EXP unable to control his temper

[redfairy]

Hope you dont mind me posting in lone parents but this is to do with the behaviour of my EXp towards my DD so thought it the best place to post.

In Brief, Myself and EXP for the last two/three years have split and met our current partners. EXP has gone on to have another child (who my DD adores) I have remarried.

DD has since birth always spent every weekend with EXP who lived with his mother til he moved in with GF. EXP and Grandma have spoilt her rotten and never really imposed any discipline upon her. At home with me she has always had set boundaries and generally I have no problems with discipline. Sadly EXP has not managed to this and now DD's dislike of her EXP's new set up and rules has lead to huge tantrums which EXP cannot manage.

An incident before Xmas resulted in EXP hitting DD out of frustration to the point where she was left bruised. I reported him to the police but stopped short of pressing charges as he is CRB checked for his job hoping it would be a one off. Instead the police referred to him to SS who tried on numerous occasions to contact him with offers of help but it seems that they then gave up trying. Things seemed to blow over til this weekend where after one hour of him picking her up he wanted me to collect her as she was refusing to get back into the car. I refused believing that he should try to manage the situation himself and that taking her home might lead her to try to get this result every week. I didnt hear back so assumed everything was sorted.

When she arrived home she said that dad had tried to pull her into the car by her hair and that Grandma had been scared and wanted to call the police because he was out of control. DD said they had now made friends but I am worried as I have been on the end of his temper and its terrifying.

I dont think I can ignore this but the problem is I know he loves her and she loves him but I need to protect her. Without sounding too callous my EXP isnt too bright and views his emotions quite simplistically so having a reasoned conversation is so hard. I'd like to think his GF might provide a bit of a buffer but it seems that she isn't too supportive of his relationship with DD anyway so I cant rely on that.

What do I do next?

you stop contact,consult a solicitor and arrange contact to be in a contact centre

he needs to seek help......or take you to court if he doesnt like his contact you are offering

thats my opinion of having a violent ex

I would stop contact.

And go to a solicitor.

I would ask for all contact to be in a contact centre.

You see I really do agree when I see it here in black and white but I know I sound wimpy when I say I know DD will cry to see him. She always gets upset if she goes more than about three or four days without speaking to him and I know they love each other to bits. I also know from the ten years I spent with him that he would get so angry and break down and cry in frustration at her behaviour even when she was a toddler. Now we have split she doesnt have any protection from his temper. I always thought his mum was a calming inflence but now he has moved out and she is increasingly frail I think this last incident has frightened her too. I guess my biggest fear (aside from my DD's safety) is that if I stop contact DD will believe I am keeping her from her Dad.

If I went to a solicitor what would I be asking for?
He has PR but we have no formal access arrangement as we have always arranged things between ourselves.

this is no good for your child. she cries,so what?? its for the long term good. you need to take charge,you are the adult here and cant give in just because she gets a bit upset

she can still have a phone convo
see him supervised in contact centre
email/skype/webcam

he's violent and emotionally abusive.

how old is DD?

i think you have to stop contact unless supervised by someone you really trust . thing is he has gotten away with it and if DD too young to understand how unacceptable this is he will do it again and again....

She's 9 years old. I do understand that If I let this happen again it gives her the message that Dad can say sorry and it can be swept under the carpet until next time and I dont want to be the one to let that happen. It doesn't stop me feeling sad for all the good things in their relationship which I tried so hard to keep going. I've just looked up the number for the local SS team who should have been handling this before. I will give them a call tomorrow and seek some advice.

he bruised her in alte 2010 jsut a few months ago.
he ahs jsut now hurt her.
he refuses to accept he has a problem.
wont engage with SS etc.

similar to my exP who was violent towards DD 8 in october. i did cut contact but DD saw him briefly adn thinks he might be "feling better" - exP has ahd diagnosed "depression and anxiety" tho - yet does not accept or take responsibility for agressive /violent behaviour. currently i am saying supervised contact only. you just dont know when the next time will be.

but it is not enoguh to say oh well he is good sometimes, they have great things going on in their relationship.

it is dangerous - presumably also for you there were great things too but in the end you had to leave....

it is hard, i do get the picture - my oldest DD 11 has said she doesnt want to get close to her dad because "what is the point it will all go wrong again" - younger wants to believe he is "cured" now...

it is difficult -but they can still speak/skype while you get advice - if he accepts what he did was wrong and agrees to supervised contact for now then fine - if he refuses to accept there is any issue then you have serious long term problem... you can explain to DD it is his behaviour that is wrong and he needs help for it. ?

Stop al unsupervised contact, and tell your DD that unless her father sorts himself out it is not safe for her to see him by himself - he has hurt and frightened her before and next time he might hurt her worse. You can sugar the pill a bit and say that daddy loves her and is sorry when he's hurt her, but that he's not very well in his mind which is why he does it and you don't want her to be hurt again.

Thanks everyone for your advice. Sometimes you know what you have to do but it helps to hear other people's opinions. Despite asking EXP to get in touch to discuss the most recent visit he has adopted his usual head in the sand stance so I emailed him to say no unsupervised visits.I have explained to DS that I want to be sure she is safe, that daddy had hurt her and I didnt want it to happen again. She seems to be content with that. Still waiting for response from EXP...I'd like to think it may buck his ideas up but can't help but consider that (given his unsupportive GF) he may just breathe a big sigh of relief that he can now not see DD in the knowledge that it had not been him that stopped contact. Sad if that's what he does think as I have made it clear that calls and visits are more than welcome but not unsupervised. We shall see...

make sure what you have said is by email so you have a record and a record of his reply

ie send a short email saying you offering supervised contact and indirect contact for now due to the incident with dd on xxx date .

you may need records of this later.

Cheers CLV, I am aware that I need to document any exchange and am keeping all texts and logging calls etc...