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Original poster

Did I make the right decision cancelling our date ??? Advice needed please!

29 replies

tetti · 30/04/2011 14:09

I am really dithering at the moment, (and this pmt doesn't help!lol)

Have been talking to a guy on a social networking site.Very attractive,professional single dad.However,something made the alarm bells ring when I spoke to him the other day.
1.He told me (a natural blonde) that I would look better in dark hair (is that really something you come out with if you haven't met someone?)
2.He went through my friends list,name by name,and asked who my ex's were
3.He did the same thing again,only going through the females on my list,then stating who he thought were attractive

Hmmm...He was intent that we'd go out clubbing and dancing on our first date...I hate both,I got all the clubbing out of my system when before I became a mum and although I do love music,I am one of those rare people who actually cannot dance,think David Brent but worse,it just ain't my thing.he was still intent on doing that "We just go to a place where they dance and you WILL dance by the end of the night"
He said that he'd never been married but maybe it'll happen soon as he'd be meeting me,then he went onto discuss future dates,how nice it'd be to get to know my daughter etc etc,you know,jumping the gun just a bit!

Am I over reacting in thinking that this guy may be a bit pushy (wanting his way),controlling (telling me I'd look better in dark hair,ie;already wanting to change my appearance) and jealous (going through every guy on my friends list "Oh,he is a goodlooking bloke,he's your ex?What about that one then,you must fancy him though!"

Some friends DO say I am over reacting a bit BUT,I spent 12 years of my life with a very controlling man and I would never want to be in that situation again.What do you think,was I right going with my gut instinct and turning him down or am I just over reacting?

OP posts:
adamschic · 30/04/2011 14:12

He sounds like he needs to get a life tbh. I would have cancelled too and deleted him off my facebook.

WhoWhoWhoWho · 30/04/2011 14:13

I think you did the right thing. I was chatting to someone recently who was very full on from the first few messages (talking marriage and babies and having a day out straightaway with my ds), put me right off and set alarm bells ringing. He sounds rather insensitive telling you your hair would look better a different colour and being pushy about a first date you had said you wouldn't even enjoy.

Original poster
tetti · 30/04/2011 14:19

Thank you ladies:) I started wondering for a minute if I was totally over reacting,but in my book you should never try to change someone,you take them as they are.I also felt a bit intimidated by the fact that he'd saved my profile pictures (so he could look at them whenever,eh?),he went on and on about how intimidated men must be by me etc etc and putting me on some kind of piedestal (I am just a normal lookign woman,not Cindy Crawford!) It's ok to give compliments but he went way over the top with them.
I like to meet someone as a friend,see how you get on and if there's any chemistry there,but he was practically talking marriage and children !
He also complained about the part of London that I live in,saying people in the north are far too pretentious and that I should come down to the south instead!(he has a way with words for sure)

OP posts:
ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 30/04/2011 15:03

No, you're not over reacting, it would be ringing alarm bells for me.

BertieBotts · 30/04/2011 15:08

Alarm bells ringing massively for me too! Block him and don't contact him again :)

It's the ex bit that's speaking to me the most, FWIW, closely followed by the picking out all your friends and saying who is attractive. Niiice. Imagine this happening daily, including about your mum, or your sister, or brother/male friends' wives. The hair comment is creepy too but wouldn't bother me as much (but then I have a male, albeit gay, friend who gives me suggestions about my hair all the time)

NoCarbsBeforeMarbs · 30/04/2011 15:09

He sounds a bit of a control freak already
Alarm bells ringing loudly here.

You've made the right decision.

Original poster
tetti · 30/04/2011 15:51

Yup, my daughter's dad would not let me have any contact with any males friends,would constantly criticise my appearance (telling someone they should change their haircolour is one,that's just plain rude),and control every aspect of my life.I was very young when I met him so was very easy to manipulate,but having spent 4 years building up my confidence again there is no waaaay that I'd ever put myself into that situation again.This guy had some many traits in common with my ex that the alarmbells were deafening.I started to doubt my decision to cancel the date after some friends told me I may just be reading into things,but your responses on here showed me that my gutfeeling was definetly right.Think I had a lucky escape there! Plus of course,this guy's ex was apparently "the devil,evil!",I am sure that had nothing to do with his treatment of her at all...

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 30/04/2011 15:55

He sounds like a total knob,Well done you for spotting it so soon, you clearly have very good knob radar.
Don't worry about your friends, they are either dim or Noah's Arkers or have just bought into this idea of women as sexual gatekeepers who need to be persuaded to 'give men a chance'. You are uner no ob ligation to give a bloke a chance if you don't want to.

Original poster
tetti · 30/04/2011 16:12

I agree with you.I think because I tend to go for men who in their opinion don't have "proper" jobs,ie people involved in music (as I write I tend to end up with other creative people) and this guy was a clinical psychologist (I am NOT having a laugh here,hand on heart) they went "But,he can't be a nutjob if he's actually treating people",but clearly he can be.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 30/04/2011 16:25

Riiight. And what about Harold Shipman??

Original poster
tetti · 30/04/2011 16:53

Exactly!

OP posts:
QueenofWhatever · 30/04/2011 17:54

Isn't it brilliant though that you have learnt from your past experiences and didn't even waste a bus fare meeting this idiot. I used to work with clinical psychologists and have never met such an assorted bunch of weirdos. You might also want to reconsider your friends...

ThatVikRinA22 · 30/04/2011 18:00

i got through your first paragraph before internally shouting "run! run like the wind!"

read it to DH. he agrees! you did right op.

Original poster
tetti · 30/04/2011 18:41

I definetly did the right thing VicarInaTutu,you ladies on here certainly made me lose any guilt (all those messages he sent before I blocked him "I am so disappointed! etc etc,no...I'm not falling for those guilt trip tricks,I'm well rid!)

I can believe you Queen ofWhatever,I studied psychology myself some years ago and had never come across so many fruitloops (hence why I did not carry on in that direction!lol)
I think those friends of mine who did go "Oh yeah,go for it!" are the ones who (not being catty here) peobably want a man to think for them, and make all the decicions for them,whereas I cannot think of anything worse,I want a man to be my equal

OP posts:
stardust86 · 30/04/2011 19:14

Yep, I'm in with the majority here (in fact there isn't anyone who isn't).

Follow your gut instinct hun, if it's screaming out now then that's a bad sign. I'd have run a mile by now and would definitely block him.

HystericalMe · 30/04/2011 19:19

Good call Tetti! Sounds like he would drive you insane acting like that. Trust your instinct. Smile

lubeybooby · 30/04/2011 19:24

Not over reacting in the slightest, the bloke was clearly a total loon! trust your instinct

Onefunmum · 30/04/2011 19:35

I think you did exactly the right thing and just need to delete him now!
Even the hair dyeing on its own is not a good sign IMO. I went on a date with a guy who, amongst other things, said the same to me (except he wanted me to go blonde - I have black eyebrows and very dark brown hair so yuk!). Needless to say he didn't get a second date.
Plenty of other lovelier men out there!
Ps as for him being a clin psych and therefore not a nutjob - completely not the case - some of the psychiatrists and clin psychs I've worked with are worse than the patients!

atswimtwolengths · 30/04/2011 21:00

I think you're looking in too small a pool, if you're looking only for people who are creative or in a similar industry. There are some fantastic people around who are so interesting, but they don't necessarily do anything creative.

I've known a lot of strange people who've gone into careers as psychologists or counsellors, or who've worked as Samaritans. They're excellent opportunities for manipulation, aren't they?

Original poster
tetti · 30/04/2011 21:08

Oh no,you must have misunderstood me,I don't LOOK for people who are creative,I just click with certain people then find out what they do for a living and 9 times out of 10 they are either producers,dj's or singers (guess they may look a wee bit similar or have the same kind of look about them but that's about it!lol)

OP posts:
HHLimbo · 30/04/2011 21:23

Yes run! Sounds like you have really learned from experience and managed to weed him out before even meeting. Good call :)

Original poster
tetti · 30/04/2011 21:49

I'm telling you,dating in your mid-late 30's is a totally different kettle of fish isn't it? When you were in your teens and very early 20's then everything was so easy (well compared to now) But now?lol,complicated isn't the word!
With age comes knowing what you want and doesn't want,being a single parent you also have your child/ren to consider so one has to be extra careful for sure.I just hope I won't have to wait until I'm pushing that zimmerframe around to meet someone decent ;D

OP posts:
TimeForMeIsFree · 30/04/2011 22:27

Wait until you are in your 40's!! I'm 46 and just 'browsing' at the moment but there's a lot more of what I don't want out there than there is of what I do want. Then there's the poster on the back of the toilet door at work, for Chlamydia screening. Every time I sit down for a wee I read it then start thinking about having to 'get checked out' and making sure any potential partner has been 'checked out' put's me right off being sexually active again it does. Grin

Original poster
tetti · 30/04/2011 23:08

@ TimeForMeIsFree LOL !!!!! I did try going down the toyboy route and in the last 4 years I have dated 2 men 9 years my junior and although it was fantastic to date men who were not "jaded" (oh,sounds horrible but you know,still full of life and not cynical at all:) I ended up feeling a bit like their mummy after a while though!.I so identify with what you said about there being more of what you don't want than what you want out there.Am also gobsmacked at the amount of men in relationships who don't think twice about pursuing women.I wouldn't touch a man in a relationship with a bargepole !

OP posts:
WillIEverBeASizeTen · 01/05/2011 21:50

Tetti He sounds like a complete nutcase. My Psyche at work (female) is completely off the wall, so don't be thinking that because he has an "ology" he has integrity. Been there and done that one!

And BTW I have met many a wonderful male with a zimmer:)