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Original poster

dd spends too much time with me...apparently

25 replies

MissPricklePants · 01/05/2011 09:41

Hi all, my ex has my dd (23 months) for 2 hours a week. He picked her up yday and she sobbed her little heart and didnt want to go with him. It took 25 mins to calm her down and she was still upset. He then said that obviously dd is with me too much and thats why she doesnt want to go?!nothing to do with he is a stranger (that was the 4th time he had her unsupervised after months of being absent) or that he doesnt change her nappy, play with her etc.

Up until last week I was a sahm, I now work 16 hours a week and she doesnt get upset when dropped off at nursery. Im fuming about him saying that, how can a loving parent spend too much time with a child?!

we are back in court this week to review contact, I think it should remain as it is until dd is happy with it!i think he will ask for more time with her. Im concerned about this so would appreciate any advice!x

OP posts:
blackeyedsusan · 01/05/2011 09:55

could he come twice a week for 2 hours? so that she gets more used to him before increasing contact to one bigger block? not sure what to suggest. ex is just trying to justify why she is like she is so that the blame is not on him.

thisisyesterday · 01/05/2011 09:58

hmm she doesn't spend too much time with you, she spends not enough time with him!
she is still young as well.

it would maybe be beneficial for her to spend time with the both of you, if that's possible. I realise that depends a lot on how amicable you are, but if she spends time with you together she can get used to him with the security of being with you and you can then work on her going out alone with him

Original poster
MissPricklePants · 01/05/2011 10:02

He works f/t and doesnt want dd in the week as its inconvenient, and I don't want to agree to both weekend days as thats usually when she sees her aunties/uncles/grandparents!and obv I want to spend time with her!he is making it difficult every step of the way!argh!x

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Original poster
MissPricklePants · 01/05/2011 10:05

Thisisyesterday- we have tried contact with me there but he was/is abusive to me during that time, in front of dd. I just want to make things easy for her and he just wants to get his own way/control me!x

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Truckstop · 01/05/2011 10:09

You realise If it goes to court he is going to get a lot more contact than 2 hours.

And he'll get overnights as well.

blackeyedsusan · 01/05/2011 10:18

you may need to come up with a step by step increase in contact to take to the court...

Original poster
MissPricklePants · 01/05/2011 10:19

Truckstop the 2 hours are actually court ordered and I have a court order for that. He doesnt want overnights, we are in court again to review it

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thisisyesterday · 01/05/2011 10:20

oh difficult then :(

what about other family members? his mum or anything? could you build on a relationship with her that may help?

Original poster
MissPricklePants · 01/05/2011 10:22

Blackeyedusan- my suggestion is to leave it at 2 hours for another 8wks then increase it by half an hour/an hour and do it gradually so dd gets used to it x

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pickyourbrain · 01/05/2011 10:23

If it helps misspricklepants I work about 50 hours a week and my DD has still always hated leaving me to go to her dads.
He says its because I work too much that she doesnt see enough of me and therefore gets upset when she leaves me... They'll say anything to cover their guilt.

(Ex also works 50+ hours yet apparently I shouldnt Hmm)

Original poster
MissPricklePants · 01/05/2011 10:24

Thisisyesterday- his mum doesnt want any involvement and my parents have supervised in the past but ex didnt want them to :-S its difficult x

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Original poster
MissPricklePants · 01/05/2011 10:29

Pickyourbrain thats ridiculous!my ex says its ok for him to have a new partner but I shouldnt because dd will grow up thinking im a slag lol!i havent even got a partner!lol x

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pickyourbrain · 01/05/2011 10:33

eurghh double standards. We're damned if we do and we're damned if we dont hey!

Original poster
MissPricklePants · 01/05/2011 10:39

I totally agree with that!x

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thisisyesterday · 01/05/2011 10:41

aww i really feel for you MPP, sounds like a very difficult situationm.

i think whatever happens he needs to agree to see her more frequently so that she ios more used to being with him. i hope you can get it sorted amicably

gillybean2 · 01/05/2011 16:49

Can you request (as part of the court order) that he attends a parenting course. This might help him appreciate that he has to make some effort.

he really won't learn how to parent without being given the chance. So more time, more frequent visits etc, is required.

If he won't do 'in the week' that is his own problem!

WHat time is she as nursery til? Can he not pick her up after nursery and have her for an hour before bringing her back to you one day a week?

I think you need to offer these options. If he refuses (and make sure it is noted in court he is refusing) then he only has himself to blame if contact is poor and he is unable to parent effectively.

SimpleSingleDad · 01/05/2011 17:06

I think the abuse aspect is important here and shouldn't be ignored by anyone, least of all by the court.

I also think it's brilliant that you've sorted out your own contact.

It is likely that via court he'll get more contact, including overnights. Note likely, not definite.

How long has he been absent? Do you have any record of current or past abuse - especially involvement of agencies such as Police or Social Services?

Could you use a contact centre or a Dad's playgroup for handovers?

SimpleSingleDad · 01/05/2011 17:09

oh, and what Gillybean said at 16:49

hairylights · 01/05/2011 22:58

He works f/t and doesnt want dd in the week as its inconvenient, and I don't want to agree to both weekend days as thats usually when she sees her aunties/uncles/grandparents!and obv I want to spend time with her!he is making it difficult every step of the way!argh!x

That's not fair on your daughter. He is her father and should take priority over aunts and uncles etc. If you try to block more time with him, how are they ever going to form a relationship?

Original poster
MissPricklePants · 02/05/2011 09:41

He was absent for a 9 month period then saw her for a month then absent for 3 months and has seen her for the past 4 weeks. There is cctv footage of him trying to hit me in the local shopping centre and the hundreds of threatening text messages! I have suggested in the past that he should have time with her in the week but he says it interferes with his social life, he also does not want both weekend days for the same reason. Hairylights I am in no way trying to block him, he is v reluctant to parent, just wants to observe her (his words) and at the end of the day I am not going to deny my dd a relationship with other family members just in case he wants to see her!x

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gillybean2 · 02/05/2011 11:09

If he doesn't want to parent, merely observe, then perhaps you should suggest a contact centre so you can be sure she is being cared for and is safe? Especially if she is upset and finding contact difficult.

I think you may find that contact peters out very quickly here. From what you say it sounds as if he is just using it to get to you. There's only so long he's going to get any help at court if he readily admits he doesn't want to parent, merely observe. You can achieve that for him with a monthly letter on progress, photos/ video sent once a year.
Contact should be about the best interests of the child. Having a parent in her life is in her best interest. Having someone who merely wants to observe her is not.

hairylights · 02/05/2011 11:35

I understand, really I do. But surely it's better for your daughter to have that small amount of contact than no contact at all?

hairylights · 02/05/2011 11:37

and based on the new info about his violence, it should be supervised imho.

pickyourbrain · 02/05/2011 18:20

Could it be every other weekend so that your DD can spend time with you and your family as well as her dad?

I can't beleive he thinks that he can't have her in the week because he works Shock how does he think most of the population cope with being parents?!

Original poster
MissPricklePants · 03/05/2011 09:17

Gillybean- I agree entirely with your post, I dont think he has the best interests of dd at heart!
Hairylights-it has been supervised since he left (dd was 3ish months) when he has not been totally absent.
Pickyourbrains- Its ridiculous isnt it!how does he think other parents manage?!x

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