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Original poster

Stepfather access?

9 replies

specialgal3 · 02/05/2011 14:11

Hello

       What are your views please? A stepfather of five years standing whom I stupidly married. I haveTwo girls from a previous relationship aged 10 and 13

I had to ask him to leave after he was three years unemployed;running up huge debts and aggressive behaviour.He has asked to see them but has no legal rights and I just dont know what to do? Any thoughts gratefully received

OP posts:
hairylights · 02/05/2011 14:14

Morally, if he is no threat to them, then he should continue contact, if he has an ounce of decency.

I am a step mum now divorced but have continued in that role to my lovely DSD (albeit that she was much older when I left ie: just turned 17 and is now 19)

balia · 02/05/2011 15:37

Do the girls want to? Do they have contact with their real father?

colditz · 02/05/2011 16:11

If he has asked to see them and is no threat to them, i would allow this if they want to go. You say aggressive behavior but was this to your daughters? If so, I wouldn't allow it.

pickyourbrain · 02/05/2011 18:27

I also think you should be led by the girls here...

Original poster
specialgal3 · 02/05/2011 19:35

Thank you so much . I spend hours considering the moral/ethical implications of this.Their real father lives in australia so no.The
girls were not unaware of the deterioration in this mans behaviour as the marriage drew to a close.... Whilst making allowences for possible mental health issues to do with unemployment etc he has left us in quite a big mess. So I am conflicted...when asked what they wanted one said no outright while the other shrugged her shoulders?

OP posts:
pickyourbrain · 02/05/2011 19:38

Then don't bother. He obviously didnt build a succesful bond with him. Unless there is some doubt that they are being honest rather than telling you want you want to hear, there is no moral reason IMO for you to force their relationship with this man.

LemonScented · 02/05/2011 20:37

It doesn't sound as if he has any real link to them, emotionally or (of course) biologically so I don't see why you should continue contact. I think it would hinder you in moving on; hopefully in the future you will find a relationship which suits you and your DDs and I think it would be easier to do that when you have left your ex behind completely.

Original poster
specialgal3 · 02/05/2011 22:20

I have heard that advice can be something you seek when you already know the answer.............Thank you both very much for telling me
precisely what my gut was.x

OP posts:
whiteandnerdy · 03/05/2011 09:00

"when asked what they wanted one said no outright while the other shrugged her shoulders?" - This maybe bang on the money and may not, remember your children will be wanting not to upset you and sometimes give you answers that they think you want to hear rather than what they actually feel. I think directly asking your children do they want to see him isn't a very good tool for analysing the emotional bond that has been built up over time. Maybe your own gut feeling is more useful in such situations.

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