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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

lone parents and new relationships

8 replies

plainy · 01/05/2011 00:02

Was just looking at some research about what makes marriage work, the research says, marriages or commitments are more likely to last if neither partner has children from previous relationship and the couple own their own home, the woman is religious and both are well educated and if the womans parents did not seperate-(thats me done for on several of those criteria!!!) I dont spend much time thinking about whether i will or will not meet someone again, but i would like to think that may be some day, when the time is right that it would be possible, my experience of love last time was not great at all and would like to think that i could be lucky enough to live a long life and in that life experience deep and lasting love (whereas sometimes it feels as if i am nearly 40 and those days of relationships are over) but its not something i am ready for at the moment. i remember when i was single - before i had a child and it was hard to meet anyone - or certainly someone decent - and i wasnt particurly looking hard - thankfully. i know statistics are just generalisations etc , but just want to know what peoples feelings or experiences are of meeting someone new, or not as the case may be as a lone parent. I dont place that much credence in the statistics above and like to see myself as an individual rather than a statistic, but still sometimes i think its so bloody hard making a new life, getting on with it and making a future and sometimes i think that sadly it feels as if so many doors are closed simply by being a lone parents, or a bit harder to open. i read somewhere that this lone father was saying "why would anyone want to go out with me"? etc, and someone said to him, that as a lone parents you are loving and selfless in your love because you put your kids first no matter what, you are tough and independant because you are getting over or have got over whatever happened to lead you to lone parenthood and you are strong because you have survived it all you have lots to offer!!!! Apart from the relationship stuff have spend some of last year reading lots of literature relating to lone parents and their kids, i ended up not able to sleep for a few nights thinking about all this research that was negative and pessimistic for some lone parents and children, so i gave up reading it!!! again, its all generalisations and there are more at risk factors in some cases etc and some of the positive literature (of which there was very little) did identify things that make a diffence in the lives of the parents and children, like social networks etc, but again i just felt a bit ... well - down hearted about it all. any thoughts or experiences???

OP posts:

SimpleSingleDad · 01/05/2011 09:10

I dont spend much time thinking about whether i will or will not meet someone again, but i would like to think that may be some day, when the time is right that it would be possible, my experience of love last time was not great at all and would like to think that i could be lucky enough to live a long life and in that life experience deep and lasting love (whereas sometimes it feels as if i am nearly 40 and those days of relationships are over) but its not something i am ready for at the moment.

i remember when i was single - before i had a child and it was hard to meet anyone - or certainly someone decent - and i wasnt particurly looking hard - thankfully.

i know statistics are just generalisations etc , but just want to know what peoples feelings or experiences are of meeting someone new, or not as the case may be as a lone parent. I dont place that much credence in the statistics above and like to see myself as an individual rather than a statistic, but still sometimes i think its so bloody hard making a new life, getting on with it and making a future and sometimes i think that sadly it feels as if so many doors are closed simply by being a lone parents, or a bit harder to open.

i read somewhere that this lone father was saying "why would anyone want to go out with me"? etc, and someone said to him, that as a lone parents you are loving and selfless in your love because you put your kids first no matter what, you are tough and independant because you are getting over or have got over whatever happened to lead you to lone parenthood and you are strong because you have survived it all you have lots to offer!!!!

Apart from the relationship stuff have spent some of last year reading lots of literature relating to lone parents and their kids, i ended up not able to sleep for a few nights thinking about all this research that was negative and pessimistic for some lone parents and children, so i gave up reading it!!!

Again, its all generalisations and there are more "at risk" factors in some cases etc and some of the positive literature (of which there was very little) did identify things that make a diffence in the lives of the parents and children, like social networks etc, but again i just felt a bit ... well - down hearted about it all.

Any thoughts or experiences???

hairylights · 01/05/2011 09:12

I remember when i was single - before i had a child and it was hard to meet anyone - or certainly someone decent - and i wasnt particurly looking hard - thankfully. i know statistics are just generalisations etc , but just want to know what peoples feelings or experiences are of meeting someone new, or not as the case may be as a lone parent.

I dont place that much credence in the statistics above and like to see myself as an individual rather than a statistic, but still sometimes i think its so bloody hard making a new life, getting on with it and making a future and sometimes i think that sadly it feels as if so many doors are closed simply by being a lone parents, or a bit harder to open.

I read somewhere that this lone father was saying "why would anyone want to go out with me"? etc, and someone said to him, that as a lone parents you are loving and selfless in your love because you put your kids first no matter what, you are tough and independant because you are getting over or have got over whatever happened to lead you to lone parenthood and you are strong because you have survived it all you have lots to offer!!!!

Apart from the relationship stuff have spend some of last year reading lots of literature relating to lone parents and their kids, i ended up not able to sleep for a few nights thinking about all this research that was negative and pessimistic for some lone parents and children, so i gave up reading it!!!

Its all generalisations and there are more at risk factors in some cases etc and some of the positive literature (of which there was very little) did identify things that make a diffence in the lives of the parents and children, like social networks etc, but again i just felt a bit ... well - down hearted about it all. any thoughts or experiences???

I hope you don't mind but I've put your post into paragraphs as it hurt my eyes to read without.

Not sure what your point is. Are you saying that you've read a lot of literature but disagree with most of it?

SimpleSingleDad · 01/05/2011 09:19

My apologies for doing that. Your post looked interesting, but it was a bit hard to read, so I hope you don't mind me re-posting it with some white space for legibility.

My experience is (certainly currently) that I feel like I have to explain (or at least give some level of explanation) as to why I'm the RP and not my ex. Tricky, given that whatever I say it's going to sound like she's a terrible person (she is) or like I'm hiding something. But then that makes me look like I'm bitter (I'm not, or at least I don't think I am).

Anyway.

The thing I always hold onto is Bowlby's research about nurturing etc from back when I did psychology. The general conclusion was that whilst the "ideal family" set up is Mum & Dad love each other and love the kids, the next best is any adult (though preferably Mum or Dad) who is happy in themselves and the child(ren) know love them and will always be there for them.

SimpleSingleDad · 01/05/2011 09:21

oops, x-post with Hairy. hehehe. MN people do like paragraphs, don't we?

piellabakewell · 01/05/2011 16:16

Paragraphs or not, when I got married age 28 I could tick all of the criteria you have mentioned in your first section. 15 years later, I am divorced, a mother of two daughters age 11 and 13, and experiencing real, true love for the first time in my life. I know internet dating is not for everyone and I shared the experiences of many others (got let down, guys just 'disappeared', some were timewasters or players etc) but despite all that I stumbled across someone who is the love of my life. We've only been together for six months but neither of us has ever felt so relaxed in someone else's company, or seemed as compatible as we are.

I didn't use to believe in 'soulmates', but I do now.

SimpleSingleDad · 01/05/2011 16:34

@ piella - which site???

Er, I mean, that's lovely for you both.

But more importantly, which site?

Original poster

plainy · 02/05/2011 01:23

yep, i agree - lack of paragraphs is annoying - sorry, newbie to this web stuff
sorry

i agree with simplesingledad re bowlby etc and thats what i say to mysefl regularly, that i provide a loving and stable home for my child and thats what counts! and am sure you dont sound bitter, you are reciting facts in relation to what happended and bitterness is altogether different and easy to spot.

hairylights, not sure now that i think about it what my point was, i think i just wanted to see what other people thought and felt in relation to relationships and the future. piella, am so happy for you, someone once told me that when relationships go wrong and you get older, that you learn much quicker who is right for you and who is wrong for you, that you get that sense of 'this feels right' much quicker. Sounds like even after 6 months you have that feeling!!

I suppose really am new to lone parenting (well nearly three years but it still feels new - if that makes sense) and i really dont know any other lone parents very well, so sometimes i just wonder about others parenting alone, and how different or alike their views and feelings are about parenting alone and life in general, what they find hard or easy etc. I guess its hard to generalise when the pathways to parenting alone are so diverse and lone parents are such a varied bunch so peoples perceptions could be altogether different in many ways from each other.

OP posts:

teahouse · 02/05/2011 09:18

I would argue that much of the research regarding single parents has an agenda.

I have been an LP for over a decade and have 2 fantastic kids - one at Uni and the other doing GCSE's. Both boys, neither have given me any trouble at all, and both have to cope with dyslexia and dyspraxia to get where they are.

Our life hasn't been easy but it's not been hideous either; little money so no holidays but always food on the table etc.

I'm not special and I know there are lots of LPs that do a brilliant job parenting. Rarely does that ever make the news though and given our society champions 2 parent heterosexual families, I'm sure there is an agenda in all the anti-LP rhetoric.

Yes of course there are troubled families, many with one parent, but many with two parents. Having 2 parents does not necessarily mean a loving family with a fantastic homelife for the kids or the couple.

Rant over

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