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Lone parents

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Original poster

Should i allow my 3 year old to attend his dad's wedding?

20 replies

thelittlemansmum · 03/05/2011 09:13

Morning all!
My ex has asked that our 3yr old boy attends his wedding later this year but I have concerns over his care throughout the day if he were to go. There are no 'sour grapes' between myself & my ex and I am actually really pleased he is settling down (his new partner seems to have had a really good affect on him and my son appears to be happy in her company)
My son is a typical 3 year old boy, doesn't sit still for a moment and charges round from morning til night like a cyclone so I can't actually see that he'd enjoy any part of the service, let alone understand what it's all about!
My ex has my son every other weekend from friday evening until sunday but has chosen a weekday that he would normally not see him, again, very confusing for my son who doesn't react well to his routine being changed.

In the past there have been some issues (2 weeks ago while in his dad's care my son apparently got an electric shock from a lamp in a strange house, my ex was downstairs from what I can gather!) My ex also used to take cannibis & drink way too much... the whole reason for me ending the relationship.
I would love some advice on the right thing to do... I don't want to appear to be bitter as this is not the case at all but cannot see how my son would benefit at age 3 from attending the service (he's not even invited to the fun bit afterwards for an hour!)

OP posts:

corlan · 03/05/2011 09:21

Is there someone attending the service that you can trust to take care of your son during the day - such as a gran or an aunt?
I think this is one of those times when you should go out your way to try and work out a solution, if only because it could be held against you for years to come if you don't!

Original poster

thelittlemansmum · 03/05/2011 09:26

I do understand that totally and it certainly would be held against me! There is no one going that I would trust with him (ex has fallen out over the years with his mum/dad/sister!) When I asked who would take care of him my ex informed me that he would do it himself... a little impossible I think

OP posts:

balia · 03/05/2011 10:10

I think you'd have to have a really really good reason from preventing a child attending a parent's wedding and just going on what you've said, I don't think you do. Maybe you don't take your son anywhere out of his routine, ever, but if you do make exceptions, this should be one of them. Would you prevent him from going to any other family member's wedding because he 'wouldn't get anything out of it'?

When my DH and I got married we had DSS there. He was 3 and a half and behaved immaculately. He and DD lit candles to represent our family joining together. It was very moving and he still talks about it with great pride to this day. Both children walked with us to the front and sat quietly in the nearest seats when we did our vows. Even if you don't think your DS will get anything out of it, do you not think he'll wonder why he wasn't there in later years?

notsweatingthesmallstuff · 03/05/2011 10:25

Is there someone you know and trust that could take your son? Do you have a childminder, family friend etc that your son is comfortable with, who would be willing to give up their time to take him. I assume that it will not only be your husband looking after your son, but his bride too, presumably she is well known to him now? What about a member of her family looking after him? (sorry if thats a painful suggestion). I know that even the rowdiest of children can turn into little mice when in a new situation, especially a quiet one. And make aure that you keep yourself well looked after on the day too, i imagine it might be a difficult one emotionally, no matter how amicable things are

DooinMeCleanin · 03/05/2011 10:27

It would be really unfair of you to stop him going without a very good reason. Imagine if it was your wedding and your DH wanted to stop your son being there.

Niceguy2 · 03/05/2011 10:43

I think your reasons are incredibly weak.

It's a wedding full of adults. You trust your son in the care of his dad for an entire weekend but for some reason not for a few hours at his wedding where it will be full of family?

And at 3 years old, I really doubt he will mind it's not a Friday, Saturday but midweek when he sees his dad.

The drink & drugs excuse is rather weak too given you let your son stay an entire weekend. I doubt he'll be high as a kite during the wedding.

Plus I wouldn't blame your ex for holding it against you and you will be seen by everyone to be bitter & twisted despite what you say. Oh and imagine the conversation with your son when older. "Why am I not in the wedding photos dad?" "Because your mum wouldn't let you come for a few hours....." "Why?" "I've no idea! I wanted you to but your mum said no"

If you want advice, the best thing to do is bite your tongue, smile nicely, wish him luck and let your son go. Take a moment to smile at the chaos your son will likely cause by being unable to sit still during the solemn service.

Your ex is getting married. It's not dangerous and he's not exactly taking your son bungee jumping.

yousankmybattleship · 03/05/2011 10:46

I think you defintiely need to work out a way for him to go. Is there another member of the family you could trust to look after him? I understand your concerns, but it must be do-able with a bit of planning.

blackeyedsusan · 03/05/2011 11:07

of course he has to go. it is natural that you are worried. you could say something to your ex like...
"of course he can come, although i think you should let him sit with grandma/aunty during the service so you can relax and concentrate on your vows... "

send ds with a nice card too, from ds of course.

buy wine/chocolate/other treat for yourself and do something special on the day. you may need a similar favour back in the future.

cestlavielife · 03/05/2011 13:35

of course your DS should go - but yes would make sense for a sepcified adult to be in charge of him on the day so dad can concentrate on the wedding bit

likevinegar · 03/05/2011 13:38

If I had tried to prevent my DD from going to her own dad's wedding at the age of 3 she would have never forgiven me. Surely it is an important occassion in his family and a historic day. He should be there in my opinion.

Have you asked if there has been any measure taken? It could be that a relative has offered to watch him during the service.

I can understand that you have concerns re how he used to use canabis etc but that isn't enough to not allow this.

the lamp thing just sounds like an accident that could ahppen at any time. It's not really starnge for your son to be upstairs in a house when his dad is downstairs is it? My dd often goes upsatirs to play in friends houses (they would seem strange to my ex) kids have bumps and scrapes all the time, you can't be with them constantly.

Excuse me if I am out of line but given that you trust your ex to have him every other weekend for a whole weekend, can I ask if you are being completely honest about why you don't want him at the wedding?

I am a fan of sticking to a rota but the day your dad ets married is a big day for any child, I don't think it would harm him to change routine for one day under the circumstance.

likevinegar · 03/05/2011 13:40

I also think you are under estimating how much he will get out of the day. My DD is 8 and still talks about weddings she was flower girl at at ages 3, 5 and 6.

Even if he doesnt remember the day, he should be in the photos in years to come.

Original poster

thelittlemansmum · 03/05/2011 14:22

Thank you all for your comments.... My main concern is that I aked my ex who would look after our son on the wedding day & he said him I just don't think this is possible during the service/register signing etc. My ex has no contact with any of his family and no one I know will be attending so that I could ask for them to keep an eye on him. At least now maybe I can suggest a few options to my ex and hopefully he can offer some reassurance or at least realise that his idea of watching over our son during the whole thing is a little unrealistic.
For those that mentioned me allowing my son for whole weekend stays but not trusting him for a few hours at a wedding... this took a year of court proceedings, supervised contact and a very gradual build up to overnight stays, my ex actually took my son out at 7wks old and drove him home in a car totally out of his face! That was the end for me.
I know some might think I should have put this out of my mind after 3 years but unfortunately how ever hard I try to forget I just can't trust him 100% there's always that nagging doubt that if he's done it once he could do it again

OP posts:

balia · 03/05/2011 19:14

In the hope of reassuring you - as I said DSS was at our wedding, and very close to us all the way through, standing at the front etc. Not sure about a church, but our registrar was absolutely fantastic with both kids and there was no problem with them being with us throughout. So not unrealistic at all, really. And as he's not going to the 'do' afterwards it isn't likely to be a long ceremony; I think you do have to put the past behind you for this special day, and as others have said, if he has contact every other weekend it's unlikely to be any more risky at the ceremony. And the public space will have been health and safety checked so the lamps should be fine!

LittleMissFlustered · 07/05/2011 18:08

I refused to let either of my kids go to to their father's wedding. I am reconciled to the fact that I am an evil cow though

Do what's best. If there is someone he can sit near that he knows, all to the best. Luck!

confuddledDOTcom · 07/05/2011 19:02

He's probably decided not to have him at the reception so that he can be sure he will be safe for the whole time he's there. He can be stood next to his dad during the service, sit on his knee during the signing. There could be many reasons the wedding is on a different weekend, maybe he didn't want to sacrifice his time with his son, maybe it was a special date that they booked before checking if it was his weekend, maybe it was the date the venue gave them.

He may not get anything out of it or remember it but he will value the photos in years to come - I still do for my aunt's wedding, I was her bridesmaid and only 2.

Our children will be looked after by my parents at our wedding and his children will be grown up enough to stay put but will stay with his parents at the hotel. I don't think it's his weekend with the boys but we booked two years in advance (three when you consider we postponed) so we had no idea what his dates would be then.

Acanthus · 07/05/2011 19:06

Of course he should go. If he can go overnight he can go for a few hours to a wedding.

zest01 · 07/05/2011 21:19

Yes he should go. Your reasons against sound very flaky. My DD was 2 when I got married - she was a boisterous little thing but our wedding was low key and the registrar was totally cool with her wandering around and "joining in". It was lovely and she will be in the pictures for years to come. It would be very wrong for you to now allow him to go imo and you will no doubt have to explain it to your son one day. As a child who was not stopped but definitely discouraged from spending time with her Dad growing up, I would urge you to let him go

stardust86 · 08/05/2011 13:41

I agree with the masses - there's always plenty of adults at a wedding, often other kids too and it would be sad for your ex not to have his son there.

It's difficult for us when the ex moves on but a time to hold your head up high and let go. It might help if you plan something nice for yourself for that day.

Smum99 · 08/05/2011 16:31

I don't believe you have a valid reason to stop him going - unless you are not keen to flex the arrangements that are court ordered but that would be petty. An ex is an ex for a reason and it's unlikely you will ever trust him 100%, you will just have to find a way to deal with it as you will have another 15 years of joint parenting.

This is for your son - do it for him

allnewtaketwo · 08/05/2011 22:14

I agree with those who say that you should let your son go - he will remember it in years to come and it's not worth putting yourself in the position of the one who prevented him being part of such a big occasion for his father.

I can see you have some reservations about his care, but as a separated parent you are just going to have to trust your ex to look after him. There is no choice, this is just what it's like for parents who have split up.

Tbh though, the fact that you extended your reasons to it being mid-week, son will be confused by that etc - that's where you lost my understanding as these are really just silly reasons which you're projecting onto your son. DH's ex uses this 'routine' and 'confused' stuff a lot, even still and the 'children' are teenagers. Really it's here routine she didn't want changing, nothing to do with what they wanted.

Hope it goes well!

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