Going to be a lone parent in the next couple of months.. help please

[Feelsolonely]

Hi

I've namechanged as my DP knows my usual MN name.

Back story is back in last Nov I made a desicion that I was giving DP 6 months to sort himself out job wise and attitude wise and if by the time our rent agreement was due for renewal (July 2011) things were no better I was leaving.... fast forward 1 month and I ind out im pregnant (apparently the pill wasnt strong enough for me :()

That kinda changed how I felt on leaving, DP's ex wife kicked him out when his DD was 6 months old to move another man in and I really did not want to do the same again (not move another man in tho - just leave him). We see his DD newarly every weekend and half the holidays, she's 5yo and the main reason I've stuck around this long.

Ive got myself in quiet a bit of debt due to him not working for the past 8 months, he basically picks and chooses when/where he works. All my wages are going into the house pot, and im paying his CSA payments etc.

Well the final straw has been this month, he's had well into £1000 through his hands and he's given me the grand total of £300 towards bills.

I've just applied for social housing for me and baby (due Aug) but im shit scared now. I do love DP but I cant keep doing this :(

How hard is this going to be for me? Do I need to think about anything before I leave, other than contact for baby. My heads a mess at the min but I cant go anywhere to get any space.

Please give me the good/bad points of being a lone parent :(

Hey feelsolonley

I left my dp when my daughter was 6 months and have never looked back he was lazy and spent all his time gaming on his computer I to loved him but it was all very one sided.

If you are spending out on him and paying his CSA because he can't be bothered to provide for his DD he is going to be the same with your child can you afford to pay everything?

Financial worrys are extremely hard even more so with a new baby just ask your self about the quality of life you will have with/without him.

Leaving anyone is hard and starting a fresh everything is new and scary but you will adapt what ever you decide your baby deserves you to be happy

Have you thought why his ex left him maybe she to was in same situation and this would show that he has no intention of changing even when baby is born.

I hope you get the advice you are looking for but only you can make the decision good luck.

Hi
Did not want to see you have to wait for a reply when you are so low. I am only a lone parent some of the time (don't ask) but my mum was a lone parent for 9 years:

• you only have yourself to answer to
• you only have yourself to rely on/ you don't do 'learned helplessness'
• you will have 1-1 with baby without juggling needs of dp
• you may be better off financially than now (sounds like it)
• you at some point may meet someone who is a better 'fit'

• it will be knackering
• you will feel lonely esp. the first few weeks
• residual guilt re access and the organisation thereof
• buck stops with you as primary caregiver
• conflicting emotions due to hormones/love lost etc

Bottom line - do you have support? who/how much?
friends/family/childcare/respite/emergencies/illness/pnd
where do you want him/his family to fit in?

I think personally all parenting cab be bloody backbreaking and even in a comitted relationship, even if both parents work, more often than not one person - usually the mum but not always - does the primary caregiving.
This in itself can lead to resentment.
A relationship with problems/fiery - add baby=add petrol on the fire. Boom.

So it is more a case of when do you want to split up as if he is still not able to take care of himself/act responsibly/man up now he sure as hell won't with a new baby. So easier to think of yourself as a lone parent now and any support you do get will be a bonus.

Cannot recall the movie but someone once said the cliche of nothing worse than feeling lonely within the relationship and if that's the case then you have nothing to lose. But first babies are often tough...that said dealing with a partner acting like a second baby is even tougher.

all the best x

Thankyou so much for the advice. I really dont know how il cope financially but surely its got to be better than it is now! He cant even get up with the dog once every now and then to give me a lay in, not like im sleeping loads at the min. In awful pain with pregnancy complications.

Ha its as if he knew something was up, just been passed £100 for house bills..

He and his ex split up as shee was cheating on him throughout her pregnancy, then her boyfriend now DH put my DP in hospital to try to get him out the way.

Ive been putting a bit of cash out of my sick pay away each week so I have a bit of cash to start with, and my parents are able to help out if I need it. Not yet told them im planning on leaving, feel like the less people in RL how know the better.

I do have a good support network within my family, no friends tho lost touch with them over time. I just wish I could afford a house near my parents, but I think i have to dface the fact il be living 30min away from them.