How do you cope with false promises?

[PaigeTurner]

DS's dad and I have never been in a relationship but we agreed that we will try to get on and provide DS with as stable upbringing as possible with both parents on the scene. My son is now 4 months old.

Trouble is, my son's dad keeps promising things (from buying things for DS, to maintenance, to visits and days out, and putting his name on birth cert etc) and not doing them. He also lies a lot about really basic things, eg he was accompanying me to a wedding, and was running late, and instead of just apologising, he made up a story about how his bank card was retained at the station and he had been on the phone to the bank until it was returned, which took ages.

As for the maintenance, HE suggested he started paying it but has never materialised. (I said I'd never ask for money, despite the fact I'm about to lose my home and my business failed while I was pregnant so I am on IS). He said he had to change the date of the standing order, now he is not responding to me as that date has passed.

I don't want DS to be let down on a weekly basis as he gets older and more able to understand. I also don't want him to learn that it's OK to treat people badly.

DS's dad is adamant he wants to be in his life, and that he loves DS, but it seems all on his terms. For example, I am not allowed to say anything about DS on his facebook as he 'doesn't want people to find out via the internet' but he hasn't made any attempts to let those people know privately. I suspect because those people are his 'harem' of casual girlfriends. I saw a message on his phone to a woman saying he had not been to meet her the night before as he had been at a party, when he had been with me and DS. This makes me really sad for my son.

Do I give up now before his behaviour drives me up the wall? He makes me SO angry, I am losing precious sleep over his promises and lies. Is it ever OK to exclude a 'willing' father from his son's life, even if he's not much of a dad at all? If not, any tips for dealing with him appreciated.

your son is four months old. he is not going to know anything at this stage.

and also is relatively new thing for your ex too - so yes he may prefer not to mention he has child at this sstage - is HIS problem not yours...

your ex is unlikely to change. as son gets older you will need to be there to support when promises dont materialise but there is little else you can do.
you cant stop contact over this!

your son doesnt need to think it is ok - you can explain which behaviours are not ok.

just set a routine of regular contact and stick to it.

This is extremely hard isnt it.

The best advice someone gave me was to set up a rota. Email it/ hand it to/ laminate it for your ex.

Tell him that at (eg.) 2pm every Tues & Friday you will be at home for him to see his son if he wants to for (eg.) 3 hours. Make sure you are always there but don't tell your son to expect his dad, ever. Tell him he has 20 minutes to be late and after that time the door will be locked.

Don't make yourself available at your ex's whim. and don't make yourself unavailable at the agreed times either.

Keep all correspondance on the matter and when your DS is an adult you can show him what lengths you went to for him to have a relationship with his dad.

My guess is that once you have regained control he will stop coming all together but better this happens now before your son knows what is happening.

Re the money - go to CSA, NOW.

And re letting you down on other matters; why is he being invited to accompany you to weddings?! He's your ex... Go alone or with someone else.

You need to regain control, maybe you didnt have the strength to protect yourself from this emotional abuse but for heaven's sake protect your son.

P.s your son will be at least 3 before he cottons on to which days dad comes and by that stage your ex will have either fallen in line (if his relationship with his child is important) or dropped off the face of the earth.

sorry, me again! And I'm afriad in my opinion yes it would be wrong to just exclude him at this stage - when your son grows up he needs to know you tried to make it work between him and his dad. It's very easy for kids to blame the present parent rather than the absent one when trying to find out why they don't have a relationship with both.

Thanks for the advice, we are not ex-partners we were just friends of ten years when DS was conceived. He came to the wedding to meet my family for the first time and because he has been saying he wants to be in a relationship with me and can see us getting married one day. He knows how to play on my hormones feelings.

I have tried to find a suitable access timetable which he could stick to, he says every other week is too long, but every week seems to be too much! He is impossible.

Good to know it won't affect my son until he is 3 though. Just me!!

But it is effecting your son. I just mean that at the moment he wont cotton on to the fatct that it's (eg.) weds at 2pm and daddy's not hear until he's about 3.

Oh fgs, sack him off. What a complete drain on you and your son. This sint what men are like you know. Sort it out!!

sack him off is perhaps a bit much at this point, but you do need some very clear and definite boundaries about what your relationship is with each other, and what his contact and responsibilities are to his son.

And to be clear - that's YOU need to be clear.

From what you've written, it all seems a bit vague and tenuous - he can see you getting married one day, you've been friends for years, but he has several other women you refer to as his harem and he isn't doing the greatest of jobs with the basic stuff regarding his son.

Seems to me your situation is rather messy. It's up to you to sort it and fast.

Thanks SSD, I have decided to have a break and think about the boundaries and responsibilities as you suggest. It seems he's actually decided to pre-empt me though and walk away from the situation himself. I hope he's going to be considering the same things but I fear it's not very likely.

Our situation has always been messy, I deliberately left out most of the back story but we've had lots of problems in the past with power games and the resulting backlash (no physical abuse though). God knows how I have found myself in this position with him of all people, but I have, and so want to make the best of the situation for the sake of DS.

The best advice I ever got was that as an adult you can take responsibiity for your OWN actions but have no influence over the choices of others. OWN your own behavior and be ready to step up and accept the consequences. Ensure that the boundaries are clear enough that Daddy if forced to accept the consequences of his own choices.

This is so important for your mental health too as a something switches internally once you realise you CAN go it alone - you feel more confident and happier and this reflects on the child in a positive way. Remember at all times when a lone parent - "if Mumma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" - your mental well being is critical to how safe, secure and loved that baby feels, do all you can to provide that happy home for your kid without his help. If it takes professional councelling to help you get to that place, go do it.

If you want to mention you have a child with someone on your own facebook page and name the father - do so. He wasn't conveived at the bus stop with an unknown stanger so why should you pretend he was? If he wants to treat his child as some sort of dirty secret let him, but don't let it influence your own actions as you have nothing to hide or be ashamed of. Hold your head high at all times!

Your child is a wonderful unique creation and as a new Mum it's your godgiven right to shout that to the world! Get yourself along to some Mum & baby groups so you can share how amazing your bubba is with those that understand your feelings on the matter.

Give the man details of when he can see his child at a time and place that suits you - be available at those times without fail for 6 months. Do not be available on his whim at other times. Employ a bit of common sense if you go for this - unless working, every other Sunday afternoon is not too onerous for either of you, midweek at 10pm is a pita, especially if your lone parent status pushes you back to work. You'll then need downtime with the child not to be wasting wholeprecious weekends fretting & thinking will he/ won't he turn up so you can't settle to the housework or anything useful.

If he has chosen not to accept parental responsibility by not pacing his name on the birth certificate, don't let him have it until he has shown a decent amount of responsibility and committment to the child over a reasonable period of time. You don't want him arguing with your teens school, area of residence or urgent medical treatments on a mere whim. Parental responsiility means just that - stepping up to the plate, especially when it's most inconvenient, difficult and hard (murphys law says accidents etc happen with the worst possible timing). In the meantime ensure your will/mediacl instructions etc list someone else who is responsible to take guardianship of the child should something awful happen to you. If your mother could be trusted to care for your baby if you get run over by a bus list her for example.

Go via the CSA for maintenance - the law says that if you make a child you should support it. Let him argue the toss with them re his responsibilities, rather than using your own emotional energy - it's their job. If he denies the kid is his they have the power to enforce a dna test and make him pay for it.

Raising a child alone is TOUGH, you don't have the spare capacity to be fretting over his actions. Get yourself to a position as fast as you can where you don't NEED his cash to pay for the essentials like the gas bill or nappies. It is a welcome treat if money from him does land on your doomat that means your child can have swimming lessons or an outfit from next instead of primark, not that the child goes short on basic necessities if/when he doesn't pay.

He can only treat you as a doormat and his son as a secret to his harem because you allow it right now. Draw a line and demand that he treats you the mother of his chid with a minimal amount of basic decency and respect. Remember this child is his flesh and blood and deserves the best from both of you. The child will judge both when he reaches adulthood, be sure that his judgement of you is a kindly one based on pride in all you did for him.

bochead gives outstanding advice. i also echo what likevinegar said. Bring back the control...

Bochead, you have been so helpful. Something needs to change and fast and seeing as I have no control over others, that something will be me. I've let the mum&baby groups and activities slip recently as putting too much energy into marshalling DS's dad. So I look forward to re-gaining that much-needed energy at the very least!

I'm lucky that my mum has offered some financial help this morning, so I may not lose my house before I manage to get back to work. That is such a relief.

Thanks to all for the advice, it's appreciated. Wow this is HARD!!

I was worried I might sound too harsh but it was the advice that helped me most when I had a young baby I was trying to keep out of ICU and dear Daddy was being an a£%e. Always remember if you go down so does the child. If something happens to the absent parent it has no impact on the child whatsoever at this point in time.

I don't have too much sympathy for his position, no matter your tangled history. You weren't a stranger and nowadays everyone over 5 knows nookie can lead to babies, even when you are being careful. Your references to his "harem", makes me wonder at his studipity in not knowing that simple fact yet. In short my dear the space for "baby" is totally filled by the one who is a foot long in nappies right now. Let dear daddy be an infant elsewhere and not on your time.

Give your Mum a hug from me ; ) You'll find others able to give you emotional support along the way too. I remember making the conscious choice to build myself a support network to reduce my emotional vulnerability to the Dad.

It is VERY hard going it alone, I can't lie, probably the hardest thing you'll EVER face in life, which is exactly WHY you can't spare the emotional capacity to play his games.

What bochead said. Excellent advice