generic ex thread #654255!

[Lovemelillady]

Well, in a very quick round up. Ex cheated when I was pregnant, I left, went back, had baby, got PND, no support, treated like a muppet, moved back to my hometown (200ish miles) with dd then 6months. That was a year ago now. Ex threatened court, had to go through lawyers etc, all v.stressful.

Anyway, we arranged every other weekend. Didn't happen like that. It's as and when for him. He relies on others to bring him here to pick him up as he doesn't drive (has provisional, but hasn't bothered to learn yet).

We 'tried' to make it work a second time and I went over NYD and spent a day or 2 there, then went back for a weekend, then for 10 days. Few days felt good, enjoyed it, then something clicked when I got home and I realised the spark had gone and after a couple of times of him making me feel like unroyal dog poo, I told him it was 100% over.

Since Jan, he's picked dd up ONCE. Noting it's now May, I don't think that's responsible parenting, but I haven't said anything to him about this. We arranged for him to have dd this weekend, but he said he could no longer pick her up as arranged and then wanted her for a week as he couldn't get her back as arranged (he's not seen her for 2 ish months now). So, I've had the usual verbal messages to me. I either don't tell him enough about dd after he asks "How are we today?" or I make him feel like less of a father than he ever has done. Let me just point out here too, he won on the Grand National 18-1, £10 to win, that's a hefty £180 return, he didn't even suggest coming over here by train to take her out for the day. He, instead, went and got himself suitably hammered.

Now today I text asking if he had been able to sort out when he can have dd next, and he text back saying he no longer wanted to see her, he isn't her dad, he doesnt want to be her dad, and to keep in contact with her Nanny and Grandad so they can see her. I asked him why etc and the whole thing has been dropped at my door step. As I have decided to live here instead of with him he thinks I have taken away his fatherly responsibilities. I fully appreciate I have moved dd with me 200ish miles away, but do you have to live next door to one another to be a father figure? He said he will not be a glorified babysitter to his daughter as I go out and do things when he has her, don't most SAHM's when they get the chance? So he sees his role as merely being someone for me to utilise as a babysitter, when this clearly is not correct. He also wants me to find another man to fill the father void in her life. Man? Ha! Like I get the chance to go out anywhere and meet one of those!!

Going on the fact that the last 3 times he has seen her I have taken her to him (not cheap when your a SAHM) and even when he has the money he doesn't bother attempting any contact, where does this leave me? Do I put up with him letting her down? Do I forgive him for taking out his hurt and anger on me and my dd? Or just ignore him and hope he get's over it?
I desperately want dd to have him in her life and I would like him to be an active part of her life, but he just cannot see that. He's also told me when she's older and asks why they don't live nearer to each other he's going to tell her because Mummy wouldn't try to make it work.

Ah sorry to rant, I don't even think I've actually asked a proper question. I just need a vent and I get sooooo disappointed for my lil lady who barely knows her Dad :(

Someone tell me this is a normal male genetic disposition that all absent fathers possess?

No it's not.

As you rightly suspect, he is a proper cunt. Hopefully one day he will grow up. Until then, you daughter deserves better and so do you.

Thanks for your reply. I thought I was being unsympathetic to his situation as he clearly tells me via text message on numerous occassions that "I don't know what it's like to be in his shoes". I have hooked up with an old friend from primary school recently who moved jobs, houses and counties to be closer to his dd. Seems some men just understand what being a Daddy means.

it's not sweetheart and i feel the same as you that x tried to make you feel that he's doing you a favour when he looked after your dd.

the thing is, if he's denying fatherhood - how can (presumably) his mum and dad be grandparents? i rather think he shot himself in the foot with that one.

unfortunately, as i'm now realising, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink - someone can be a father but you can't force them to be a dad, much less a Dad. it fair breaks your heart though, doesn't it?

as for your fault about not trying hard enough to make it work, what utter tosh! dd has been told by her dad that i broke his heart, i just replied (biting so hard on my tongue that it mush have bled dry) that '
i love you and your daddy loves you, that is what matters here and now. there are things that may be said in other places and if you are ever unsure you are always welcome to ask me about them. some of these things you own't understnad until your older and we can talk about some of them then, when you're old enough. until then, all you really need to know is that i love you and your daddy loves you - we justdon't live in the same house anymore' and leave it at that distracting her with soemthing else that she really likes.

oops. obviously saying it in way that your daughter will understand when she's a couple of years older

you could turn it round and think that he doesn't know what it's like to be in your shoes

Thanks aurora :) He really got to me today, saying he hopes I can sleep well at night knowing this is all on my head.

And you're right, he doesn't know what it's like in my shoes. I live at home with my folks (I'm 30) not out of choice, I have nowhere else to go. I've given up my education, which I cannot transfer due to being in my final uni year, I'm on benefits, need a gallbladder op and live hand to mouth every week to make sure dd has everything she needs and so I can still have a small social life. I also study at home when dd is in bed. I'm truly tired of it all.

He thinks the above is a 'cushty' life!

Also...one day if I ever have to explain it all to dd, I have got a journal. Whether I show her it or not remains to be seen, but it's all there in black and white. The texts, the arguments, the accusations, the let downs. I refuse to be made out to be the big bad mummy when I've had my life torn apart. I do everything I can to make her life everything it can be and if that means I give up mine, then so be it. Isn't that what mum's do?

you're welcome
i used to get that one too lol i replied by saying 'well if you'd behaved yoruself you wouldn't be in this mess!' (he'd cheated several times, put me down, couldn't trust him, thought it was ok to argue in front of dd - even though it was clearly affecting her - so i left, etc etc etc).

as for your education, missus, go to open uni. you can mention that you've got previous uni work done and because you're on benefits, you may get financial support for course fees etc. and you don't have to give up your life entirely - maybe your parents coudl babysit while you go for a walk? babies need their mums not doormats. don't sacrifice everything - you may feel like you've lost your identity - i did it and i'mnow back to ,my old self and i don't let dd (now 6, bless her) give me any rubbish that i know has come from her dad

Why do men do that? It wasn't like he put me down, just made me feel worthless. Everything was in a minute, later, I'm busy. Things that were/are important to me just didn't cut it with him. My first mothers day last year he stayed in bed til 11am. As selfish as it sounds he didn't get me anything with mummy on it. I was just coming through PND and it was so important, but alas, all I got was a nice long drive from my mums to his so he could see his mum and a silver rolo. My parents and sister went out and got me a keyring and frame with I love my mummy on it and I sobbed my heart out. I don't get anything from him for birthdays/christmas signed from dd, but he does, and his parents even told me too. Ah, I tell you, writing this down just makes it easier for me to understand.

Im going to do my gcse science (needed for teaching) at college I hope but if not I'll have to do something. I'm educated, a real grafter and have work exp, but I just don't seem to be getting any sort of job, whether it's a 10k a year admin role or a 30k a year development manager position. It's so deflating, but I keep on going and I hope I'll have a job soon.

I have lost my ID somewhat, totally destroyed me last year, but I am slowly coming back to life and meeting new and old friends. Just takes time I guess.

Thanks so much for replying though, it's nice to know I'm not the only one, which comes with feeling so lonely I guess. Kind of think know one else goes through it, so thank you. :)
x

OMG I got told the same thing just yesterday when he came to see the kids.
How I have 'messed everyones lives up', which did for a short while afterwards make me feel like, maybe everyone would be better off without me?

But then he is the one that treated me like shit for all those years and then overstepped it big time, he abused our DD:(

Apart from that i have put up with everything else he did for the 'kids'.

Why can't people accept responsibility for their lives and actions? I can accept I have played my part in his upset due to me saying I wanted to make things work then telling him it was over. However, this was due to his total disregard for me as a human being. He sent immature demands that I had to drive my dd halfway and drop her in a service station. I have done this once as I was heading that way anyway, and have drove her to the door the last 3 times he has seen her. I have explained to him if I'm going that way I will, but if not then he will have to pick her up from my door. Surely this is not an unreasonable request? He calls me stupid and irrational, tells me I need to see a doctor about my unrealistic views on the world, I can't see how I am behaving and he does all this when he knows I am coming off my anti depressants or am not well.

Another favourite thing of his is to push it when he is meant to have her. There is always an excuse, a reason as to why he has to have her longer, but it's suggested the night before. Giveth and incheth taketh a mile springs to mind!

However, the one thing he has done, which will be engraved in my mind, is let his facade slip when I stayed with him for 10 days. Admitted to continued drug use (he believes if he isn't doing drugs when dd is there, then there is no problem), stalling on a drugs test, informing me that I make him feel less of a father because he can only see her e/o wkend at present (thought establishing a bond would be advantageous to both so long term she can go for longer?), telling me he holds my dd legs down if she wiggles when she has her nappy changed, telling me dd nappy can wait a few more minutes as his beloved football team are playing, and it's more important. Now to be told he wants nothing to do with her because he's 'upset' is just the final nail in the coffin. Just do not know how much more I can take of it and my poor dd seems to be his weapon of choice.

Golly, I really could rant for hours!!

PS - sorry to hear you've had the same problem :( it totally bites that blokes just cannot face up to their responsibilties and treat the mothers of their children with a little respect also.

Ahem, not all blokes are like that.

Sorry if it came across that way Gster!!!