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how do you cope with being on your own and being exhausted beyond functioning levels?? And what if your not coping??

17 replies

sleepissues · 26/04/2011 20:25

I'm finding myself snapping/screaming/crying at any given moment and no one to lean on..

Does anyone else feel like this?

Or does anyone have any tips or advice to help me? I'm not a happy mummy :(

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FreakoidOrganisoid · 26/04/2011 20:40

How long have you been on your own? And how old are the children? I am guessing by your user name you are not sleeping well...is that down to children or yourself?

I've found it does get easier after time, but I'm still knackered at the end of the day and have no patience for children playing me up at bedtime. I've really noticed if I am with friends I am more relaxed about them going to bed but on a normal day when it's just me I need them to go NOW!

It is stressful being the only one with responsibility, not being able to switch off or hand them over for 5 minutes, especially when you are already tired or run down. Smaller things like them spilling drinks or splashing bathwater everywhere can seem a lot bigger too when you already have a hundred things to do before you can sit down/rest especially knowing there is noone to delegate to. I have to say my kids are generally great though and if I say look, I've got to do x y z and I can read you a story a lot quicker if you help me out by doing a b c then they usually try to help. But then I worry I am putting too much onto their shoulders and they are only 4 and 3! Confused

I think as time has gone on I've learnt to recognise the things that trigger me snapping and so can control it a bit better...also I've just got used to being on my own I suppose so everyday stuff is easier.

JuJusDad · 26/04/2011 21:00

Don't be afraid of a short(ish) course of anti-depressants to take the edge of things.

They take about a month to kick in (the first two weeks can be bit weird while side effects calm down), but they're worth persevering with.

Let the little things go - you have to be good enough, and that's enough. Perfect can be left to those with staff or the world of lying advertising.

sleepissues · 26/04/2011 21:08

I feel i'm at breaking point, but not sure how to step away from it, altho not as dramatic but def on my way(if that makes sense?)

I found out i was pregnant about 2 weeks after me and my ex split and he hasnt been around since then. Ds is now 18months and has slept thru about 4 or 5 times since he was about 3 months old. I coped well whilst i was on mat leave, but since going back to work last June I've been struggling, I've only gone back 3 days a week tho so surely i just need to get a grip?

It is silly things like you've said, bath water being splashed over me, being REALLY late and ds stumbling about and going reeeaaally slowly, right in the way! ALL things that are NOT my ds' fault and i feel like a terrible mother because of it.

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beaconhouse · 26/04/2011 21:54

hello
firstly poor you...its foul to feel like you do now but that doesnt mean it will be like this forever...it wont
nothing stays the same forever..childen who dont sleep become hard to wake in the morning for school....little things that push us to tears we dont notice anymore....you might think you are not coping but you rally are doing well. you ae on your own with a small child,little sleep and working. Sounds to me like your reactions and feelings are te same as any other sane adult would have.
It is really hard wok but it will get better...old advice i know but try and give yourself a little credit and treat youeself where you can, I suspect what you really need is a hug, a blub and choc with a glass of wine......and then start the day fresh again tomorrow...would send all those out iver the internet if i could x

NOmeansNO · 26/04/2011 22:15

hi, sleepissue,

the sleeping will get better. but you have a few months possibly up till 3 till he's sleeping through completely with some dc.

you say your working 3 days, are you making sure on the others you are catching a sneaky wee nap with ds. You should still be getting the odd nap right up until dc is sleeping through the night.

how much is dc sleeping through the day also? 1 or 2 naps? it was around 18month-2yrs that i cut out daytime naps for my dc and found they would sleep through the night.

itsabiggywhatdoidonow · 26/04/2011 22:54

firstly my dd is 5, I have been on my own through out like your self. I found 18 months a very difficult age and particularly difficult alone. It is an age when the child is staming out and demanding indipendace but also require and demand your attention....you have less controle over the childs movement and activities to your own convenience like you do with a much smaller babie and everything seems to need negotiation and reasoning and quiet frankly the child does not pocess those skills.

Sounds like you are and have been doing a great job. I would not consider antidepressants, but you could always go have a chat with gp.

I felt exactly how you are and remember feeling I may lose my rag one day and never actually calm down, I remember once actually walking out of room and locking myself in the toilet because I though If I smack this child I may not actually stop. No sooner had I turned the lock clarity hit me and I felt shamefull and guilty. dd was distressed and tired and so was I but we moved on from this and came out the other side, things that helped me.

discipline your child for unacceptable behaviour, I used at that age three strikes and your out. tell your child, no do not do that, if continues, tell child, if you do that again mummy will sit you by your self/or get you out bath for instace....if they do it again sit them out of the room/ or get out of bath.

this realy helps take you take control and ends that constant feeling of tolerating and tolerating untill you finally blow a gasket. and if they scream, kick and melt down, its not at your feet, there is distance between you both so you can gather your thoughts. rationalise, something has to give an that cant be your sanity or fuse.

adjust routine for the tasks that are more time consuming or change ommit when both tired. ie long day at work and nursery, no bath tonight, snuggle in bed earlier.

teach your child to amuse themselfs, set up an activity and tell your child you will play and then do xyz, become less involved gradualy and slink off to do xyz. belive me this gets easier, my dd was so clingy she had to be touching me all the time by 2 she would play alone for long enough for me to wash dress make up etc in the mornings.

pick your battles and set routines, you are only human dont put to much preasure on your self.

is there anyone, a friend or family member you can just pick up the phone to from time to time. I feel for you but belive me it gets easier.

popalot · 26/04/2011 23:59

I was like that when I felt overstressed. I have since taken a bit more of a laid back attitude to life and it has helped no end. I no longer feel so frustrated and time-pressured.

The key to it is the routine and accepting that things are going to take longer than you imagine. So walking to the nursery etc is going to take 10 mins longer than you imagine and you just leave 10 mins earlier. It sounds obvvious but just taking 30 mins out to assess how you do things and try and think of ways that might make your life easier, even if at first it seems like you might be taking longer to do things it actually is about doing things calmy and leisurly and happily. And just accept that basically most things won't go as you planned. There is always an accident. They will always want to stop and talk to you about the doggy or walk on the wall or something that delays you. So long as you've added the extra 10 mins on your journey time this won't matter so much and you'll find you begin to enjoy it more rather than thinking 'i should be enjoying this but actually I've got to get to the nursery, then work, then to the shops etc etc and I'm knackered and getting a bit annoyed'.

Also I found that I wasn't going to bed early enough and just accepting that you have to go to bed rather than watch that TV programme is a good thing and will give you that time to sleep when your little one is asleep. You can always catch up on IPlayer.

Plus my little one is now 4 so that helps a great deal. It's easy to give out advice but reality is different!! Anyway suffice to say you are not alone but do try and look at your routine and see how you can make things easier even if at first it might seem you are making things more time-consuming.

popalot · 27/04/2011 00:04

plus if you do feel like you might have a sudden meltdown then when I did that i would just walk away (if they'r safe ie not in the bath) and sit on your bed for a minute. Your little one will come in and see if you're alright. Don't worry about you crying a bit infront of them, you're not superwoman and it is actually nice for them to come in and give you a cuddle if you need it.

This probably won't happen very often so once in a while is ok. Just remember walk away and don't blow up to your child. I did that once and snapped and shouted about her wetting herself just before we went out and i felt and still do feel guilty about it no end, and I wish I had just walked away for a minute and sat down and calmed down and thought 'so what if we're late'. Which is what I would do now....

sleepissues · 27/04/2011 20:08

Hi again, sorry havnt been able to get on here, but thank you for your replies.

Its so nice to hear some supportive comments, and i'm glad no one has been mean and told me to hand myself to social services!!

some of your tips are great and i cant figure out why i didnt think of them!

Its given me a boost just reading these posts, and if anyone else has any ideas for me, please let me know x

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Meglet · 27/04/2011 20:18

It is so hard a lot of the time. I can't stand getting wet when I'm bathing the dc's either. I have recently taken to sitting on the closed loo seat to 'supervise', when I am actually plucking my eyebrows or tidying my nails up. I'm still watching the dc's and only a couple of feet away if they mess about or go under.

Cbeebies is a good idea. At least it doesn't have adverts, it might buy you some peace and quiet.

If you are physically wiped out ask your GP for a blood test to make sure it's not anaemia or something.

I still find it hard after 2 years, I think small children are jolly hard work when you're on your own.

Keep going, and try and get an early night tonight [csmile]

itsabiggywhatdoidonow · 27/04/2011 20:31

good to hear from you op. Smile

sleepissues · 28/04/2011 08:47

Hello again everyone, I did get a early night last night, as in asleep by 8.45! and ds only had 3 wake ups last night too so i'm almost human today!

I'm glad some of you have been there(not that u felt like me but at least i know i'm not alone) I'm the only one out of my friends with a child so i'm just struggling to find my way a bit, especially as we've all got so distant i dont feel like i can talk to them even if i wanted to.

Thank god for MN!! [cconfused]

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belleshell · 28/04/2011 08:59

Morning sleepissues

Im so glad your feeling a bit better, I suffer with ME and am a single parent of 2 so i know where your coming from.......

I used to help people stop smoking and found that those parents that smoked didnt seem as stressed.im not advising you start that, but perhaps take a (non) fag break every hour 2-3 mins in a different room just for you......... make sure ds is safe and enjoy........ its easier said than donr i know cos i cant even go to loo without an audience!!!!

sleepissues · 28/04/2011 09:12

belleshell i like your thinking but i already do smoke, well kind of..I now only smoke when i'm at work as i'm too PFB to smoke when i have ds, Although I would be going on the balcony to smoke i worry about stinking of it when i come back in, especially as he stood the other side of the glass pining for me to come back the last time i tried!!

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ballstoit · 28/04/2011 20:01

sleepissues,
Probably not very conventional but my DC sleep with me, all 3 of them Blush. Before they did they woke several times a night and I didnt have a full nights sleep for about a year. I know I've made a 'rod for my own back' etc, but I need sleep NOW. Just a suggestion, feel free to ignore.

hormonesnomore · 28/04/2011 20:12

I really sympathise OP.

When my DCs were small my ex-h worked away from home a lot and I was exhausted most of the time.

Like ballstoit, I co-slept with whichever child wanted to at the time! It was so much easier to function after a night's sleep.

Housework got done when I felt like it (I still follow that method Smile), cooking was very basic - ie anything that could be stuck in the oven while I had a cup of tea with DCs in front of the tv.

Make things as easy for yourself as possible. No-one needs to be perfect. Your house only needs to be clean enough. You don't have to be a perfect parent - just good enough.

This too will pass. x

sleepissues · 04/05/2011 21:06

Hello again ladies, sorry I didnt get back to you all, I've been laptopless!

I just wanted to say a little thank you, I've been following your advice and last night slept thru without a single wake up from ds! My little dirtbag gave me 8.5 hours of beautiful beautiful sleep! co sleeping is the way forward, at least till I feel recharged and ready to attempt it alone.

I hope every one is ok and well rested after our thousand bank holidays!

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