in the eyes of his family. I have been bought up at the other end of the spectrum and I have been taught right from wrong. Not in a controlling way, but if I have let myself or my parents down then I am told so I can then learn a lesson from it.

I'm totally petrified for the future. He's already told me he will tell dd that I wouldn't make it work, and this is my fault. How can I ever be expected to explain this whole situation to my dd?

What I fail to understand is how a family can blame me when it is his behaviour that has pushed us apart. He even blames me for getting lawyers involved, when his letter came postdated 2 days before I even saw my lawyer following his threat.

Ahh really, I'm fed up to the back teeth of it all. I've kept all the texts anyway and have backed them up online and on my computer so I know I will always have copies.

Don't know what's worse...XP or MIL!!

There's a fundamental flaw in his oh so cunning excuse.

Let's for a minute assume you were a crap wife/partner. Let's assume for a moment instead of being the dutiful OH cooking his dinner, cleaning his undies and opening your legs on demand that you instead flew around the house on your broomstick.

Let's assume he was right....you didn't try hard enough....

Why's he not seeing your daughter? Or did she not try hard enough either?

You can't make him be a proper father if he does not want to. And is quite possibly incapable of being. He could do more damage to your DD by letting her down etc than being completely absent.

I would not be pushing for contact - esp as he says he wants nothing to do with her.

I concur niceguy! I guess she just didn't try hard enough for him to want to pay any attention to her. The latest excuse is due to distance they don't get enough time with her. I wholly respect that and have reiterated to them that if xp had continued with e/o wkend from when we arranged it, then we would possibly be at the stage where she could stay an extra night, or even go over for a week in the summer. I've also said if I am going that way I will drive halfway.

Unfortunately this is not acceptable for his family and they want me to just hand her over, after not seeing her for 2 months, and for me to have to drive, even though they haven't picked her up once this year, and let her go for a whole week. All this on, what was it, 2 days notice?!!

Buda - sorry cross posted! i have no intention of pushing it now. I am frustrated and feel let down and dissapointed for my dd more than anything. He started letting her down before she was even born unfortunately. :(

I most definately will be doing this in the future, ty! I should never have gotten in to the conversation in the first place, and most certainly will not be having those conversations again.

I do understand how you are feeling and have been there. But...(you knew there had to be one)...if what you want is for your DD to have a relationship with her father and his family, then you have to keep working on it and not throw in the towel, no matter how tempting, justified and encouraged that might be.

To get back to one of your original questions - if it goes to court, you may well be expected to do half the travelling. You moved 200 miles away and he doesn't drive. Can you see how easy this would be to present to the court as anti-contact? Yes, he has said horrible things, made accusations etc...but people do, when their wives leave them and take their children hundreds of miles away. And the fact that they push for more contact may not be seen as a negative, either.

Have you tried any kind of mediation? I know you've said lawyers are involved, so that might mean he will head to court...how about proposing some kind of regular contact - make it clear it is based on DD's needs for routine and reliable time with Dad and invite discussion of how this can be achieved without you doing all the travelling. You haven't mentioned any danger/abuse etc so no reason why they couldn't have her for longer periods so long as they commit to the build up and regularity?

Thats all I've ever wanted Balia. :( Build up a relationship, get a routine in place and stick to it for the sake of our dd. But that is something we've tried and seemingly failed.

On the driving front, he's had the money for lessons, he just spends it on drink and drugs, using me as an effective excuse. If I get a job, will it still be my fault that xp cant see dd? Will I be expected to drive halfway after working a full week, being a mum and studying at night? Seems like there is a tremendous amount of responsibility being thrown my way if that were the case.

xp doesnt believe he will have to go to mediation and attempted to threaten me with going straight to court, which I knew would not happen. I explained to him CAFCASS would have to become involved and he then bombarded me with information about CAFCASS being anti-mums and siding with the Dads all the time as they were the ones being treated unfairly.

I've never said to xp that he can't have contact, I welcome it with open arms, all I'm asking for is a bit of cooperation when it comes to picking up and dropping off, length of stay, arranging extra nights at more than 2 days notice, importance of dd being comfortable. Maybe I am being overly protective of her at times? I just try to follow my instincts as much as I can.

The only danger is his drug taking, he has previously stalled a drugs test as he knew he would test positive, and has also said on numerous occassions that he doesn't do it when dd is with him so what's the problem?

What you have to do is stop hoping this man will behave reasonably. He won't because he is a complete cockend. The fact that he's a drugged up pisshead will not count in his favour if he ever does get off his arse and try to sue for more contact. Honestly, stop knocking yourself out and concentrate on what you want to do, and on your DD.

Never a truer word spoken Springchicken. XP text this morning, he wants dd for a week at the end of May. He's also informed me he's going away that week to 'do things' with her, already planned so it would seem. Not too mention the fact that he can't have her later in the summer instead as he's going on holiday in Aug. How nice for him, so pleased he can afford holidays.

It's great that he wants DD for a whole week at the end of May. But it's only useful if he's going to have some sort of routine in her life. Your DD is not some sort of toy he can pick up & put down when it's convenient with him.

I'm very very pro-contact but in my view, no contact is better than sporadic contact. I'm concerned as he's saying he's not the dad, he doesn't want anything to do with her then all of a sudden says he wants her for a week.

He needs to make up his mind what he wants. If he wants to bow out and take the easy option, so be it. You know where you stand and DD will grow up knowing her dad isn't around. What is damaging is if he's flitting in/out so DD doesn't know when she'll next see her dad and then he blames you for whatever the piss poor reason is that he can't see her for.

Honestly men like these make me ashamed to be a man.

ty niceguy. I now what you mean but trying to convert that to easy understanding for xp is not possible. I, too, am pro-contact. I want him to see dd as much as he can, but surely routine is key in all this? After all, if he lets her down, cancels, just doesn't pick her up, it's me that has to pick up the pieces. It's so frustrating.

I am all for him having her for longer, and if the problems persist with him unable to pick her up for a weekend, then I am happy for him to have her for a longer weekend, but a week when he hasn't seen her for 3? Not too mention the fact that he hasn't had her alone this year at all as I have always been there, is not regular access, or responsible parenting, is it?

I'm sure I haven't heard the last of it today, my stomach is in turmoil when my phone bleeps as I have a message :( hate this feeling. I just know I'm up for some verbal today. :(