Access, worries aagh

[bigandbootiful]

Not sure what I am expecting in terms of support but just need to vent.

Found out EXH having affair over a year ago but he would not move out of house, said I should. He continued to see OW, who is still shacked up with her other half.

Last Sunday he "moved out", on Tuesday he called me and said he wanted to have DCs for a few days, as we were then going to my friends for Easter and he would not see them. Him and the DCs on their own in a B&B somewhere - not allowed to know where.Not a problem you think.

Last year, he took DCs and I then got text messages from OW saying did I know where he was and she was worried about him, he was in such a state, going to end it all etc. Major panic from me, as she would not tell me where they were and she was coming to save him. Since then, he has had counselling etc and no evidence of this happening again. However, he has not had DCS on his own for more than a couple of hours at any one time. The one time I had to go away over night, relative came and stayed in the house as well.

We have had a flaming argument as I have said to him, I have a fundamental trust problem with him and the DCS and everytime I go out the door and leave them with him I get very stressed. Manage it because I have to but still very scared. He tells me that OW did not mean to scare me and it just came out wrong when she texted and he defends her all the time.

I have pointed out that it is irrelevant what she meant to do. Personally I do not know of anyone who phones up a mother and tells them the partner is thinking of committing suicide and with her kids and will not tell them where they are - that is pure evil and very calculating. The problem is he and I now have to deal with the legacy of her actions and trust will not happen over night and he has to understand that - he thinks I am being unreasonable and the "psycho bitch from hell".

I want him to have access but we need to build up gradually - having said that he moved back in the house on Tuesday night anyway, then took them away over night on Wednesday to some friends.

Aagh - so angry with her for planting the seeds in my head, angry with him for everything else but can not see the fear going immediately which is what he expects.

Sorry cathartic whinge.

right,my ex did this

when we split it was on my mind....refused access because of this....went to court.....taken VERY seriously. CAFCASS were not happy at any unsupervised due to suicide history. court didnt go well for him as he got in trouble

he got zero access

some things cant be messed with......this is one instance when chances arent taken

thanks - problem is whilst he was upset at the time and counsellor said not a suicide risk, the seeds are in my head and they will not go away.

He thinks I am being unreasonable but how do you remove that absolute cold fear that she created last year, I do not know how and do not want to deny access but.....

He says it is all in my head and OW will apologise and say she did not mean it but it is too late, the thoughts are there.

a counsellor is not best placed to make an asessment on this tho!

AT the risk of suggesting obvious things you may have already explored: would he be amenable to giving you information on where he and the dc's will be, or are any of the dc's old and / or mature enough to have a mobile phone for emergencies?

Currently not amenable to me knowing anything because OW says I am asking for too much info. DCs are 6,4 and 18 months so not mobile phone able either.

Says it is his time and he does not have to tell me anything, which I know is true but that absolute cold fear and dread which she created is difficult to control and that is what I need some patience with / help with overcoming. Trust - how do you re build it?

What a horrible, awful position to be in. I think there are a lot of issues here, TBH, and you need support (are you getting any counselling?) to prioritise and tease them all out. With all possible empathy, it seems that the incident you describe has taken on some kind of cataclysmic/out of all proportion place in your mind. OW has ishoos, clearly, but are you utterly convinced that your kids were in real danger?

If you can deal with them going away overnight then that is starting to build up trust, isn't it? As far as wanting to know where they are going to be - do you have his address and a phone number? If not, tell him clearly and calmly that the information is a reasonable requirement and you won't be allowing contact until you have it.

what balia said. You can always offer to do supervised contact via an trusted intermediate (eg family member / friend) or via a contact centre.

I do get his side - he's not suicidal, so it's a non-issue for him and he wants his privacy, and you're seeking to control him / paint his OW as a psycho - but that's rather beside the point. His OW created this current situation, so he either gives you re-assurances or he jumps through hoops to have contact.

It was not just one incident but the one I am citing was the pinnacle of a lot of psycho playing by OW. He was in an awful place mentally and I forced the issue to make him go and see a psychologist.

Whilst she said she did not think he was going to commit suicide, the fact that he felt so low and awful was not good. So a lot of work has gone into getting him back on track. I had never seen him so low and so messed up over so many things that what he would or would not have done I honestly do not know.

It is about trust and mine has taken a battering over the past year, will not make him jump through hoops for contact am not that mean but I do need some reassurance. He knows I did not make it up, he saw the texts she sent me, so no misrepresentation from me.When things have got too much in the past year, he has just walked away from the DCS, leaving me sorting out the mess each time. He has an argument with OW and the DCs are forgotten or shouted at.First time in a year that he wants to do something with the DCS, involved him going somewhere on his own with them, staying in a B&B on his own with them and me not being allowed to know where this was. Scared - oh yes I was, three young kids, in a strange place and he would be stuck by 2000 in a room with sleeping kids and nothing to do but get melancholy -something he does very well.

I do not want to control him and if he and OW finally sort their lives out then great but in the mean time am I really being unreasonable in expecting a few reassurances that the DCs are safe and I can help if needed.We both want the DCs to be safe and happy , that we are agreed on.

Have been seeing a counsellor myself, stopped now and it made a huge difference to my frame of mind and what I needed to sort out in my life. I am very focussed on where I and the DCs are going, I want their Dad to be a huge part of their lives but in a safe way.

What kind of reassurances do you mean? I think you need to be practical and clear about what the requirements are. A phone number isn't unreasonable, an address for the place they are staying, perhaps? What have you asked him for?

Where they are going , an address and a phone number beside his mobile number - that is what I wanted.

I know what he is like, he will drive around for hours finding somewhere to stay which is fine when he is on his own but with three kids and 2000, no food and them all tired, I know what they will be like. I also know how he will cope - badly. When they all start like young kids can, he has in the last year, just said -going out, left me with them and disappeared.